Friday, July 31, 2009

Maggies Mercantile Raw Food and Vegetarian Deli!















Hiya Folks,

I'm having such a good time in OHIO!!!

I have just a few minutes...so i'll tell you about Maggies.

Cliff told me he had spotted a sign on the highway for a raw food restaurant on his recent trip out to Ohio just weeks before this one. I couldn't imagine there would be a raw food restaurant advertised on the Turnpike.

And INDEED, when we passed the highway sign during our 10+hour ride to Dayton...i could NOT believe my eyes...it was absolutely a sign for a RAW FOOD restaurant...not a sushi raw bar or God knows what.

Well, WE HAD TO GO CHECK IT OUT, so we took a little detour and went on an adventure. Visions of flax crackers and raw nut spread were dancing before my minds eye...and my mouth was already watering.

When we got to Maggies.....we were so dissappointed to find Maggies had CLOSED.

Maggies was in the middle of NOWHERES LAND in Western PA. We're not even sure WHERE we were, but suspect it was Stahlsburg, PA. Surrounding Maggie's were only a few homes, trailers, in fact. It didn't appear to be the kind of neighborhood that would attract raw foodists!

Oh, well!!!! We found out on the internet that Maggie's has had a few incarnations. There was one in Pittsburgh, PA, one in Oakland (CA???) before the one in Stahlsburg. Maybe a Maggie's will pop up soon somewhere else!!! I can't wait! Here's a link to a write up on Maggies. http://www.studentguidetopittsburgh.com/profiles/Maggies-Mercantile/index.htm

Wish i could have tasted it! I think it only closed...WEEKS AGO!!! The turnpike matron told us there was a write up in the local paper that it had JUST CLOSED. We just missed it....

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Tomorrow i'll post pictures of Cliff, Ken and Debbie and me playing DISK GOLF. It is an incredible sport that i found immensely challenging but an awesome work out. I had to take a half hour nap to recover my energies!!

Another preview for those of you who might struggle with staying raw on the road, i'll be updating some info on just how one does it in the next few days. It's crucial when desiring to stay raw to...make it happen. One must take TOTAL RESPONSIBILITY. I'll talk more about this upcoming.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
FABULOUS DINNER

Tonight Ken made a fabulous meal of fresh Alaskan Wild Salmon. (I didn't eat it of course)

I supplemented the meal with some awesome zucchini spaghetti, the most delicious raw tomato sauce and raw marinated mushrooms.

Everyone LOVED my raw additions. Ken had TWO HELPINGS of my spaghetti and commented it was so 'lovely...so light...so delicious.' He actually said, 'if you come up with 2 or 3 more dishes as good as that, i'm going to have to ask you to stay another week!' This is all from a guy who says he 'hates fruit'. Well, he couldn't believe it when i told him zucchini is a fruit! (As are avocados, cucumbers, red peppers.)

Speaking of fruit, Ken and Debbie have never had so much fruit in their house as they do now. Everytime they turn around there is something new I just picked up...donut peaches, a watermelon, bananas. Have you ever had donut peaches? They are AMAZING!! I'll post a picture upcoming.

I'm admittedly eating a little heavier raw these last few days. I ate a lot of raw almonds on the road trip up and a few handfuls today already, plus olive oil in my sauce and celtic salt. I'm not all that concerned with losing weight while i'm on vacation, and really felt, honestly, a little deprived the past few days. So making the spaghetti and mushrooms was such a treat. I'll post the recipe soon.

Much love to you all. Never give up. Go with the flow. Make it happen. You can do it!

xoxoxo michelle joy

Thursday, July 30, 2009

OFF TO OHIO!!!

Hiya Folks,

Off to OHIO for a week!!! I'll try to keep in touch, but if i can't drop me a line and say HI! Let me know how you're doing!!!

Will miss you all!

xoxox michelle joy
LaSoprana@aol.com

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

BRADS RAW CHIPS!!!!



































Hey, Everyone!!!

Say hello to Brad Gruno of "BRADS RAW CHIPS!"

"HELLOOOOOO BRAD!!!!"

Brad is a local entrepreneur who began "BRADS RAW CHIPS" to promote healthy eating and snacking. It is a wonderful product! Crispy, delish, full of healthy hand picked (minutes prior) farm fresh veggies, organic flax and buckwheat, BRADS RAW CHIPS are LOW FAT and GLUTEN FREE. The packaging is way cool. You just feel GOOD eating them! Buy some BRADS RAW CHIPS today online http://www.bradsrawchips.com/!

So, this is where i was all yesterday morning!

Brad and I had such fun making 9 different flavored chips, and many of them will be featured in a chip tasting party next Friday, Aug 7th in Doylestown, PA. (If you're in the area, let me know if you'll be coming! I'm actually going on vacation to Ohio to visit some friends of ours this Thursday, but hope to back in time to attend the chip tasting!!!) Brad needed a little inspiration developing some new flavors for his fabulous product, so asked if i would help out. I love being creative making raw food, and being creative at something that is going to help people snack healthfully on raw food...was an easy decision to make. YES!

Isn't Brad handsome? All of the girls get flustered when Brad visits Arnolds Way! We call him 'gorgeous Brad!'

In the pictures above, Brad and I just finished blending carrots with soaked flax and buckwheat, and in the last picture, we are picking fresh basil from the garden (literally ten steps behind the BRADS RAW CHIPS kitchen!!!) to add to the new Pesto chip. Brad makes his chips on a local farm in Ottsville, PA, in which he has access to all of the fresh veggies there that he desires. Everything picked fresh for his chips is teeming with farm fresh nutrients and enzymes! This is the REAL DEAL! Pretty amazing operation!

Michelle B. and Rob were on staff there as well, making everything run smoothly. There are 10+ dehydrators set up in BRADS RAW CHIPS KITCHEN and Brad and his staff are pumping out chips at an incredible speed. There's me, Brad and Michelle B. making chips!

Brads chips are becoming so popular, they can hardly keep up! These fabu chips are available at Arnolds Way, and at an increasingly growing number of local farmer's markets! There's Brad at one of the Farmer's markets with his sister, Pam! Of course, you can also get Brad's Raw Chips online! http://www.bradsrawchips.com/!

Listen to this: Brad has also gotten his chips into a PRIVATE HIGH SCHOOL!!!! That's right, no more "Lays" potato chips for these school kids. Soon these students will be experiencing the healthful deliciousness of flax and veggies, but because of the tasty crunch, they won't even know they're doing something so good for themselves!!!

Brad wants to get his chips EVERYWHERE...and i know he will! They are so crispy and yummy! Not only a raw vegan treat, they are just plain GOOD!

Look for more upcoming news on BRADS RAW CHIPS FACEBOOK page. If you go onto Facebook, just do search under BRADS RAW CHIPS and become a 'FAN'!!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

FOOD /ACTIVITY from TUESDAY, JULY 28, 2009

BR: grapes

SN: about 5 dried chips, and small tastes of 'chip' batter to check flavor balance (contained himalayan salt and small amounts of extra virgin olive oil) with Brad of "Brads Raw chips!"

SN: 32 oz fresh squeezed O.J. at cafe, out shopping

SN
: in car, hungry! on the way home: more grapes, 1 oz of almonds, raw.

LN: home: 2 corn on cob

EXERCISE: 35 mins walk

SN: 1/2 small watermelon

DN: cherries, cherries, cherries!!!!

xoxo michelle joy

Official Weigh In Week Nine

Official Weigh In Week 9

Beginning Raw Vegan Weight: 425

Beginning Blog Weight: 277

Weight Three Weeks Ago (Week Six): 257.5
Weight Two Weeks Ago (Week Seven): 249.5 wow!
Weight Last Week (Week Eight): 253 3/4
Weight This Morning (Week Nine): 251

GOAL EXPLANATION: To maintain 250-ish for 6 weeks as I continue to work on 'legalizing' gourmet raw food in an effort to stop binge eating it, in response to my mainly 80-10-10 raw vegan diet. It's been actually weeks since i've had a binge, so this is working!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~

Good Morning, Ladies,

The no banana no fat thing worked like a charm yesterday. Good to know!

What's bizarre was i wasn't hungry really after dinner. So strange. I didn't walk, though, yesterday, so maybe that's why....

You'd think not eating any fat i'd have been starving. I actually felt STARVING the last few days before. But that could have been the walking.

Although Arnold does continually alert me that eating fat makes you crave fat. In 80-10-10 you are 'permitted' 10% of your daily calories from fat. I've been consuming much more in an effort to stop binge eating on fat, and yes, it has worked.

I think, however, after the next two weeks of continuing on in this course of legalizing gourmet at work and eating a little heavier fat at home, i'm going to goal more towards losing.

After these last few weeks, I think it's going to be hard. Although a day like i had yesterday of no salt/fat actually was NOT as hard as i thought it would be. (i don't want to start losing hair again, though).

I think it will mean eating much lighter at work. And with no longer binge eating in my life, i have to allow myself enough treats not to feel deprived, but not so much as to gain the 5-8 lbs weekly i have been, eating gourmet.

By 80-10-10ing, i have managed to take off those pounds, but losing overall, i think, will be a real CHALLENGE with keeping some gourmet in my life!!!! Stay tuned!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Anyhoo, I'm up bright and early this morning as i have an in-home raw cooking job. I'll be assisting a customer in making several raw breads.

Along to some basic ingredients of raw living bread (flax, buckwheat, carrots, olive oil, celtic salt), we are going to add the following to create unique flavors and see how they turn out!:

"Cheddar Cheeze Flavor"red peppers, nutritional yeast, carrot, cashew, garlic and scallion

"Pesto Flavor" lemon, basil, pine nuts, garlic, olive oil, nutritional yeast

"Indian Flavor" curry powder, garam masala, cauliflower, lime, garlic, scallion, fresh ginger, parsley

"Tomato and Herb Flavor" tomato, basil, parsley, mint, oregano, rosemary, thyme, scallion, garlic

"Vinegar, Salt & Cracked Black Pepper Flaovr"yellow squash, garlic, scallion, raw apple cider vinegar, pepper and salt on top

"Asian Wasabi Flavor"fresh ginger, cabbage, wasabi, black sesame seeds on top

"Chocolate Flavor" shaved zucchini or yellow squash, cacao, cashew, vanilla, agave, maybe a little cinnamon (no carrots)

"Sweet potato pie Flavor"sweet potatoes, nutmeg, ginger, cinnamon, cashew

" CHILI Flavor" - Green Pepper, Jalapeno, scallion, garlic, red pepper, CHILI POWDER, tomato

I have a big day ahead of me!

I'll let you know how they turn out!

More later!

xoxo michelle joy

Monday, July 27, 2009

What i know...

WHAT I KNOW.... (about losing weight on Raw Vegan Food...)

  • i know how to lose a little weight (exercise alot, don't eat salt, eat alot of bananas, use agave/dates, eat moderate low fat, such as tahini, nutbutter, coconut, cacao, etc... a few times a day, eat alot of sweet fruit and greens)

  • i know how to lose ALOT of weight (eat ALOT LESS FAT/or NO fat, not more than, say, 1/4 avocado per day, eat no salt, use no agave/dates, eat 1 or no bananas daily, unlimited sweet fruit and veggies, and exercise)

  • i know how to gain a little bit of weight (eat moderate to high fat, use low to moderate salt, eat a few dehydrated foods, unlimited bananas, dates, exercise)

  • i know how to gain a lot of weight (eat alot of salt, pickles, olives, nama shoyu, eat alot of fat, unlimited olive oil, avocado, nutspreads, nuts, use alot of dates/agave, eat a lot of dehydrated foods, such as raw breads, crackers, and don't exercise.)

What prompted me to write this was that I weighed in (unofficially) this morning at 253.5. I walked alot yesterday AND uphill AND ate NO salt....so, i expected to lose more. I wasn't THRILLED this morning, so i have a game plan for today.

I'm going to TRY a no fat day with no bananas. I think this will kick a good loss in for tomorrow morning.

I'm in my 'recovery days' at home...and well, i'd kind of like to see better recovery and better movement of the scale down for all of this effort!

I think the past two salt-free days with moderate fat and exercise have been fabulous. They have taught me how to lose a little. But in being more moderate with fat, the losses have not been too great. A little discouraging since i walked my butt off yesterday and even went supermarket SHOPPING by FOOT, which was so fun and empowering!!!!

Now today, i want to see if i can lose alot. Why? Well, it would be nice for so much effort and nice to be closer to 250 by tomorrow or by Tuesday's official weigh in. So, I'll nix the bananas, the agave, the fat, no coconut, no tahini, no nut butter.

I just want to see what happens.

Ah, yes, i should say that the 'what i know' section up top is written by a woman 2.5 years into raw. When i began raw, i ate 'fattening' and salty gourmet meals frequently, as many as 5x/week as supplemental to my very low fat salt free raw diet, and still lost huge amounts of weight.

I think as we continue in our journey, our body can tolerate less and less fat. When i first started raw, i was coming from a diet of, not kidding, of 7,000-10,000 calories a day. Eating a huge plate of guacamole as a new raw foodist was a HUGE fat DECREASE from what i had been ingesting as a fast food binger eating 5 double burgers, 5 fries, fried chicken, sundaes, 3 cokes, all in one sitting. In the car. So, i still lost like crazy eating guacamole. If i would do that today, i would either stay the same or gain alittle.

FOOD/ACTIVITY Monday, July 28
BR: 1/4 medium watermelon, some cantaloupe

SN: lots of cantaloupe, at least one whole one, it was cut up

LUNCH: peach/blueberry green smoothie. NO bananas, no agave. romaine, peach, blueberries. Not bad. Got really thick like pudding as it sat. Not bad at all! Very satisfying actually.

SN: Leftover smoothie

DN: zucchini spaghetti with tomato/red pepper sauce (yellow squash spiralized with blenderized sauce of 3 fresh tomatoes, 1 whole red pepper, 1 small clove of garlic)

SN: grapes and cherries, just a few. not hungry. SHOCKED!!!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So far, not STARVING today as i expected. Wow. I think Arnold, my boss, is right. The more fat you eat, the more you crave.

The past 2 days eating moderate amounts of fat at home, i really didn't feel that good. Interesting to know!

Actually today, i'm not sure how i feel, okay, i guess. I was tired earlier and took a nap. I've not walked yet today, not sure if i will. We've been so busy all day, running around, lots of errands, now we're visiting my parents.

I have a raw catering job tomorrow, where i will assist an Arnolds Way customer in making raw bread in lots of different flavors.

xoxo much love, michelle joy

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Saturday/Sunday Report

FOOD/ACTIVITY/THOUGHTS from Saturday, July 25th

Breakfast
: 1 glass green smoothie

Walk: 30 mins, half of it, uphill

Breakfast II: the rest of the green smoothie, 3 glasses, was starving!

Lunch: 2 corn on the cob, raw, 1 big salad with tahini dressing and nutritional yeast (spring mix, tomato, kohlrabi, raddish, red onion, several tbsp of nutritional yeast) (dressing: about 2 tbsp tahini mixed with water, juice of 1 lemon, a little raw vinegar, 1 chopped clove of garlic)

Sn: 1 apple, 1 corn, some cherries

Dinner out: giant salad: greens, mushrooms, tomato. 2 glasses white zinfandel. Water and lemon

Walk: stroll outside 15 mins

Sn: 2 enormous banana whips with hemp, vanilla, coconut. STARVING!!!!!

PHYSICALLY: Not feeling that great today. A little dizzy. I don't know what that's about. My belly didn't feel so good this morning. Maybe it's the nuts, or the raw crackers i had last night late, about 7:30p.m.?

That's not so great to not feel so good, but what i think is cool, though, is that on this process of listening to myself, my desires, my feelings, emotional and physical, i get to make the choices. It's incredibly empowering. If i recognize something doesn't make me feel good, it's a possibility i'll be less inclined to do it the next time. This is all very different than 'binge eating' and 'dieting.'

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SUNDAY, JULY 26th

Good morning, folks,

I feel kind of shitty today, excuse my french. Cliff and i had an argument this morning. I feel blah. I don't feel like walking. My fingers are swollen and I weighed myself this morning to see i lost 1/2 lb since yesterday, which kind of perplexed me because i expected to lose more since all i did yesterday was pee, and i was so starving yesterday and felt like i ate like a bird, until i got home and devoured 2 huge banana whips because i was starving. I wonder if the wine has sodium in it??? Just feeling kind of bummed and unmotivated today.

I had a nice day out yesterday with Cliff and his cousin, Wayne. We went to visit Cliff's brother and sister in law who have a weekendhouse in the Poconos. We had a lovely time. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. What's funny is i hadn't wanted to go. Sometimes we just don't realize what's best for us.

Funny, I feel better already just talking about that. Sometimes we just need to get out of our own heads...

Well, talk to you later. Cliff's ringing. He's out biking and expecting me to meet him. Gotta run.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Later...

Went for a short 20+ mins walk, just a stroll really. Really don't feel well today. i don't know what dizzy means. ???

FOOD/ACTIVITY SUNDAY, JULY 26

Br: big banana whip with a little choco hemp powder and vanilla

walk: 20+ mins stroll

L: delicious: chopped veggie salad wrapped in romaine leaves, delish. (chopped kohlrabi, red onion, tomato, carrot, garlic, 1 tsp almond butter)

Sn: banana whip with coconut, almond butter and vanilla

walk: 1+ hour walk to the supermarket (uphill) and back....with a cart, what an adventure!

Sn: 1/4 of a medium watermelon

Dn: 2 nori wraps with chopped salad inside (mushroom, red pepper, celery, 1 tsp tahini, garlic, yellow squash, red onion) delish!

Sn: peach/banana smoothie ( 2 white peaches, 5 small bananas, icecubes, agave)

xoxo michelle joy

Friday, July 24, 2009

Awarenesses...

FOOD / ACTIVITY for Friday, July 24th

Snack
: 3 peaches

Walk
: 1 hour walk

Breakfast
: the most awesome Green Smoothie, now my new favorite (peach, banana, vanilla, spinach, agave, water, ice) STARVING!!!

Lunch
: STARVING!!!! Arnolds Way "Cheezesteak" with shoyu-free cashew sauce, an an extra raw 'steak' burger (2 slices bread[carrot, flax, buckwheat, olive oil, celtic salt], 2 steak burgers [dehydrated beet, apple, zucchini, carrot, cashew], lots of veggies chopped on top [mushroom, tomato, carrot, onion], tomato sauce [tomato, garlic, s.d. tomato, red pepper, herbs and spices and seasoning], white sauce, my own [sunflower seeds, cashew, celtic salt]

Snack
: Peach/Banana smoothie with hemp and spirulina, supersize, yum.

Dinner
: Large banana whip with cashew, coconut and cacao [about 4 frozen bananas, 2 oz cashew, 2 Tbsp coconut, 1 tbsp cacao]

Snack
: 3 oz raw flax carrot/corn chips

Snack
: 1/2 honeydew melon

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Good morning, folks,

There's my food from yesterday.

Cliffy is out on his ride.

We just shared a green smoothie together, the awesome peach/vanilla recipe from above. Make this, you won't regret it. DELISH!!!

I weigh 255 this morning. I am very pleased with this weight. I see it as progress. The highest weigh i was for a work week was 258. That means i'm making progress.

As a matter of fact, I feel i am making great progress.

Here is what i wrote last night, after i got home from work:

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Today was another GREAT food day as far as binge eating goes. There was none. NONE. There were no impulses to binge. It's as if the disorder......has absolutely....vanished. It's quite amazing.

Today was a work day. Many people at work are doing 80-10-10, so my food behavior, eating 'cheezesteaks' out in the open...is causing some questioning, some concern among 80-10-10 raw foodists who knew i was 80-10-10ing.

I'm so OUT THERE...i'm causing a stir!!!!!!

But, I truly and deeply believe wholeheartedly that what i'm doing is a crucial part of my process, of my journey (because IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE IN CONTROL....I CANNOT EVEN EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW IMPORTANT THIS PROCESS FEELS TO ME BECAUSE I FEEL SO SO SO SO MUCH BETTER), so i explained when confronted (about what looks like my lack of desire for continued weight loss and my apparent ingestion of 'so many nuts')....that:

"I'm holding my own, really. I'm doing well. But, i'm not really focusing on losing weight right now. I have a binge eating problem and before when i was strictly on 80-10-10, when i'd go off, i couldn't control myself. So, now i'm being more moderate in my choices in an effort to eradicate binge eating, and it's really working."

As where i work is all about food and focused on food as healing, I know people are just concerned for me. The concern can feel like unwelcome intrusions into my private food life, but i see it as based in concern, i really do. I understand. I can 'see' their point of view.

I also explained that in actuality, i'm eating LESS now than i used to, but that I used to hide when i was binge-eating, so no one really knew it. Now i'm out in the open. And in reality, what looks like i'm eating more, is really so very much LESS.

When i look at my food from yesterday it is SO different, so radically different from the way i used to eat at work out of control. I can't even believe it's me, the same person. It is THAT radical.

Being so thrilled about this, it's odd/interesting to encounter confrontation about my diet just as i feel like i'm really making some extremely important progress. But i suppose to the outsider it is just not apparent the success i'm having/feeling. It's much more of an internal process about my private relationship with food. People see me as failing, as an 80-10-10 failure. And i suppose i am, but that's okay with me. It stings, but i have to make peace with the fact that others may believe i'm failing. Maybe i am, but i haven't felt this at peace with food in over a year and a half, at least. That is SO important to me. To feel at peace.

It's a process and i can view Graham's ideal of 80-10-10 as a goal should i desire. And it's a goal i acheive on many days at home. But overall, in terms of my control of food, i am doing friggin' fabulously. No one really knows this because they never saw me eat at work in public.

And I hadn't really expected to encounter confrontation. But, I think i spoke my truth and really do feel super confident about this 'legalization' process, but it just wasn't expected.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What's also been unexpected on this journey is my often negative attitude and my sometimes, often, negative way of expressing myself and the confrontation i've received for that.

I think i'm not as nice as i was when i was binge eating. Since i'm not 'stuffing my feelings' they kind of come OUT. I'm expressive by nature, in case you hadn't figured that out, haha [i have double expressive drives in my numerology, in fact, expression is my PURPOSE], but maybe the things i say, they hurt people. I hope i'm not abusive. I'm not a raging bitch, either, i just get irritable and let people know it. And i feel badly about that, really badly, because i don't mean to hurt anyone, i'm just fumbling my way through expressing my often not-happy feelings.

I'm also not really used to p.o.ing people and have found myself doing that more and more. That really feels crappy because at heart, i love to please people and make them happy, not irritated with me or upset with me.

I suppose these are all opportunities for self-growth, for self-improvement.

I feel pretty crappy about ME today for a few things i said and did and how i cope under pressure.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What's interesting in terms of the eating disorder, is I used to be upset and obsessed with food. Now, i'm upset with an issue. Upset with me. Now, the issues are revealing themselves...'things' are being exposed... It just suddenly became NOT about just food and complaining about how i can't control myself. I am controlling my food. Now i need to learn to control ME better....

To feel truly badly about ME....kind of stinks, but is progress in a way. And i suppose it's a trade off. Give up feeling badly about what you eat, for feeling badly about what's eating you.

That's a big part of this eating disorder. The focus goes ALL onto the FOOD. When really there are huge ISSUES nobody's looking at. Take away the obsessive focus on food and bam, you have to deal with life.

Well, so, issues are kinda coming out...into the open...not too flattering, and well, it's not all that comfortable.

But, all of these uncomfortable lessons in life are all opportunities for us to improve as human beings.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I also have two business appointments coming up, both raw cooking jobs, that are also exposing my issues. One with standing up for myself and not allowing myself to be intimidated, the other with stating my opinion in non-hurtful, non-disagreeable ways. [As my spiritual guru Roy Masters says, "You can always disagree, without being disagreeable." I still need to learn better how to do this.] Not allowing myself to be intimidated, but to stand up for what i really believe in is also a big issue.

Life can be tough. The more we grow, the more we have to grow. Uy.

These are all powerful events happening, and powerful awarenesses I'm getting. Just funny it's all happening amidst very controlled eating. Just curious. Interesting.

Do you think maybe in enjoying food and opening myself up to experiencing more pleasure in life [by not binge eating, by walking], that i've opened a door to more experience in LIFE...????

Seems to be.

And I suppose these awarenesses we get and these challenging experiences are all part of the journey to becoming the person God wants me to be. People go through conflict to become BETTER people. It's not always pleasant, but always an opportunity.

In avoiding conflict, i've stuffed my feelings.

Letting my feelings out is not fun and hurts people, but in a sick, twisted way, it's healthier.

It's kind of like how this eating nuts is actually healthier than what i was doing before which looked healthier, but wasn't. Nobody saw the really sick part. Nobody saw the really dark side of my life with 80-10-10. Now I'm exposing some of the 'darkness', i'm looking at it, they're looking at it. It doesn't look that good, but it's out in the open. I've been wracking my brain for a word that came to me last night.

INTEGRATION. It's pretty courageous to follow such a journey as this. To attempt to integrate, join, comingle TWO very distinctly different parts of myself: the glutton...with the saint.

And in integrating, I learn to accept my imperfections and where i'm at in my journey. It may not be where i WANT to be, but it's BETTER than where i was.

And even though i feel badly for hurting people, and badly for being confronted for my what looks like DISINTIGRATING DESTRUCTIVE EATING HABITS [when they're actually 5,000x better than theyve been in 2 years] i feel strangely GOOD, AUTHENTIC for feeling bad, for eating 'badly'. I'm actually very ME. And ME...is NOT THAT PERFECT.

On 80-10-10, i was perfect. In binge eating, i probably ACTED perfectly, held everything in, stuffed my feelings and was kind to everyone, didn't offend anyway, stuffed everything. Now it's all gurgling out. It looks worse, but it's actually healthier.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I followed the F.H.U. meditation for so many years. That's Roy Masters 'The Foundation of Human Understanding." http://www.fhu.com/. In many ways, this blog has been similar to meditation. It is a daily deep and very personal CONTEMPLATION of my life, the events in it, my behaviors. If i began the meditation again in conjuction with the blogging, i think i may be able to soften my often negative reactions to life and cope better. That will be a pretty awesome combination. I also need to work the Secret more. It's being brought to my attention repeatedly how negative i can be. I really need to focus on what i WANT and not what i'm afraid of.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Cliff and I saw Sascha Baron Cohen's Bruno tonight. Riotous. Also should have been rated X! Absolutely shocking. I had no idea that an "R" rated movie would allow dancing penises, sodomy, dildos, real sex, total nudity. I think Cohen is brilliant as an actor, as a satirist, as a character actor, and at extreme provocation and shock, obviously!!!! I laughed alot and covered my face alot in embarrassment, squirming. Did you see Borat? Baron Cohen is so amazing an actor. He waxed his whole body for this role, for Bruno, i think. I think he's naturally hairy like Borat. Bruno is not as loveable a character as Borat. What made Borat so appealing was his innocent charm. Bruno is anything but innocent!

The movie makes me think philosophically.

I think perhaps the more a person is authentically themselves, they more they open themselves to criticism. It's a harsh reality, but one that comes with the territory.

Baron Cohen, in doing Bruno, is expressing his artistry with a lot of provocation. And in doing so, i think he'll get a lot of criticsm.

And in the movie, he is quite critical of many things/people.

And the more a person is critical and confrontational of others, the more they allow and invite that criticism and confrontation back onto themselves.

No doubt Baron Cohen will receive a lot of criticsm for this movie as he poked his finger at alot of people.

Just as i am being more confrontational, and receiving more back in turn.

I think it's an energy exchange. The more you give, the more you get.

In turn, the more LOVE you give, the more you get. If i can learn to 'disagree without being disagreeable,' i get to express myself...without hurting others. This is what i want.

Also, the more you hide, the less people bother you.

It's actually a GIFT to have people in your face, asking you to grow.

It doesn't feel good, but it's a gift.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Perhaps i have some apologies to make.

And maybe some day, i'll be wise and kind enough to achieve pure raw joy. I really want to. That's what this blog is suppossed to be all about. I really want to be one of those amazing raw foodists who overcome not only their weight or food issues, but who overcome their personality issues and blossom into WORKERS FOR GOOD. The Kabbalah says we are vessels through which God can do his work. I'm lacking so much spirituality in my life. I think it will help if i got more connected.

Nevertheless, I really am doing my best. I'm just a flawed human being...trying to improve her life, and, well, it ain't always painless...to me...or to others.

xoxo michelle joy.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

A Dynamic 'dynamic change' with Food at Work!

Good morning, dear Souls,

Doesn't this picture make you feel good, calm and hopeful?

That's how i feel today.

I woke up early this morning... Cliffy is sleeping soundly upstairs, and i'm in our living room downstairs, which by the way, is looking so pretty. Ahhh, it just feels so good to look at pretty things! (We've got 'new' old furniture care of the Salvation Army and Impact Thrift: 3 beautiful antique chairs in excellent condition, crystal lamps with victorian shades, a gorgeous big fluffy feather-stuffed sofa, like new. It's so pretty and functional in here!)

But, most of all, I'm excited to report that things are radically better with the food at work! YES! I have to keep reminding myself of what my good friend, Shawna17070 said about being rejected from 'Sight and Sound':

"I just had another thought. You are making such amazing progress overcoming your binge eating. You are becoming empowered to understand and control your binge impulses. Look at your accomplishment and growth at work yesterday! Wow! God is working on something greater. . .I believe this. . .if you moved to Lancaster you may not have been able to work on recovering from this binge disorder in the same ways you are currently. . .and currently you are on a great path of understanding and healing! We never understand why the cosmos has us where we are!"
Shawna is very very wise. I am so entirely grateful for her continual wisdom.

Yesterday at work i was actually amazed at the complete change there is in my entire relationship with food. If i had any doubt that Christopher Fairburns book, "Overcoming Binge Eating" worked, it certainly has dissappeared. If you would have asked me this a few weeks ago if i REALLY thought this was going to work, i would have said, 'NO!!!' But, i honestly believe this 'legalization' thing, as 'wrong' as it sounds, actually DOES eliminate binge eating. Pretty awesome.

In allowing oneself 'bad' foods (i must qualify that i am doing Fairburn's book with ONLY RAW FOOD, not COOKED), the emotional 'charge' of former binge foods is....eliminated. For any binge eaters out there, you KNOW what i'm talking about about how charged binge foods are. To have them lose their charge...is FREAKY...amazingly FREAKY!!!

As i am free to pick and choose what i want, suddenly not EVERYTHING seems so desirable anymore!!! Alone in the store yesterday for 1/2 an hour, it would have been a perfect opportunity to start snacking. And usually, alone, this is what i'd do: i'd start snacking...on kale chips, or raw bread, not just snacking, compulsive, obsessive, out of control snacking. The kind where you don't even WANT it, but you can't STOP yourself. Well, yesterday, I didn't even WANT it and i had ZERO drive to go and get it. Why should i? I allow myself to actually ENJOY it now...as a meal!!! It felt....amazing.

And...during the day, i felt calm around the 'fattier' raw food i was preparing myself. I ate delicious heavy meals, not a real source of pride for an 80-10-10-er, but the fact that i could enjoy them, not have it escalate into a binge...and STILL weigh in the 250's...is amazing to me.

Eating heavier nuttier, fattier foods as meals at work, i see now as a necessary step in my journey, a part of the process to closing the door for good on binge eating.

If out of control binge eating is a part of 80-10-10 in my world, then i don't see a fulltime diet of 80-10-10 as healthy for me right now. What good is it if i undo all of my progress by feeling and getting out of control with 'off program' food the minute i eat it?

The problem with out of control eating....is that i can NEVER be certain i CAN or WILL regain control. Before I started this blog a 2 week out of control binge fest caused me to gain 23 lbs. I literally felt i couldn't STOP eating (gourmet). I spent huge amounts of money at 'Oasis' and 'All the Way Live,' I snacked compulsively and obsessively at work in the raw kitchen. That felt demeaning, demoralizing, discouraging, depressing. Are there any more 'd' words? Disgusting. It made ME feel disgusting.

Physically, when a person binges, you FEEL physically horrid afterwards. Stuffed to the gills, bloated, gassy.

Now, i CHOOSE foods at work that are relatively low in salt compared to what i used to binge on. I avoid pickles and olives and nama shoyu. Okay, i may have a few farts at home from the nuts, but it's not a complete orchestral symphony eminating from my tuchus. I feel PHYSICALLY better since i've stopped binge eating at work, and outside of work (at the raw restaurants).

No way, THIS is MUCH better.

Okay, one other issue: energy. Yes, when i do have a heavier raw gourmet meal, yes, i DO certainly feel a dip in energy. I've been taking the BETAINE HCL, a digestive enzyme to assist with this. And i do indeed feel better some time later. And i've not reexperienced the yeast infection again since taking the Betaine. So, yes, i KNOW 'intellectually' that too many nuts and fat is not GOOD for me, and...that what i'm doing now may not 'technically' be healthy by 80-10-10 standards, but i FEEL SO MUCH BETTER about ME, and about my ABILITY to CONTROL FOOD. Doug Graham doesn't ever talk about this.

You know what i've done here, thanks to Dr. Fairburn's guidance? What i've been able to do? LEARN TO TRUST MYSELF. LEARN TO TRUST MY DESIRES. LEARN TO TRUST MY ABILITY TO CONTROL MYSELF. LEARN TO CONTROL MY IMPULSES.

This is all.....invaluable.

What keeps shocking me is that the panic i used to feel, the utter frenzy i would enter into, the palpable loss of control, the revved up frantic energy of binge eating. This has completely vanished.

If you've been following the blog, you KNOW this has been a process. Not everyday has been a rousing success, but overall, in sticking to some important goals at work: eating meals seated, not snacking, writing my food down, allowing myself all gourmet foods at work as meals when i'm hungry....i've seen marked improvement, not only in eliminating binge eating, but in listening in to myself.

As the weeks go by, i actually think i am actually EATING LESS at work.

As binge eating becomes a thing of the past, I can gently and gradually work towards reducing the overall fat and salt in my diet at work and move closer and closer to 80-10-10, should i desire.

My former coworker, Kim, has a great system going for herself. She eats 80-10-10 all week, and allows herself ONE GOURMET DAY. In chatting with her yesterday about how i set aside raw bread for myself now and how that helps me to control myself, she noted that it is hard to control onesself eating gourmet, so she only allows herself one day. Very sensible!

And even, Arnold, my boss, noted that aftering a fattier lunch, he craved fat.

Those of us who 80-10-10 appeals to usually HAVE overloaded on the fat and salt...that's expressly WHY we were drawn to 80-10-10. Graham discusses it in his book that overeating fat does cause us to crave it.

However, he never discusses how one should attack a binge eating problem. I'm thinking now, and believe me, i have NOT thought this in a LONG LONG time, that binge eating is pretty PSYCHOLOGICAL. I really have ALWAYS viewed my binge eating problem as an issue with the CHEMISTRY of the food. That it was the FAT or the MEAT that was too stimulating to me. How could it be that it USED to STIMULATE me so much at work and now i'm calm??????

Anyway, whether what i'm doing is healthier or not, I'm sure NO ONE, Doug Graham or anyone, would agree that binge eating is a positive thing.

Eliminating binge eating, in my view, is now a crucial first step in improving one's relationship with food, and ultimately in eating less and losing weight...permanently. It's a LONGER process, but worth it. What good is losing tons of weight quick, to turn around and gain it all back binge eating? How good does THAT feel??? I'll suffer a few farts here and there...and a dip in energy here and there...just to avoid that. And gaining a few pounds from salt is like so inconsequential to me now. (I weighed 255 before my morning doodoo). It's tremendously better than losing tons quickly and fast...only to unwittingly regain it all back by binge eating. No, learning to maintain NOW IS CRUCIAL to my long term success! YAY!!!!!!!

There is light at the end of the tunnel. There IS a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And the pot of gold.....is YOU!

Food / Activity
Sn: 2 peaches

Walk: 15 mins, good walk.

Br
: 1 1/2 Supersize Spirulina shakes with hemp at work

L
: 2 "avocado" pizzas with veggies...was STARVING!!!! (4 slices raw bread, slathered with smashed avocado, topped with raw shredded veggies.) DELISH!!!!!!

Sn
: 4 dates

Sn
: Supersize Hemp spirulina shake


D
: 1 'collard' wrap....wow! (maya's garlic onion dip, a few tbsps, with lemon juice and veggies in a collard leaf, amazing!!!), eaten seated. Back in kitchen, a little leftover tuna on a corner of raw bread, a little leftover 'chedder cheeze' on a corner of raw bread, standing.


Although this little after dinner 'snack' was eaten standing in the kitchen, not ideal, there was absolutely no sense of being out of control. i can't tell you how amazingly exciting this is! i ate what i wanted...and that was THAT.

Liquid
: 1 large coconut water, 2 penta waters, raw lemonade throughout the day

S
: small peice watermelon at home



If any of you are struggling with binge eating, talk to me about it. I really welcome your experience, your struggles, your views, comments, success, pain, etc...

Just talking about it could be a positive step forward in your journey with ending binge eating.

xoxox michelle joy

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I Walk the Line!




























For a long time, i've been wanting to dedicate a blog entry to walking. So here it is!

UNOFFICIAL WEIGHT THIS MORNING and PLANS: 252 3/4 after one "recovery" day and a BIG WALK. I'm very happy with that! Off to work today, wish me luck! I'm going to do the raw bread impulse control again today!


MY HONEY, CLIFF
That's me and my babe in front of our house. Doesn't the love show???? There's a lot of love there.


SKINNY THIGHS
The two pictures below were taken....months apart, but i weigh the SAME in both. The only difference is that in the picture of me standing in front of the house in the purple/black shirt, I was NOT exercising at all. (I was also not eating any salt at all.) In the picture of me with the red headscarf, I've been walking DAILY, and I can see that my THIGHS are MUCH TRIMMER (but my face looks a little bloated). (And i need to dye my hair!!!!)

The exciting part is about my thighs!!! I can see it. Am i crazy??? They look ALOT thinner to me naked in the mirror at home and i can see it here. That's why i searched for the older picture because i remembered when we took it being amazed that my thighs looked so heavy. The new picture, taken yesterday, they look trimmer to me. Exciting!


RESISTANCE
Every morning, well, not every morning, but many many mornings, i don't feel like walking. But i have the best exercise partner, my fiance', Cliffy, who gets out on his bicycle every morning, and as we've set up a system to support each other (Thank God for cell phones), he rings me repeatedly until I finally finish my writing and go out and meet him. I walk and he finishes his ride and it gives us something (or someone) to look forward to seeing! xoxoxo

Wouldn't you know, after a few minutes of walking, i'm enjoying myself so much, i forget i didn't want to!

If you have trouble getting out there to do exercise:
1) get a partner
2) do it anyway, even if you don't feel like it
3) don't put any time limits on walking, just do it and start cultivating an enjoyment for it
4) make it a priority in your life to be good to you


PUSH THROUGH RESISTANCE AND GOOD THINGS HAPPEN
Believe me, desire soon takes over and adventures soon abound...where none formerly were!

Today i walked SO much [this was written yesterday]...WELL over an hour, completely unplanned. I just kept going and going. Cliff was to meet me at the Salvation Army and he was taking a long time...so i just kept going and going, walking uphill, up steps, down and up new streets in Manayunk. It felt so wonderful.

What was so cool is that 1) i hadn't felt like it, but that quickly changed once i started 2) i've grown stronger and walking is more and more enjoyable and no longer a struggle. In fact, i went out initially for a stroll, but it turned into the most strunuous walk i've taken yet 3) the more i walk, the more i want to walk 4) having a loving partner supporting me...(and the goal of heading to the thrift store) is the best motivation.


SALVATION ARMY
Cliff and I are enjoying so much re-decorating the house, getting it organized and buying up fun and beautiful items at the Salvation Army. The thrift store just so happens to be a great 20 minute walk uphill from my home. It is the most wonderful goal to walk up there and know i might find some cool peice of antique furniture or a funky lamp. I love having a goal, a 'place' to walk to. And it's exciting to ring Cliff and say, "Hon, i found the best gaudy italian mirror, it's so gross, i love it, hurry up here, you gotta see this thing!!" Of course, he buys it for me...


THE HILLS OF MANAYUNK
I once dreamed of walking up the huge hill of Hermitage Avenue in Manayunk, and how amazing it would be if i could do that. I never thought i could. I never thought i would. I was asked once what my 'fitness goals' were, and that was actually IT. To be able to DO THAT.

Well, i do. And i can. And i did...today. [written yesterday] As a matter of fact, it was a peice of 'raw' cake today....and it was only ONE of the hills i took!!!

I think raw food gives us alot of energy that we don't get from cooked food.


MY DARLING CLIFF
I'm sending my babe lots of love for his amazing support, his love, his loyalty, his kindness, his caring. I'm so lucky.

When i weighed 425lbs, he loved me then. He loves me now. Only now he's soooo proud of me. And before he was afraid everyday i was going to die.


FOOD/EXERCISE WEDNESDAY
Breakfast
: Chocolate shake (cacao, agave, almond butter, bananas, ice, water)
Exercise: Huge walk
Snack: 3 small apples
Snack: 3 corn on cob in car. better than french fries.
Lunch: 1/2 small watermelon
Snack: 5 bananas
Dinner: big salad of kohlrabi, romaine, tomato, carrot, onion with dressing of 1 heaping Tbsp of cashew butter blenderized with garlic, lemon, water, applecider vinegar.
Snack: Black Cherry Vanilla Banana shake. (banana, cashew, vanilla, black cherry, agave, icecubes, water) HUNGRY!!!!!!!

THINK OF IT THIS WAY. IF I CAN DO IT. YOU CAN DO IT. I WAS THE WORST FAST FOOD BINGE EATER, UNSTOPPABLE, ABSOLUTELY UNSTOPPABLE. THERE WAS ZERO HOPE FOR ME.

NOW I'M WORKING MYSELF OUT OF STRUGGLING WITH GOURMET. WITH SUPPORT, WE CAN DO WHAT WE NEVER THOUGHT WE COULD. LOVE TO YOU GIRLS. YOU CAN DO IT.

xoxoxo michelle joy

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Good News! Bad News...


Good morning on this grey Philly day!

Here is the good news...and the bad news down below and two pictures i found that really express how i feel. The good news is that the bad news is not about food today. That's good news.

Here is what i ate yesterday at work...and some comments about how i felt about it....

FOOD/ACTIVITY FROM TUESDAY, JULY 21, 2009
Pre-Breakfast
: Ranier cherries, a few handfuls, hungry!

Breakfast: 1.5 glasses Coconut Vanilla shake (banana, vanilla, coconut shreds, agave, filtered water, a little cashew butter)
I recognized my 'hunger' turned off, so i didn't drink as much as i usually do. eating smaller portions is so cool because you get to eat more often.

Snack: 1/2 "turkey" sandwhich (1 slice raw bread with 2 Tbsp of turkey nut pate' on it, with lots of veggies)
Beyond good! this was THE ultimate meal. HIGH in flavor and a smaller portion than i usually take, what a new revelation! The less you eat, the better it tastes, the more you enjoy it!

Late lunch : 2 slices raw bread with cashew sauce (no nama shoyu) and lots of veggies piled high (no olives/pickles), 1 slice of mayas raw pie, small strawberry banana whip.

I was really looking forward to lunch, but, well, it didn't TASTE that good. i had made my own cashew sauce as i'm avoiding nama shoyu. after i ate 1/2 sandwhich (1 slice raw bread with veggies and sauce), i had that feeling that i'd had enough. my taste buds kind of turned off and i SIGHED, a big clue we are done eating.

Unfortunately, in my PLEASURE seeking, i continued on, but didn't receive anymore pleasure. I ate a peice of pie trying to get 'happy' from food and that didn't work either.

It reminded me of my father, who used to come home from a hard day at work to find a meal that i'd made (i used to cook often as a teenager) that he didn't particularly want (chicken, fish, etc...). 9 times out of 10, he didn't enjoy the food and grumpily ate it, commenting afterward when asked how it was that it was 'fair.'

First of all, as i was a child, this was immensely painful for me as i never received acknowlegement for what i had DONE. My father's thoughtless and self centered behavior was extremely hurtful to me. Second of all, my father always wanted to get HAPPY from food and i resented that. If what i had cooked wasn't something bad for him, like pasta (he's a diabetic), he wasn't happy.

The truth of the matter was, he'd had a hard day at work, and HE wasn't happy. He wanted to escape in food.

It's not good to SEEK pleasure from food like that.

I think wanting FOOD first should be the priority. And then when we find the pleasure in it, i think that's wonderful.

The hard part is when what we select is not pleasurable to us.

The whip, however, was delicious, and i was like, 'wow...maybe that's what i ultimately had wanted?'

The experience with not receiving a pleasurable feeling from what i was eating... was well, very unpleasant.

My problem was that the second i recognized this, that i was NOT enjoying what i made for myself, i should have simply packed up the meal for later, and moved on.

Instead i kept eating. This will be a skill i am going to have to work on.

I applaud myself, however, for making better and better choices at work. I'm not taking super salty stuff, i'm making my own sauce, i'm conscious to take lots of veggies. I'm sitting always to eat. I'm conscious and aware. I'm noticing smaller portions. I eat when i'm hungry for the majority of the day.

There was a day i might have considered that lunch a binge. But it was NOT. I was fully aware. I was not in a panic. The entire dynamic has changed completely.

SOMETHING GOOD is happening and i think what Dr. Fairburn says about overcoming binge eating (in his book of that name), that when you allow yourself everything, you realize you don't actually WANT it or even LIKE it or are HUNGRY for it and that binge eating will severely diminish. It has. This is huge success!

As my good friend, Shawna 17070 said to me the other day concerning an eating episode somewhere, i can't even remember, 'maybe you didn't binge, maybe you just overate.'

YES! I believe, yes, i may still overeat, but overeating is a completely different issue than binge eating. She is SOOO right.

In fact, in Fairburns book he goes into GREAT detail about this. He notes that in order for an obese binge eater to stop binge eating, she has to actually make PEACE with overeating. That FIRST she must work on STOPPING BINGE EATING and stopping binge eating may include episodes of overeating. Only much later should she work on curbing overeating. Interesting!!!!! It feels like i'm on target!!!!
Snack: 1 strawberry whip

Beverage: 1 large box coconut water

Snack: SS spirulina shake with no banana

Dinner: Pineapple peach hemp shake, Supersize, was definitely hungry, felt it. Enjoyed it!

Snack: leftover breakfast smoothie, 2 glasses, was definitely hungry, felt it. Enjoyed it, too!


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

WEIGHT
Man, was i SCARED to weigh myself this morning. I am so pleasantly surprised to have weighed in at 2551/4. Look, anything under 258 to me now is HUGE SUCCESS. In ingesting salt and raw bread (dehydrated food), there is always a weight gain. I'm thrilled with this one. When i woke up, i said to myself, 'i know i'm over 260.' I'm amazed that eating regular raw 'gourmet' food does not make me gain huge amounts of weight. I'm happy.

RECOVERY
Today can be a 'recovery' day should i choose. That would mean no salt and lower in fat.

RAW BREAD IMPULSE CONTROL
Yesterday was an absolute revelation in terms of impulse control. While unpacking bread from the dehydrators, i had that feeling, that HUGE IMPULSE to eat it up, but i said to myself, 'GO GET A CONTAINER...AND CHOOSE A SELECTION OF 5 PEICES for yourself! They are YOURS!"

Wow, that felt CALMING and exciting. My own pack of raw bread! i labeled it with my name and set it aside for when i got hungry.

Later, i saw a slice of raw bread that i had not noticed before, it had a creamy look to it and i wanted it. Instead of eating it, i switched it for a boring peice in my container. I felt relieved. I get to HAVE it. But it didn't have to be RIGHT THEN.

When it came time to eat and i wanted bread, i went to my container!

I only ate 3 peices of raw bread yesterday!!! For a girl who can pack away 15 in minutes, this was amazing success.

At the end of the day, i found my container with 2 slices still in it, and you know what? I absolutely didn't WANT them. In ALLOWING MYSELF, giving myself PERMISSION to eat them, i was FREE to recognize i didn't want them. AMAZING!!!!!

BAD NEWS
I can't believe i was sent a rejection notice (based on my headshot and resume that i sent) from Sight and Sound regarding the upcoming auditions. I apparently was not the 'type' they were looking for. To receive this email felt absolutely awful. Terrible dissappointment. Maybe i didn't send the right picture? Maybe i was too happy in it? Maybe i'm too fat? I weigh well over 100 lb less then when i worked there last. Maybe they didn't like my operatic experience on my resume? Maybe they just didn't like my dress?

When i was in the Christmas Musical at Sight and Sound years ago, Earl, the director, LOVED my voice and gave me a nice role. He often pointed me out for doing a great job, for singing beautifully. One time i was sick and Cherrie had to fill in for me. "No, you're not really doing it right," he told her, "Do it like Michelle." One time in a rehearsal, he got so caught up listening to my voice he apologized to the choir and said he lost his place, wasn't listening to them anymore, but was so lost in how beautiful my voice was. Boy, did THAT ever feel good.

That's why i was so certain i would be welcomed back with open arms. I even had visions and desires and dreams that an entire MUSICAL would be created to highlight....ME.

I've been working on my monologue daily, really pouring my soul into it, really connecting emotionally to the text, practicing for Cliff, reaching out to an actor friend to have him 'listen' to me.

I was even ready to move to Lancaster with Cliff. To ask Sight and Sound to give HIM a job as well.

It's not that i didn't WANT it. I did! So much!!! How could the SECRET be at work here? That's what i don't understand. The SECRET would say that i just didn't want it badly enough. That i just didn't attract it into my universe. That feels awful 'knowing' or 'contemplating' that i just didn't do something right, and that if i would have only wanted it more, i would have gotten a chance to do the audition.

Christianity would say it just was not in God's plan for me for this time. That actually feels more comforting than the SECRET right now.

Not the right 'type'? Why didn't they post the roles they were casting? if they were all wispy 90 pound teenage roles, i wouldn't have submitted my application.

In the show i was in, we had a plethora of young and old, of fat and thin.

At the auditions also, all body types were encouraged.

I'm so dissappointed.

What's so horrible about rejection is that you never know WHY. I'm just left wondering. And feeling badly.

My spiritual teachings from the Foundation of Human Understanding, http://www.fhu.com/, would say NOT to react emotionally to it, just to overlook the rejection and go on.

And when we face dissappointment, the SECRET says to just keep persisting and wanting it. That it WILL happen.

Okay, maybe the timing was just not right. Maybe God DOES have other plans for me.

xoxox michelle joy

Feeling GOOD Feels GOOD!

Official Weigh In Week 8

Beginning Raw Vegan Weight: 425

Beginning Blog Weight: 277

Weight Two Weeks Ago (Week Six): 257.5

Weight Last Week (Week Seven): 249.5 wow!

Weight This Morning (Week Eight): 253 3/4

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Good morning!

Don't you just LOVE this picture?

That's what pure raw joy FEELS like to me.

Ahhh, what a rainy morning here in Philly! Time to get ready and go to work soon, although i might just do a quickie supermarket run. We're all out of 'nanners and i really am hungry for a smoothie!!!

I feel HAPPY today. That is SO NICE.

Over the last few weeks, i've been attempting to be more moderate with my diet. Not because i think it's 'healthier' per se, 80-10-10 is probably one of the more healthy raw vegan diets. The only problem was, I was experiencing very out of control binges on gourmet raw food and experienced a complete state of out of control while at work in the raw kitchen I am employed at. I didn't like that and it didn't feel good.

In an effort to actually EAT LESS....I'm allowing myself to EAT MORE. And, you know what? I think i'm happier. And i actually think it's working.

Yesterday was a very very moderate good day. I had medium amounts of fat, no salt. I enjoyed everything i ate thoroughly and didn't binge. I even woke up happy!

For WEEKS now i have not visited 'All the Way Live' or 'Oasis', my favorite raw hangouts. These were binge spots for me. I would go to All the Way and order 2 supersize raw meals, 2 desserts and 2 drinks and eat it all myself in the car. Or i'd go to Oasis and order 3 take out meals, plus buy tons of chocolate, desserts, crackers, and eat it all in the car before and during my ride home. I haven't NEEDED to do that in WEEKS. You know what? I'm saving money not binging on raw gourmet!

The last few days have also been extremely productive. We're renovating our old house and being the disorganized slobs we have been, have lots and lots to get organized. But, you know what? It's beginning to come together! We have extreme storage issues with this house. Ya know why? There are NO CLOSETS!!!! So, some of the piggie ways we have been living are not really our fault. We have had management issues with all of our stuff. But things are coming together. Cliffy bought a gorgeous farm-style cedar chest and i just filled it up to the brim with all of his winter sweaters. SOLUTION! We bought two wheely clothes racks which are filled with hanging clothes, now. A forthcoming project will be to clean out the 'back room' filled with junk so we can wheel our clothes into there. Exposed hanging clothes just look sloppy in a room. I really feel confident we are getting this place in order...and will continue to do so. You know why? IT FEELS GOOD!

Man, feeling good feels nice.

I also have sooooooooooo been wanting to dedicate an entire blog post to my daily exercise. I cannot tell you, can barely put into words how GOOD it feels to trek all around Manayunk, enjoy the quaint houses, enjoy my new faster mobility, how GOOD it FEELS to move, to enjoy the sights, the sounds, the birds tweeting, the doggies i meet. It's sometimes fun to walk on Main Street like i did last night. Main Street in Manayunk is a wonderful hotspot for young people. There must be 20 restaurants at least on Main Street itself, most of them providing seating on the sidewalk, so it's very lively and lots to look at on a walk.

I also feel such a sense of ACCOMPLISHMENT on these walks. I've been sticking to it almost daily, why? Because i HAVE to? Not really. I don't HAVE to walk. No one is holding a gun to my head.

I think i've kept up with the walking BECAUSE I ENJOY IT. Because it feels GOOD. Because it is FEELING GOOD to FEEL GOOD.

And i do get so many compliments that i am looking so much better and that i have lost alot of inches. Which feels SO GOOD.

Tim, my friend, who lost 140lbs in 8 months himself eating 100% raw and is absolutely the epitome of SVELTE now, hadn't seen me in two months, and i hadn't seen him in two months, and when we saw each other last week at the Food, Inc. movie, we just stood there, amazed, and gawked at each other for what seemed like minutes on end. Oh, my god, I could not believe how the daily 10+ mile runs he's been doing have absolutely TRANSFORMED his body. And about me, he said he "almost passed out" by my beauty, haha, i did look good that night in my new coral top, a very flattering color, but he said i have lost so many inches he couldn't believe it. That was the night i weighed 249.5.

I felt so good that night. I had taken the train ALL BY MYSELF that night downtown. I walked from the house to the trainstation, felt like i looked gorgeous, walked to the movie theater, felt gorgeous the whole way there. It wasn't only feeling GORGEOUS...it was feeling ABLE, MOBILE, FREE, EXCITED by all of that, INDEPENDANT, ADVENTUROUS. It felt so damned good!!! They say BEAUTY comes from within...and i was AGLOW that night with pure raw BEAUTY....because i felt so good!

Well, you know what? I feel damned good this morning about weighing about 4 lbs more. You know why? I KNOW it's only water weight. I only had ONE SALT FREE RECOVERY DAY this week, and FOUR last week.

In my quest for moderation and to stay the same weight "zone" for several weeks, i feel i'm accomplishing it, and i feel quite satisfied with myself.

At some point again, i may go for a big weight loss push, to break 250 and maybe hang out in the 230's for a while. Would that ever be cool?

But for right now, i'm actually really enjoying where i am. I'm getting comfortable with finding a moderate path.

I still have severe challenges with RAW LIVING BREAD at work. That seems to be my number one issue. I think part of the issue is just IMPULSE CONTROL. Raw bread is like a cracker really, and has the snacking sensation of a potato chip. It's crispy, salty, fatty. It's hard to stop once you start.

I am toying with the idea of setting aside a mixed carton (5 slices) of bread for myself today. And that will be my allowed allotment for the day. That will address the impulse part of it. I won't then allow myself to 'taste' bread as i'm unloading the dehydrators and packing it up, a big big big DANGER zone for me, and i'll thoroughly enjoy 1 or 2 raw meals served on bread today.

As i'm already 253 and some, i'm a little afraid my weight will go too high if i really chow down. It would be best to keep it as simple and light as i can tolerate. It would be good if i planned what i would eat when i got there. It also helped before to make sure i eat something every 3-4 hours. When eating heavier foods, it's important for me to remember also to KEEP THE PORTIONS SMALL, not even because i'm trying to lose weight, but because if i eat a large portion, i'm not hungry for like 6 hours and i start to freak out and eat anyway. Best to eat smaller portions so i can enjoy eating again soon.

Most of this moderation thing is for me to actually ENJOY FOOD and reap great PLEASURE from it.

Binges are for the most part gluttonously grabbing for pleasure, but never EXPERIENCING it.

EAting from hunger in a relaxed joyous state is so pleasurable. It feels so good.

I'm ENJOYING FEELING GOOD.

Wish me luck, folks. I send love to you, send healing, loving energy for a day filled with pure raw joy! It CAN be achieved... It just takes a little learning sometimes! Hang in there...it's worth it!

xoxox michelle joy

Monday, July 20, 2009

Fantastical Fermentation FIESTA!!!

Hello dear folks,

Talia's potluck was so phenomenol, I have decided to refer to it as the Fantastical Fermentation Fiesta!

Talia's mom, Marina, a physician from Russia, and a raw foodist like her daughter Talia, is the QUEEN of FERMENTED FOODS!!! I have never in my life had so many DELICIOUS fermented foods in one sitting!!!

Tim and I tried to make up a song as an advertisement for Marina's cabbage, "what's all the fuss about? don't pout! without a doubt, you gotta shout, mamma marina's fantastic sauerkraut!"

The 'Fermentation Queen' made for us:
  • Rejuvelac! A fermented Quinoa juice. To make it, you 'crack' open raw quinoa in a vitamix with filtered water for just a minute, and you let the chunky mixture sit for a few days (?), thus, fermenting it, then strain off the liquid into a jar, discarding the quinoa chunks, and oila', that's Rejuvelac. You can use barley, rye, wheatberries, and other grains instead of quinoa. Rejuvelac was BIG at the raw retreat i went to, Optimum Health Institute. (Turns out Marina spent a week there as well!) What i DIDN'T know, was that in old Russia, the Russians used to MAKE a form of Rejuvelac and drink it. It's a very old drink with a history. The bacteria it creates by fermenting are beneficial for our digestion. Tim and I figured out finally after many tastes that the kind of nausiating elixer tastes of buttered popcorn. After that association, i had a hard time gagging it down!!!
  • Kombucha! A fermented tea that is started with an old, old "mushroom" that people pass off to one another. I don't know where Marina got her "mushroom" from. I'll have to ask! She offered ME some of her mushroom. (Uhhhh....i passed...Kombucha actually IS delicious, but i don't think i'll be making any anytime soon!) The drink tastes like a sweet gingerale that's kind of tart and acidic. It also has all of those fabulous bacteria that help us digest food.
  • Sauerkraut! Sauerkraut is fermented cabbage. Marina is the queen of the homemade sauerkraut. Talia has brought me some to Arnolds Way before and i absolutely flipped. Marina explained that she takes a big dutch 'oven' (a big thick pot), fills it with 4 shredded cabbages, a few shredded carrots, mixes in sea salt, covers the top completely with cabbage leaves, then an extra big round plate that fits into the pot, and on top of the plate goes a heavy weight to weigh down the plate. As the cabbage is weighted down, the cabbage juices (created from salting the cabbage) gurgle up over the plate. That's normal. You leave the pot in a cool room, around 70 degrees, for 3 or 4 days. On the 4th day, you lift everything up and stir up the cabbage, allowing the gases to escape. You secure the lid on again and let it ferment another 1-2 days. Oila', sauerkraut!!! I can't begin to tell you how delicious Marina's cabbage is. The longer you ferment it the softer it gets and the milder it gets. I have had fermented cabbage before and i hated it, it was so squeeky and strong. Marina's is so soft, it feels like cooked cabbage. I am so inspired to try to make this wonderfully healthy delicacy!!!!
  • Sauerkraut salad! Marina mixed fresh chopped parsley, chopped cucumber and chopped tomato and onion in with the original sauerkraut from above. Man, oh, man, was this ever good!!! It kind of "spread" out the sauerkraut, and created an even milder salad. SO DELISH i cannot tell you how many servings of this i had!!! 5 or 6?? I LOVED it!!!!
  • Fermented vegetables! Marina took a big pot, again, added big chunks of zucchini and carrot and other veggies, salted them, and i think did the same as with the sauerkraut - securing a lid and weight on them and then let them sit for days. Wow! What can't she ferment???!!!!

Marina told us that in Russia, there are no fruits and veggies available during the winter, so before winter, EVERYTHING that could be pickled and fermented WAS - to keep for winter and to eat then. Pickled watermelon, pickled this, pickled that. It is SO good for you and so delish!

POTLUCK PARTY!
The potluck was so fun and so nice! The weather was gorgeous and perfect. The house and grounds, beatiful, provided such a nice ambience. The company fabu. The hostesses, Talia and her mom, so generous, warm and lovely.

Talia is as pretty as ever :-)) What a beauty! She brought down her new kitten, an adorable furball that all of us wanted to sneak home in our purses. The doggies, however, uh, well, Talia can keep those!!!! We were all lovingly attacked and licked to death by her huge rambunctious golden retreivers. I wasn't sure i would make it out alive after their repeated zealous greetings, um, maulings. But i did!!!

We had such a good time! And the food was SOOOOOO good!!!!

FANTASTICAL FOOD
Tim and Leslie and i brought the 'toona' salad, which turned out yummy, but not as yummy as Leslie's raw blueberry pie. OMG!!!! DELISH!!! Her pie shell was to DIE, i mean, to LIVE for!!! Pecans, coconut and dates. Simple. And THE best EVER I have tasted to date!!!

Joan and her brother, Frank, and their Aunt Mary brought such good stuff, a yummy shredded cabbage slaw, a absolutely divine peach and raspberry "pie" filling (fresh peaches, quartered, with a tub of raspberries poured over in a blenderized sauce of fresh peach, agave and coconut oil), oh my, was this ever good! Joan also made jicama fries from the Boutenkos cookbook, "Eating without Heating." Amazing!!! Joan also made a shredded cabbage slaw. She also made this interesting drink! It looked exactly like coffee with cream in it, and had the mouth texture of prune juice. It was made of spearmint leaves blenderized with mango and watermelon!

Talia made a delicious corn salsa, "What i've been eating daily," remarked Talia, and a zucchini hummus with raw bread. The zucchini hummus was so light, wow. Oh, there was fresh Kolrabi (?) from Marinas' garden as well, sliced thinly. Delish! Like a sweet turnip! I was gifted my own Kohlrabi...which i will shred and make a salad for Cliff! He already thoroughly enjoyed sauerkraut leftovers with his lunch!!!! OOOhhhh, one of THE BEST dishes, and one of the SIMPLEST and total 80-10-10 was the mango durian pudding!!!! Awesome! Just mango and durian blenderized. WOW!!!

Arnold, my boss, was so gracious to come, too! His sons wedding was yesterday, but he still made it out! He brought some luscious green smoothies!

I brought some Ranier cherries and we all devoured those.

I must be missing something...but you get the jist. It was FABULOUS!!!

Aunt Mary sang several songs for us and led us in singing Happy Birthday to Tim.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TIM!!!
I will soon be interviewing Tim and Leslie for the blog. They are so amazing. They run daily. They are over 50 but have the bodies of 20 year olds. They are committed raw foodists, so on fire for raw. One can't help but get caught up in their zest and enthusiasm for life, for raw, for living, for loving!

HOW'D I DO?
I, uh, really enjoyed myself at the party, um, really, really enjoyed myself, did i say, really? (tee hee) i think i ate 3 plates worth of food. But, so did Leslie, so i didn't feel so badly!!! I was hungry. It was late, almost 5pm when we ate and i'd only eaten fruit until then, so it was worth it!

I can't say i felt totally in control, i didn't, there was some significant panic, especially because some of the items were well salted, absolutely heavenly, but life is too short to always be...perfect!!! Fiestas are a time to enjoy beloved friends and enjoy good times. Everyone eats too much at a party, so it's not such a biggie. I enjoyed myself :-)))

Thank you Talia and Marina for such a lovely day!

POOP PATROL
I took 3, 3, can you believe it, 3 poops today, haha! It must have been all of that cabbage!!!

SALT UPDATE
I'm staying away from salt today since yesterday was a high salt day. I weighed in this morning at 256.5 and that kinda freaked me out. It's still not as bad as 258, so i'm overall doing better than last week. The only problem with this week is the lack of time off of work to do my salt free recovery days.

Oh well.... Rome wasn't built in a day!!!

A PRODUCTIVE DAY...a good day!!!
No walky yet today. Would be nice to get one in. [i just did...35 mins of fast pace!]

Very productive day today, however. I practiced my singing, practiced my monologue, did several loads of laundry, several loads of dishes, went shopping, did some cooking for Cliff. All good. I also put all of our laundry away.

Always saying to myself, "i wish i had more 'pure raw joy'. i'm always complaining and bemoaning my fate on the blog."

But, i had a good day today, though. It felt very joyous, indeed! It was a mix of decadent and 80-10-10ing, yet all salt free. Quite an enjoyable, moderate day, if i say so myself. A very productive, luscious and joyfilled, pure raw joy day.

As was yesterdays potluck!!!!!!!!!

FOOD/ACTIVITY
BREAKFAST:
1 glass of chocolate strawberry shake. Craved something decadent. (Strawberries, bananas, cacao, almond butter, agave, vanilla). Permitted a decadent breakfast and in so doing realized i'd had enough after one glass. I think this is the way to pure raw joy. Listening and learning it's okay to want, partake, and lovely to stop.

SNACK:
blended salad soup (1 tomato, 1/2 cucumber, a little water, celery, 1/2 zucchini, some lemon juice, blenderized. no salt no oil. first bite? blech. 2nd? yum. last bite? wish i had more!

SNACK:
vanilla banana pudding (5 small bananas, vanilla, ice) yum. simple. delish.

LUNCH:
salt free 'ceasar salad'. YUM! big bowl romaine, red onion, lots of nutritional yeast, dressing of: garlic, cashew butter, water, juice of 1 lemon)

DINNER:
3 glasses leftover chocolate strawberry shake. uh, yummmmmo!

EXERCISE: 35 mins kickass walk!

SNACK: raw lemonade (lemon, lime, ice, filtered water, agave); chopped romaine salad (pulse chopped romaine, onion, carrot, kohlrabi) with leftover cashew/garlic/lemon dressing. yummmmmmmmmmo!

Much love, xoxo michelle joy

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Talia's Potluck!!!

Good Sunday Morning!

Unofficial weight this morning: 255 (down .5 lbs after a day containing 1 salty gourmet meal). That's nice to wake up and lose weight when i didn't even TRY!!!

Today is Talia's Potluck! Yay!!!!
I LOVE Talia!!!! Here she is below with Arnold talking about raw food for humans and pets. Isn't she GORGEOUS????? She's an old fashioned natural beauty who looks like a model in a Renoir painting :-))) or "The Girl with the Pearl"!!!

Talia is a psychologist, a rawfood chef, potluck leader, animal advocat, daughter of a physician (her mom, who is also raw) - Talia is REAL, RAW and a bundle of LOVE!

I'm excited about her potluck!!! I didn't realize she was on an 80-10-10 journey of her own!


TALIA ON YOUTUBE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUVvauMh-b4

The awesome duo, Tim and Leslie Arnold, marathon runners, 50+, who have lost 170 lbs between the two of them, have offered to drive me to the potluck, so we figured, if we're going together, we might as well make some raw food together! Leslie's been dying to learn how to make my famous raw 'toona', so we'll be making that together this morning and taking it to the potluck.

LOONA for TOONA
I'm telling you, at least 5 people come in daily into Arnolds Way to ask if i've made 'toona'. This stuff is so good, so decadent. The dish was originally a mistake..., but it turned out to be a brilliant mistake :-)) Best eaten in moderation!

Lisa Montgomery, author of upcoming book, "Raw Inspiration: Living Dynamically with Raw Food" is including my recipe in her book (due out soon!). Lisa told me she has tried ALL of the raw 'toona' recipes out there, and mine is the very best :-)) Well, aw shucks! Thank you! It is also the most fattening!!!!, i'm sure, that's why it's so good!!!

Recovery Days...Gourmet Bliss...Plans for the day, the week....
I usually have 3 days over the weekend, and if i'm lucky, sometimes a 4th day as "recovery days," days in which i can return to 80-10-10 and lose the salty gourmet bloat from my days of 'raw gourmet fun.' No such luck this week.

Yesterday, a planned light day, i chose to eat a salty gourmet meal, which was incredibly enjoyable and i even woke up to lose .5lbs this morning...yeah!

Today i have the potluck.....potlucks are renowned for heavy meals....

Tomorrow i am off, so, it's possible to go light then.

Then Tuesday i work again and i'm back to the gourmet grind.

Mind you, on any of these days, it is absolutely MY CHOICE what i eat, if i chose to eat lightly (80-10-10) or if i choose to eat heavier. I KNOW that. I'm completely aware of that.

My goal was to return to 250-ish every week after my foray's into gourmet yumm. Tuesday i am supposed to get weighed for my official weigh in. I feel confident if i 80-10-10'd until Tuesday, i'd be 250 for sure.

The choice is: Will i 80-10-10 today?...Or will i 'moderate' today at the Potluck?

Do i focus on the WEIGHT goal? Or forget it, and ENJOY MYSELF at the Potluck and let the weight take care of itself. If i don't return to 250 this week, there's always next week.

Choices. Choices.

I have my period and i actually feel pretty shitty, a little crampy, not too bad, but a little.

I actually think the noni juice is helping with this. Noni juice is renowned for helping women overcome PMS and period cramps.

It actually MIGHT be so nice just to go light today.

I have had some awesome really enjoyable gourmet meals over the last few days. I think back on them and all i feel/think is "Mmmmmm!" and i feel warm and fuzzy. If i bypassed the gourmet today, i think i could feel fine, knowing i enjoyed myself plenty this week.

What's nice is it's all under my control and i get to choose what is best for me.

You know what's COOL too? Gourmet has changed over the last few days from something i dread (because i KNOW i'll binge) or OBSESS about (because i'm chasing JOY which i never can really get) to something absolutely JOYFILLED (because i know if i'm hungry how much i enjoy it!).

Gourmet is BLISS as long as I am present, hungry and enjoy!

Binge eating on gourmet really IS NOT as pleasaurable as a raw gourmet meal eaten with hunger and intention. I'm always SEARCHING FRANTICALLY for the pleasure....AND IT KEEPS ESCAPING ME. The true pleasure is to know WHEN TO STOP. After a certain point, the joy is gone, the tone is frantic, panicy.

I remember once hearing that nothing ever tastes as good after the first bite. I must say, it IS true, that food eaten when hungry tastes the very very BEST!!!! Gluttonously groping and shoveling to EXTEND THAT PLEASURE...never really do. They backfire and make you feel worse than good.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

AUDITION PREP
Worked on my monologue a bit with Cliff this morning.

Uy, nervous about the monologue...needs a lot of work!

I think i'll sing 'Climb ev'ry mountain' for my 32 bars.

~ ~ ~ ~

Lots to do today! Exercise, go shopping, head over to Tim and Leslies, and then to the potluck.

You know, if i see some nice fruit at the market, i think i'll get some and bring it to the potluck so i have a choice today, should i be led to keep it light.

Actually, i could even MAKE a light, fat free, salt free raw dish...and bring THAT too!

More later!

xoxo michelle joy

Saturday, July 18, 2009

A Bright Smile...And a Joyful Heart!

Hello Folks,

Here is my new headshot, cropped a bit :-)) At least it conveys some joy! :-))

The application for Sight and Sound Entertainment Center is due this Monday. I was a good girl and just sent my paperwork and photo today. Hopefully, they'll be dazzled by my smile!?? Wish me luck I sing well and act well at my audition next Monday, July 27. I'm working on a monologue from a play by Oscar Wilde, 'A Woman of No Importance.'

Weight this morning: 255 1/2....(from 250) after 2 days of gourmeting. (Much better than 258.) Man, oh, man, was i nervous to get on the scale this morning. I was really scared i would be in the 260's.

I got my period this morning, so i'm doubley thrilled my weight is not too bad. It's period bloat along with gourmet bloat...so it's not so horrendous. The daily walks are helping me process the heavier food, i think.

Let me try to recall what i ate yesterday. Breakfast a green smoothie, i walked. When i got to work i had a chocolate smoothie, yum. I had a few more smoothies, leftovers.

My lunch was mind blowing: 2 slices raw bread with tons of veggies, white sauce w/o nama shoyu, tomato sauce, 1 raw steak burger. I enjoyed it sitting. Nothing tastes as good as good food WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY.

I began picking on raw bread as i packed up bread. I had at least 5 peices. I felt so sick afterwards. I didn't eat for a long time after that. I remember later having the raw toona, the fake potato salad. Everything else is a blur. Maybe i didn't do THAT terribly yesterday?

In all honestly, I'm sometimes not really 100% sure if what i'm attempting to do is really 'working' to reduce binge eating, that is, 'allowing' myself gourmet food, and 'legalizing' it, in an attempt to kind of take the 'illegal charge' out of it. It's hard to 'see' myself as a success if i still fall under the spell of binge eating.

However, when i really think about it, I actually DO believe i see great improvements, and i don't think i'm just fooling myself.

I used to be MUCH MORE DRIVEN before I began venturing into the world of 'legalization', and these episodes would last for WEEKS. (The last 2-week long binge episode i had was before i started this blog and I gained 23 lb in two weeks).

My 5+ lb temporary weight gain doesn't thrill me, but after the 2nd or third week doing this, i'm calming down and recognizing it really IS temporary. Alot of the fear and panic is gone. THAT is improvement. Serious improvement.

Yes, I look and feel bloated. But, i know now that after a few days of 80-10-10ing, i'll be back to 250-ish. (Maybe over time, i'll gain less and less, and actually lose very very slowly, overall. That would be nice!)

Today so far was a perfect 'moderation' day. If i could have daily days like this.....where i eat one gourmet meal and don't fly out of control...i'd be....just like everyone else!!! Today we were in the Lansdale, PA area, so for lunch I stopped into Arnolds Way, and though this was a planned 'light' day, i decided i wanted a gourmet meal, as i was THERE and HUNGRY and WHY NOT? I AM supposed to be learning how to eat in moderation so i don't binge. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to do just that!

I shared a chocolate whip with Cliff, yum. And I thoroughly enjoyed, i mean, really, really (what a joy to enjoy a gourmet meal) a raw cheeseburger sandwhich. I was very hungry and, god, it was so good. What was SO great, was that I felt no guilt afterwards. No compulsive feelings. What a treat. I felt NORMAL. Just a meal. I enjoyed it. And then it was over. And it didn't live on and on in my head in a crazy way. Wow!

We had a very busy Saturday morning, and i took a short walk onto Main Street to meet Cliff for a lovely iced tea in this absolutely gorgeous weather this morning before we headed out. He's napping, so i'm heading out for a more substantial walk in a few minutes.

I was invited to a raw potluck tomorrow. I was much more concerned this morning how i was going to deal with it. Would i eat there? Would i binge? Would i stay on 80-10-10 and avoid the food? But i'm gaining confidence in my ability to moderate since i had such a positive experience with lunch. I'll keep you informed!!!

Wish me luck!

FOOD/ACTIVITY
EXERCISE:
a 20 minute walk to Main Street and back

PRE-BREAKFAST: 3 peaches

BREAKFAST: 1.5 glasses leftover green smoothie

BEVERAGE: 1.5 large herbal iced teas unsweetened

LUNCH: 1/2 large cocoa whip. 1 raw cheeseburger (2 slices raw bread, 1 burger halved, veggies, tomato sauce, white sauce w/o the nama shoyu, no olives/pickles.

EXERCISE: A good 20 minute walk uphill

DINNER: Huge fruit smoothie! Strawberries, blueberries, 5 bananas, icecubes, agave, 1 heaping Tbsp cashew butter. ooh la la!

More later! xoxox michelle joy

Friday, July 17, 2009

Mouth Party!

Weight yesterday: 250

Unofficial Weigh In this morning: 254 1/2 (after gourmet raw work day)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hi folks,

So i weighed myself this morning after having a gourmet work day, and it wasn't that bad...

But, well, it's NOT gonna be good tomorrow!!!

Today was my last work day this week. It didn't go well food-wise...

But i had a blast working with my fun and adorable crack up coworker Megan, "Megabites"! We had such fun together. She is so cute and i had fun helping her make fake potato salad for the potluck tomorrow. Yum!

Food wise, bad things started early. I started snacking on the raw bread pretty early, even though i told myself i wouldn't. I felt so physically bad after that, i felt like dying. i took some Betaine HCL and felt better a few hours later after not eating anything.

I had started the day really really well with a big green smoothie...and a big big walk this morning, did the dishes, 4 loads of laundry. I had a full day by 11am as i awoke at 4am.

The day ended with me chowing down on raw toona with my finger out of a little container, digging raw mushrooms into cashew cream, tasting over and over again Megan's fabu fake potato salad and downing more Betain HCL to help me digest the mouth party i engaged in.

Curiously enough, i wasn't really upset with myself. I had a good time. It was all yummy. It reminded me of my old days at Arnolds just enjoying everything and never suffering many consequences from it. Sweet! I enjoyed everything i ate today even though i went more than a little nuts.

(The toona also has olives in it. Not the good kind of salt.)

I'm actually not devastated or even depressed about it. I'm too tired for that, and in too good a mood from my fun girl chat day with Megabites.

But, if i weigh less than 258 tomorrow, it'll be a miracle!!!! I drank ALOT ...and don't remember peeing much!

SO unbelievably tired. beyond tired. beyond. beyond. i've been up since about 4am. if i can think of it tomorrow, i'll try to recall what i ate today. i stopped writing down when things began to slide out of control.

Bad habits die hard.

love to you all,

xoxo michelle joy