Thursday, July 9, 2009

Attempt at Creating Order out of Chaos

8:00 a.m.
ACTIVITY: 30 mins walk and 9 hour work day

8:15 a.m.
DRINK: 1.5 large iced herbal tea

8:30 a.m.
BREAKFAST: 1/2 vitamix of chocolate gourmet shake, awesome (banana, strawberries, cacao powder, agave, 1 crystal celtic salt, 1 tbsp almond butter, vanilla)

10 a.m.
DRINK: 1 Ayala water, calorie free water

10:30 a.m.
SNACK: 2 2-oz banana whip samples

12:00 p.m.
LUNCH: Medium salad with (greens, carrot, tomato, onion) with salt free dressing (cashew, sunflower, garlic, tomato, red pepper), 2 Tbsp nutritional yeast, 1 tbsp raw vinegar, juice of 1/2 orange yummy

2:05 p.m. hungry
SNACK: chopped veggies (zucchini, onion, tomato, red pepper, mushroom, celery, carrot chopped) with spritz of 'red sauce' (tomato, sundried tomato, red pepper, celtic salt, garlic, lemon)

4:30 p.m.
SNACK: Yummy tutti fruity shake (banana, orange juice of 2 oranges, lemon juice of 1/2 lemon, 3 squirts vanilla extract, peaches)

6:00 p.m.
DINNER: hungry 2 slices raw bread with thin spead of maya's garlic onion cheeze (garlic, onion, almonds, cashews, celtic salt), lots of chopped veggies on top (chopped tomato, carrot, onion, mushroom)

7:00 p.m.
** 9 peices raw bread and 1 container 'awesome foods' eggless salad, 3 bites berry cheeze pie

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hello dear folks,

Right now, i am laying on my sofa so tired i can't even see straight. I've been up since 4:50 a.m. when i woke up to make a poopoo. What craziness, pooping in the middle of the night. It must be all of those nuts.

I've been supplementing with Betaine HCL to help me digest and i really believe in that enzyme. When i take it, i don't experience reflux laryngitis from nuts.

Today was the 3rd of 4 LONG 9 hour workdays in a row. I'm TIRED! I'm on my feet most of the day, i've also been walking and i'm just zonked. Maybe it's all of the nuts and salt.

This morning i decided to create some ORDER out of CHAOS and to PLAN MY MEAL TIMES as suggested in the book, "Overcoming Binge Eating" to help me control my eating.

I decided that eating every three hours would be reasonable, since sometimes when i get on a roll, a binge, i eat every 15 mins. Not good. Every three hours would be much better. Dr. Fairburn in his book suggests leaving NO MORE than 3-4 hours in between meals. That way, we become accustomed to eating smaller meals since we 'know' we'll be eating again soon.

I found it did do quite a lot to remove some anxiety.

Since i'd drank a shake at home after my walk, i drank water until it was time for meal time again, although i was hungry when i ate the whip samples off of the schedule. In all honesty, i wasn't actually that hungry for my salad, but it was time to eat and it was a salt free meal, which was a good thing. I was hungry some two and a half hours later, so i ate and enjoyed it. It was a good veggie meal with a light squirt of gourmet sauce on it. THIS is the way i should eat gourmet.

For my meals this day, I truly felt like the eating disorder was a thing of the past, I ate in peace, seated, enjoying. I tried to wait for a reasonable 3 hours in between eating episodes, except for when i was truly hungry feeling like i really needed something. I ate a lot of veggies today and a fair amount of fruit, fat, and really tried to watch the salt.

At the end of the day, i was beyond exhausted, anxious, and had to wait for a customer who was next door and would come back to pick up their things so i could close the shop. I was all alone. My guard was down. I had just told myself i wouldn't eat anything else today because i had had some gourmety things (i don't think that was smart of me to do, forbid myself more food, it set up an automatic rebellion), and wham, i lost it. I started tasting raw bread and before i knew it, i chose to eat a whole box of 5, opened an 'awesome foods' eggless salad and had that with another 4 slices of raw bread. I felt overly full and saddened as it was a kind of unfortunate event to top off a day which 'felt' like it went really well (for a gourmet work day). Now i felt like a 'failure.'

I closed up shop and dragged myself to the car. Man, was i pooped.

I know i was just insanely tired and i suppose telling myself i couldn't eat anymore kind of set me off. This is so MENTAL.

80-10-10 Glory Days
ALL IN ALL, at the end of the day, i'm thinking I WAS much BETTER OFF on 80-10-10.

I didn't have these issues then.

They only occur with my drugs of choice (fat and salt).

I'm starting to think that maybe these two substances are just too dangerous for me to try to control.

I can do okay and kind of get by, but out of control behavior is always just around the corner.

I honestly don't think this out of control behavior is completely emotionally based. Rather i think it's just a substance abuser (me) having to deal with her substance (fat and salt), in an emotional moment. It's like gunpowder...meeting....oil. kabang! 2 highly charged things...meeting.

I was better off without most of this stuff. I never lost control, until i started to indulge in excess fat and salt again.

So, I was due another snack at 8:30 pm. But, in my desire to lose weight, i told myself, "NO! Bad girl!"

So, instead of planning and eating a reasonable snack, I rebelled a self imposed CONTROL that was not PLANNED, and experienced an out of control overblown meal. I started picking, not seated, and it just escalated. One good note is - i made myself sit down for the crackers and eggless salad, so that was improved behavior, rather than sneaking, but it would have been triumphant had i not done it at all.

My ankles are swollen and i feel dissappointed in my behavior, but honestly, i do acknowledge that the rest of the day was, perhaps not 80-10-10, but 'in control'. I felt normal. That was cool.

My yeast infection is still irritating, but i chose to get an over-the-counter remedy for it instead of 80-10-10ing with no fat (what arnold would say to do). i may heal my coochiecoo but i'll go bald in the process. What would you chose?

I don't know. i just am so kind of immersed the last few work days in trying to learn how to eat moderately that doing what would honestly be the most healthful for me....80-10-10...doesn't appeal.

And that i find total insanity. Because for so long it made so much sense to me.

My ankles feel like balloons.

Am i going to weigh myself tomorrow morning? I was like 256.5 this morning. i had lost some since the previous day.

Tomorrow is supposed to be weigh in.


Good night, all,
xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

Debbie said...

Is there another job you can get????