Good News! Bad News...

Good morning on this grey Philly day!

Here is the good news...and the bad news down below and two pictures i found that really express how i feel. The good news is that the bad news is not about food today. That's good news.

Here is what i ate yesterday at work...and some comments about how i felt about it....

FOOD/ACTIVITY FROM TUESDAY, JULY 21, 2009
Pre-Breakfast: Ranier cherries, a few handfuls, hungry!

Breakfast: 1.5 glasses Coconut Vanilla shake (banana, vanilla, coconut shreds, agave, filtered water, a little cashew butter)

I recognized my 'hunger' turned off, so i didn't drink as much as i usually do. eating smaller portions is so cool because you get to eat more often.

Snack: 1/2 "turkey" sandwhich (1 slice raw bread with 2 Tbsp of turkey nut pate' on it, with lots of veggies)

Beyond good! this was THE ultimate meal. HIGH in flavor and a smaller portion than i usually take, what a new revelation! The less you eat, the better it tastes, the more you enjoy it!

Late lunch : 2 slices raw bread with cashew sauce (no nama shoyu) and lots of veggies piled high (no olives/pickles), 1 slice of mayas raw pie, small strawberry banana whip.

I was really looking forward to lunch, but, well, it didn't TASTE that good. i had made my own cashew sauce as i'm avoiding nama shoyu. after i ate 1/2 sandwhich (1 slice raw bread with veggies and sauce), i had that feeling that i'd had enough. my taste buds kind of turned off and i SIGHED, a big clue we are done eating.

Unfortunately, in my PLEASURE seeking, i continued on, but didn't receive anymore pleasure. I ate a peice of pie trying to get 'happy' from food and that didn't work either.

It reminded me of my father, who used to come home from a hard day at work to find a meal that i'd made (i used to cook often as a teenager) that he didn't particularly want (chicken, fish, etc...). 9 times out of 10, he didn't enjoy the food and grumpily ate it, commenting afterward when asked how it was that it was 'fair.'

First of all, as i was a child, this was immensely painful for me as i never received acknowlegement for what i had DONE. My father's thoughtless and self centered behavior was extremely hurtful to me. Second of all, my father always wanted to get HAPPY from food and i resented that. If what i had cooked wasn't something bad for him, like pasta (he's a diabetic), he wasn't happy.

The truth of the matter was, he'd had a hard day at work, and HE wasn't happy. He wanted to escape in food.

It's not good to SEEK pleasure from food like that.

I think wanting FOOD first should be the priority. And then when we find the pleasure in it, i think that's wonderful.

The hard part is when what we select is not pleasurable to us.

The whip, however, was delicious, and i was like, 'wow...maybe that's what i ultimately had wanted?'

The experience with not receiving a pleasurable feeling from what i was eating... was well, very unpleasant.

My problem was that the second i recognized this, that i was NOT enjoying what i made for myself, i should have simply packed up the meal for later, and moved on.

Instead i kept eating. This will be a skill i am going to have to work on.

I applaud myself, however, for making better and better choices at work. I'm not taking super salty stuff, i'm making my own sauce, i'm conscious to take lots of veggies. I'm sitting always to eat. I'm conscious and aware. I'm noticing smaller portions. I eat when i'm hungry for the majority of the day.

There was a day i might have considered that lunch a binge. But it was NOT. I was fully aware. I was not in a panic. The entire dynamic has changed completely.

SOMETHING GOOD is happening and i think what Dr. Fairburn says about overcoming binge eating (in his book of that name), that when you allow yourself everything, you realize you don't actually WANT it or even LIKE it or are HUNGRY for it and that binge eating will severely diminish. It has. This is huge success!

As my good friend, Shawna 17070 said to me the other day concerning an eating episode somewhere, i can't even remember, 'maybe you didn't binge, maybe you just overate.'

YES! I believe, yes, i may still overeat, but overeating is a completely different issue than binge eating. She is SOOO right.

In fact, in Fairburns book he goes into GREAT detail about this. He notes that in order for an obese binge eater to stop binge eating, she has to actually make PEACE with overeating. That FIRST she must work on STOPPING BINGE EATING and stopping binge eating may include episodes of overeating. Only much later should she work on curbing overeating. Interesting!!!!! It feels like i'm on target!!!!

Snack: 1 strawberry whip

Beverage: 1 large box coconut water

Snack: SS spirulina shake with no banana

Dinner: Pineapple peach hemp shake, Supersize, was definitely hungry, felt it. Enjoyed it!

Snack: leftover breakfast smoothie, 2 glasses, was definitely hungry, felt it. Enjoyed it, too!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

WEIGHT
Man, was i SCARED to weigh myself this morning. I am so pleasantly surprised to have weighed in at 2551/4. Look, anything under 258 to me now is HUGE SUCCESS. In ingesting salt and raw bread (dehydrated food), there is always a weight gain. I'm thrilled with this one. When i woke up, i said to myself, 'i know i'm over 260.' I'm amazed that eating regular raw 'gourmet' food does not make me gain huge amounts of weight. I'm happy.

RECOVERY
Today can be a 'recovery' day should i choose. That would mean no salt and lower in fat.

RAW BREAD IMPULSE CONTROL
Yesterday was an absolute revelation in terms of impulse control. While unpacking bread from the dehydrators, i had that feeling, that HUGE IMPULSE to eat it up, but i said to myself, 'GO GET A CONTAINER...AND CHOOSE A SELECTION OF 5 PEICES for yourself! They are YOURS!"

Wow, that felt CALMING and exciting. My own pack of raw bread! i labeled it with my name and set it aside for when i got hungry.

Later, i saw a slice of raw bread that i had not noticed before, it had a creamy look to it and i wanted it. Instead of eating it, i switched it for a boring peice in my container. I felt relieved. I get to HAVE it. But it didn't have to be RIGHT THEN.

When it came time to eat and i wanted bread, i went to my container!

I only ate 3 peices of raw bread yesterday!!! For a girl who can pack away 15 in minutes, this was amazing success.

At the end of the day, i found my container with 2 slices still in it, and you know what? I absolutely didn't WANT them. In ALLOWING MYSELF, giving myself PERMISSION to eat them, i was FREE to recognize i didn't want them. AMAZING!!!!!

BAD NEWS
I can't believe i was sent a rejection notice (based on my headshot and resume that i sent) from Sight and Sound regarding the upcoming auditions. I apparently was not the 'type' they were looking for. To receive this email felt absolutely awful. Terrible dissappointment. Maybe i didn't send the right picture? Maybe i was too happy in it? Maybe i'm too fat? I weigh well over 100 lb less then when i worked there last. Maybe they didn't like my operatic experience on my resume? Maybe they just didn't like my dress?

When i was in the Christmas Musical at Sight and Sound years ago, Earl, the director, LOVED my voice and gave me a nice role. He often pointed me out for doing a great job, for singing beautifully. One time i was sick and Cherrie had to fill in for me. "No, you're not really doing it right," he told her, "Do it like Michelle." One time in a rehearsal, he got so caught up listening to my voice he apologized to the choir and said he lost his place, wasn't listening to them anymore, but was so lost in how beautiful my voice was. Boy, did THAT ever feel good.

That's why i was so certain i would be welcomed back with open arms. I even had visions and desires and dreams that an entire MUSICAL would be created to highlight....ME.

I've been working on my monologue daily, really pouring my soul into it, really connecting emotionally to the text, practicing for Cliff, reaching out to an actor friend to have him 'listen' to me.

I was even ready to move to Lancaster with Cliff. To ask Sight and Sound to give HIM a job as well.

It's not that i didn't WANT it. I did! So much!!! How could the SECRET be at work here? That's what i don't understand. The SECRET would say that i just didn't want it badly enough. That i just didn't attract it into my universe. That feels awful 'knowing' or 'contemplating' that i just didn't do something right, and that if i would have only wanted it more, i would have gotten a chance to do the audition.

Christianity would say it just was not in God's plan for me for this time. That actually feels more comforting than the SECRET right now.

Not the right 'type'? Why didn't they post the roles they were casting? if they were all wispy 90 pound teenage roles, i wouldn't have submitted my application.

In the show i was in, we had a plethora of young and old, of fat and thin.

At the auditions also, all body types were encouraged.

I'm so dissappointed.

What's so horrible about rejection is that you never know WHY. I'm just left wondering. And feeling badly.

My spiritual teachings from the Foundation of Human Understanding, http://www.fhu.com/, would say NOT to react emotionally to it, just to overlook the rejection and go on.

And when we face dissappointment, the SECRET says to just keep persisting and wanting it. That it WILL happen.

Okay, maybe the timing was just not right. Maybe God DOES have other plans for me.

xoxox michelle joy