It is THE most gorgeous day here in Philly. Cool breezes. Sunny sky.
WEIGHT HAS NOT GONE HIGHER
Good news. Fear overcame me as i stepped on the scale this morning. I asked Cliff to hold my hand... :-)) (Of course, silly, he let go of my hand to weigh me on our drs scale!) I was pleasantly surprised to see I still weighed 257.5...still...this morning. It was a relief that i had not gained anymore. It is exciting to know that i can eat a combination of light and heavy foods, as i did yesterday, and not GAIN weight overnight.
Yesterday was probably the most successful of the 4 day work week in terms of food.
Perhaps that means I'm learning to 'moderate' there? After 4 days finally...it SEEMS to be improving. I had peaches, a spirulina shake, a salt free low fat chopped salad, 2 banana whips, 2 slices raw bread with a little spread (about 2 oz) and tons of veggies. Only later did i begin tasting while un-cooking, and had a few ounces of 'toona' (a nutpate), and i ate 1 oz of raw chocolate not sitting, savoring. Compared to 9 slices of raw bread, this is huge improvement.
Yet, leaving work last night, i felt like i weighed a ton. Felt like a failure. Physically, i was completely exhausted, and I was bloated. You know, the salt, the pate'.
I just FELT HUGE.
THAT was my perspective then. It was colored by what felt like failure.
It's amazing, looking over the day, i'm seeing just how my perceptions of an event/s/days/success/failure can change so drastically with just a good night's rest.
To NOT weigh any more this morning was like, HUMONGOUS SUCCESS! WOWOWOWOW!!!!
So, let's put this all together. Let's put it in perspective.
I ADORE my new darling friend, Shawna1707, who writes me the most amazingly uplifting emails. She keeps telling me NOT to focus on the weight. I know, dearest, i know. But, um, i can't RESIST!!!!!
I just HAVE to get this all in perspective.
Sunday, 6 days ago, I weighed in at 253.5.
On Saturday, the day before, i weighed-in in the morning at 258, then did 80-10-10 all day and lost like 5 pounds of water weight the next morning!
So, technically, since last Saturday, I've stayed pretty much the SAME! That's good.
And since last sunday gained only 4 lbs. That's not THAT bad.
On Friday, July 3, i weighed in at 250 lbs. A little over a week ago.
So, since last Friday, a week and a day, I've gained 7.5 pounds. And during that week, 4 days of it included adding a large amount of gourmet raw to my diet while i was at work (a raw kitchen), coupled with some out of control eating there, coupled with some good choices.
You know, in a freaky sort of a way, it kind of seems like i'm learning better how to listen to myself, honor myself, treat myself well, and that this is what this is all about?????????? It's a rocky road getting there. But, i'm kind of feeling hopeful i will.
WHICH DIRECTION TO GO NOW?
One minute i'm spiritual. The next i'm mental.
Would you like a window into the mind of an eater disordered woman?
Here it is. Lots of mental diarreah, trying to 'figure' things out, plan what to do, listen to myself, make sense out of dissappointing behavior and congratulate myself for improved behavior.
It's a strange mix of trying to listen to my 'head' (what i know), my heart (what i need), my desires (what i want) (which seems to change all of the time), my body (how i physically feel) (my body definitely speaks to me in conflicting messages) - (the bloat says 'stay away from salt', the belly says 'i'm hungry', the appetite says 'gimme something good', the itchies say 'don't give me fat', the belly says again 'give me fat'.)
Basically, I'm exhausted being ME!
WEIGHING IT ALL OUT
It's Saturday morning. I don't work today. I don't work tomorrow.
I have the opportunity for the next few days to enter into a cleansing mode again.
But, i can't stop dreaming of getting a gourmet meal or two or three at Oasis Living Cuisine (http://www.oasis-pa.com/) which is open today. You see how insidious this "thing" is? This food thing.
Either i'm a gourmet addict, or i deserve to treat myself. I've still not decided how to view my desires. I still don't understand if my desires are to be HONORED or IGNORED. Doug Graham would say to ignore them.
BALANCE OR DISCIPLINE, WHAT DO I NEED???????
Heck, a good gourmet meal would taste good. It would also continue the bloat.
What i'd like. I'd LIKE to experience lower numbers on the scale over the next few days. I'd LIKE to clean out, get rid of the salt, get rid of the bloat. Re-focus on fruit, on smoothies, maybe i'll even make some juice!
I wish i could be like Dustin and Meredith. They've really figured out how to create a balance for themselves, or to just go with the flow, address their changing moods and desires. Eat what they want, but also have discipline. Why is this so hard for me? I think they are very much in TUNE with themselves. As a binge eater, i'm OUT OF TOUCH alot.
But, i'm, uh, i'm, heck, i'm trying, gimme some credit. I think i'm getting BETTER.
I'm so very very inspired by my friends, Meredith and Dustin, raw foodists who moved recently to Colorodo. Meredith writes the most fantabulous blog at http://www.therawseed.com/. I keep up with it daily. SO INSPIRING. LOVE YOU MEREDITH!
Meredith and Dustin enjoy all that life has to offer with vibrancy and positive energy, and a BIG secret to their 'diet' and 'balancing' success is the huge glasses of green juices that they enjoy every morning. After that, they later savor and enjoy whatever raw food they want the rest of the day. Even raw cheeses. Man oh Manoschewitz. It's been 2.5 YEARS since i've eaten cheese. If i was with them in Boulder, i might have to indulge. But, i'm SCARED to even OPEN THAT door!
Dustin has miraculously managed to lose some 80 pounds, and little, petite, adorable Meredith is still little, petite, and adorable no matter WHAT she eats!
The key for these two is the GREEN JUICES.
HAVE JUICER WILL TRAVEL
My juicer is upstairs on the 3rd floor and has not yet made the transition down to our new kitchen on the 1st floor.
I have a lot of celery (and frozen bananas) in the fridge, so it looks like it's time to carry the Champion downstairs!!!
A JUICE FEAST?
The last time i did a juice feast it was inspired by Meredith's juice feast. I never planned on doing one, it just sort of 'happened' and was very much led by the Spirit within. I had juiced a ton of veggies, had about 4 huge bottles of fresh juice, began indulging in the elixer and i realized, heck, i didn't want anything else. I so enjoyed doing it.
I was shocked that after WEEKS of over-over-overindulgence at ARnolds Way, i was able to release 12 lbs in a 4 day juice feast.
I've not thought of that in a long time, and let me tell you, the bloat right now is not comfortable. Perhaps a juice FEAST is where the spirit and the body want to go!!!
CARLENE'S NEW PROGRAM MAY BE A GOOD MATCH FOR ME
I also am considering joining Carlene's new online 6 week program. Here is the advertising note i received from her about the new program.
The 6 Week Program for Finding Your Perfect Diet and Fast Weight Loss is a go! The start date is next Thursday July 17th. Registration closes on Wednesday the 16th.
There is no weight requirement, and you can choose to do raw, part-raw, or no-raw at all. This new way of finding the right plan first is really making a huge difference in sustainability which means long term success. Even though we will start in discovery mode you will still experience weight loss the first two weeks because of the reduction in calories and sodium. After the first two weeks everyone will be brought to weight loss mode at a level you feel comfortable with. For some that will be fast, for some steady. Doing it this way will allow you to explore a plan specifically for you that will make sense, give you the health benefits you are looking for, let you lose the weight, and then give you the peace of mind that once the weight is gone you will be able to keep it off for the rest of your life.
I don't promise a magic pill, but with your hard work, some great reality checks, and an open mind you can beat your weight problems. When you are done with this program you will never be able to say that no diet works for you, and once that lie is gone you have to take full responsibility for your weight and your happiness surrounding your relationship to food.
This is going to be a great six weeks. To read everything about the program and to apply go to http://internetmailmanager.com/i/ou.htma=193037&b=1490165&c=11036958&d=http:~~www.carlenejones.com~6WeekProgram.php
If you are a Mac user, please email me prior to paying so we can make sure you can hear the daily audios.
If you already have a user id with RFBC, please re-apply under a different user name so everyone starts fresh for this program.
I am very excited, this is the perfect program for me. It incorporates everything I have learned over the past 3.5 years of coaching and works for everyone regardless of their weight or eating preference.
I look forward to getting to know you.
Carlene Jones, firstname.lastname@example.org
Your Weight Loss Coach
Geez, Louise, THIS sounds like JUST what i need. Freaky, the timing, isn't it?
I could do Carlene's 6 week program....to learn to moderate AND lose weight once and for all...in a controlled supportive atmosphere with others..... I could do it!
Or I could dedicate the next 6 weeks to an 80-10-10 program of my own. That's an idea. I could ask other women at Arnolds Way to join me and we'll do a little 'cleanse'. I've done this before, twice, had at least 3 women in each class, and it's been incredibly motivating for me to do this with other women. The women learned one method of losing weight via raw food and i confirmed 80-10-10's ability to produce fast, steady weight loss.
The problem was when i went OFF.
OR>>>> i can keep doing what i'm doing. I've been able to maintain a 7-8 pound gain. If i eat like i've been eating at Arnolds Way everyday, it's possible i could just maintain this weight indefinitely.
Heck, that's kind of cool in a way. Eat a lot. Eat nut spread. Eat raw bread. I get to eat chocolate bars, mock toona, whips. I just need to do some disciplined eating:Smoothies, salt free chopped salads, some watching of the fat.
MUST KEEPING WALKING DAILY as i have been. Have been LOVING that.
But, i do have that yeast infection from too much fat.
And i am so bloated from the salt.
I don't know what to do.
My desires are so conflicted. I'd like to enjoy fattening salty food, AND lose the bloat AND lose weight, like overnight. Jesus. How does it feel to me? EXASPERATION CENTRAL!!!
It's either Carlene's program, i stay on my own and see where it leads me, or i go on an 80-10-1o or Juice feast.
EDGING CLOSER TOWARD ANSWERS
After 4 days of working and seeing what i can do...what i can 'get away with'...what happens, what i desire when i'm at work eating gourmet, i just don't see much hope for my brand of moderating if i want to LOSE.
I also have pretty bad reflux laryngitis from the nuts. Even with the betain HCL. And i have to sing on Monday. That's a serious consideration.
Gaining 7.5 lbs may not be all that terrible, but it's not fun. I looked at myself in the mirror at the Salvation Army this morning, and i didn't recognize my face from the LAST time i looked at myself in the mirror there. 7.5 pounds does make a difference. I LIKE the way my face looks when it's not bloated. I LIKE to look at myself in the mirror and realize i'm pretty and look good. I LIKE that.
A walk will provide clarity.
- BR: 1/2 medium watermelon
- ACTIVITY: Well over 1 hour walk all the way around Manayunk, awesome, like the old days at the raw retreat. SO FREEING. What a gorgeous day and what a WONDERFUL feeling to be so free and mobile.
- BRUNCH: 1/2 Vitamix of saltfree, medium fat gourmet shake (1 cup strawberries, 4 or 5 bananas, cacao, vanilla, 1 heaping tsp of almond butter, 4 heaping tsp of coconut flakes, 1 good squirt agave, water. GOD WAS THAT GOOD. You want to hear something exciting? I stopped after 2 glasses because my taste buds turned off and it no longer tasted as good. that meant that i was satiated. i'm learning to listen to ME!
- LUNCH: 3pm - salad of 1.5 heads of romaine, 1/2 pack of cherry tomatoes, 1 clove garlic chopped thin, 1/3 avocado mashed in water to create 'dressing', 2 Tbsp nutritional yeast, cumin, juice of 1 lime, 1 Tbsp apple cider vinegar. Not delicious.
- DESSERT: 3:30 pm - Cliff drank a big glass of my left over shake from this morning, so i just had what was leftover. About 1/2 glass cacao strawberry smoothie. yummmmo.
i think i'm being moderate. i didn't really DECIDE what i was going to do today, i just tried to 'listen in' and address what i needed/wanted. I ended up eating so far no salt, moderate fat. it feels right today. maybe 80-10-10 is like a 'diet' and i just don't feel like dieting right now after being 'freed' more at arnolds way from binge eating with my moderation attempt. maybe struggling through moderation IS the answer. And to keep walking.
- 6:30pm DINNER: Blueberry/banana/coconut smoothie: 1 lg. pack of blueberries, 4 bananas, water, 3 Tbsp coconut flakes. yum. hungry!
- ACTIVITY: Cleaned like an insane person. No, actually, like a SANE person!!! We have company coming from Ohio. Cliff and I are amazing slobs/pack rats, plus we're filfthy. :-))) (My parents AND his parents were all NEAT FREAKS...and, well, we both never inherited those genes, unfortunately.) I really hope that as I get more in touch and in tune, we'll continue to revovate our 100 year old house and begin to live the life we always imagined we'd live.
- SNACK: most of 1/2 medium watermelon. yummy. exhausted!!!!
- hungry! SNACK: leftover salad, 1/5th of an avocado mashed, lemon juice; celery sticks with raw almond butter, 2 heaping tsps. OH MY, YUMMMMMM!
just trying to 'listen'. i think i did a LOT of physical exertion today and was very hungry! i feel very good about the day. it was a salt free day, not a fat free day, but for me? i'm happy. i'm good. THIS is MODERATION. Maybe a little high in fat? But, i'm happy.