Listening...!

Good morning, Chickadees,

MORE LETTERS COMING SOON!
I'll be sharing some more letters from women in the next few days. They are so awesome. There are so many of us out there, women struggling with raw food, struggling with gourmet, with 80-10-10.

Remember, if you email me, be sure to give me your approval to have your letters reprinted here in the blog, ok?

3.5 lbs DOWN IN ONE DAY!
Good News :-)) Really happy at unofficial weigh in this morning. I'm 3.5 pounds less than yesterday. I was 257.5 yesterday, and the day before, but after a salt free day with exercise and moderate fat, i'm 254 this morning. Very satisfied.

DISCIPLINE + MODERATION = SUCCESS
Yesterday was ripe with possibilities, i didn't know how i was going to handle the day 'diet-wise', but i just decided to LISTEN to myself and my desires while apply SOME common sense discipline for MY issues -abstaining from salt to address my bloating, trying to eat lower fat for weight loss, exercising for weight loss and health. I also listen in intently on my HUNGER. I rarely talk about that, but it's a HUGE focus.

I ended up having an excellent food day. No binge eating. I ate lots of fruit, 2 salads, moderate fat.

The discipline also played a part in continuing to walk daily. I had an amazing walk. It was so gorgeous out.

Plus, because of our company, I cleaned like a freak. That's a discipline, too, that i neglect amazingly often. I RARELY CLEAN. So, yesterday's cleaning not only FELT great, it LOOKS great around here and it FEELS great to look around and see a cleaner, happier house.

The SHOP VAC is my new best friend!!!!!! I used Cliff's SHOP VAC to clean our wood floors (dust-bunnies galore) and to clean the steps, and to dust. AMAZING!!!!!!!!! I will never use another appliance again! With the SHOP VAC, cleaning became fun because it was so EASY! I am going to go NUTS around here sucking dirt up. INCREDIBLE!! Cleaning is NOT so bad when you have equipment that actually sucks the dirt up and just doesn't spread it around.

Discipline is NOT overrated.

DISCIPLINE softened with GENTLENESS
In the food realm, sometimes, though, i can be SO black and white, not allowing myself even a little of what i want (fat/salt) that i BINGE. That's TOO much discipline.

It's almost like a little kid in me says, "Mom, can i have a little something?" But Mommy is an army drill sargeant and yells at me, "NO, YOU FAT BITCH, YOU CANNOT!!" The little kid runs away and heads RIGHT for the fridge to shove it in while the gettin's good.

In listening to myself, to what i want, i'm finding that i CAN be trusted to just have a little. Last night I had 2 tsp of almond butter. Sinfully delicious. I was actually a little trepadacious opening the cap and digging the spoon in. But, i took a serving, sat down, and in savoring and being in touch, i realized my tastebuds turned off after 2 tsp. I had HAD ENOUGH. Wow! That was an amazing experience.

In listening in, i can hear better when to STOP
In a binge, it's a "GRAB ALL YOU CAN GET NOW BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER GETTING IT AGAIN, YOU FAT PIG!!!" Messages to STOP are overcome by PURE DESIRE.

In listening, desire is heard, it's acknowledged, it's considered calmly, quietly, it's measured and weighed, it's ultimately answered.

The little child within says, "Thanks, Mom. That was SO good. That's all i needed."

Since i no longer want to binge, i HAVE to be more moderate. And it's WORKING!!!

And what's moderate one day, may NOT be moderate the next. At Arnolds Way, i have found it necessary to eat a little heavier to ward off binges. At home, i'm more able to cut back. But should i desire something heavier, i'm giving myself permission. That way, i'm permitted, the pressure is off, i can take it or i can leave it.

A BIG new word in my head is CHOOSE.

The BIG word for binge eating is CONTROL. Intense control is answered with intense lack of control in the form of a binge.

In CHOOSING, listening, the control is there, but....quiet, flexible, not so black and white, but more moderate.

So, yesterday was a really, really, really, REALLY (did i say really?) really GOOD productive day and a great moderate-great listening-great choices-food day.

NONI JUICE
I keep forgetting to mention that i've been drinking raw Noni juice 1x/day. I'd bought it at the Raw Union Wedding Festival and brought it home.

Raw Noni Juice tastes like drinking vomit, but i think it's making me feel good and energetic!

I spoke with my coworker, Susan, who actually IS a Noni juice representative susanaman@comcast.net and she suggested drinking it up to 4x a day. I think yesterday i had 3 or so swigs, straight from the bottle.

The flavor is grotesque, but dissipates after a few seconds and never comes up on me. Plus, i was told Noni Juice was RIPE with nutrients and minerals that should make my hair grow. For this balding lady raw foodist, that's ALL I had to hear.

SALE!!! Ka-ching!

MOTORCYCLE TRIP
Cliff's best friend, Ken, stayed over last night. He flew in from Ohio to buy Cliff's old Mottoguzzi motorcycle.

Cliff and Ken are riding motorcycles together back to OHIO from Philadelphia!!! Then Cliff is driving back to Philly all ALONE on his motorcycle.

Please pray for safe travels. I will miss my Cliffy and pray also that he and Ken will be safe and that he will make it home all in one peice. xoxoxo

LISTENING TO ME
I'm surprisingly at peace this morning. AMAZING. No mental diarreah happening today, no trying to figure out what i'm going to do today. No weighing my options. No battling out which direction to go in. I know what i'm going to do today. I'M GOING TO LISTEN. TO ME.

Haha, isn't that AMAZING???????

It's rather novel, actually. I have spent SO LONG listening to everyone else, my mother, my father, my teachers, my diets, my gurus, Doug Graham, Carlene, Victoria Boutenko, Arnold, this one, that one.

And then I always binge.

If i just listen to ME, i don't have to rebel, i don't have to binge. Because what i chose to eat will be RIGHT for ME for TODAY. Pretty freakin' cool.

REALITY CHECKS ASSUAGE THE FEAR
I could see how that could be really really scary for some people. But, i'm here to say that i never imagined i could do it, but, it's a process, and i really think i'm getting better at it. I think one falls down alot and picks oneself up alot and reviews and evaluates alot and NOTHING is EVER as bad as we really imagine it will be, i've found. I don't gain 50 lbs overnight just because i FEEL heavy and bloated. It's a DISORDER. And we need a lot of REALITY checks along the way.

Reality checks have been FREQUENT and pleasantly enlightening and incredibly uplifting. This blog has served a HUGE purpose. I look back and see, 'heck, i didn't even EAT that much...no wonder i didn't gain 50 lbs!" I FELT huge though. But, i'm NOT.

CONTROL
I think there is a lot of FEAR around food and self control.

Self control. Self control.

Have all of us BINGE EATERS been severely CONTROLLED by others????

I know I was. I adore my mother, she was only doing her best, but she was massively controlling of my food. She used to HIDE food all over the house so i wouldn't eat it. What do you think i did? I tore the house apart and ate it all up. So, she hid it again and i ate it all up. And i was shamed. And i was only allowed diet food because i was fat. And i was sent to diet camp every summer. And i learned to diet. And then i learned to come home and binge. And it never ended.

Until now.

I've never even considered i had self control. I never use that word.

Raw has helped me stop binging on cooked food and fast food, but i never viewed my ability to stay raw as self control. It was more an issue of SELF CARE. I had gotten so heavy, so bad (425 lbs). i could barely wipe my own behind anymore. I could barely walk. When things get THAT bad, you need to make a change. I did, and that was IT. I'd reached my bottom.

Now, with making peace with gourmet and stopping binge eating, my vocabulary has changed to CHOICES and LISTENING.

It worked yesterday. Amazing walk. Over 3 lb loss in one day. Nearer and nearer to 250.

MY NEW GOAL - MAINTENANCE
So, I'm NOT on heavy duty weight loss mode right now. I'm just trying to maintain 250-ish for a while. I'm quitting the binge eating. I'm making peace with the WIDE DIVIDE separating gourmet raw and 80-10-10. I'm learning to listen. I'm learning to address my needs. I'm being disciplined in some ways, like walking daily. I'm being permissive in some ways, like eating more fat than 80-10-10 allows. And even heavier and saltier foods when i work, so i just DONT BINGE.

I'm being MODERATE!!!!

This was long fought after, but i actually think it's becoming a reality. If i can learn to stay 250ish for a good long while, then i can go onto losing more and never fear binging again.

LESSON IN LISTENING
On the topic of LISTENING, please please please visit my friend SHAWNA MORRIS'S amazing- intuitive-LESSON IN LISTENING-renewed rawfood committment-rawfood mothering-blog. She is becoming an expert at listening to herself (and her wonderful mostly raw hubby and son) and addressing her (and their) needs.

Please visit Shawna's blog "My Daily Rind" at http://www.mydailyrind.com/

Below is an excerpt from her latest posting. She is a 'heart centered', intuitive, highly communicative, in touch, smart as a whip, loving, witty, outrageously talented lady. Shawna is a singer that rivals ANY PROFESSIONAL i have ever heard, what an outstandingly gorgoues voice and singing technique and spirit! She is also doing an AWESOME job blogging, parenting, wifeing, working, healing, and sharing her heart and her experience with others in such a beautiful way. Shawna would like to open up a raw food restaurant in Grants Pass, and you know what? I KNOW she will accomplish it. WAY TO GO "SHAWNASONG"!

"A Healing Interaction at the Grocery Store" by Shawna Morris http://www.mydailyrind.com/
So there I was in the grocery store in Bellingham, WA last week minding my own business, picking out a gorgeous head of Russian kale. A woman walked up to me and asked me “What do you do with that kale? I have it coming up in my garden, but don’t know what to do with it.”

I shared that I was buying it to make kale chips in my dehydrator, but that usually I use it in green smoothies. She was intrigued and had more questions. We started talking for a very long time. She revealed that she had actually been to a raw food preparation class (taught by a woman named Shauna!), but hadn’t really started doing it for herself. As the soulful talk continued, spirit took over. She became tearful because she knew that she wasn’t living the life she is meant to live. She is overweight and obviously unhappy. She doesn’t have any health conditions yet, but is setting herself up for them. I embraced her and told her that her inner knowing is calling her home.

You see, when we are ready, spirit guides us to people and experiences that will innocently touch our hearts and propel us forward. Living a heart-centered life means that we are open to this flow. We welcome it.

That beautiful woman gave me a gift that day too. It is always mutual. By sharing my truth with her, I got to reaffirm my commitment to my path. I really give thanks to her and to spirit for always having a guiding hand in all of our simplest actions.

After all, I was only buying kale.

Much love. Keep those letters coming. You make this all so meaningful for me.

HUNGRY!!!!
Now that my Honey and Ken have left for their trip, i am thinking about what i'm going to eat because i'm HUNGRY!!! I've been up since 5a.m. (had some smoothies), but i'm HUNGRY!!! It's 8:30a.m. and i'm ready for LUNCH!

Hmmmmm.....wondering if Oasis Raw Cuisine is open today....

(That's really what i'd like... but i also have to call on my head (what i know). I have to sing tomorrow and will be at Arnolds Way tomorrow anyway, where i can get gourmet with salt galore.)

Listening to myself is good, great, awesome, but there are lots of voices to listen to: Conscience, Intuition, Wisdom, Knowledge, Heart, Head, Desires, Hunger, Stomach, Tounge, Eyes, etc... It's a complex job, but somebody's gotta do it!!!

Awwwwwwww....OASIS IS CLOSED TODAY...anyway!!! http://www.oasis-pa.com/ You want some AWESOME raw chocolate? I don't think ANYBODY does it BETTER than Oasis!!!!! They ship all over the country.

FOOD/ACTIVITY
BR: 2 glasses blueberry smoothie (the vitamix produced 3): 1 large pack blueberries, 4 bananas, agave

SN: hungry 11:30a.m. - 2 peaches. A CHOCOLATE thick shake, eaten out of a bowl with a big fat spoon, heaven!!!! (4 frozen bananas, a little water, agave, vanilla, coconut flakes, cacao)

Wanted something special...so dehydrated a special eggplant dish for a
treat! See below!!! See...i didn't NEED "Oasis"!!

SN: hungry! handfuls of grapes in the car after shopping

LN: 1 fresh jersey tomato, sliced & homemade "pesto eggplant" (1 whole dehydrated eggplant, cut into about 10 rounds, coated in a blenderized pesto mixture - fresh basil, 1 clove garlic, a little water, oregano, 1 heaping Tbsp raw cashew butter, red pepper flakes) tasty, salt free, low fat. probably could have dehydrated a little longer. would have been mind blowing with more garlic, tons of olive oil, salt and nutritional yeast. I forgot to coat the wet pesto covered rounds in yeast...i think THAT would have been....mmmmm! the greasier raw eggplant is, the better it is dehydrated, unfortunately!

DN: a few bites of leftover watermelon, 2 corns, over a lb of red bing cherries. yum.

ACTIVITY: nap and then a 40 mins walk

SN: thirsty! 1/4 small watermelon

SN: "vanilla icecream": 3 frozen bananas, vanilla, 1 level tsp almond butter blenderized. wow.

OXOXOXOX michelle joy