Awarenesses...

FOOD / ACTIVITY for Friday, July 24th

Snack: 3 peaches

Walk: 1 hour walk

Breakfast: the most awesome Green Smoothie, now my new favorite (peach, banana, vanilla, spinach, agave, water, ice) STARVING!!!

Lunch: STARVING!!!! Arnolds Way "Cheezesteak" with shoyu-free cashew sauce, an an extra raw 'steak' burger (2 slices bread[carrot, flax, buckwheat, olive oil, celtic salt], 2 steak burgers [dehydrated beet, apple, zucchini, carrot, cashew], lots of veggies chopped on top [mushroom, tomato, carrot, onion], tomato sauce [tomato, garlic, s.d. tomato, red pepper, herbs and spices and seasoning], white sauce, my own [sunflower seeds, cashew, celtic salt]

Snack: Peach/Banana smoothie with hemp and spirulina, supersize, yum.

Dinner: Large banana whip with cashew, coconut and cacao [about 4 frozen bananas, 2 oz cashew, 2 Tbsp coconut, 1 tbsp cacao]

Snack: 3 oz raw flax carrot/corn chips

Snack: 1/2 honeydew melon

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Good morning, folks,

There's my food from yesterday.

Cliffy is out on his ride.

We just shared a green smoothie together, the awesome peach/vanilla recipe from above. Make this, you won't regret it. DELISH!!!

I weigh 255 this morning. I am very pleased with this weight. I see it as progress. The highest weigh i was for a work week was 258. That means i'm making progress.

As a matter of fact, I feel i am making great progress.

Here is what i wrote last night, after i got home from work:

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Today was another GREAT food day as far as binge eating goes. There was none. NONE. There were no impulses to binge. It's as if the disorder......has absolutely....vanished. It's quite amazing.

Today was a work day. Many people at work are doing 80-10-10, so my food behavior, eating 'cheezesteaks' out in the open...is causing some questioning, some concern among 80-10-10 raw foodists who knew i was 80-10-10ing.

I'm so OUT THERE...i'm causing a stir!!!!!!

But, I truly and deeply believe wholeheartedly that what i'm doing is a crucial part of my process, of my journey (because IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE IN CONTROL....I CANNOT EVEN EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW IMPORTANT THIS PROCESS FEELS TO ME BECAUSE I FEEL SO SO SO SO MUCH BETTER), so i explained when confronted (about what looks like my lack of desire for continued weight loss and my apparent ingestion of 'so many nuts')....that:

"I'm holding my own, really. I'm doing well. But, i'm not really focusing on losing weight right now. I have a binge eating problem and before when i was strictly on 80-10-10, when i'd go off, i couldn't control myself. So, now i'm being more moderate in my choices in an effort to eradicate binge eating, and it's really working."

As where i work is all about food and focused on food as healing, I know people are just concerned for me. The concern can feel like unwelcome intrusions into my private food life, but i see it as based in concern, i really do. I understand. I can 'see' their point of view.

I also explained that in actuality, i'm eating LESS now than i used to, but that I used to hide when i was binge-eating, so no one really knew it. Now i'm out in the open. And in reality, what looks like i'm eating more, is really so very much LESS.

When i look at my food from yesterday it is SO different, so radically different from the way i used to eat at work out of control. I can't even believe it's me, the same person. It is THAT radical.

Being so thrilled about this, it's odd/interesting to encounter confrontation about my diet just as i feel like i'm really making some extremely important progress. But i suppose to the outsider it is just not apparent the success i'm having/feeling. It's much more of an internal process about my private relationship with food. People see me as failing, as an 80-10-10 failure. And i suppose i am, but that's okay with me. It stings, but i have to make peace with the fact that others may believe i'm failing. Maybe i am, but i haven't felt this at peace with food in over a year and a half, at least. That is SO important to me. To feel at peace.

It's a process and i can view Graham's ideal of 80-10-10 as a goal should i desire. And it's a goal i acheive on many days at home. But overall, in terms of my control of food, i am doing friggin' fabulously. No one really knows this because they never saw me eat at work in public.

And I hadn't really expected to encounter confrontation. But, I think i spoke my truth and really do feel super confident about this 'legalization' process, but it just wasn't expected.

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What's also been unexpected on this journey is my often negative attitude and my sometimes, often, negative way of expressing myself and the confrontation i've received for that.

I think i'm not as nice as i was when i was binge eating. Since i'm not 'stuffing my feelings' they kind of come OUT. I'm expressive by nature, in case you hadn't figured that out, haha [i have double expressive drives in my numerology, in fact, expression is my PURPOSE], but maybe the things i say, they hurt people. I hope i'm not abusive. I'm not a raging bitch, either, i just get irritable and let people know it. And i feel badly about that, really badly, because i don't mean to hurt anyone, i'm just fumbling my way through expressing my often not-happy feelings.

I'm also not really used to p.o.ing people and have found myself doing that more and more. That really feels crappy because at heart, i love to please people and make them happy, not irritated with me or upset with me.

I suppose these are all opportunities for self-growth, for self-improvement.

I feel pretty crappy about ME today for a few things i said and did and how i cope under pressure.

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What's interesting in terms of the eating disorder, is I used to be upset and obsessed with food. Now, i'm upset with an issue. Upset with me. Now, the issues are revealing themselves...'things' are being exposed... It just suddenly became NOT about just food and complaining about how i can't control myself. I am controlling my food. Now i need to learn to control ME better....

To feel truly badly about ME....kind of stinks, but is progress in a way. And i suppose it's a trade off. Give up feeling badly about what you eat, for feeling badly about what's eating you.

That's a big part of this eating disorder. The focus goes ALL onto the FOOD. When really there are huge ISSUES nobody's looking at. Take away the obsessive focus on food and bam, you have to deal with life.

Well, so, issues are kinda coming out...into the open...not too flattering, and well, it's not all that comfortable.

But, all of these uncomfortable lessons in life are all opportunities for us to improve as human beings.

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I also have two business appointments coming up, both raw cooking jobs, that are also exposing my issues. One with standing up for myself and not allowing myself to be intimidated, the other with stating my opinion in non-hurtful, non-disagreeable ways. [As my spiritual guru Roy Masters says, "You can always disagree, without being disagreeable." I still need to learn better how to do this.] Not allowing myself to be intimidated, but to stand up for what i really believe in is also a big issue.

Life can be tough. The more we grow, the more we have to grow. Uy.

These are all powerful events happening, and powerful awarenesses I'm getting. Just funny it's all happening amidst very controlled eating. Just curious. Interesting.

Do you think maybe in enjoying food and opening myself up to experiencing more pleasure in life [by not binge eating, by walking], that i've opened a door to more experience in LIFE...????

Seems to be.

And I suppose these awarenesses we get and these challenging experiences are all part of the journey to becoming the person God wants me to be. People go through conflict to become BETTER people. It's not always pleasant, but always an opportunity.

In avoiding conflict, i've stuffed my feelings.

Letting my feelings out is not fun and hurts people, but in a sick, twisted way, it's healthier.

It's kind of like how this eating nuts is actually healthier than what i was doing before which looked healthier, but wasn't. Nobody saw the really sick part. Nobody saw the really dark side of my life with 80-10-10. Now I'm exposing some of the 'darkness', i'm looking at it, they're looking at it. It doesn't look that good, but it's out in the open. I've been wracking my brain for a word that came to me last night.

INTEGRATION. It's pretty courageous to follow such a journey as this. To attempt to integrate, join, comingle TWO very distinctly different parts of myself: the glutton...with the saint.

And in integrating, I learn to accept my imperfections and where i'm at in my journey. It may not be where i WANT to be, but it's BETTER than where i was.

And even though i feel badly for hurting people, and badly for being confronted for my what looks like DISINTIGRATING DESTRUCTIVE EATING HABITS [when they're actually 5,000x better than theyve been in 2 years] i feel strangely GOOD, AUTHENTIC for feeling bad, for eating 'badly'. I'm actually very ME. And ME...is NOT THAT PERFECT.

On 80-10-10, i was perfect. In binge eating, i probably ACTED perfectly, held everything in, stuffed my feelings and was kind to everyone, didn't offend anyway, stuffed everything. Now it's all gurgling out. It looks worse, but it's actually healthier.

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I followed the F.H.U. meditation for so many years. That's Roy Masters 'The Foundation of Human Understanding." http://www.fhu.com/. In many ways, this blog has been similar to meditation. It is a daily deep and very personal CONTEMPLATION of my life, the events in it, my behaviors. If i began the meditation again in conjuction with the blogging, i think i may be able to soften my often negative reactions to life and cope better. That will be a pretty awesome combination. I also need to work the Secret more. It's being brought to my attention repeatedly how negative i can be. I really need to focus on what i WANT and not what i'm afraid of.

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Cliff and I saw Sascha Baron Cohen's Bruno tonight. Riotous. Also should have been rated X! Absolutely shocking. I had no idea that an "R" rated movie would allow dancing penises, sodomy, dildos, real sex, total nudity. I think Cohen is brilliant as an actor, as a satirist, as a character actor, and at extreme provocation and shock, obviously!!!! I laughed alot and covered my face alot in embarrassment, squirming. Did you see Borat? Baron Cohen is so amazing an actor. He waxed his whole body for this role, for Bruno, i think. I think he's naturally hairy like Borat. Bruno is not as loveable a character as Borat. What made Borat so appealing was his innocent charm. Bruno is anything but innocent!

The movie makes me think philosophically.

I think perhaps the more a person is authentically themselves, they more they open themselves to criticism. It's a harsh reality, but one that comes with the territory.

Baron Cohen, in doing Bruno, is expressing his artistry with a lot of provocation. And in doing so, i think he'll get a lot of criticsm.

And in the movie, he is quite critical of many things/people.

And the more a person is critical and confrontational of others, the more they allow and invite that criticism and confrontation back onto themselves.

No doubt Baron Cohen will receive a lot of criticsm for this movie as he poked his finger at alot of people.

Just as i am being more confrontational, and receiving more back in turn.

I think it's an energy exchange. The more you give, the more you get.

In turn, the more LOVE you give, the more you get. If i can learn to 'disagree without being disagreeable,' i get to express myself...without hurting others. This is what i want.

Also, the more you hide, the less people bother you.

It's actually a GIFT to have people in your face, asking you to grow.

It doesn't feel good, but it's a gift.

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Perhaps i have some apologies to make.

And maybe some day, i'll be wise and kind enough to achieve pure raw joy. I really want to. That's what this blog is suppossed to be all about. I really want to be one of those amazing raw foodists who overcome not only their weight or food issues, but who overcome their personality issues and blossom into WORKERS FOR GOOD. The Kabbalah says we are vessels through which God can do his work. I'm lacking so much spirituality in my life. I think it will help if i got more connected.

Nevertheless, I really am doing my best. I'm just a flawed human being...trying to improve her life, and, well, it ain't always painless...to me...or to others.

xoxo michelle joy.