MY DAY AT WORK SHOWS IMPROVEMENT
MY INTUITION...SPOKE TO ME...AND THIS IS WHAT IT SAID!
Okay, so....on my way to work in the car today, i was dreaming about what raw gourmet meal i was going to have today...and i wanted one THEN...like i couldn't WAIT....and then it dawned on me, why do i have to just have one? I said to myself:
"Heck, if i've been eating the equivalent of 5-6 entire meals in one BINGE, then why am i now only allowing myself ONE meal of gourmet TOTAL ALL DAY, when what i want is 5 or 6? Why can't i eat, say, 3, for example, calmly, savoring the food, and just aim to eat LESS gourmet OVERALL? I obviously want MORE than ONE."
Honest to God, i have NO idea if what i was contemplating to do was even a GOOD or BENEFICIAL idea, but on my way into work, craving something gourmet already at 10 o'clock in the morning, and unable to choose between 2 or 3 things i wanted, it made sense to me. If i had a FEW gourmet meals, it would PROBABLY be LESS than the 5-6 meals i've been hysterically ingesting in the heat of a secret binge all in a row.
HOW THE DAY PLAYED OUT - TRYING TO LISTEN TO MY HUNGER...AND JUST EAT WHAT I WANTED...AS LONG AS IT WAS A "MEAL"!
Before work, i had taken a 40 mins walk, yay, i felt good and positive and not depressed, rather dare i say, a bit 'liberated'??? After walking i had 3 glasses of lemon water and 2 swigs of raw noni juice.
When I got to work, i was hungry. And i wanted "lunch" right away. So, listening to myself, "lunch" is what i had. I made myself a few nori wraps with some avocado and a little celtic salt. I enjoyed them seated. Yay. Mission accomplished. No nagging binge thoughts. I was at peace. Wow.
I vowed that i would eat MEALS today, no matter what they contained, and that i would not worry about how fatty or salty they were. i would only vow to eat them seated and enjoy them.
That was alot easier in some ways than i thought it would be, but later in the day harder. I'll explain later.
Anyway, some time soon, i realized i was hungry again and had a small banana whip and a half, which did the trick and i was no longer hungry. I was thirsty alot and drank a lot of water and a few coconut waters.
I wasn't hungry again until dinner time, when i craved greens, so i made myself a big salad and realized i didn't even 'want' a gourmet dressing, and just fixed my traditional '80-10-10 salad' with no salt, 1 tbsp of raw tahini mixed with a little water, lemon juice, garlic and tons of greens and chopped veggies. It was good. I enjoyed it.
I expected that to satiate me for a while, but was hungry 45 mins later, which really perplexed me. On fruit i never question my hunger. On 'gourmet', i constantly doubt it, fear it, can't imagine i could be hungry. Now that i write this, i see i hadn't eaten much for hours and that i was working all day and was no doubt hungry after a salad containing only a little fat. I think learning how to listen and respond to myself even if it doesn't 'make sense' is going to be freeing.
So, to answer my hunger, I decided to eat what i 'wanted' instead of what was good for me and had 5 oz of nutspread on 2 slices of bread. It sounds less intimidating in black and white than it felt. i really felt like i was doing a bad thing, but kept telling myself, that since i was seated, and enjoying it, at least it was no longer a SECRET, or a BINGE, it was just a meal. Maybe a heavy meal. But it was a meal. And THAT was a HUGE improvement.
The problem came at 7:30pm when i felt hungry again and believed it could not be true that i could be physiologically hungry like 2 hours later after just having eaten all of that nutspread, but...alas, i was. I had worked a 10 hour day, been up since a little after 5 a.m., and i was hungry.
As i am not used to this 'trusting' myself, 'trusting' my hunger, i 'snuck' ate 2 slices of raw bread with white sauce (cashew/sunflower/nama shoyu).
The third peice i 'came out of the closet' and had it with white sauce and tomatoes, eaten seated and enjoyed it very much.
GOURMET MEALS INSTEAD OF A GOURMET BINGE, A NEW EXPERIENCE!!!
This was all a new experience for me, having MEALS instead of a a BINGE. I liked the way it felt. i felt NORMAL.
Yes, I ate heavy meals. Lighter meals are best for weight loss, but i'm kind of in a phase now of trying to just STOP binge eating. If 'legalizing' gourmet food will take the intense CHARGE out of it for me and reduce or eliminate binge eating, then i think i'm on the right track. Ultimately, i will lose more if i don't binge, than if i eat like a bird only to explode in out of control binges whenever i touch gourmet.
HEAVIER FOOD/LIGHTER FOOD
Over the next few days at home, i do hope to eat lighter. Home has not been much of an issue for me as of late in the binge eating department. Rather, it has all centered around work. Work in a busy raw kitchen. But, hopefully, at home the next few days i can kind of lighen up, return to lots of fruit and greens and clean out.
KITCHEN WORK CHALLENGING FOR A FOOD ADDICT
Fairburn's book suggests if we have a binge eating disorder, we might want to CHANGE JOBS if we work in a kitchen. Do alcoholics do best running a bar?? Then a food addict would do best NOT to keep herself in a place where she is being constantly bombarded by her drug.
For now, though, this is where i'm at and i'm working to improve my reaction to being there.
WEIGHT GAIN FEARS
And we'll see where this 'legalizing' takes me.
One thing for sure, i refuse to gain significant amounts of weight. I'm going to keep weighing myself every so often to kind of get a sense of how this is all playing out, I'm going to continue walking, i'm going to pull back when i can and eat lighter when i can.
*note: This morning, after i noted that i gained nearly 6 pounds, i ended up having a 2nd b.m. and gained only 4.5.
After today, i don't know what my weight will be tomorrow. I'm a little scared. But, I am liking only 'officially' weighing in once a week as i don't have to keep demoralizing myself by switching my 'total lost' all of the time. It takes a good deal of the pressure off. I am hoping, however, that i have not put on even more weight.
Nevertheless, what's done is done and tomorrow we'll deal with tomorrow.
EXCITEMENT OVER PROGRESS
The important thing about TODAY was that i ate MEALS. And guilt did not hound me too badly. And i felt good about being able to almost completely STOP BINGE EATING at work.
Today was maybe one of the first days where i wasn't all the way on the one extreme doing 80-10-10 perfectly, nor all the way to the other extreme binge eating 6 meals in a row in secret, but somewhere in the middle. yippee. i think that's improvement.
I'm excited about it.
MEANS TO AN END
Naturally, i'm not too thrilled to feel bloated and gassy from nuts/raw bread. And i'm not thrilled to have reflux in the larynx, my delicated vocal cords, and i'm not thrilled to gain weight, but i think this is all a MEANS TO AN END.
It's unfortunate the things i LIKE and binge on....don't like ME very much...but i'm hoping the more IN TUNE i become, the more i will be able to make BETTER CHOICES for my meals.
It's a process, but i feel as if i've started something good and worthwhile today.
FOOD /ACTIVITY - i had 5 meals total today, mostly eaten sitting down and enjoyed, not 'binge eaten'. that is enormous improvement. the last 2 days at work i had 5-6 meals as a BINGE, plus other meals throughout the day. Today i only had 5 meals, total! Wow!!! Uy, wish me luck not gaining too much...and with getting in lighter fare while i'm home the next few days....until i work again on tuesday.
- BREAKFAST:3 glasses lemon water, 2 shots noni juice
- WALK: 40 mins
- WORK: at work from 10a.m. to 8pm, a 10 hour day!
- EARLY LUNCH: 10:30 a.m. 2 nori wraps (2/3 of an avocado pulse chopped with s blade in cuisinart with assorted veggies (tomato, red pepper, zucchini, carrot, garlic, spinach, mushroom, celery, onion) wrapped in 2 nori wraps.
- LIQUID: 4 glasses lemon water, 1 pm - 2 coconut waters
- SNACK: 2pm - 1.5 small carob whips
- DINNER: 5pm - Large salad of spring mix, chopped veggies, 1/2 lemons juice, 2 tbsp nutritional yeast, 1 clove garlic chopped, 1 tbsp tahini mixed in a little water as dressing. pretty good.
- SNACK: 5:45p.m. - 2 slices raw bread with 5 oz of maya's garlic onion cashew/almond spread. yum. worrysome about the salt and the bloating, but tried to be ok with it.
- SNACK: 7:30p.m. - 3 slices raw bread with white sauce and veggies
xoxo michelle joy