That's how i feel today.
I woke up early this morning... Cliffy is sleeping soundly upstairs, and i'm in our living room downstairs, which by the way, is looking so pretty. Ahhh, it just feels so good to look at pretty things! (We've got 'new' old furniture care of the Salvation Army and Impact Thrift: 3 beautiful antique chairs in excellent condition, crystal lamps with victorian shades, a gorgeous big fluffy feather-stuffed sofa, like new. It's so pretty and functional in here!)
But, most of all, I'm excited to report that things are radically better with the food at work! YES! I have to keep reminding myself of what my good friend, Shawna17070 said about being rejected from 'Sight and Sound':
"I just had another thought. You are making such amazing progress overcoming your binge eating. You are becoming empowered to understand and control your binge impulses. Look at your accomplishment and growth at work yesterday! Wow! God is working on something greater. . .I believe this. . .if you moved to Lancaster you may not have been able to work on recovering from this binge disorder in the same ways you are currently. . .and currently you are on a great path of understanding and healing! We never understand why the cosmos has us where we are!"
Yesterday at work i was actually amazed at the complete change there is in my entire relationship with food. If i had any doubt that Christopher Fairburns book, "Overcoming Binge Eating" worked, it certainly has dissappeared. If you would have asked me this a few weeks ago if i REALLY thought this was going to work, i would have said, 'NO!!!' But, i honestly believe this 'legalization' thing, as 'wrong' as it sounds, actually DOES eliminate binge eating. Pretty awesome.
In allowing oneself 'bad' foods (i must qualify that i am doing Fairburn's book with ONLY RAW FOOD, not COOKED), the emotional 'charge' of former binge foods is....eliminated. For any binge eaters out there, you KNOW what i'm talking about about how charged binge foods are. To have them lose their charge...is FREAKY...amazingly FREAKY!!!
As i am free to pick and choose what i want, suddenly not EVERYTHING seems so desirable anymore!!! Alone in the store yesterday for 1/2 an hour, it would have been a perfect opportunity to start snacking. And usually, alone, this is what i'd do: i'd start snacking...on kale chips, or raw bread, not just snacking, compulsive, obsessive, out of control snacking. The kind where you don't even WANT it, but you can't STOP yourself. Well, yesterday, I didn't even WANT it and i had ZERO drive to go and get it. Why should i? I allow myself to actually ENJOY it now...as a meal!!! It felt....amazing.
And...during the day, i felt calm around the 'fattier' raw food i was preparing myself. I ate delicious heavy meals, not a real source of pride for an 80-10-10-er, but the fact that i could enjoy them, not have it escalate into a binge...and STILL weigh in the 250's...is amazing to me.
Eating heavier nuttier, fattier foods as meals at work, i see now as a necessary step in my journey, a part of the process to closing the door for good on binge eating.
If out of control binge eating is a part of 80-10-10 in my world, then i don't see a fulltime diet of 80-10-10 as healthy for me right now. What good is it if i undo all of my progress by feeling and getting out of control with 'off program' food the minute i eat it?
The problem with out of control eating....is that i can NEVER be certain i CAN or WILL regain control. Before I started this blog a 2 week out of control binge fest caused me to gain 23 lbs. I literally felt i couldn't STOP eating (gourmet). I spent huge amounts of money at 'Oasis' and 'All the Way Live,' I snacked compulsively and obsessively at work in the raw kitchen. That felt demeaning, demoralizing, discouraging, depressing. Are there any more 'd' words? Disgusting. It made ME feel disgusting.
Physically, when a person binges, you FEEL physically horrid afterwards. Stuffed to the gills, bloated, gassy.
Now, i CHOOSE foods at work that are relatively low in salt compared to what i used to binge on. I avoid pickles and olives and nama shoyu. Okay, i may have a few farts at home from the nuts, but it's not a complete orchestral symphony eminating from my tuchus. I feel PHYSICALLY better since i've stopped binge eating at work, and outside of work (at the raw restaurants).
No way, THIS is MUCH better.
Okay, one other issue: energy. Yes, when i do have a heavier raw gourmet meal, yes, i DO certainly feel a dip in energy. I've been taking the BETAINE HCL, a digestive enzyme to assist with this. And i do indeed feel better some time later. And i've not reexperienced the yeast infection again since taking the Betaine. So, yes, i KNOW 'intellectually' that too many nuts and fat is not GOOD for me, and...that what i'm doing now may not 'technically' be healthy by 80-10-10 standards, but i FEEL SO MUCH BETTER about ME, and about my ABILITY to CONTROL FOOD. Doug Graham doesn't ever talk about this.
You know what i've done here, thanks to Dr. Fairburn's guidance? What i've been able to do? LEARN TO TRUST MYSELF. LEARN TO TRUST MY DESIRES. LEARN TO TRUST MY ABILITY TO CONTROL MYSELF. LEARN TO CONTROL MY IMPULSES.
This is all.....invaluable.
What keeps shocking me is that the panic i used to feel, the utter frenzy i would enter into, the palpable loss of control, the revved up frantic energy of binge eating. This has completely vanished.
If you've been following the blog, you KNOW this has been a process. Not everyday has been a rousing success, but overall, in sticking to some important goals at work: eating meals seated, not snacking, writing my food down, allowing myself all gourmet foods at work as meals when i'm hungry....i've seen marked improvement, not only in eliminating binge eating, but in listening in to myself.
As the weeks go by, i actually think i am actually EATING LESS at work.
As binge eating becomes a thing of the past, I can gently and gradually work towards reducing the overall fat and salt in my diet at work and move closer and closer to 80-10-10, should i desire.
My former coworker, Kim, has a great system going for herself. She eats 80-10-10 all week, and allows herself ONE GOURMET DAY. In chatting with her yesterday about how i set aside raw bread for myself now and how that helps me to control myself, she noted that it is hard to control onesself eating gourmet, so she only allows herself one day. Very sensible!
And even, Arnold, my boss, noted that aftering a fattier lunch, he craved fat.
Those of us who 80-10-10 appeals to usually HAVE overloaded on the fat and salt...that's expressly WHY we were drawn to 80-10-10. Graham discusses it in his book that overeating fat does cause us to crave it.
However, he never discusses how one should attack a binge eating problem. I'm thinking now, and believe me, i have NOT thought this in a LONG LONG time, that binge eating is pretty PSYCHOLOGICAL. I really have ALWAYS viewed my binge eating problem as an issue with the CHEMISTRY of the food. That it was the FAT or the MEAT that was too stimulating to me. How could it be that it USED to STIMULATE me so much at work and now i'm calm??????
Anyway, whether what i'm doing is healthier or not, I'm sure NO ONE, Doug Graham or anyone, would agree that binge eating is a positive thing.
Eliminating binge eating, in my view, is now a crucial first step in improving one's relationship with food, and ultimately in eating less and losing weight...permanently. It's a LONGER process, but worth it. What good is losing tons of weight quick, to turn around and gain it all back binge eating? How good does THAT feel??? I'll suffer a few farts here and there...and a dip in energy here and there...just to avoid that. And gaining a few pounds from salt is like so inconsequential to me now. (I weighed 255 before my morning doodoo). It's tremendously better than losing tons quickly and fast...only to unwittingly regain it all back by binge eating. No, learning to maintain NOW IS CRUCIAL to my long term success! YAY!!!!!!!
There is light at the end of the tunnel. There IS a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And the pot of gold.....is YOU!
Food / Activity
Sn: 2 peaches
Walk: 15 mins, good walk.
Br: 1 1/2 Supersize Spirulina shakes with hemp at work
L: 2 "avocado" pizzas with veggies...was STARVING!!!! (4 slices raw bread, slathered with smashed avocado, topped with raw shredded veggies.) DELISH!!!!!!
Sn: 4 dates
Sn: Supersize Hemp spirulina shake
D: 1 'collard' wrap....wow! (maya's garlic onion dip, a few tbsps, with lemon juice and veggies in a collard leaf, amazing!!!), eaten seated. Back in kitchen, a little leftover tuna on a corner of raw bread, a little leftover 'chedder cheeze' on a corner of raw bread, standing.
Although this little after dinner 'snack' was eaten standing in the kitchen, not ideal, there was absolutely no sense of being out of control. i can't tell you how amazingly exciting this is! i ate what i wanted...and that was THAT.
Liquid: 1 large coconut water, 2 penta waters, raw lemonade throughout the day
S: small peice watermelon at home
If any of you are struggling with binge eating, talk to me about it. I really welcome your experience, your struggles, your views, comments, success, pain, etc...
Just talking about it could be a positive step forward in your journey with ending binge eating.
xoxox michelle joy