Scary Monsters!

Beginning Raw Vegan Weight: 425

Beginning Blog Weight: 277

FRIDAY, June 26, 2009 WEIGH IN (new weeekly weighs on Fridays): 250 lbs

Total Blog Loss: 27 lbs in 4 weeks! (i was mistaken that it was 5 weeks, this is the fifth week)

NEW GOAL: 249 - only 1 lb away!!

TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS: 175 lbs

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Look at that big scary penis monster!!!! (It's just a TREE!!!...in the Redwood Forrest!)

UNOFFICIAL WEIGH IN SURPRISES RATHER THAN UPSETS
Okee-dokee. My attitude shifted drastically after weighing myself unofficially this morning. I was depressed upon waking up, did not want to walk and knew i had gained at least 6 lbs from the tahini salads i ate yesterday.

I weighed in at 250 3/4.

So, i've gone up a total of 3/4 since my last weigh in, but to me, that is like....a freakin' happy day and NOT a big deal and MUCH MUCH MUCH better than the 6 or 7 lb gain i expected this morning from 2 salads with salt and nutbutter dressing and so many bananas.

WOWEEE!

EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT....THOSE WERE THE DAYS!
You know, folks, I USED to be EASY GOING about raw food. I swear to you, i WAS!!!

Just ask my girlfriend, Jan. Hi Jan if you're reading this!!! Jan is my very dear close friend from California who i met at O.H.I, the raw retreat i stayed at, 2.5 years ago. Jan and i talk on the phone at least 1x a week and have since we met at the retreat. I LOVE YOU, Jan!!! (Jan is the one who told me about http://www.rawfoodbootcamp.com/.) During my first year at Arnolds Way, i ate like a pig, but my weight stayed in the 280's consistently seemingly NO MATTER HOW MUCH I ATE, whatever i pigged out on, raw bread, 10 slices for a snack, pate, wraps, whips, shakes, all day, ALL DAY. I never worried about my weight, NEVER. Everytime i spoke with Jan on the phone we'd no doubt enter into a discussion of how my weight and eating were playing out at Arnolds Way. For an entire year, every phone call we had included a dialogue such as this in such way, shape, or form:

Sample phone call:
"Hi Jan. It's Michelle. Yes, i still weigh the SAME!!!!!! Can you BELIEVE it???? It's been MONTHS. Yes. Yes! I know! Yes, i do! I eat WHATEVER i want ALL DAY! As long as it's raw! Even when i'm not hungry. I just pig OUT all day!! I know. I can't believe it either. It's freakin' FREAKY! It's like some weird chemical thing, like with Atkins diet or something. I NEVER gain weight, no matter how much I eat!!!!"

A day like YESTERDAY would have been a GREAT DAY back then.

What the HELL HAPPENED SINCE THEN????
Well, then i started gaining. I think my body had reached it's fill of raw fat after bingeing on it for nearly a year straight working at Arnolds Way.

Then i started up with 80-10-10ing and thank god because i started to lose again.

Then i got real filled with fear about gourmet. Because all gourmet was to me was a BINGE. When i ate it at Arnolds, it was NON STOP.

When i ate it after going off of 80-10-10, it was NON STOP THEN TOO. One BITE and zap! BINGE!!!

The only problem with eating gourmet AFTER 80-10-10ing was the weight gain that would accompany it....

Due largely, i SUPPOSE, to BINGE EATING GOURMET.

Well. So, Chicken Little did NOT fall from the sky yesterday, i had a salad for lunch and a salad for dinner, and the walls didn't cave in, so i'm so ready to move on from yesterday's experience....let's see what today will bring!!!!

SURPRISING MOOD LIFT
Suddenly everything awful i was thinking and feeling this morning doesn't really 'fit' because i didn't gain 6 lbs like i expected.

Ha ha...!!!!! That's pretty exciting!!!

I just have to add walking and i could probably MAINTAIN on a plan like this. A little salt? How lovely. A little more oil? Wow. Tahini dressing? Cashew butter dressing? All the bananas i want? Shit. Damn, that sounds GOOD.

TWO PROBLEMS WITH THIS HOWEVER
1) I WOULD like to lose more.

2) This way of moderating is SOOOOOOOO freakin' STRESSFUL!!!!!

I was filled with terror as I whimpered to Cliff last night after my salad that i felt my ankles blowing up already.

He looked at me like i was nuts and responded, "You worry too much!"

Well, it's not like i worry without REASON.

Well, um, well, well, there really was no reason to worry about last nights salad now that i see I didn't gain 6 lbs. Hmpf...

LEARNING HOW TO MODERATE AND NOT FREAK OUT WILL BE HARD
Maybe i'm so USED to HUGE gains from HUGE binges that i just don't KNOW/REALIZE what affect an average raw foodist salad will have on me.

I don't know where i'm going with this moderation thing, kids. We shall SEE!

I DO know i felt calmer on 80-10-10. Didn't worry nearly as much. Wasn't filled with fear and guilt.

But, then, i binged.

If THIS WAY truly ELIMINATES BINGEING?

Maybe i JUST HAVE to SUFFER through it!!!!!

Better to lose SLOWER and NEVER GAIN IT BACK AGAIN, than to YO-YO!

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CONTROL / MAINTENENCE ARE ISSUES WITH ME IN MY LIFE
The kitchen is messy again. It had been sooooooo CLEAN!! I hate daily maintence. I like BIG cleaning sessions that NEVER need to be looked after again. The only problem is, life is NOT like that. Time to do the dishes. [i did them]

I have a singing performance tonight. Wish me luck! I hope i don't have too bad reflux and that it will take me forever to warm up. worry, worry, worry! [i warmed up this morning. still need to do some more.]

My rehearsal went 'ok'. I wish i had more control over my voice. I do things i'm not happy with all of the time.

I wish i had more control over my eating. I do things i'm not happy with all of the time.

Practice....makes....perfect.

The more i practice this eating, the better i'll get. The more i practice my singing, the better i'll get. The better i do at daily maintence of my voice, of dishes, of food the better and easier things will get.

Suddenly, i dont' feel so badly this morning. Maybe i'm doin' okay? Maybe this really is....good and instructive...and therapeutic.

I'm meeting Cliffy with his breakfast outside. He's halfway done his bicycle ride and i'll head out for my walk. This time, for real. [uy. didn't feel good again today. a little dizzy. i did the dishes and just relaxed. no walk again.]

JUST IMAGINE
Tahini salads and walking. And lots of banana shakes.

If i could MAINTAIN 250-ish doing that, say, for the next 6 weeks, THAT would be an interesting, a very interesting experiment, would it not???

I would be growing in KNOWING my LIMITATIONS, knowing WHAT i can do, HOW FAR i can go.

I bet you i would NOT be so FILLED WITH FEAR at a salad with tahini dressing 6 weeks from now.

In terms of binge eating, i think, theoretically THAT WOULD calm it.

I mean, look at what i've BEEN doing. Very strict 'dieting' and then after the FIRST bite of a 'bad' thing, i am so riddled with guilt and fear that i DESTROYED everything, that i am compelled to go on and on and on into a binge....why not? i 'f'd up SO badly!

I ate a 1/2 veggie pattie the other day at work....and THAT set off a binge! A 1/2 of freakin' veggie burger pattie. Made from veggies and a little bit of cashew!

It kind of makes sense...when there is so much FEAR around food, and a mindset of TERROR at the first bite OFF PLAN, that it would produce a binge.

If i KNOW that a tahini salad with a tiny bit of salt or a few banana shakes a day is not going to DESTROY me....i think i'll eventually get calmer and calmer. Then i can really even CHOOSE if i want it, or not!

Wouldn't that be cool???

IT'S ALL A LEARNING EXPERIENCE
Well, so far in this blog, i've learned how to lose weight. That's cool.

I've learned how to still binge. That is not so cool.

And i'm learning how to moderate and maintain. And THAT is the most challenging of all.

BETTER NOW THAN LATER
But in the sentiment of Carlene Jones, founder of http://www.rawfoodbootcamp.com/, if none of her girls on the strict strict strict 1-banana, no agave, no dates, 80-10-10 plan have EVER KEPT THEIR WEIGHT OFF in the entire HISTORY OF BOOTCAMP, then it would BEHOOVE me to learn NOW to be more moderate, than to lose EVERYTHING STRICTLY....only to figure out LATER i don't know the FIRST thing about MAINTAINING and to GAIN IT ALL BACK!!

Why succumb to such drastic means of weight loss if they are doomed from the start? At least when i go 'off'' now, i don't have to be filled with terror at gaining 6 lbs from one salad. I've had the experience that it doesn't happen. Heh... Hehh! pretty freakin' cool!

You know what i love about Angela Stokes and Matt Monarch? They recognize a time for celebration and eat celebration food. They recognize a time for pulling back and go on juice feasts or fig feasts.

I was on a weight loss plan.

Now, I am on a little MODERATION feast now. And we're going to see where it leads me!!

No harm in staying 250ish for a few weeks to settle in here before i move on and say GOODBYE to 250 forever, is there?????

Time to open that "closet door" in the morning and realize that a pillow was NOT a monster, just a pillow.

A salad is just a salad and NOT a FORCE of DESTRUCTION.

And maybe I'm not such a force of destruction as i thought i was afterall!

Much love to you all. Keep those letters coming. This will be INTERESTING. stay tuned.

Some day this 'ol girl is going to be filled with LOTS 'o raw joy...and not just worry and fear!

FOOD/ACTIVITY
Breakfast: Shared banana smoothie with a touch of cacao with Cliff.

Activity: A whole lotta dishes. Feeling a little woozy still.

Liquid: 2 glasses of water

Snack: a handful of raspberries, a handful of red cherries.

Lunch: yummy chunky veggie salad. Recipe below.

Dinner: Strawberry/banana shake (frozen strawberries and bananas, water)

Activity: Concert! Wish me luck! [went well!]


RECIPE: "YUMMY CHUNKY VEGGIE SLAW"

In a big bowl, add the following:

• 3/4 cup of hand shredded green cabbage
• 1 carrot chopped
• 1/2 zucchini chopped
• 1 clove garlic, chopped fine
• 1/4 cup red bell pepper sliced
• 1/2 cup broccoli florets chopped
• 1/4 cup spicy fresh mustard greens hand shredded
• handful of fresh basil, slivered
• juice of 1.5 juicy limes
• black pepper
• 1 tbsp of tahini or cashew butter or a combo mixed in 1/8 cup of water to
  form a nut milk
• 1 heaping Tbsp of nutritional yeast

Hand blend and enjoy!!!

xoxoxo michelle joy