Saturday, July 18, 2009

A Bright Smile...And a Joyful Heart!

Hello Folks,

Here is my new headshot, cropped a bit :-)) At least it conveys some joy! :-))

The application for Sight and Sound Entertainment Center is due this Monday. I was a good girl and just sent my paperwork and photo today. Hopefully, they'll be dazzled by my smile!?? Wish me luck I sing well and act well at my audition next Monday, July 27. I'm working on a monologue from a play by Oscar Wilde, 'A Woman of No Importance.'

Weight this morning: 255 1/2....(from 250) after 2 days of gourmeting. (Much better than 258.) Man, oh, man, was i nervous to get on the scale this morning. I was really scared i would be in the 260's.

I got my period this morning, so i'm doubley thrilled my weight is not too bad. It's period bloat along with gourmet it's not so horrendous. The daily walks are helping me process the heavier food, i think.

Let me try to recall what i ate yesterday. Breakfast a green smoothie, i walked. When i got to work i had a chocolate smoothie, yum. I had a few more smoothies, leftovers.

My lunch was mind blowing: 2 slices raw bread with tons of veggies, white sauce w/o nama shoyu, tomato sauce, 1 raw steak burger. I enjoyed it sitting. Nothing tastes as good as good food WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY.

I began picking on raw bread as i packed up bread. I had at least 5 peices. I felt so sick afterwards. I didn't eat for a long time after that. I remember later having the raw toona, the fake potato salad. Everything else is a blur. Maybe i didn't do THAT terribly yesterday?

In all honestly, I'm sometimes not really 100% sure if what i'm attempting to do is really 'working' to reduce binge eating, that is, 'allowing' myself gourmet food, and 'legalizing' it, in an attempt to kind of take the 'illegal charge' out of it. It's hard to 'see' myself as a success if i still fall under the spell of binge eating.

However, when i really think about it, I actually DO believe i see great improvements, and i don't think i'm just fooling myself.

I used to be MUCH MORE DRIVEN before I began venturing into the world of 'legalization', and these episodes would last for WEEKS. (The last 2-week long binge episode i had was before i started this blog and I gained 23 lb in two weeks).

My 5+ lb temporary weight gain doesn't thrill me, but after the 2nd or third week doing this, i'm calming down and recognizing it really IS temporary. Alot of the fear and panic is gone. THAT is improvement. Serious improvement.

Yes, I look and feel bloated. But, i know now that after a few days of 80-10-10ing, i'll be back to 250-ish. (Maybe over time, i'll gain less and less, and actually lose very very slowly, overall. That would be nice!)

Today so far was a perfect 'moderation' day. If i could have daily days like this.....where i eat one gourmet meal and don't fly out of control...i'd be....just like everyone else!!! Today we were in the Lansdale, PA area, so for lunch I stopped into Arnolds Way, and though this was a planned 'light' day, i decided i wanted a gourmet meal, as i was THERE and HUNGRY and WHY NOT? I AM supposed to be learning how to eat in moderation so i don't binge. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to do just that!

I shared a chocolate whip with Cliff, yum. And I thoroughly enjoyed, i mean, really, really (what a joy to enjoy a gourmet meal) a raw cheeseburger sandwhich. I was very hungry and, god, it was so good. What was SO great, was that I felt no guilt afterwards. No compulsive feelings. What a treat. I felt NORMAL. Just a meal. I enjoyed it. And then it was over. And it didn't live on and on in my head in a crazy way. Wow!

We had a very busy Saturday morning, and i took a short walk onto Main Street to meet Cliff for a lovely iced tea in this absolutely gorgeous weather this morning before we headed out. He's napping, so i'm heading out for a more substantial walk in a few minutes.

I was invited to a raw potluck tomorrow. I was much more concerned this morning how i was going to deal with it. Would i eat there? Would i binge? Would i stay on 80-10-10 and avoid the food? But i'm gaining confidence in my ability to moderate since i had such a positive experience with lunch. I'll keep you informed!!!

Wish me luck!

a 20 minute walk to Main Street and back

PRE-BREAKFAST: 3 peaches

BREAKFAST: 1.5 glasses leftover green smoothie

BEVERAGE: 1.5 large herbal iced teas unsweetened

LUNCH: 1/2 large cocoa whip. 1 raw cheeseburger (2 slices raw bread, 1 burger halved, veggies, tomato sauce, white sauce w/o the nama shoyu, no olives/pickles.

EXERCISE: A good 20 minute walk uphill

DINNER: Huge fruit smoothie! Strawberries, blueberries, 5 bananas, icecubes, agave, 1 heaping Tbsp cashew butter. ooh la la!

More later! xoxox michelle joy

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