Thursday, July 16, 2009

Celtic Salt!

Hello Good People,

Today was a work day, meaning it was a day that i allow myself gourmet raw vegan food. I didn't know how i was going to deal with it, i just knew that i planned to stick to foods with celtic salt, and eat nothing using nama shoyu, (which contains wheat), or olives, which do not contain sea salt - because after speaking with my friend, Tim Arnold, who swears that when using sea salt, such as Celtic salt, we theoretically should 'not' retain fluid because of the chemical structure of the salt, i wanted to do this little experiment to see if this was in fact, true.

I actually did NOT feel as thirsty as i have in the past when using nama shoyu or olives, both of which are extremely high in sodium. We shall see how awful the weigh in is tomorrow!!! I did eat a good amount of raw bread today so there will be the issue of dehydrated food in the gut which takes longer to digest than fruit. One thing is cool, that i've made peace with gaining. I'm seeing it as a natural part of this process of overcoming binge eating, and i'm just hoping each time I gain from eating heavier raw foods, it just won't go as high... we shall see!!!! Last week i went from 250 to 258.

Today's food went okay, then i began "picking" (banana whip tastes). Things went out of control much later after i chose to eat a meal, a heavy meal, for which i was absolutely NOT hungry. It was disconcerting because i had not eaten in hours and i wanted to eat. Well, i did. Seated. And it didn't taste good. It was a dissappointment, and i looked at the caloric content of the prepackaged 'awesome foods' nutspread and found my uninspiring heavy meal was nearly 800 calories, including the spread and the raw bread. This pretty much depressed me and put the fear in me. I then had the kind of attitude after that, like 'well, who even CARES" and just wanted to eat for pleasure, which i did.

Not that it even gave me that much pleasure, really. The meal i'd had earlier in the day when i was starving and it tasted so mind blowing...that was TRUE pleasure. All of the attempts at pleasure later contained little. But, I'm a little glutton and i was just seeking some pleasure. I should learn to find pleasure in other areas of life. Ultimately, i was unfulfilled from the food i had eaten without hunger.

On a deeper level, i was feeling some stress today, which is normal in a busy kitchen, but i need to learn to deal with it better, or avoid it altogether. Food is my weakness, and it seems raw bread can be a real trigger. I know better than to eat raw bread right out of the dehydrator. I took a taste and allowed it to get out of control.

Emotionally, earlier, i began to feel inklings of losing control, kind of a panic, that a binge was impending. What was i feeling to precipitate this? I tend to feel this way when i feel out of control, stressed or disorganized at work. It's important for me to get myself organized regularly, so i don't feel too stressed. I think grabbing food is a way for me to feel in control. At least once today, earlier in the day, i felt like binge eating. I told myself what i wanted i could eat later. I talked to myself. I calmed myself. I sat down and wrote out my feelings, and i felt better. Later, i succumbed. I think binge eating is an emotional thing at these times. It's so complex. It's emotional, physical, it's all of it. Emotions collide with highly stimulating food.

Something in me was telling me, that still small voice, that i didn't NEED a 2nd heavy meal. I simply wasn't hungry for it. i was sooo upset about that. I hadn't had a green smoothie, so late in the day had one, and in all honesty, THAT could have been my dinner. But that little glutton part of me had a real real real hard time with THAT (as a dinner) when i wanted to try the new 'awesome foods' pate. You know, it occurs to me binge eating is also very much an issue of POOR IMPULSE CONTROL. I want something, i want it NOW. The decision to eat that meal was a mental decision and very much not inspired by physical hunger. The better and better i become at paying attention and listening, going within, the better i'll get at avoiding binges.

Nevertheless, no matter how poorly i do, I need to remember, it's a journey. And i don't even think i did THAT poorly. There were days at work i've eaten 6 or more heavy meals in a day at work. I think I'm improving.

I also acknowledge the AWESOME progress i've made with my weight....i weighed 250-exactly this morning, that is marvelous! From 258 to 250 in one week.

And the first 3/4 of the work day was a success.

Live and learn. It still wasn't as bad as many, many, many, many, MANY other work days have been where i snack and snack and snack.

I need to remember that in as little as 6 months ago, i weighed 299.5. That's pretty freakin' awesome to weigh 250!!!

PRE-BREAKFAST: some cantaloupe, delish.

EXERCISE: 45 mins uphill, whew!

SNACK: 1 banana, 1 bottle water until i get to work

BREAKFAST: starving! Chocolate Protein shake (cacao, banana, hemp, agave, vanilla, filtered water) OMG, delish!

LUNCH: arnolds way 'pizza' (2 slices raw bread, tomato sauce, cashew/sunflower cream made special with celtic salt, tons of veggies) OMG, DELISH beyond belief! THIS is how gourmet eating should be. I was HUNGRY for it, it tasted amazing and i thoroughly enjoyed it!!!

DRINK: large coconut water, 180 calories

SNACKS: banana whip 'tastes' as i was making them, and 1/2 small whip

LATE AFTERNOON SNACK: Supersize green smoothie (apple, banana, collards, dates, water)

DINNER: 1 pack 'awesome foods' tuna on 2 slices raw bread with veggies. was not hungry. did not enjoy.

* 4 peices raw bread, standing
* 1 peice raw bread with pesto, standing
* 1 peice raw bread with 'chedder cheeze', standing

SNACK: at home - leftover veggie salad, standing, not hungry at all, just mostly 'reacting' to the day, feeling discouraged and feeding that discouragement.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Feelin' pretty down and depressed, but mostly exhausted. These daily walks are fabulous but they're wiping me out. And today's over-eating feels like a dissappointment. And it's not fun having to report this. But, most of all, i'm physically TIRED, and just dissappointed.

Feelin' pretty depressed about some personal issues i'm dealing with, and I'm thinking maybe that emotionally set off the eating? I've been so open and public, but some things i don't feel comfortable being so open with. That said, this issue may have spurned on a binge.

When one binges, they get to feel BADLY about what they've eaten, instead of feel BADLY about what they really feel badly about. Food can often serve as a very effective distraction, if one lets it. I'm aware of the issue i'm upset about, but i feel kind of hopeless about it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Better luck tomorrow.

Sleep well......

xoxox michelle joy

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