NOT A GOOD DAY

TODAY'S STATEMENT: Patience is a virtue and something some of us have to learn. Walked my butt off yesterday and still didn't lose a lb today!! In fact, i gained 1/4 lb back!!! But, I look alot better to myself, so i'm sure i'm losing inches. And anyway, I'm sure all of this work/exercise and overall reduction of calories will add up. It's a possibility I may have to eat less. Holy crap, that would be awful, because i'm having fun.

BR: CEREAL N MYLK - kashi go-lean cereal, soy milk, lots of fresh strawberries chopped up in it and 1/2 banana

SN: YUMMY TASTE TESTING - 1/4 cup macaroni salad, tasting, while making fresh for cliff, a higher fat version with real mayo and fresh herbs from our garden, delish.
SN: FRUIT SOUP - frozen blueberries and strawberries, blenderized with fresh mint and dannon lite yogurt (80 cals) - scrumptious.
LN: HOMEMADE BUTTERNUT SQUASH SOUP - 1 butternut squash (2.5 cups, veggie broth and veggies)
DN: SALAD AT THE HOSPITAL - lotsa lettuce, 1 h.b. egg, 2 spoons of sunflower seeds, honey mustard dressing; 1 slice bread with 1 pat butter and packet honey
AFTER HOSPITAL BINGE:

• small fries, mcdonalds (250 cals)
• vanilla cone, mcdonalds (150 cals)
• slice pizza, italian joint (256 cals, appox?)
• bag baked chips (210 cals)
• snapple iced tea, 20 oz, 100 cals for 8 oz (240 cals)
• veggie hoagie with mozzerella cheese: hoagie roll, 377 cals, mozz cheese, 350 cals, veggies and sauce, 150 cals (870 cals total)
• Wawa buttered shorti roll (350 cals)
• Wawa small mac 'n cheese (300 cals)
• Wawa cheese hoagie, junior (350 cals, approx)
• 5 skinny cow icecream bars (730 cals)

CALS before binge: 2, 067 cals
Binge CALS: 3, 521 cals
CALS after binge: 5, 588 cals

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Okay, um, need i say that yesterday was NOT a good day. I wrote the thing about patience early in the day when i saw i gained weight after walking my butt off yesterday. That was supremely dissappointing.

First of all, according to Dr. Fairburn (Overcoming Binge Eating), i have to stop weighing myself daily. WEEKLY only.

FACT: i have an eating disorder.

FACT: that means i have distorted thoughts about food, shape, weight.

FACT: gaining weight, overeating, etc... can all trigger my 'insanity' about food.

Well, foodwise, up until about 9p.m., it was, okay.

FACT: i was discouraged yesterday about my newfound diet, that it wasn't working quickly enough. We had company over, someone who hasn't seen me in a while, and i am fatter now that when he last saw me. I had a hard time, emotionally, coming to terms with that. Feelings of failure, discouragement.

I was on the 2nd shift for my mom and got there about 4pm to relieve Dad. The whole morning, before our company came, i felt like crap. (All of the soy????) I had little energy. And felt very depressed and unmotivated. I have alot to do around the house and was productive, but didn't accomplish what i wanted to (cleaning the hallway and putting the laundry away upstairs). I also didn't exercise.

All of the lack of accomplishments weighed on me like a ton of bricks. I can't detach my mind from my mother. How can i wimp out on exercise or putting clothes away, when she's fighting for her life and will have to bear such discomfort, such suffering, learn to walk again, learn to breath again. When she is suffering so, how can i NOT do what i need to??? What excuse do i have?

Suddenly, being the lazy ass i can sometimes be, doesn't just impact ME, it impacts how much i'll be able to help and be a support to mom. "Mom, if i can do it, so can you!!!" won't be as easy to say if i can't do simple shit myself.

I was so weak yesterday. I cried all day.

Not that weakness is crying. It's hard to explain. I've been overly emotional my whole life and i'm trying to IMPROVE that.

When i got to my mom's, she was still sleeping (semi induced coma). The nurse explained more fully about her septic situation (it's a horror) and looked like she didn't know when i asked, "Is my mom gonna make it?"

I was completely discouraged yesterday, not only in myself, in what i'm trying to accomplish and how i'm going about it, but in my mom's recovery, and in myself for being weak, when i want desperately to be strong, emotionally, physically, spiritually.

Being strong takes WORK. Work to stay positive, WORK to see the bright side, WORK to do what i SAY i'm gonna do. I wimped out yesterday.

After the hospital, i headed to the "gym," but, obviously, in the back of my mind, i never really wanted to make it, and i thought i'd just have a little "snack" to make me FEEL better.

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I was incredibly emotional yesterday. I cried and cried. I think the whole "reality" of the situation with my mom was just pummelting me. The reason I say "reality" is that I think we CREATE our own reality. I don't think FEELING your emotions on days like this is all it's cracked up to be. First of all, before we even HAVE an emotion, they are preceeded by THOUGHTS. This is classic cognitive behavioral therapy. HOW YOU THINK AFFECTS HOW YOU FEEL.

Isn't that what the SECRET is all about?????

I say it all of the time, but it is a lesson that the Secret teaches that i OBVIOUSLY need to re-learn and re-learn.

FOCUS NOT on the reality of the situation (because that's usually horrible, be it my mom, or my weight problem), but on WHAT YOU WANT.

OKAY: I want my mother's infections to heal. I want my mother's swelling to go down (as a result of the infections healing). I want my mother to be calm and peaceful when she wakes up (they are reducing the meds that knock her out). I want my mother to be calm and peaceful when she can understand her situation. And to be calm and peaceful about her tracheotomy.

I am at peace about my mother's healing. I fully believe she will get well, no matter how long it takes. I am able to be strong for her and support her in what she needs to accomplish. I am able to comfort her and calm her and teach her to be less reactive, in a negative way, to her situation. I allow the Diving Light of God to pass through me. I am a channel.

I want to have more energy. I want to be less bloated today. I want to learn from the calories (above) that any of the things i ate would have been FINE as a snack in the correct proportion.

If i had eaten mac'n cheese for dinner, like i WANTED to, i probably would NOT have binged. I felt deprived at dinner. I've been trying to DIET, you know, because i didn't LOSE anything this morning. I was discouraged and TRYING harder. And sometimes the more FALSE WRONG EGO effort you use, the WORSE things get.

I'm re-thinking fitday. It might be preferable to just WRITE what i eat down, make healthy choices when i want something healthy and practice good portion control when i want something fatty. Not allowing myself binge foods like fries and pizza and mac 'n cheese and junior hoagies (calorically not that high) really set me up to go off of the deep end.

Now, that, mind you, is typical binge eating disorder treatment thinking. Psychologically, we have to not feel deprived.

Nutritionally, too much fat or processed foods don't really come into the picture. When healing a binge eating disorder, typically, it's more of a PSYCHOLOGICAL healing around food, as opposed to a nutritional one.

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Anyway, that was my day. Moving on. Today is a new day. I don't know WHAT i'll do foodwise today. I'm going to ask God to lead me. I'm certainly going to do whatever i can to avoid binge eating, even if that's eating mac'n cheese for lunch or a peice of pizza, small portions. I mean isn't a few hundred calories extra preferable to 3,500 extra????

When i woke up, i thought i'd do a green smoothie fast, and nutritionally, that probably makes the most sense, but i usually set myself up for failure when i think like that. I don't know what i'll do. Wish me luck and send your prayers my way and my moms way.

xoxo michelle joy