Tuesday, June 1, 2010

DAZZLING DUO - CLIFF AND MICHELLE BEGIN EXERCISING AGAIN TOGETHER

Morning,

Cliff's out for his bicycle ride...he's re-establishing his exercise program...

And i've got a bathing suit on...not my pink one from my lower weight, but the black and purple one that i bought at O.H.I., the raw retreat i stayed at 3 years ago. It fits me nicely and that is making me feel good. Cliff said i look cute, i looked in the mirror and exclaimed, "That doesn't look too bad!" with a smile on my face.

The truth of the matter is, I'm feeling totally defeated. My weight yesterday was 307.5. I'm resisting doing a cleansing green smoothie "feast," to lose a quick 20+ lbs before having to work on Thursday. One side of me wants to be thinner for work. I'll be so embarrased seeing customers and coworkers notice my weight gain. The other side of me can't seem to get up the gumption necessary to make it happen.

My mother is suffering in the hospital, I'm needed there daily. I inevitably end up in the cafeteria there daily, filling up on fatty, cheesy, comfort foods in large quantities. I'm afraid i won't make it to the gym without stopping at Dunkin' Donuts.

After water walking, i'll go stay with my mom until late in the evening. Her drainage has not slowed down and I'm scared everyday.

What a blog i write. When i'm doing well, i certainly let you know about it, but when i'm doing poorly, as i am now, I yearn to document it, to get it all out, like a catharsis, in the hopes that it will wake me up...and spurn change.

I keep saying to myself the last few days, "God helps those who help themselves."

It's ME making the choices I do. It's just poor choice after poor choice. And then I feel so badly about me, so 'not even worth it.'

My struggles are emotional. I'm scared, I'm terribly depressed about my mom, and about my weight gain, and I'm ashamed.

I'm self-soothing. But it doesn't make me feel better, ultimately. Something in my brain is missing to miss that and to keep going back for more.

My struggles are physical. I'm heavier now and everything is harder. The tub is tight again. My clothes are tight. I feel bad. I look bad. You'd think that would all make me want to do BETTER....but i react to it emotionally...and feel bad about me...and the cycle continues. I eat to make myself feel better.

And, physically, cooked food really is a drug. If i never knew that before, I know that now.

My problems are spiritual. I keep praying to get on track, I do make some strides on some days, but i seem to always let myself down. I gotta have faith. Faith that my mom will get well, and faith in ME.

Where is that strong achiever we all knew???

It's like I have two personalities - the successful raw foodist/caterer who lost 170 lbs, who was an inspiration for 3 years. And then there's that big fat failure who feels so guilty, so not good enough, so addicted, so ashamed. She wallows in her bad behaviors, feels sorry for herself, waits for somebody else to 'to it for her" because she fears she can't. She feels little belief that she can actually dig her way out of the trouble she's allowed herself to get in.

I saw a really fat person yesterday and she reminded me of me pre-raw, and how grateful i was to have found raw, and to have found a way to at least manage my obesity and binge eating better. Which is really what i did for over 3 years.

Now I and my obesity and my binge eating are out of control again.

Who is in charge? Me or food? It FEELS like food is. It calls. I obey. But, i know that I'm in charge. I get to make the choices in my life. I can turn this around by making better, saner choices, one after the other throughout the day.

It's really challenging, especially when you just want COMFORT.

My poor mother is laying in a hospital bed for almost 2 weeks now. Her surgery sprung a leak internally and they're hoping the colon will just grow back together. Worst case scenario is she needs a second surgery. She can't eat or drink a thing. She's suffering. I'm crying all day. And all i want to do...is eat. As soon as i leave her, I eat. When i'm with her, i sneak downstairs and eat. Before i get there, i eat.

I can't tell you how badly i feel about ME that i have been doing that. The guilt. The shame.

So, i eat more to forget the pain of feeling bad.

Cliff is also upset that he has put on some weight.

It's been a hard time for all of us. We lived with my mom with 13 weeks prior. He ate out alot. Now, i don't even have the desire to cook at home. He eats out alot. So, yesterday, last night, he said, "This is it! We're starting out exercise again, tomorrow morning!!! I'll go for my ride and we'll meet at Saxby's after you walk."

My darling Cliff. I needed that. I need that support. Thank you, my love.

I decided water-walking at the gym may be a better place to begin exercising for me. It's what i did at the retreat...at my heaviest, 425. No matter how fat you are, you can still walk in the water. Thinking about getting back in the water again is actually exciting me. It feels like old times and i'm smiling about it now. Water is very healing to me. I've got my bathing suit on. I shaved my pits, thank god. I have my bag packed with shampoo and underwear and everything i'll need.

I'm not calling the hospital before i'm done my water walk. I need to do this for me before running to help my mom.

Did i tell you yesterday that Cliff brought me green smoothie and raw pesto pizzas and fruit to the hospital? He is a dear.

So, my dear darling Cliffy has thrown me a life raft by making me smoothie and packing fruit and pesto pizza...and has linked up with me to start out exercise duo partnership again. The golden life raft is just within my reach.

I just have to grab on.

MY FATHER JUST CALLED AND MY MOTHER IS GOING IN FOR SURGERY AGAIN TODAY TO FIX THE LEAK. PLEASE, PLEASE PRAY FOR HER TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE SURGERY. PLEASE. i have to go to the hospital and swim later. PLEASE PRAY FOR US. PLEASE PRAY FOR MY MOM.

xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

jan said...

I'm praying, dear Michie!