Wednesday, June 30, 2010

EMBRACE DEPRIVATION! Raw wins out afterall....

Here are some images from last summer when i weighed 250lbs. I look at these and i say, 'that's how i want to look again.'

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When i went to the raw retreat ( almost 4 years ago, weighing 425 lbs, i had made a serious decision regarding cooked food and how it helped or didn't help my binge eating. Binge after enormous binge on cooked food, I had come to terms with the fact that trying to "legalize" cooked food was pointless. It was a process that would take years, as well as significant WEIGHT GAIN. At 425, I couldn't afford to gain any more weight.

Going raw and sending myself to the retreat was the most practical decision i could come up with. For every "good" day I experienced eating cooked food in control, there was the inevitable backlash of enormous and enormously caloric cooked food binges, and the resulting terrific weight gain.

I find myself to be right back 'there,' coming to terms with that SAME problem, again. For every GOOD day i have, it all gets undone by huge caloric cooked food binges.

The last two days have been such days.

This is all so reminiscent.

And, for practical reasons, I just can't afford to keep gaining weight. I weighed in at 311 today. I didn't mean to binge for 2 days. I certainly didn't want to or plan to. I was happy eating moderately. But i was upset about my mom one night and snacking ensued and snacking led to out of control and the party never ended.

I said to myself, "This is absolutely hopeless. I can't keep doing this. Trying to legalize food COSTS me too much in weight gain.'

I stopped binge eating last night around 6pm after deciding what i had to do. I decided to stop listening to the experts, to Weight Watchers and to Eating disorder clinics and doctors and book authors, and i decided to listen to myself.

Raw food rescued me before, and i am going to turn to it to rescue me again.

EMBRACE DEPRIVATION - I remember once when i was on another program that taught to eat SUCH small portions of food i felt incredibly deprived and sad all of the time. But i had this little mantra i told myself, "God loves a contrite (sad) heart." Why is deprivation looked upon as so frightening and so negative?? Why can't giving up something be viewed as positive? The pain it causes us to give something up wears off in time, and soon, we realize we are better off without it. Don't you think smokers trying to quit feel that pull to ciggarettes for a long time? And drug addicts to drugs? We have to feel the intense pain of deprivation, and just let it go. And not react. And don't give in.

FOCUS on ONE DAY AT A TIME - I CAN be raw today. I can have more watermelon or some veggies before I leave for the hospital. And, at the hospital, i can have a nice plate of cut up veggies, maybe a banana and an orange. It's certainly not luxurious cream of mushroom soup and jack 'n jill icecream bars, but, it's nourishment. And i can do it for today.

THIN IS IN - I really liked how i look above. I really liked being so mobile. Man, i scooted all over town on foot that summer, going up and down hills, walking my butt off. I loved it. Talk about empowering.

FAT IS OUT - I'm sick of how i feel. I feel like shit. I feel so heavy i can't believe i once weighed over 100 lbs more than i do today. I barely want to move.

Why shouldn't i do what i know works. Why do i have to stay bloated like this when i know how to unbloat myself???? I want to feel light again, i want that old bounce back in my step. I want to lose 20 lbs in 3 days, and i will.

DO IT RIGHT - I will take this raw one day at a time and hope that i can learn from past mistakes, do raw better and stay motivated and on task, learn how to find the RIGHT mix of deprivation (no salt/low fat) with times of pleasure eating (gourmet raw), like i did at the retreat.

If i could just go back and do what i did before, i'll make it.

WHAT WORKED: At the retreat, we ate watermelon for breakfast; saltless seedcheese with veggies and maybe 1 saltless flax cracker for lunch, perhaps some nice salads; and something similar for dinner. THAT'S IT. We drank rejuvelac and wheatgrass juice. We drank lots of water. We ate only 1 avocado per week, but seedcheese (from soaked seeds) 2x/day. We had a good amount of sprouts. We had tomatoes and cukes and lots of veggies to nibble on. We had no other sweet fruit, aside from watermelon in the morning. We juiced 1 day per week on vegetable juice.

PLEASURE TRIPS: Once or twice a week, sometimes more, i went out and had a raw gourmet meal, but i never kept ANYTHING gourmet in my kitchen. I never used salt or oil because i knew i couldn't be trusted. I only ate gourmet OUT, never at home in my condo. At the restaurants, I ate whatever i wanted, guilt free. An appetizer, an entree, a dessert. I usually ate VERY lightly the rest of the day.

EXERCISE: I also walked my butt off all over town and swam several times a week for an hour.

RESULTS: I lost 140 lbs like this and had the time of my life. Looked and felt fabulous. Does that sound so awful?????

FOCUS: I need to stay focused today. I need to just clean out. I'm so bloated and so full. My belly is full of food. I need to hydrate. I need to focus on my physical restoration right now. I need to not react to temptation. I need to focus on what i'm going to do, what i'm going to eat today, and nothing else.

Hey, please see this as positive. Please support me. I need you. And thanks for being there.

I know i can maintain this, because i did it for 3 years before.

xoxo michelle


Sari said...

Good decision :) You know I support you :)

Cosmic said...

You can do it Michelle!


mikelle said...

M Joy~ I would have supported whatever path you chose for yourself but I have to admit that I was secretly rooting for raw the whole time :)