FOOD TODAY Saturday, June 12, 2010
* R means raw food; calories were calculated using www.fitday.com
- BR: R Big green smoothie - R spinach, R mango, R grapes, R 1 banana, filtered water: 355 cals
- SN: Lowfat yogurt and a R pear: 256 cals
- LN: Whole wheat wrap with 1 peice of baked tofu, R lots of spinach, R tomato, R onion, ketchup, mustard and "Nayonaise"; 9 rice chips: 515 cals
- DN: white rice, string beans and carrots, asian dressing and tofu chunks at the hospital: 828 cals
- SN: "skinny cow" ice cream sandwhich, and one "skinny cow" fudgey bar - HUNGRY!!! : 240 cals
- TOTAL CALS: 2,296 cals
EXERCISE: Pedometer steps: 12, 660 or 6.3 miles, which included a walk up hill and back from Hospital to Whole Foods and back (738 cals burned!)
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Mom had a really CALM, SERENE day. My heart should be happy, yet i'm melancholy. I'm struggling with being very emotional.
I need to start doing my meditation daily again, i think. It helps me overcome my nature to just be overreactive and overemotional.
I use a meditation I learned years ago by Roy Masters, a jewish/christian spiritual/psychological guru I used to listen to regularly on the radio and have heard speak live many, many times. Roy's website is http://www.fhu.com/. Roy Masters is where I first learned about RAW FOOD!!! Roy wrote a book tauting raw, as Adam and Eve ate it, called "Eat No Evil."
I can honestly say that Roy Masters has been one of THE biggest influences on my life.
I need to get back to my meditation. The meditation (actually an excercise in awareness) teaches you to live in the moment, stop living in the future (fear, usually) or the past (depression, regret, etc...). You learn how to step outside of your 'thinking' self...(intellect) and your 'feeling' self (emotions) and just 'be'...here...in this present moment...where no past, no future exist.
It's VERY powerful, just learning to BE, and to detach from the emotions, detach from the constant whirl of obsessive thinking.
Detaching from emotions sounds like it would be a bad thing, but actually it's a really GOOD thing. It enables you to take action, to overcome yourself and do things you didn't think you could do. For instance, let's say there's a fire, and you're so overcome with fear, you can't think straight and you die in the fire. Or you're supposed to exercise, but you don't FEEL like it. Giving into those "feelings" of fear (fear of discomfort, etc.) does you no good. People who have their head screwed on straight and can operate under pressure and stress and overcome how they 'feel' about things, obviously have an advantage. They may not 'wanna' do something, but they do it. I'd like to be one of those people.
Constantly REACTING to stress is EXHAUSTING. How could a surgeon operate if everytime he went to cut someone, he cried for their pain (or something, you know what i mean....). Or how could a police officer arrest someone if he felt "badly" for them.
I'm exhausted, depressed and melancholy from this whole thing with my mom. Cliff keeps reminding me to keep my chin up. "I know it's hard to see your mom suffer, but she's doing so well!" I'm stuck in reacting to the suffering.
I can only be good for mommy if I'm in good shape myself. My strength will enable her strength.
Take my dad, for example, he's a mess. He can't sleep. He's overeating. Eating all of the wrong stuff. He's reacting to the stress of my mother's absence at home. His reacting to the stress only makes him more and more stressed out. It doesn't work.
Did eating over the stress of my catering gigs make them go better...or worse???
When i had the catering stuff, i was like a nuclear reactor. It was SUCH a stressful event, i really got sucked in to reacting, big time. I couldn't do my best work. I was a MESS.
I'm better now, but not good enough. I feel bad too much. What good does that do ME OR my mom??????
I need to work on learning to live in the moment. Mommy is not here with me, (I'm home.) so why should i be fretting so about her???
I had a HUGE lesson this morning. I was awful with guilt that i had gotten to mom so late, 1 pm. I KNEW she would be awful, in terrible pain, squirming all over, restless, and that she would be missing me.
I had prayed a prayer over her the night before that she rest comfortably. And in the morning had worked the SECRET on what i wanted for her that day: that she be comfortable, that she be calm.
She couldn't have BEEN any calmer today! My worst fears were NOT realized.
So, right here, here and now, I let that melancholy GO. GO!!!! I remain positive. I live in the moment. And I TRUST that God and the nurses will take care of her. I pray and manifest for my mother a night of sleep and glorious rest. And for tomorrow, another day of peace, comfort and freedom from pain (or acceptance with her level of pain, perhaps i should say, as some pain may be needed to move forward). I ask for another day of progress forward in her recovery that is nothing more than she can handle.
I love you, mommy.
xoxo michelle joy