Monday, June 7, 2010



It's important for me to express my pain and joy. In case you haven't noticed, i have a humungous need for SELF EXPRESSION. In fact, numerologically, it's my biggest DRIVE - to express myself. In expressing myself, i hope to find my answers, and then when i do, i can share with you what worked, to help you!

  • GUILT: My heart is broken. I feel profoundly depressed this morning, though my mother's urine output is again a little improved. Still, all of this is weighing on me. My fault? Not my fault? I wrote an email to Dr. Brian Clement of Hippocrates Institute (a raw retreat.) I'll let you know if he writes back.
  • DISCOURAGEMENT: Didn't lose any weight monday morning, leaving me feeling a little discouraged, honestly, i mean, i gotta be honest. It doesn't mean i can't slough it off and move on, but i gotta be honest. Not losing weight made me doubt my direction, but ultimately, i decided to hang in there with it.
  • BETTER FOR CURING MY BINGE EATING DISORDER: I think a varied vegetarian diet as I'm exploring right now is HEALTHIER PSYCHOLOGICALLY for me and for my EATING DISORDER. No deprivation. No binge eating. Just self control. is INVALUABLE. I am married to it.
  • SNORING/BLOOD PRESSURE: PHYSICALLY, the health of a vegetarian diet is in question, compared to raw vegan. I snore again, and do not snore on raw. I also have been getting slight headaches, most likely due to my raised blood pressure. I never had high blood pressure on raw.
  • NEW FREEDOM: My level of enjoyment of food has skyrocketed. I eat when i'm hungry. I enjoy what i eat. I'm not binge eating. Hallelujah.
  • MOVE IT, BABY: I'm exercising, alot! I did 13,114 steps yesterday, a total of 6.6 miles of walking and burnt 771 cals!! My PEDOMETER is my new best friend.
  • THE FUTURE: This eating "normally" and exercising is really emotionally healing for me and my (long term out of control) eating disorder, but if my body needs to go more raw to be healthier, i'm going to trust it to guide me.
  • MOM DOING BETTER AN INCH AT A TIME: My mother made two bowel movements Saturday, and her urine output is better daily. She's been in an induced coma of sorts to promote sleep and healing. She's on a ventilator and can't talk, which is so frustrating to her, but she was awake yesterday and was communicative. She shook her head "yes," she cried. My heart breaks. i think my mommy is getting better.
  • WALK THROUGH THE DISCOURAGEMENT: As I was taking my walk this morning, i felt "fat." I used to hear people describing themselves like that at O.A. "I feel fat today," they'd say. I caught a glimpse of myself in a store window, and i did not look good to myself. That i didn't lose weight monday morning, and then didn't look good, all i saw were fat rolls, got the mind whirling. It would be a very safe bet to say that i have extreme psychological issues when it comes to weight and food. But, thank God for Cliff. We met up at the coffee house, our old routine back, and I "processed" it and talked it over with him. It was hard in such a dejected state to do the walk. But, once i kept going, got out of my "head," and just did it, i felt better and better.
  • WRITE A BOOK - I saw "Sex and The City, 2" - Terribly hard to enjoy all of the decadence when my mom is suffering in the hospital, but feel very much like Carrie Bradshaw in my need to document my thoughts. When i am cured, i'm writing a book.
  • KEEP MOVING FORWARD: After my big exercise in the morning, I found opportunities to walk 2 more times for fast 15 mins spurts, and walked at the hospital. This pedometer is so motivating to MOVE all day. I'm THRILLED. Thanks, JAN!!!
  • FOCUS NOT ON WHAT IS, BUT WHAT YOU WANT: Everything is perspective, it's HOW you CHOOSE to view something, from what angle, from what attitude. Positive attitude keeps winning out. Focusing on what i WANT keeps winning out. I am learning that DAILY, and Mom will have to learn that, the hard way, one breath at a time, one step at a time.
  • BREATH, BABY, BREATH! They are taking her off of the ventilator for short spurts to teach her to breath again. She's severely agitated, but she's coming back to us. "Baby steps," i keep telling my dad, "She's taking baby steps." Just like me.
  • WEIGHT LOSS WITH NORMAL EATING, EXECISE, FITDAY.COM, AND POSITIVE ATTITUDE: I lost over 1 lb today. I weigh 295.5 on Tuesday morning. I've lost about 15 lbs, effortlessly, eating what i want. It feels like "effortless effort." Being the one guiding me seems amazingly like the way it SHOULD be. Fitday is my savior.
  • RAW RAW RAW BOOM DEE AYE - Sorry it's not all raw, or even mostly raw. I'm wanting things I haven't had in a long time, in moderation. I'm listening to myself. I'm sure i'll want more raw someday!
  • CALORIES SHMALORIES - FITDAY IS WORKING AND PROMOTES SELF CONTROL! Yesterday, i had just over 2,200 cals. My stomach is shrinking. I'm eating when i'm hungry. I guess i'm not that hungry anymore!
  • SELF GUIDANCE: I'm not on a diet and i don't have a coach. I don't have to fit in a "box" with someone else's standards. I eat what i want, making sane choices for myself. I write EVERYTHING down into fitday and calculate. I can eat as much as i want, but am wanting LESS, that's what's so amazing. It's been just over 2,000 cals for 2 days now. But, i'm not putting the cart before the horse. I AM DRIVING THIS. By body wanted a little over 2,000 cals twice now. INTERESTING! I use "Overcoming Binge Eating" by Christopher Fairburn, as inspiration. I feel FREE.

MONDAY FOOD, a little over 2,200 cals

  • breakfast: watermelon, 137 cals
  • midmorning: kashi and granola cereals, soymilk and fruit, 597 cals
  • light lunch: hummus on a low carb pita with lots of veggies, 230 cals
  • dinner out with cliff: eggbeaters, potatoes, veggies and a slice of rye with jelly and 1tsp of butter, 987 cals (at the most, probably less).
  • snack: yoplait strawberry yogurt, eaten slowly, little bites, yum. 180 cals

    xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

Cosmic said...

Wow! Your making great progress, Michele. I'm real proud of you sista:)