AS HAPPY AS I COULD BE, UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES

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FOOD: Monday, June 28, 2010
Br: Watermelon, 8 cups
Ln: 1 whole wheat wrap with tofu chikn salad and veggies; 1 lo-sugar iced tea
Sn: 1 Jack 'n Jill icecream bar
Sn: 1/2 sandwhich: 1 slice rye, 1 slice cheese, 1 tsp mayo, lots of veggies
D: 1 plain wrap, 1/2 cup eggsalad, lots of veggies
Sn: 1 WW icecream sandwhich
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ENERGY
Today was the first day i felt a surge of energy twice, and a pep in my step. That felt really new and really good.

I do, however, still feel SO HEAVY. I can't believe i let myself get this heavy. It feels SO unfamiliar to struggle to walk, 65 lbs heavier than last summer.

Yet, still, I had energy for the first time I can remember in DAYS, WEEKS, maybe.

I bet the watermelon breakfasts are beneficial and energizing, and the low fat diet and arresting of binge eating certainly are helping.

You have no idea how drained of energy I feel when binge eating. What a stress that is to pack away all of that food. And when i binge, i mean, it's nuts how much i can pack away. It's like there is an endless pit in my stomach that can never be filled no matter how much i stuff in there.

So, for today, not binge eating, but controlling my intake, i kinda can't even believe it, I feel HAPPY, yay. I'm enjoying my newfound freedom with food. Sorry all you raw folks. I'm having fun making choices. Everything is allowed, but I always check calories/fat. I'm always writing everything down. And i'm guilt free. It's pretty awesome.

I'm not counting points as i am supposed to with Weight Watchers because i tend to get obsessed with the counting and lose ME. You know, that actually began to happen on www.Fitday.com where it was like, i suddenly felt out of control, like, i start to see the CALORIES or the POINTS as being in control, instead of ME. My energy gets all misdirected. And then i ended up binge eating.

I do quite a bit of soul or tummy - searching now to ask myself what it truly IS i want to eat. That way, I'm in control. Not the points. Not the calories. Just me. It's truly empowering.

I also use hunger/fullness to guide me towards mealtimes, and i am really enjoying it. When i'm hungry, i go look for food. It's hard to believe there is another way to be, when this feels so natural. I feel blessed.

If i wasn't so fat right now and didn't look so bad and feel so heavy when i walk, and have freakin' swollen ankles, i'd say i was happy with what i'm doing diet-wise today.

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CONTROL
My mom is going through something called "I.C.U. Psychosis." Basically, she's going crazy. It's only temporary, but it's horrendous to watch. My poor mommy. She's been in the hospital for 6 weeks, poked, prodded, operated on twice, in bed, the entire time. She's too weak to get up and leave, but all she wants is to get the hell out of there. She's inconsolably restless, angry, mean, not making sense, not coherant.

One good bit - she weaned off of the ventilator for 7 hours today, yay!

And sat up in the wheelchair, but, i have to say, what i imagined as sitting in the wheelchair is not really what she is doing. This is the first i saw it. It looks like she's laying in bed in the thing. It's like a bed/chair. And they have her legs propped up on a chair, so it just looks like she's laying. She can't find a place for herself and she's hitting and flailing and if she could speak, she'd be cursing.

She wore herself out in the chair and with the breathing on her own, and finally RELAXED and and was pleasant and coherent in bed before she zonked out. She settled down and wasn't nuts and psychotic. I had my mommy back for like 20 mins before she zonked out.

Unfortunately, this is just all a part of the process. According to the nurses, it's quite common, this psychotic state.

This 'psychosis' is caused by not being able to CONTROL anything in your life...and basically you go nuts.

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Interesting how I am with the topic of control. I binge when i feel OUT of control, like I was chatting about above. A binge is kind of like a tantrum. It's irrational. It's completely emotionally driven. It's insane. It's kinda just like my mom in one of these states she works herself up into.

Look at what happens to us when we feel out of control.

What can we do to feel more in control in our lives?

With food, i'm learning ways / strategies to feel more in control - write my food down, listen to hunger signals, check calories, make choices, tune into my desires.

In what other ways do i feel out of control of my life?

This whole thing with mom has REALLY made me feel out of control of my life. No wonder i had constant tantrums. And no wonder why she's having them.

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IRRESPONSIBILITY and HELPLESSNESS
Add to that - No wonder i always feel so helpless and so needing help and like i can't do anything on my own and like I don't have the power. My FATHER is just like that.

We see each other daily now at the hospital and all i hear is him complaining. He's lonely, he's got backpain, he's worried, he doesn't sleep.

"Hey, Dad, why don't you go get a massage, Dad? You'll feel so much better."

"Hey, Dad, why don't you go sit in the hot tub, Dad?"

"Go take a bath, Dad."

"Go walk in the pool, Dad."

"Go over to the clubhouse, Dad, and hang out with your friends."

Excuses. Excuses. "I can't." "I can't." Poor me. Poor me...is all i hear from him.

See? I was raised like that. No wonder i often feel so helpless. The main guy in my life doesn't even know how to be pro-active in his own life or how to be responsible for his own suffering and how to make himself FEEL and DO better. His diabetes is out of control. His blood pressure is out of control. His blood count is outta whack. (he has a mild form of leukemia).

Yet, he doesn't do anything to make himself feel better. And he certainly never taught me to, either.

No wonder I struggle so. I learned that.

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RESISTANCE and SUPPORT
I've been resisting visiting www.RAWFOODREHAB.com because it just looks so darned complicated, even though my friend, Jan, is having such TREMENDOUS success using the site. Let's all give Jan a HUGE BRAVO for her weight loss of 30 lbs doing a mostly raw diet. YAY, JAN!!!!!

And she has really been at me to get on there. I went twice and, ehhh, it looked too hard to navigate. Penny and Raw Food Rehab are starting a new 11-week group, however, soon, and it would be GOOD for me to keep RAW in the forefront of my mind and good to get involved in this!!! That watermelon breakfast is making me feel GOOD, so i'd better keep it up with the raw breakfast at least and continue to partake of as much raw as i can.

I forget that not working at Arnolds Way has really BAD for my RAW MORALE. Having been away is taking it's toll. We, in this community, really need support to get more raw foods in. Otherwise, it's too easy to not.

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So, that's the scoop, ya'll.

Love ya!

xoxo michelle joy
Or "m.joy" as Mikelle likes to call me!!! Hi Mikelle!!!