Thursday, June 3, 2010


Hello there,

How are you all?

Kaitlin sent me two photos from her graduation party in Swarthmore, PA last weekend. Kaitlin is the beauty in the flowered dress, Susan has the white hair, that's me, and Susan's husband, Mark.

My mom is still in ICU. She's very, very weak. The doctor says to just hang in there, that it's going to be a very, very long recovery. Her kidneys are not working as well as they would like. She's all blown up from the trauma of two surgeries. Her urine is not flowing as they'd like it to.

My heart breaks for the situation my mom is in and I'm scared and crying alot. Especially since i do believe the surgery could have been completely avoided. She could have lived the rest of her life very well...(with a little indigestion, maybe)...but she didn't need this surgery. The almost raw diet I put her on made her stomach pains go away, gave her only mildly occasional indigestion, her skin look great, her eyes cleared up, and her belly feel better. The bowel blockage she was experiencing didn't really give her tremendous consequences as long as she ate better. The polyp, we already knew, was benign.

When she would eat very fatty things, food would often "come up on her" when she was on the almost raw diet.

It bothered her that she wasn't 'cured' by the diet. But, in retrospect to what she is going through NOW (possibly dying), living like that was a much saner choice.

I'm angry at my poor mom for wanting the surgery. Her back hurt her worse on the diet (she has a chronic serious back problem). What we didn't know THEN is that the dr believes now she has a tumor on her back. It wasn't the diet making her back feel bad. It was the tumor. She wanted the surgery because she became discouraged with the diet. It was supposed to cure all of her ills...overnight...and it didn't. Her back still hurt. In her mind, that meant, forget this, i want the surgery. Had we known of the tumor, she might still be happily on the diet.

My mother never did have patience. I suppose i've learned that from her.

I'm angry at my dad for pressuring my mother to get the surgery. He didn't like that mom had now taken the focus away from him; her diet took up time she didn't give to him. He wanted her back to the "old ruthie."

Both my parents thought the surgery would be a magic bullet and, poof, she'd be all better. Now, she's laying in a hospital bed working on 3 weeks now. She's on so much pain meds, she's not aware.

I tried my hardest to talk her out of the surgery. You know i did. I moved in there. I took care of her and her diet and her mental state. We talked, i counseled her. Ultimately, she didn't BELIEVE in self healing. And she was in too much pain. "I have to get that thing cut out of me!!!" So, now the polyp is cut out, the bowel blockage is cut out, she still has a tumor on her back she doesn't know about, she still has thyroid tumors, and look at her now, laying in bed like that with all of those tubes coming out of her.

My sadness is profound.

Mom's drainage is less than before, but the color is still not what it should be, so the dr says.

It's a real nightmare and i fear everyday i'm losing my mom. On the diet, she loved, LOVED mangoes in her smoothie. She'd never had a mango before.

Now, i look at a mango, and start to cry.

We just have to hope and pray that she makes it, that her body is strong enough to overcome all of this. That she still WANTS to make it and that she fights.

I pray for angels to heal her, for a miracle to take place, for her bowel to be healed. So many people are praying. Please pray for her recovery.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mom's dire situation has raised me up to a feeling that I can fight and get better, myself. Hell, if i can do it, she can.

Thank you, mom. In your suffering, you're still teaching me.

I'm not anywhere near where I want to be or need to be (probably) with food, but i sincerely believe I'm making progress. My weight is better, I was 300.5 this morning, still. So, even though i ate over 3,000 cals the day before yesterday, and yesterday more than 4,000, it must be so much LESS than what i HAVE been taking in, and i've lost from over 310lbs.

I also sincerely WITHOUT A DOUBT believe the D.E. is helping tremendously. Diatomaceous Earth is a supplement that detoxifies and cleans you out. The brand i've been using is called, "Toxicleanse." The day after i started taking it, my ankle swelling stopped. I began urinating more and I'm eliminating several times a day as well.

I do feel pretty weak, though, as it has kind of forced a detox, even though i'm not eating all raw, so i'm just trying to rest in my down time.

  • BR: Today i had nonfat yogurt and a strawberry/banana smoothie for lunch.

  • SN: For snack i had a banana.

  • LN: For lunch i had steamed veggies and tofu and brown rice with a little soy-sauce based sauce (very, very little).

  • SN: For snack i had an apple, some wine and 4 "Laughing Cow" low fat cheese wedges (35 cals each). They are a good trick i learned from my Weight Watchers days. They are HIGHLY satisfying, but very low cal.

  • DN: For dinner, i had rice, chickpeas and veggies in coconut milk/curry sauce. No added salt. Dessert: 3 small tangerines.

  • SN: 200 calories of "laughing Cow" low fat cheese wedges
  • Binge: 2 cups rice, 1 Tbsp butter, 1 container cozy shack chocolate pudding (850 cals)

Until my late night eating, i had a day that would be a proud day for any dieter. Well, really, any 'normal' person.

I've been sleeping downstairs near the a sort of a security blanket...and late at night, go and eat. I asked myself why i was doing that last night. And the answer was I was scared about my mom. I never know what the next day will be at the hospital. Will she be worse? Better? Gone? I think tonight, i will force myself to sleep upstairs.

As for my food, that most of what i ate is not raw, is OK for TODAY. I see pictures of me when i was looking fabulous and my face was thin and i am working on resisting feeling regret. I"M DOING THE BEST I CAN TODAY. (pic is low 250's last summer). My best may not be good enough, but i am doing better, writing down my food on fitday.

I'm choosing to see any choice i make - and write down - as progress.

It turns out I made DAMN better choices (calorically/fat-wise) than i have been. 140 calories of light cheese is better than 1400 calories of a 6 egg-6 slices of bread-'french toast'-omelette-binge.

Progress, not perfection. [i wrote that before the rice and chocolate pudding binge]. Even so, it's progress.

I don't normally have high blood pressure, but i had it tested at the hospital, and it is dangerously high. 170/100. It is all of the salty fast food binges, so I'm trying to keep the sodium down. Cheese is high in sodium, but i think it was only the 2nd bit of sodium i had today. On my steamed veggies and tofu, i had less than 2 Tbsp of a soy-sauce based sauce. On my dinner, i added no salt except for the salt that is in canned beans, but i washed the beans off. Even in my rice binge, i didn't add salt.

Again, it's improvement, not perfection.

But, no wonder I've had headaches come upon me recently. A large McD's french fries followed by pizza followed by a cheese sandwhich followed by this and that. My binge eating was assaulting my body with sodium and really making me sick.

I know that going full blown raw would eliminate the high blood pressure completely, within days. Believe me, i DO know that.

What i'm doing now is trying to work my way back. I don't have the gumption to go 100% overnight today. Easy and slow is my motto now.

I began to work the "Overcoming Binge Eating" book (by Dr. Christopher Fairburn), again, after many years. The last time i worked it, i didn't binge ONCE in one ENTIRE year.

Fairburn suggests eating a wide variety of foods (I've chosen vegetarian), eating 6 meals a day, keeping food relatively low fat, and writing down your food, your emotions and binges.

I feel like my own coach again since i've been doing this. With each episode of feeling desperately helpless, I teach myself...that i am NOT. I can do this.

Logging my food on has been tremendously empowering these last two days. I feel like i'm taking action. Well, i just don't FEEL like it, I am. I am coaching myself. I'm looking at calories, i'm becoming more aware, i'm being accountable to myself on fitday.

I'm giving myself a caloric limit of 3200 calories. Yes, alot, but, hopefully i won't NEED to eat that much today. [i went over yesterday] I'm trying to stabalize my diet, get out of binge eating, back into meals - even if they're big, and work on reducing portions later. Too much, too soon, and i fear, i'll cave.

I should do like Weight Watchers and lose 2 lbs a week and establish a new healthy binge free diet. What is the sense of losing weight so incredibly rapidly if i only ever gain it back? How about for making REAL change, for once???

Instinctually, i'm coaching myself in the directions i've mentioned. They make SENSE to me right now. I'm going to teach myself to trust myself. Baby steps. I can do this. One baby step at a time. With each success, i'll want more success. I can do this. [this morning so far i've had watermelon, i am going to make a green smoothie now, and hope to continually add more and more raw foods in when i can and am able.]

I'm afraid exercise will have to be the same - baby steps.

Last summer i exercised routinely for over an hour a day, uphill, all over. It was a confident time for me. A blissful time.

Now, i have to build up to that again.

I should start out with a daily 10 mins walk. When i can accomplish that, i can build on that.

Building on success, instead of wallowing in failure.

xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

Cosmic said...

Don't be too hard on yourself, Sweetie! You can and will regain your previous fitness levels, I've no doubt about that!

Think: Baby steps:)