Sunday, June 27, 2010


Hiya Folks,

I had an exhausting day today with mom. She is doing SO much better, but suffering terribly with restlessness. She is just inconsolably restless. I massage her legs, her ankles, do little "physical therapy" type exercises on her legs and feet and arms... She smiles and blows me kisses and seems calmed...and then minutes later, she's flailing again, trying to pull her tubes out, scratch her head, trying to get her arm restraints off, flinging her legs off of the bed. She is just completely and totally restless.

She is having great difficulty lately, also, weaning off of the ventilator. She has a lot of congestion coming up, making it feel terribly difficult to breath (on her own). She is also just the kind of person who is completely prone to being extremely agitated, so trying to calm her feels like it's fighting a losing battle.

Mom can't progress unless she can calm down and allow her lungs to strengthen on their own without the ventilator. She is allowing discomfort to get in the way of her progress. She WANTS to go home ("Please i want to go HOME!," she mouthed to me today). But, until she fights past her resistance, she won't move forward.

Why do we so often fight what will make us better?


Fear of pain.

~ ~ ~ ~

I had a good day, i think, food wise. But, i guess it would depend on who you asked...if it was a good day or not. It's all a matter of perspective, and which persective you have.

Br: watermelon

Sn: lowfat yogurt

Ln: large salad with 1/2 cup chickpeas, some pickled beets, honey mustard dressing; regular (small) icecream sandwhich

Sn: 1 serving Snyder's Honey Wheat Pretzels

Dn: Macrobiotic "turkey" over fresh spinach, carrots, zucchini.

Sn: 1 raw corn on the cob

Sn: banana/strawberry/tahini/agave whip

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I pulled my back and am in some distress with it. I think i'll start exercising lightly again in a day or two when it is feeling better. I twisted today the wrong way and aggrivated it again. I had injured it by sleeping on the sofa. Exercise is what i desperately need, yet i resist. Why do i resist? Fear. Fear of discomfort.

But, i'm already in discomfort. And exercise will likely make me FEEL better.

Maybe i really don't WANT to feel better.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm doing BETTER with my food, and another reason is that I've stopped sleeping on the sofa downstairs (in front of the TV) (and also conveniently STEPS away from the kitchen fridge). I kept telling myself and Cliff that i was sleeping on the sofa so that the TV could lull me to sleep. I was extra agitated since all of this with my mom, and the TV helped stop the constant visions in my head of her suffering.

But, i was really sleeping on the be close to the fridge.

As soon as Cliff would go upstairs to bed, it became a free-for-all in the kitchen.

After my back pulled out from sleeping on the saggy sofa one day too many, Cliff finally put his foot down and insisted I sleep upstairs with him again and ban myself from sleeping on the coach. I resisted. I fought him - "But i'll wake you with my snoring!!!!! I'm doing this to help YOU sleep so you won't have to listen to me!!!" (Since eating regular food, i snore again. On raw, i stopped snoring. He fought back - "I don't care! You are NOT sleeping on the sofa anymore!") I resisted terribly, but finally submitted to his command.

That night, upstairs next to him in bed, i felt a tremendous 'withdrawl' from the fridge....I cried and cried like a baby without a bottle. I felt a tremendous NEED to be comforted by Cliff, which was answered by his loving touch. For at least 30 minutes, he rubbed me and hugged me. I cried. And finally, i felt relaxed and fell asleep.

Moral of the story: I don't NEED food to comfort me at night today. For that i'm grateful.

LESSON: So much of what we do are learned bad habits that don't really work, yet we get caught up in these destructive behaviors and actually fight breaking free of them, when breaking free of them is so desperately what we need. What holds us back from breaking free of them?


Fear of discomfort. Fear of FEELING awful...without stuffing it down with food.

I'm glad i finally did push through. I love sleeping with my babe. And his comfort is calorie free. And with the A/C on, he can't hear my zzzzz's too much.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Cliff questioned my icecream sandwhich today. "Do you really think that's going to help you lose weight?," he asked.

"Well," I answered, "it only has 180 calories and it helps me not feel deprived. It will help me stop binge eating."

He retorted, "For three years, you ate only raw, lost 175 lbs, didn't eat any icecream sandwhiches, and didn't feel deprived."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had to give it to him. I think he won that argument. At the HEIGHT of my WORST binge eating, i sent myself away to a raw retreat - Optimum Health Institute, not just to lose weight, but to STOP binge eating. And i did. For the 8 months that i was at the retreat, i think i binged there about 2-3x - not on cooked food - on raw gourmet food.

[I did eat gourmet raw food FREQUENTLY off campus, as it comforted me and was so extremely delicious, and with all of the exercise i was doing, i STILL lost weight. I lost 140 lbs in 8 months even with eating a decent amount of high fat gourmet raw. I didn't KNOW there was ANYTHING WRONG with gourmet raw. I really believed in it's magic to make me lose weight and stop binge eating. I really believed in it.]

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now i weigh 315 lbs. I've gained 65 lbs since turning from raw over the last, what, 8 months or so? Going off of raw and subsequently gaining all of this weight doesn't seem like such a smart move on my part.

"Aren't you sorry you went OFF of raw?," Cliff asked me today.

"Yes, i am," I had to admit.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I look at my intensely chubbed out face and body in the mirror and i hardly recognize myself. I have not seen myself this fat for almost 4 years.

For OVER 3 years on raw, i didn't go above 300 lbs. I went from 275 to 299.5 when i started to eat Rita's waterice before i ever tried 80-10-10. I began to GAIN weight, once i started to eat COOKED. I didn't really consider Rita's waterice any such huge derivation, but i also freely drank cooked fruit juice and ate roasted nuts. THAT's the FIRST i started to gain.

After that, i went on 80-10-10 and lost all the way down to 249lbs.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Cliff looks at me and says, "Why don't you DO again what worked??? You've TRIED Weight Watchers how many times?????? And you could NEVER stay on it."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He said today, "Don't you think raw was the best thing for you?"

I said, "Yes."

"But," I went on, "i can't get back on it. It's hard. When i first went raw, i went away. It was an effortless transition. Now, i got a taste of cooked, and everytime i go raw lately, i fall right off back into cooked. To go raw and have it stick, I'd have to go back to the retreat...for like a month."

"So you agree that raw was the best thing for you," he asks again.

"Yes!" i answer.

"So how is that icecream sandwhich going to help you?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When i went to O.H.I., i really BELIEVED raw was what i needed. I really believed it would stop the binge eating. And for the most part, it did.

When i came home from O.H.I., and started working in a raw kitchen (with the most incredible raw gourmet stuff available to me all day) binge eating went on overdrive, non stop. But i didn't gain.

For like a YEAR, i didn't gain. Go, ask my friend, Jan.

We talked on the phone weekly, and it always became a topic of conversation about how i would eat like a pig on raw, i mean, non stop all day, and still weighed the SAME for like an entire YEAR.

What the hell was that?

Was i working the Secret and 'believed' myself into not gaining a lb? Or was my metabolism kicked into overdrive from 8 months of walking like 10 miles a day???? Or was it the magic of RAW? Or was i actually taking in less calories than i was burning?

Whatever it was, it stopped working when i started on 80-10-10. I gained like crazy everytime i went OFF of that, 20-30 lbs quickly! But, then i'd take it OFF just as quickly. At least i was managing.

I really believed in raw then. No matter what, i knew i wasn't going OFF of raw.

Then, something changed, i started with beans, they made more sense - less FAT than nuts - but then i couldn't stop there....then it was bread, bread and butter, and the door was open. And everything i hadn't had in 3 years was all of a sudden appealing. I haven't been able to shut that door to cooked food since.


Well, i think i'm either BRAINWASHED, a COOKED FOOD ADDICT or i just plain WANT full FREEDOM with ALL food.

I'm trying to MAKE this work, eating regular food, but everytime i look at myself, i have a hard time believing i'm doing the right thing. It's just a real struggle to believe i'm doing the right thing now when i look so horrendous. I mean, what i'm doing didn't CAUSE me to look horrendous. Binge eating on COOKED FOOD, did.

I've had two experiences with binge eating on raw food. At one point in my journey, i never gained, no matter HOW much raw food i stuffed my face with. And at another point in my journey, i gained like gangbusters from raw gourmet.

No wonder i'm so confused.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It dawns on me that each plan has it's pros and cons, and i'll always be unhappy with SOME aspect of a new plan when the "honeymoon phase" wears off and self doubt sets in.

I want my cake and i want to eat it too. Meaning, i want what i want what i want. I want to eat cooked food. And i want the benefits of eating raw. And i want to be thin tomorrow. And i want freedom. And i want to stop bingeing. And i want to binge when i want. And i want to eat what i want. And i want to eat only raw. And i....blah blah blah.

Never satisfied. And exhausting being ME.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


ACCEPTANCE of where I'm at today (i question my judgement about the directions i choose and experience endless self-doubt).... I need to remember that if i really WANT to eat all raw OR more raw, i am FREE to do that on Weight Watchers.

And ACCEPTANCE of where my mom is at today... She's just fidgety, and i'm not sure there is much i can do about it. I talk to her, i try to comfort her, i massage her until i can't massage anymore...and she's still fidgety.

ACCEPTANCE of where Cliff is at with me today. He doesn't trust this direction. Well, I'm not sure if i do, either, and it's good to have his perspective. He is, afterall, the person closest to me. He either has amazing wisdom, or he's trying to sabotage my new freedom.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When we resist something, like my mom resisting being off of the ventilator because it proves so uncomfortable, it's because we're in FEAR. She's in fear of....choking or dying. The TRUTH is...she won't choke or die. She'll actually get BETTER and STRONGER even quicker - the more she pushes through the resistance.

So, i'm experiencing quite a bit of resistance to my new fabulous FREEDOM plan. What is that resistance trying to tell me? I'm afraid.

OKay, so, is my FEAR founded???

I mean, am i afaid because i'm doing a BAD thing and am OFF TRACK...?

Or am i afraid because new things are scary...and FREEDOM can be scary? Actually letting GO of my fear of food might cure me. Maybe i'm afraid to give up my crutch of binge eating?

Why do it resist going back on raw...if i wish i had never gone off?

Fear. Fear of Deprivation.

Maybe fear of actually getting THIN???? Maybe fear of letting go of SIN? Gluttony IS a sin.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On our journey, we often choose directions that may benefit us or may harm us. I believe we're always trying with good intention to help ourselves. But, we may be misguided.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

All I can say is: Time will tell.

Wish me luck.

xoxo michelle joy

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