Thursday, June 10, 2010

"You Don't Feel Well, But You're Doing Good!"

Hello dear people,

How are you all today?? I hope you're fine and dandy!

Today was a stressful day, but I did well.

Today' Food/Activity (raw items noted with R):

  • Br: R Green Smoothie made with 1/4 mango, 3/4 banana, 1/2 cup strawberries, romaine, water
  • S: 1/2 cup chick peas, R loads of lettuce, R lots of fresh raw veggies, 1 Tbsp of feta crumbles, honey mustard dressing (140 cals), 1 bag of baked chips (140 cals), crystal light
  • S: 1 Skinny Cow Icecream - 170 cals
  • Lu: 280 cals of macrobiotic seitan chicken, R lots of fresh spinach, carrot, zucchini, celery; an 'Hones-tea' - 34 cals
  • Sn: R 160 cals strawberry/peach smoothie
  • Dinner: Tofu wrap (whole wheat wrap, Nayonaise, R lots of fresh raw veggies, R less than 1/4 of an avo, 1 slice baked tofu, mustard, R salsa.
  • R 2 nectarines

    Total cals: 1,880 cals

    EXERCISE: 34 mins of swimming/waterwalking, plus 7,269 steps (3.6 miles) (365 cals spent) including a 15 walk in chestnut hill

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Today was an emotional day for me. I had several spells of crying when i just couldn't stop.

Mom had to get a blood transfusion today, which the Dr. reassured me was not an uncommon thing for someone in ICU. Mom's hemoglobans had gone a bit low, and since tomorrow they are going to try to take her off of the ventilator (yay), she needed all of the oxygen in her blood she could get.

As much as I understood this, I was still so scared, and the tears kept flowing. What if she got AIDS? What if she got Hepatitis? Or went into anaphalaxis as the dr. cautioned? Or was allergic to the blood, which can apparently happen? Sitting outside of Whole Foods after my lunch, I just couldn't make the tears stop. Every old lady I saw, I wanted to hug and call mommy. It was awful. I felt like going home and getting into bed, but i was supposed to go exercise and go back to mom.

Fortunately, I called Cliff. I met my darling in Chestnut Hill for a walk and hug and kiss in between his piano students. Feeling sufficiently comforted, I went to the gym and swam (yay). I was feeling so much better and could be there, again, for mom. I went back to check how the blood transfusion went.

The blood transfusion went fine. No complications. Thank God.

But, when i arrived, Mom was having a new pic line inserted, and she was unmedicated for quite some time. To express the pain she was in, she opened her mouth so wide I could see her tonsils and began heaving, her eyes all squinched, her face red, silently. You can't make noise with a ventilator in you. It was just like a baby wailing, only completely silent. What's worse, was, I didn't understand it. "Nurse, I'm agitating her!" That's when i was told she was un-medicated. "Oh, she's in terrible pain, then!" It was beyond horrible to see her in so much pain, and on top of it, to not have me understand. There I was telling her how great she was doing, what progress she was making.

Soon, the nurse gave her meds and she was resting comfortably.

The more awake and alert mom gets, the worse she feels. She's DOING better, but FEELS worse. I keep trying to make her understand this, hoping to comfort her.

It feels like another paralel between what we are both going through. Before, when i was numbing myself binge eating, I wasn't really present and there with my feelings and emotions. I was anesthetizing myself and stuffing my pain. Now, since i'm eating 'normally,' i'm feeling my feelings. And it's sometimes very painful. I can't help to well up and front of Whole Foods, for instance. Sometimes i'm very anxious. I felt like i was having a panic attack yesterday, eating lunch before i went in to see my mom. I was nervous. Today i felt terrible waves of lonliness.

Yet, I didn't eat my pain away, to stuff it, I cried. I called Cliff. I called my cousin. I got it out. I expelled it. I exercised. Comfort comes in so many more forms than just food. Soon, i felt better - calorie free.

Sometimes I irritate my mom when I intend to soothe her. Maybe i'm not real good at reading signs. She can't talk afterall. To soothe her, i keep telling her how good she looks. Her hair-do has held in for over 3 weeks! With no food/oil in her system to muss it, it looks good, still. Yet, she doesn't want to hear it gets agitated when i say it, as if she doesn't believe me and 'knows' i'm lying.

Saying the 'wrong' thing to her - is akin to 'feeding' myself when i feel pain. It doesn't match.

About being unhappy with body image, i'm kinda right with there with mom. I "know" i've lost weight, i "know" i look better, but it's so freakin' slow and I'm frustrated. When i spotted myself today, again, in a shop window, I wasn't particularly happy, either, with my reflection. I still look so fat to myself. I didn't realize you can see my cellulite through my pants. I had to turn away and NOT look. Ignorance is bliss.

I just keep telling myself, "You're doing good. When you lose the weight THIS time, you won't gain it back!" I'm eating everything i normally eat on binges, so i have no need to binge anymore!

Yet, feeling very emotional today, and not looking particularly fabulous to myself, i could REACT EMOTIONALLY, and say, "F this" and go binge. I could tell myself I need to go back on a "diet," or all raw with no fat and no salt just to get this goddamn weight off. It might work temporarily, but what about when i inevitably go back OFF of raw again...and gain everything back, binge eating voraciously??

Since i broke free from raw 6-8 months ago, there's been no ability to get back on 100% consistently, for good. Try as i did, so many times, it just didn't stick. At some point, a person has to say, "Okay, what is this trying to tell me?" And just GO WITH THE FLOW. Instead of constantly FIGHTING it.

The only problem with 80-10-10 was, i couldn't maintain it. And it made my hair fall out. I always binged free from it - onto gourmet raw, or, lately, into cooked food. And what was really the difference anyway? Cashews are really cooked afterall. And binge eating is binge eating. And it's still destructive and horrible for you. And makes you gain wads of weight. And makes you feel out of control of your own life.

I feel a great sense of mastery now.

So, what is more destructive...a little cooked food eaten in moderation? Or bucket loads all at once for weeks on end, ending in gains of 40 lbs, one drive through after another, money flying out of my pocket? Binge eating is expensive. In more ways than one.

I'm sorry to be where I'm at. It's apparently not where some of you would like me to be. I'm not the happy, perfect, blissed out raw foodist anymore, the huge raw "inspiration," the star of Lisa Montgomery's book, "Raw Inspiration." "I'll never eat cooked food again," I wrote in it, "because i know i can't stop."

I'm the realist, now. I'm doing what i should have done YEARS ago.

I used to have 50 followers on the blog, but someone recently dropped out. I feel SO HORRIBLE about that, but it's no wonder. This IS supposed to be Pure "RAW" "JOY", afterall, and much of my talk lately is about PAIN..., my mother's, and my own, and the majority of what i'm eating today is NOT raw, although i try to consciously make good choices, and alot of what i want and desire IS raw. I'm happy about that. But, i'm tired of forcing myself to do something I don't want to. Because i always rebel that way. I don't have to rebel anymore, now.

I wish i could explain to that person, make them understand how important I feel this work I'm doing now is. I'm CURING MY EATING DISORDER! "By eating poisonous toxic food?" I guess so. I can't put the cart before the horse anymore. I gotta make peace with food, first, before I can improve the quality of it, permanently.

What was the good of going on strict raw spurts, when i would end up devouring bucketloads of anything cooked soon enough? Eating a little every day is actually REDUCING my intake of cooked food! It may not LOOK like it, daily, but, it's GOT to be.

What i'm doing a TRANSITION diet, of sorts. I'm transitioning from being a binge eater. And, F that, if i'm going to apologize for that.

I've got to live in being a "normal" eater before i can move on to being on the most ultimate diet there is.

I hope you all can understand.

It's SO UNBELIEVABLY important to me that i realize I CAN control food. I mean, if you've been here with me, you KNOW that i CAN'T control food. But, here i am, doing it!!!!

It's NOT wheat or salt or sugar that makes a person binge, I've concluded. Because now i eat those everyday and have ZERO, i mean, ZERO drive to binge. It's also NOT having bad food around the house. My house is CHOCK fulla crap now - chips and cereal and bread and butter. And yet, i don't crave it AT ALL outside of meal times. Pretty amazing.

Binge eating is a few things, i think. It's a reaction to extreme dieting. It's an expression of extreme fear of regular foods. And extreme lack of self control. It is a lack of skill in processing emotions. It is a lack of awareness/skill in addressing hunger. Binge eating is extreme FEAR of DEPRIVATION. And extreme lack of self TRUST. is helping OODLES with self control. Counting calories is AWESOME. I am so thrilled with it. And I've given up fear of regular food. Even it it kills me, which it might, haha, i'll make peace with food, so i never have to binge again. And I'm surprised, truly, how frequently i am GENUINELY hungry. And how often i have to eat. And how, before, i never TRUSTED my hunger. If i got hungry, i thought i was BAD, and I binged. Now i think getting hungry is cool. I know i get to eat. I make sensible low-cal choices. I read labels like crazy now. Something about ME being in control and ME setting my caloric limit HIGH did the trick. I'm NOT afraid anymore I'm going to STARVE. I feel that feeling that food is abundant, and everywhere. I'm gaining TRUST. It's an incredible process. I'm so freaking fucking fuck fuck fucking HAPPY.

For today, i'm doing the BEST I know for myself and my situation. All the raw in the world still didn't take away the binge eating. I said in Lisa's book that 80-10-10 took away my binge eating. Well, it didn't when i went OFF of it. I'm working on a PERMANENT solution, now. And, hell, I can always continually add back in more and more raw. If the body really LOVES raw food, it should TELL me that. And i still won't be binge eating because i'll still be having a little bread and a little icecream, too. So shoot me.

This has morphed into a blog about overcoming binge eating and what it's like to have a mother in the Intensive Care Unit, rather than about the joys of being a raw foodist. But, please don't give up on me. There will be more joy to come.

xoxo michelle joy


mikelle said...

give up on you? never! i am HONORED to be one of your readers and GRATEFUL that you choose to share yourself with us. speaking only for myself, i can tell you that you owe me nothing as i owe you nothing. i feel as though i walk with you, alongside you. your honesty is pure raw joy for me and as i may have mentioned before in a comment, is so inspiring for me. you show me valuable lessons about food all the time...for example - vilifying foods somehow gives them power. that is so right and so interesting. vilifying foods is SO DIET. what you are doing now doesn't seem like a diet, it sounds like a lifestyle. you catch yourself when you need to and you put yourself on course each time. you aren't afraid of changing paths midstream if you need to. i admire you so much for who you are, michelle joy. as one of your readers, please know that i support you just as much when you eat green smoothies as i do when you eat bread and eggs. sending you a huge hug.

'Pure Raw Joy'! HELLO TO ALL! said...

Wow, Mikelle, wow. THANK YOU! So many friends of mine in the raw world are SUPER concerned for me. Sometimes I'm concerned for me, too, and wonder if i'm doing the right thing right now, but each time i realize that i'm in a house with challah and rye bread laying out on the table and i only think about it when i'm hungry and deciding if it's what i want to eat, i know i'm doing something important for myself. I'm so honored to have YOU on this journey with me. And it's also just nice to know someone is actually READING this stuff!!! I long to write daily!!! I've actually felt guilty about all of the starting and stopping with plans, with coaches, with mentors, but i'm hangin' in there with this, one day at a time. If i stop binge eating and can lose weight slowly as i am, i can guarantee, i'll be back down to 250 (if my calculations are correct) by September. It's a good goal. I look forward to having you along for the ride! Much love and thanks to you for your unwavering support. xoxo michelle joy