Wednesday, June 23, 2010



It's quite early on Wednesday morning.

I've been in a "relapse." Old O.A. terminology, but it fits.

What do i want? What do i want? What do i want?

Every morning I awake with new resolve, and then succumb to binge eating. What I want at those times is to eat. Alot. And not stop.

Just days ago, i was doing and in control. I got frustrated. I threw a fit by stuffing my face and now i weigh much more than 292. This all doesn't make 'sense.' It's way beyond making sense.

In a very big way, i feel, emotionally, alot of fear right now. My mother is so much better, but has a fever again. And fever means infection. And the last time she had a fever, her drainage tube was clogged and she almost died. I'm so scared. It's like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, i can't allow myself to be happy that's she's doing so much better, because i'm scared it won't last, again. This would be the 4th time for her nearly dying in 5 weeks if something goes wrong again. Mom's still in I.C.U., she's completely awake, out of the induced coma, she's smiling, she's mouthing words (can't talk yet with the trache in). She weaned off of the trache for 4 hours yesterday. I should be happy for the progress, but i can't stop being scared about the fever. What does it mean? Is she clogged again?

... I just called there. She has a fever of 101.

I'm crying and I feel desperately scared.

Please pray for me. Please pray for my mom.

xoxo michelle


Shannon said...

I am not a Christian, but I read this little, tiny Christian based book a long time ago that addressed the spirit of gluttony and how it had a mind of its own. The book is called "The Diet Alternative" by Diane Hampton. You should be able to find it on Amazon. It is not a book about any diet, but it's about addressing the sin of gluttony. It truly helped me. I will send prayers up for yourself and your mother. Blessed be.

Jess said...

Based on the past few weeks, vegetarianism is what seemed to work the best. A relapse does not mean that you failed or that you have to try some other plan. Just accept that you had a mess up and keep moving forward.

mikelle said...

you will get through this and you will be ok. take it one minute at a time if you need to and don't forget to breathe! sending love and light to you and your mom