Wednesday, June 2, 2010


It dawned on me that if I can't get my act together with my eating...what does that teach my mom, who is going to have the hardest fight of her life ahead of her - recovering from 2 major a row within 2 weeks?? If i can do what feels impossible (getting my eating back in order)...she can do it (recover).

As she lays in ICU, in critical condition, hooked up to tube after tube, a machine breathing for her...I remind myself I have to be strong for ME and for HER. I'll have to be there for her daily and I'll have to remind her to be strong. We'll both have to be strong. How can i encourage her to push through...if i haven't even been able to do it myself???

I started out the day well with green smoothie. That felt like a success already.

I did about 10 loads of laundry, catching up from weeks of neglect during all of the catering, etc.. Just doing laundry felt empowering. If i can complete a load...i can do anything. Sounds nuts, but for a person feeling defeated...just completing a task makes you feel like you're a human again, and able to do what you tell yourself you'll do.

I got hungry, and I had some leftover raw pesto pizzas. They filled me and satisfied me. I was aware that my "hunger" turned off.

Unfortunately, that thing in me, that little ticker that gets ticked off, did. I kept going...into cooked food territory. I scrambled up some eggs and bread and oil, 3 eggs, 3 slices of bread.


I did my best to NOT get carried away in the current I had just created. I refused to allow this day to veer any more out of control as so many other days have. I logged everything I ate onto right afterwards. Doing that made me feel like I was taking action, even though my behavior (eating) was not in control. At least I logged it. THAT's a first step. And that's a way of initiating control. I felt like a success. Funny how a binge can be turned around by taking positive action.

Logging my food, I was stunned. No wonder I've gained so much recently. That egg/bread/oil binge cost me around 1400 calories.... 1400 cals is probably what i should be eating for the entire DAY. But, it's GOOD to become aware, although truthfully it feels kind of nausiatingly scary to be honest on when i've not been "good," but i've got a new attitude: I'm going to log my food, and just take baby steps to wellness. All or nothing has obviously NOT been working for me under the circumstances I'm under: enormous stress.

I allowed myself to feel the fear...and to still continue logging even when the calories kept climbing and climbing.

My instinct is always to hide my head in the sand and to not look, don't confront. But, i took action. I became aware. And it wasn't that hard, or that bad. It was a BEGINNING.

My goal for today is to not eat more than 3200 calories. I'm at a little over 2700 now from just a smoothie breakfast and 6 slices of bread and 6 eggs and 1/3 cup of fry oil. Frighteningly true. But, I'm CERTAIN in the weeks prior, i've been eating at least 2 or 3x that daily, so this is actually me doing alot BETTER. This is actually me doing GOOD... FOR TODAY, that is. Funny how good for me last summer....doesn't apply today. I can't seem to get there overnight. It's gonna have to be babysteps.

Heck, I've got to start SOMEWHERE. It's certainly not where i wanted to be today, but it's all i'm apparently capable of at the moment. I had planned on eating all raw and on drinking green smoothies all day, but then i got hungry, had the pesto pizza, and then something in me said..."Go." At least I was able to halt the binging this time. Do you realize that that feels like a huge triumph for me???

As i was making the 2nd scramble, i said to myself, "What the hell are you doing again?? I guess you're really NOT okay with how you feel about your mom. You're really NOT at peace with things, are you, if you're here doing THIS again???" Having THE awareness that i was obviously eating emotionally kinda woke me up. This morning i felt so oddly peaceful with my mom's situation. "If it's her time, i'm at peace with that." I think it was just a protective mechanism....a detachment. I was obviously NOT so calm, or i wouldn't need to EAT like that.

I think binge eating disconnects me from my body, from my the point that i don't even know what i'm feeling anymore.

I allowed myself to feel the rest of the day, and to pray for my mom and to feel badly about her suffering and laying there like that.

Awareness is not always pleasant, but needed, if we are to move forward. With one step at a time, i can IMPROVE my habits. I may not completely eliminate them overnight like i have so many other times, but i can get inch at a time. Just like my mom will have to.

xoxo michelle joy

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