PROGRESS! PROGRESS?

I'm on the right track, it seems - I weighed in at 296 3/4 this morning. (And that was with a boca burger for dinner...a former BINGE food...that i ate quite "normally." ) I've lost over 13 or so pounds...without even really TRYING since logging my food into http://www.fitday.com/, where I had several days of over 3,000 cals.

Here's my Food report from yesterday, which produced an over 3 lbs loss in one day, pretty awesome:

Br: Watermelon: 228 cals

SN: leftover green smoothie: 100 cals

Lu: big raw salad with 3/4 cup white beans, raw homemade low fat avo dressing and raw sunflower seeds: 543 cals

SN: 3 nectarines and 1 banana: 170 cals

DN: 2 boca burger patties on 1 bun, 1 slice provolone, lettuce, tomato, onion, 2 tsp mayo, a little ketchup and mustard: 698 cals

SN: iced tea and 2 tbsp hummus made with raw tahini: 257 cals

TOTAL: 2005 cals

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The progress I'm making with my eating disorder, is quite astounding. I'm really eating NORMALLY - vegetarian. I'm in control. Logging my food and counting the cals has given me amazing amounts of awareness and self control out of the wazoo. I'm allowing myself anything vegetarian that i want, as long as i log it, even if i have to eat 4,000 cals. All of a sudden, binge eating is a thing of the past. I'm not dieting. I'm living. It's pretty freaky and i really like it. What's so amazing, is i'm actually losing weight! And excited about exercise.

I've tried a BAZILLION times in the past to "legalize" cooked food to not good results. Why is this working now? I've tried Weight Watchers numerous times, trying to eat a little of this and a little of that and never being able to maintain control, but somehow, now, things seem to be working.

I think a KEY is ACTUALLY that i am ALLOWING myself a large amount of calories. So i don't feel deprived. On Weight Watchers, you only get like 1800. If I allow myself 3,000 or even 4,000..., walk away from meals feeling satisfied, and then actually lose weight, i'd be an idiot not to keep on this track.

I'm pretty certain the Diatomaceous Earth is really helping with the weight loss. The brand i use is called "Toxiclease" and i guess it's living up to it's name and it's cleaning me out. I mean, how can a person eat so many calories...and STILL lose weight???

Unless I had just been eating so many MORE calories than that, that over 3,000 was actually quite a reduced caloric quantity, forcing a weight loss.

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I had a hard time falling to sleep last night. I was very disturbed and haunted about my mother's situation, about my part in it all and what everyone thinks about the cause of her situation - ME and the "awful" almost raw diet I put her on. They're all convinced I weakened her.

I thought the almost raw diet was STRENGTHENING her immune system - NOT weakening her.

What is the truth?

As far as sleep goes, i didn't THINK i'd get any last night. My head just would NOT stop. All i can say is, at some point, i had to force myself to stop THINKING about mom and get back in my BODY....into the present moment....not in my thoughts of the past...or fears of the future. I learned how to do that from meditation [ ,and it's a skill my father is going to have to learn.]When i did that, i finally fell asleep. [I suppose the best way to explain it is, you bring your total awareness to your body and get out of your head, out of your thinking, which keeps you awake].

There is nothing I could have done anyway last night for my mom. I need my SLEEP so that i can be present for her and give off healing positive vibes and energy.

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Every person I talk to has their opinion on how my mom is doing. My brother said "she made great strides today." My cousin said, "Nothing was better." The doctor said, "She's a little better everyday." My father keeps blaming me.

I wasn't able to be there with her today. Today was Cliff's student piano recital.

It got me thinking about PROGRESS, and how it can SEEM like someone is making NONE...when in actuality, they are. A person can give up hope thinking they're not making progress. When i was doing the green smoothie revolution, that's exactly how i felt - it was LOTS of effort, no satisfying meals for most of the day, for little return (i didn't lose any weight the 2nd week), and i discontinued it. Whether i was in actuality making little progress is unknown, but it was my opinion of the situation.

Now, i feel the opposite, i'm shocked at how LITTLE effort i'm using and how big my progress is. Basically eating what i WANT...AND losing weight?????

I walk around everyday now feeling like such a huge success. I feel so happy. [Feeling happy while my mother is laying suffering is bizarre, i know, and i can't explain why i'm thriving when i should be a mess. All i can say is...something about her situation has woken me up. I know i MUST make progress daily...because she will need to...and i have to teach her that.]

The pedometer has made a tremendous difference in how i feel about moving and about exercise. ONE little step is PROGRESS...so i GLADLY take it.

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FOOD TODAY - Sunday, June 6, 2010

br: 2 cups watermelon

lunch: 2 boca burgers 120 cals each, 1 bun, a little mayo, lettuce, tomato, onion, 1 sl provolone cheese - 700 cals total

9 rice chips 140 cals

LUNCH TOTAL 840 cals. [note to self: After 1/2 of the boca burger lunch, i could have been satisfied, perhaps with another bulky low calorie side dish.]

EXERCISE: 3.3 miles walk this morning
Total: 10, 258 steps!! Over 5 miles total!!! and almost 500 cals burned

SN: at the recital: banana slices, carrots and hummus, orange sections (couldn't count the cals....as i didn't measure anything, but i was totally in control, pretty amazing)

Dinner: chinese buffet: less than 1/2 cup of noodles, all veggies and sauce; veggie plate with asparagus, green beans, greens, mushrooms, big slice of sweetened sweet potato and non-sweetened tea; about 1/4 cup of icecream. SO SATISFIED and completely in control. Also could not count the cals and totally okay with that.

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Progress is really so freaking SUBJECTIVE. Here i am HAPPY to NOT be binge eating, to be eating normally and losing weight. When every raw foodist reading this is probably mortified that most of what i ate today is cooked. So, go figure.

And I did for my mother what i thought was HELPING her, not hurting her, and now...everyone is blaming me for hurting her. I THOUGHT she was making GREAT progress, feeling better, looking better.

Now, some family members say she's making no progress, some say, "great strides," some say, "she's the same." One doctor says, "a little better," the nurse says, "She's fine, she's holding her own."

EVERYONE has an opinion, and like Cliff says, "Opinions are like Assholes, everyone has one."

I just said to my cousin, we have to continue to focus on WHAT WE WANT ala the SECRET...for my mom, to NOT look at WHAT IS...and how awful it is...but to look at her through the eyes of a positive attitude.

Just like Cliff was expressing today - some of his students, somebody might have looked at and said, "THEY'RE HOPELESS." He teaches an autistic boy. He's made PROGRESS! But someone may have heard him today and said, "what little progress he's made" not knowing he's autistic.

A person can look at something and decide it's a peice of shit or look at something and decide it's a work of art. HOW do we look at things? How does he look at students? He sees their potential. How do we look at my mom's situation?

Is the doctor filing us with false hopes to say he thinks mom will pull through? Or will she really, and we just have to BELIEVE it?

Every positive report I get i'm hanging onto for dear life. Someone's fears about my mom color their attitude, color their opinion of her progress. We have to detach emotionally...and we have to focus on the positive.

I feel i'm making progress...and so is my mom. If she really ISN'T and it's time for her life to end, that's God's decision and not mine. If you don't think i'm making progress, you're crazy, but that's your opinion!!!!

xoxo michelle joy