SOMEBODY ELSE

"I used to be somebody
But now I am sombebody else
I used to be somebody
But now I am sombebody else
Who I'll be tomorrow
Is anybody's guess

What was thought to be the right way
Turned out the wrong way afterall
What was thought to be the right way
Turned out the wrong way afterall
What i took to be the high road
Was only leading to a fall"

"SOMEBODY ELSE," sung by Jeff Bridges, from the movie "CRAZY HEART"

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Morning,

Man, I just can't stop listening to my favorite CD from "Crazy Heart", the movie, LOVE IT! I don't even LIKE country music, but it is the most fabulous CD. The songs really talk to me. I've referenced them here before. I suppose that's because Jeff Bridges character in the movie is an addict and I just really relate.

I feel like a certifiable schizophrenic. Or is it someone with multiple personality disorder???? Every week it's another plan. I abandon every one i start. This one's better. No, this one's better. NO, THIS one. Wait, THIS one.

I guess you could say THEY all have merit. They ALL have pros and cons.

I do it only long enough to realize, "hey, this isn't all it's cracked up to be...." and abandon ship.

A few cons I noticed with my fabulous vegetarian moderation were low energy, consistently swollen ankles, greasy hair and skin (on raw i could go without washing my hair a week, now i'm back to daily, or i look like a grease pit), quick weight gain, and overall higher weight "set-point".

I know, I go over in my mind, over and over, and on this blog, what i've done diet-wise over the last (almost) 4 years, and re-iterate it alot here, but somehow it helps me and I think it's quite instructive...it's proof...of what really worked, HOW it worked, what i did, what i didn't do.

1. 8 Months at the raw retreat. I went weighing 425lbs and left weighing 285. I walked my BUTT off there, and swam daily. I ate the retreat food - VERY lowfat raw, with a focus on vegetables and sprouts. We ONLY ate fruit for breakfast (a huge slice of watermelon). While there, i ate frequently at the raw restaurants (but only ever 1 full complete meal a day). Sometimes i went 1x/week. Other weeks, i went 3-4x/week. The rest of the day, then, i usually didn't eat anything. I still exercised my butt off. Usually, for 3 days following eating gourmet, i would go salt-free and back to the saltfree lowfat retreat food before getting weighed. I lost consistently. I lost 140 lbs after 8 months. After eating gourmet raw, i always gained 3 lbs.
2. I came home and got the job at Arnolds Way. My metabolism was still running HIGH, and I was still swimming and exercising daily. I weighed 285 lbs. I began binge eating at Arnolds immediately, only subsisting on gourmet raw. I happily ate like a pig all day, but somehow lost 10 lbs still over time. I was still exercising daily, and after a year, still maintained my weight at 275lbs for a long time. I really BELIEVED raw food was a miracle cure, that i could eat like a pig and either stay the same or lose slowly. I continued to have hemmorhoids (excrutiatingly painful), which were probably a detox symptom, or a symptom of overeating nuts. Betaine HCL helped them tremendously.
3. I started adding in Rita's waterice and cooked seaweed salads and little "cheats" - roasted nuts and cooked fruit juices. Exercise died out and it was months since i'd moved. I gained up to 299.5 and said, 'this is nuts, i can't let this happen to me.'
4. I went on 80-10-10 and lost down to 249. The 80-10-10 diet is hard, but while you're on it, you're strangely content and satisfied because of the quick results. I restricted bananas to 1 per day as i was instructed on rawfoodbootcamp.com. But, I could never stay on 80-10-10 for too too long, and once I'd get a taste of gourmet, wo, i'd dive in face first. I'd gain 20, 30+ lbs and then re-lose it on 80-10-10. Nevertheless, i routinely re-visited the low 250's over and over and over again. I liked how i looked. I exercised crazy walking hills in Manayunk. I felt like i had a way to lose when i needed to, but couldn't seem to break the 250 barrier again. I also felt zero control over binge eating, but 80-10-10 was used as a respite from binge episodes. I only binged on gourmet raw, never cooked.
5. At some point, i surmised it was all of the nuts holding me up from losing down below 250. I ate cooked beans at Susan's house and soon discovered Dr. Fuhrman's book (i lost 18 lbs) eating cooked vegetables and beans and thought this was "IT". You get to eat like a pig, as many veggies and beans as you want and still lose weight. No salt on his plan. The second week of the plan, i got bored and discouraged. I didn't lose anymore. I was not exercising.
6. Soon, i binged on regular cooked vegetarian and gained it all back. Things kinda went nuts after that binge eating regularly on cooked vegetarian.
7. I tried Carlene's program eating low fat with eggbeaters and cooked veggies but still alot of raw. It seemed like a pretty good plan. I was exercising daily. I hated that i looked so puffy in pictures, though. I liked how lean i'd looked on saltfree raw. Anyway, Carlene was nuts and i got turned off to her and continued binge eating vegetarian.
8. For like 8 months, i binged regularly on cooked gourmet food. I gained up to 311 lbs.
9. I called Arnold and did the green smoothies feast for 2 weeks. The first week, I lost like 20+ lbs of water weight and food in the gut, used bananas freely in my smoothies, and then the 2nd week, lost nothing. I wasn't exercising. And bananas (caloric 100 cals each) are not great diet foods for people with slow metabolism like me. Eat 20 bananas and that's 2,000 calories. Wiry types like Arnold can eat bananas out the wazzoo and still lose weight.
10. I abandoned the smoothies and tried eating vegetarian in moderation using fitday.com to count my calories, and exercising. I lost down to 292-ish. It felt like the perfect solution, until i got discouraged with the slow pace of the weight loss and my inability or resistance to eating less than over 2,000 calories. I was enjoying what i was doing and wanted it to work. I chose low fat foods, and on one day, when i wanted something high fat and didn't allow myself to have a small portion, i binged.
11. That was 3 days ago, and i've just had two days of binge eating with no exercise. I weigh 305 again. I've still lost 120 lbs, but don't feel like a big success. I don't know what to do now. Go back to the slow vegetarian way??? The one GREAT thing about it was how food started looking...not so frightening to me. We had all of this shit in the house and it never appealed to me until i was hungry. Even now, my binge eating yesterday was not even that BAD because nothing really looked all that attractive. Loaves of bread in the fridge? Big deal. I've been eating bread, so i wasn't so 'hungry' for it.

So, here i am questioning, "Who the hell am i today?" The raw foodist? The cooked foodist? The girl who wants to lose weight quickly? Or slowly? The girl who can't live without treats, icecream bars and chips and wants a little of everything? Or am i the dieter who thrives on deprivation and quick weight loss, who won't touch a THING off of her program, knowing that if she did, she wouldn't be able to stop? Am i the 80-10-10'er abandoning salt to lose quickly, or the Nigella-Lawson-fan who adores her butter and salt? Am I in control using fitday and writing down my food, or am I the rebel who binges out of every plan, abandoning exercise and fitday???

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I think the only thing that's remained a constant on every plan I've been on, is: 1) i lose consistently when i exercise 2) i'm still a binge eater, basically no matter what plan i'm on (i didn binge a few times on gourmet at the raw retreat) 3) i have multiple "diet" personalities and seem to swing back and forth. Maybe that's just ME? Angela Stokes does weeks/months of juice feasting. And then she's eating more gourmet. And back to juicing. But, she never finds FAULT with it, like there's something WRONG with her that she can't maintain juicing or maintain her weight loss on alot of gourmet. She seems to just go with the flow. Why can't i do that?

Maybe i just ACCEPT ME and just try to do the best i can for my health and weight?

I do know I don't particularly enjoy weighing 300 again, oops, 305. And not being able to fit into my pants really SUCKS big time. I don't even recognize myself anymore when i look in the mirror when i'm out at the hospital or in a store and look in the bathroom mirror. I'm like, "Who IS that fatter lady????"

I haven't been this fat...in the 300's since the raw retreat almost 4 years ago. I don't LIKE it.

YES. Eating whatever I wanted had it's merits. Believe me, it felt great to be relatively 'normal.' To go to the hospital cafeteria and just be semi-normal like everyone else.

But, walking my ass off and getting little outcome didn't feel that great. Now if i would have stuck with it, i'd have lost, probably, v e r y slowly, ultimately, and weighed soon in the 280's, probably. But, something in me doubted it, like i enjoyed eating the amount i did. I didn't want to EAT LESS to lose more. I really had a melt down about the whole concept.

All i know is, i feel like SHIT today. My legs feel like they weigh 2 tons. I could barely get my big load of a body up the steps to go to the bathroom. And I have to wash my hair again and i just washed it yesterday. Ridiculous!

Anyway, pray for me. I hope i make a good decision for myself today. I made a big green smoothie for breakfast and am just trying to go with the flow.

"I used to be somebody, but now i am somebody else. Who i'll be tomorrow, is anybody's guess." SOMEBODY ELSE from CRAZY HEART

xoxo michelle joy