Life's not easy around here in the Schulman/Bolt family, but things are progressing well with me and my diet/eating disorder, and things are progressing well with my mom's recovery from 2 surgeries within 2 weeks of one another.
More on mommy later, first, here's what i ate today (R stands for Raw Food). Good news, i lost more weight, i lost the pound I gained from my period, plus more. I weigh 294 3/4 this morning from over 310 when i was binge eating. It's coming off slowly, but permanently.
- Br: R Green Smoothie with mango, strawberry, romaine, banana: 517 cals
- Sn: 1/4 of a deli bagel with regular chive cream cheese: 135 cals
- Ln: HUGE wrap with R tons of fresh veggies and 1 slice of provolone cheese and 1/2 Tbsp of mayo; 1/4 cup chocolate icecream: 366 cals
- Sn: bag of baked chips and a R fruit smoothie: 300 cals
- Sn: 2 slices of baked tofu and 2 handfuls of lowfat popcorn: 240 cals
- Dn: Eggwhites Omelette with lots of veggies (mushrooms, spinach); 1/2 Tbsp of parmesan; 1 veggie burger: 282 cals
- Sn: R Strawberry/Almond Milk smoothie: 3 rice chips; 210 cals
- TOTAL CALS: 2,050
- EXERCISE: 30 mins swimming laps and water walking at the pool. Forgot my pedometer today!!!
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Mom was off of the ventilator for like over 6 hours today!! They're very happy with her progress. She's weaning off of it, unhappily, not comfortable or content in the least, very much struggling and sad and pained, yet she is doing a great job, and exhausted at the end of the day. I love you, mommy.
The nurse hopes tomorrow that they can try to take her off of the ventilator for good. 9 days, it's been for her, without talking. Could you imagine her frustration not being able to express herself????
I'm doing well with my swimming and am constantly working on improving my breathing - how many strokes i can do before i need to breath, how to breath more efficiently, how to breath better when i do my turn at the end of the lap. Swimming is so meditational, breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out, airbubbles clouding my face under water. Not a happy little fish today, but my lungs are tired. I feel sad recognizing the paralel with me and mommy. The only difference with her struggle to breath is, she's fighting to breath on her own and is fighting to rebuild her lungs. I'm just swimming for exercise. Poor mommy doesn't even understand what the nurses are asking her to do. She's still heavily medicated and out of it.
Melancholy follows me around all day today. I couldn't shake it.
Mom is letting go of more and more urine. Her bloating is going down, but it is still significant. Her poor little hands are like huge chubby mitts. She can hardly move them. I kiss and hold them. Sometimes she responds. Tears fall from my eyes and i turn my face so she can't see.
Being in the water is calming to me. But not easy. I didn't want to exercise, but pushed through the resistance. If she can push through, so can I. I could only manage 32 mins today, though i wanted to aim for an hour.
My poor mother has not eaten in over 3 weeks. They are feeding her intraveniously.
I am working hard to overcome my binge eating disorder, and I really feel like i am making huge headway. I'm allowing myself ANYTHING i want (vegetarian). Cliff is letting go of control and fear as he sees I can and am controlling myself.
Eating vegetarian may not be 'healthier' for me, but soon i will be able to make that CHOICE for myself. Going raw before wasn't even a matter of choice when i weighed 425, it was a matter of life and death. And i KNEW if i ate cooked food, i couldn't stop.
I'm in a different place now. I'm learning i CAN stop. When/If i go back to more raw, it will be because i want to, not because i 'have' to.
I'm eating high volume, generally low fat, except for when i want the real thing. And amazingly, a little seems to hit the spot. Imagine, 1/4 of a bagel with full fat cream cheese. So beyond yum. And that was enough.
I couldn't be doing so well without http://www.fitday.com/. Otherwise, without calories to keep me in check, how would i know when to stop??? I mean, I do eat when i'm hungry and am working on stopping when i've had enough, but if i didn't have calories to always come back to, what would stop me from eating the whole bagel with wads of cream cheese? I think i would just start binge eating again. The whole bagel with cream cheese would be a choice, but a highly caloric one, and then i'd have less calories left to eat, later, and i'd probably get hungry.
Eating high volume, lower fat, you get to eat all day, and you're full. I'm lovin' it.
xoxo michelle joy