Tuesday, June 15, 2010


FOOD/ACTIVITY: Tuesday, June 15, 2010
BR: 3 cups watermelon
Sn: Large Green Smoothie: dinosaur kale, 3 small bananas, 1 peach, 1 cup strawberries
Sn: 2 (80-calorie) lite Dannon yogurts
LN: Quizno's veggie sub meal: small veggie sub, light on the dressing and guacamole; bag of Lay's Baked Chips; diet mountain dew soda
DN: Veggie Hot Dog Feast! 1 Tofu pup in whole wheat bun with ketchup, mustard, onion; homemade potato salad (1/2 med potato, tofu mayo, onion, homegrown parsley, mustard, raw honey, sea salt, raw vinegar); 2 tbsp baked beans; sauerkraut (sauerkraut, applejuice, fresh homegrown sage and mustard); small plain corn on the cob
Sn: Skinny Cow Fudgey bar; eggbeaters, veggies 'n cheese (eggbeaters, 3 cups spinach, 2 triangles laughing cow lofat cheese, parm cheese, ketchup) HUNGRY!
TOTAL CALS: 2,190 cals

Exercise: 9, 942 STEPS, 5 miles total (570 cals burned) which included a long over 3 mile walk home from the gym. Plus: 15 minute hard swim, laps, at the pool

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Mom's improved today. She had a good day. Her blood pressure is stablized. Her pulse is good. Her urine output is improved. Her drainage tubes are draining. Her color is improved.

She doesn't look good, you know, all of the tubes, all blown up again, and it's hard to see that, but i force myself to SEE PAST that, to see how I WANT her to look soon, to see the potential, to focus on the the little steps forward, instead of wallowing in the pity of the situation. Yet, it sneaks up on me, often, and i have to try to stop dwelling on the horror, but focus on what i want for us for the future - you know, working the Secret - trying to manifest her health - i play visions of mom at home recouperating in my mind, us walking together, mom with short grey hair walking me down the aisle at my wedding (we can't wait to give her a make over), all of us celebrating and dancing the Hora. When i think like this, my mind stops whirling, I stop crying, my sorrow is lifted and my heart is hopeful.

Thursday they are give her a tracheotomy. They say it will help her healing. A person cannot stay intubated for too long before there are issues with the esophogus eroding. I'm scared for how she might react to this, when she discovers it (you can't talk or eat without closing over the opening), but it will help to save her life and encourage her recovery. Again, trying NOT to focus on the scary, uncomfortable side, but on it's ability to bring my mommy back. If it will save her life, i hope she will be amenable. The trache, of course, is reversable, as the nurses keep assuring us.

Mom slept all day. She's in the induced "coma" again, sedated. On the one hand, i'm grateful. She's not aware of her suffering today. On the other hand, i wish she'd open her eyes and say, "i love you" and kiss me, as she had been just days ago when she was doing so well, before this last unfortunate setback.

But, today is another day. She's not where she was. And i must accept. And have peace about it. Take THIS day for what it offers. No comparing. No complaining. Just gratitude she's still HERE.
I'm so relieved that she is not declining, but stablized. I pray she can continue to make progress forward...and do like she did before...baby steps....and then shazamm, she had the ventilator out and she was talking and joking and working her way out of being in I.C.U.

"You just gotta do it, Mom. Do you know how many people are praying for you? You just gotta do it, just gotta hang in there, daily, and just make a little progress forward every day."

"You know, i'm going to accept God's Will, whatever that is for you, but I gotta pour all i have into convincing him of a miraculous healing for you. I love you, mommy."

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I'm hanging in there. Praying all day with every breath i have for my mother's recovery. Trying to do good with myself as a way of living and breathing HOPE.

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Our tomato plants are producing babies! We feel like proud parents. Soon we will be happily eating our children! Our first two tomato buds, we named Ruthie and Bernie, after my parents. We now have at least 20 buds between our three giant tomato plants on the patio, but Ruthie and Bernie are the biggest :-)).

The MIRACLE of Life, the miracle of love, continues to amaze me. A little water everyday, a lotta sun, some dirt, a little baby plant.....and now we have these HUGE plants with babies.

Thank you, Creator, for the miracle of LIFE. Seeing new growth and new life daily sustains us and gives us hope.

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Each day that God gives us - is a gift. I'm so grateful to still have my mother. I'm grateful to feel closer to my brother, who visits her daily and who i run into every night there. I'm so grateful to my beloved Cliff for his amazing unwavering love and support. I'm grateful my dad seems less angry at me.

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Did you ever hear the one: "How do you eat an elephant?"

"One spoon at a time."

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If we looked ahead at what we need to accomplish, be it losing a hundred pounds, or getting out of I.C.U., or coming home after surgery, or climbing a mountain, or stopping binge eating, or just going for a walk, or doing our exercise, we can't IMAGINE often that we can accomplish it.

But, day by day, minute by minute, with each choice we make to take ONE STEP forward, if we just put ONE foot in front of the other, all of those steps add up to big progress forward, and what we can accomplish is amazing. We may not see our own progress, but every baby step adds up to big steps.

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Never give up on you. Never give up on people you love. Keep praying. Keep moving forward. Keep making healthy choices. Keep focusing on what you WANT and not on the misery of the situation - or the misery that is LIFE around us every day. There is SO MUCH suffering.

But, suffering is sometimes necessary to get to the next step. It's painful, but we have to be strong.

Everyone has their own version of my mom's situation. We all have BIG JOBS ahead of us. We all have to CHOOSE to see the positive. We all have to accept some amount of pain in the process of growth, and CHOOSE to treat ourselves as well as we can and do the very best we can. And CHOOSE to do a little every day in the right direction. Walk. Write down your food. Drink a green smoothie. Listen in. Process your feelings. Eat when you're hungry. Be grateful for any and every success. Focus on the positive.

When someone is sick, it changes suddenly how you look at the world. Every day is a gift.

Make yours a good one.

xoxo michelle joy

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