Exercise Yesterday: 12,988 steps (burned 679 cals), total of 6.5 miles, which included a 4 mile walk in the morning.
Food from Friday, June 11, 2010
* Anything Raw is noted with R
* Cals are calculated through www.fitday.com
BR: Granola and Kashi Cereals, mixed, soymilk and a R nectarine: 408 cals
SN: Fruit smoothie (R fresh pineapple, R fresh strawberries, R 1/2 ba-nanner, 1/2 cup apple juice, filtered water): 226 cals
LU: Big Whole Wheat Wrap stuffed with R fresh spinach, R carrots, R tomato, R onion, 1 slice of baked tofu, 1 slice provolone, "Nayo-naise," mustard; a side of rice chips: 610 cals
SN: Sample at Wegman's while shopping - small thin slice baguette, .25 oz chedder, 1 tsp apple jelly: 57 cals approx
DN: Big Salad at the hospital - R lotsa lettuce, R carrots, R cucumber, R tomato, R onion, tofu chunks, honeymustard dressing, small bag of pretzels: 552 cals
SN: 1 raspberry yogurt and 1 serving popcorn (3.5 cups): 292 cals
Total cals: 2,265
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How are you all doing today???? Me??? Ehhh....well, I'm doing good, but I awoke with a huge grey cloud over my head. I cried a little, Cliff comforted me, and I'm feeling somewhat relieved of it.
Well, if you want the short version: It's not easy having a mom in Intensive Care.
For the long version, here we go: Mom had her ventilator taken out yesterday and can talk again (yay). It's just so sad to see her struggle to talk (her voice is terribly sore), see her lips quiver (i'm not sure if she's in withdrawls from medications or if it's just nerves), to see her in pain and wanting to get out of bed and go home ("Bernie, let's go home now,") she must have said to my father 10x yesterday. She's still quite drugged up and loopy. (And she'll likely be in the hospital for 3 more weeks total and 1 more week in Intensive Care).
The most unpleasant part of yesterday was my dad laying it on me yesterday again with getting all of the raw treats (Brad's Chips, etc..) out of his house, reiterating that the weight loss and the diet I put her on (Mostly raw) weakened her, and i'm pretty much responsible for the state that she's in, that the first surgery didn't hold and the 2nd one was needed, which landed her in I.C.U. Maybe the diet weakened her, maybe it didn't, but suffice it to say, emotionally, i had a hard day yesterday.
It would be nice to get down to the bottom of it and to KNOW for sure. Dad says every Doctor confirmed that to be the case. Since when do vegan diets weaken you?? I thought they raised your immune system and made you stronger?? I didn't have the energy to fight yesterday and said to myself, "i just want to get PAST all of this. I don't want any anger. I want facts. I will interview all of the doctors, myself." And then, worn out, i proceeded to feel like i just wanted to get past all of this completely and move on and forget about interviewing doctors and just submit to my father's viewpoint: I'm evil and did my mother wrong, okay, so now move on. Cliff, of course, is completely opposed to that viewpoint and wants to investigate this, talk to the doctors, see if my father's viewpoint is accurate. See if they really did tell him this.
I'll let you know the direction this all goes in.
Nevertheless, today, they are getting mom out of bed for the first time since she was in an induced coma of sorts. They are going to take her for a walk. Her legs are still blown way up with fluid and I'm fearful how/if she'll be able to walk, but last night i was exercising and rubbing her legs and she was pushing against my hands and seemed to have strength, so I ought to be hopeful, she'll bounce back.
Mom expressed many times wanting to get out of bed, which the nurse felt she was unready for. I should be glad for all of this. It's just HARD watching my mom suffer.
SHE IS DOING SO WELL, progressing so well, I don't know why i'm so depressed. Cliff and my cousin, Ilene, are both commenting that i need to keep my chin up and need to get out of the funk, for mom's sake. "Look on the bright side!" I've, however, seen my mother go through surgery recovery before. KNOW how hard it is. And am SCARED of reliving that. For HER and for me.
Yes, i suppose i've given in to a lot of the fear. Yes, i'm afraid what'll happen when she walks. Yes, i'm afraid what'll happen when she sits. She's prone to wanting to get up and down and up and down and can't ever find a place for herself. Yes, i'm afraid at what all of this frustration will do to her...and to have to watch it won't be easy.
So, now that that's all out. It's time for a deep breath [in...and out...., in and out....]
Time to work the SECRET!!!!
"Don't focus on WHAT IS....Focus on What you want," says the SECRET, teaching us how to manifest our dreams and our best life and success and happiness.
So, nu? WHAT DO I WANT????
I prayed over my mother's bed last night, what i wanted for her night, to SLEEP and be at rest. So, what do i want for her today????
I want for my mother to have a walk, that she just DO it. I want her to be as comfortable as she can be today. I want her to feel loved and supported and calm.
I have to be calm to make her feel calm. But, honestly, this is hard for me to go through, and hard for you to read it, i'm sure...
But....as they say, 'This, too, shall pass." We'll get through it. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right????
Just as with my diet and exercise, i'm making SLOW, STEADY progress, so is Mom. Hell, YES, we'd all like her progress to speed up and for her to be home and back to the old Ruthie TODAY...and to not have to go through ANY of this pain and suffering, but we'll just have to accept where she is today. And, uh, do you REALLY think i enjoy being in the 290's????? STILL??? When i'm used to like dropping 20 lbs in 3 days?????
There is a process to some things. And if you jump over the important steps, you never get the reward. Like with childbirth, you can't not push and be in pain or the baby won't come out.
Sometimes, we just HAVE to WILL OURSELVES to be content with suffering. And will ourselves to be content with SLOW AND STEADY progress, just as mom and me are making. Just that, and no more.
Going THROUGH the pain, getting through it, and slow and steady progress produce permanent lasting results.
xoxo michelle joy