Wednesday, June 30, 2010

EMBRACE DEPRIVATION! Raw wins out afterall....

Here are some images from last summer when i weighed 250lbs. I look at these and i say, 'that's how i want to look again.'

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When i went to the raw retreat ( almost 4 years ago, weighing 425 lbs, i had made a serious decision regarding cooked food and how it helped or didn't help my binge eating. Binge after enormous binge on cooked food, I had come to terms with the fact that trying to "legalize" cooked food was pointless. It was a process that would take years, as well as significant WEIGHT GAIN. At 425, I couldn't afford to gain any more weight.

Going raw and sending myself to the retreat was the most practical decision i could come up with. For every "good" day I experienced eating cooked food in control, there was the inevitable backlash of enormous and enormously caloric cooked food binges, and the resulting terrific weight gain.

I find myself to be right back 'there,' coming to terms with that SAME problem, again. For every GOOD day i have, it all gets undone by huge caloric cooked food binges.

The last two days have been such days.

This is all so reminiscent.

And, for practical reasons, I just can't afford to keep gaining weight. I weighed in at 311 today. I didn't mean to binge for 2 days. I certainly didn't want to or plan to. I was happy eating moderately. But i was upset about my mom one night and snacking ensued and snacking led to out of control and the party never ended.

I said to myself, "This is absolutely hopeless. I can't keep doing this. Trying to legalize food COSTS me too much in weight gain.'

I stopped binge eating last night around 6pm after deciding what i had to do. I decided to stop listening to the experts, to Weight Watchers and to Eating disorder clinics and doctors and book authors, and i decided to listen to myself.

Raw food rescued me before, and i am going to turn to it to rescue me again.

EMBRACE DEPRIVATION - I remember once when i was on another program that taught to eat SUCH small portions of food i felt incredibly deprived and sad all of the time. But i had this little mantra i told myself, "God loves a contrite (sad) heart." Why is deprivation looked upon as so frightening and so negative?? Why can't giving up something be viewed as positive? The pain it causes us to give something up wears off in time, and soon, we realize we are better off without it. Don't you think smokers trying to quit feel that pull to ciggarettes for a long time? And drug addicts to drugs? We have to feel the intense pain of deprivation, and just let it go. And not react. And don't give in.

FOCUS on ONE DAY AT A TIME - I CAN be raw today. I can have more watermelon or some veggies before I leave for the hospital. And, at the hospital, i can have a nice plate of cut up veggies, maybe a banana and an orange. It's certainly not luxurious cream of mushroom soup and jack 'n jill icecream bars, but, it's nourishment. And i can do it for today.

THIN IS IN - I really liked how i look above. I really liked being so mobile. Man, i scooted all over town on foot that summer, going up and down hills, walking my butt off. I loved it. Talk about empowering.

FAT IS OUT - I'm sick of how i feel. I feel like shit. I feel so heavy i can't believe i once weighed over 100 lbs more than i do today. I barely want to move.

Why shouldn't i do what i know works. Why do i have to stay bloated like this when i know how to unbloat myself???? I want to feel light again, i want that old bounce back in my step. I want to lose 20 lbs in 3 days, and i will.

DO IT RIGHT - I will take this raw one day at a time and hope that i can learn from past mistakes, do raw better and stay motivated and on task, learn how to find the RIGHT mix of deprivation (no salt/low fat) with times of pleasure eating (gourmet raw), like i did at the retreat.

If i could just go back and do what i did before, i'll make it.

WHAT WORKED: At the retreat, we ate watermelon for breakfast; saltless seedcheese with veggies and maybe 1 saltless flax cracker for lunch, perhaps some nice salads; and something similar for dinner. THAT'S IT. We drank rejuvelac and wheatgrass juice. We drank lots of water. We ate only 1 avocado per week, but seedcheese (from soaked seeds) 2x/day. We had a good amount of sprouts. We had tomatoes and cukes and lots of veggies to nibble on. We had no other sweet fruit, aside from watermelon in the morning. We juiced 1 day per week on vegetable juice.

PLEASURE TRIPS: Once or twice a week, sometimes more, i went out and had a raw gourmet meal, but i never kept ANYTHING gourmet in my kitchen. I never used salt or oil because i knew i couldn't be trusted. I only ate gourmet OUT, never at home in my condo. At the restaurants, I ate whatever i wanted, guilt free. An appetizer, an entree, a dessert. I usually ate VERY lightly the rest of the day.

EXERCISE: I also walked my butt off all over town and swam several times a week for an hour.

RESULTS: I lost 140 lbs like this and had the time of my life. Looked and felt fabulous. Does that sound so awful?????

FOCUS: I need to stay focused today. I need to just clean out. I'm so bloated and so full. My belly is full of food. I need to hydrate. I need to focus on my physical restoration right now. I need to not react to temptation. I need to focus on what i'm going to do, what i'm going to eat today, and nothing else.

Hey, please see this as positive. Please support me. I need you. And thanks for being there.

I know i can maintain this, because i did it for 3 years before.

xoxo michelle

Monday, June 28, 2010


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
FOOD: Monday, June 28, 2010
Br: Watermelon, 8 cups
Ln: 1 whole wheat wrap with tofu chikn salad and veggies; 1 lo-sugar iced tea
Sn: 1 Jack 'n Jill icecream bar
Sn: 1/2 sandwhich: 1 slice rye, 1 slice cheese, 1 tsp mayo, lots of veggies
D: 1 plain wrap, 1/2 cup eggsalad, lots of veggies
Sn: 1 WW icecream sandwhich
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Today was the first day i felt a surge of energy twice, and a pep in my step. That felt really new and really good.

I do, however, still feel SO HEAVY. I can't believe i let myself get this heavy. It feels SO unfamiliar to struggle to walk, 65 lbs heavier than last summer.

Yet, still, I had energy for the first time I can remember in DAYS, WEEKS, maybe.

I bet the watermelon breakfasts are beneficial and energizing, and the low fat diet and arresting of binge eating certainly are helping.

You have no idea how drained of energy I feel when binge eating. What a stress that is to pack away all of that food. And when i binge, i mean, it's nuts how much i can pack away. It's like there is an endless pit in my stomach that can never be filled no matter how much i stuff in there.

So, for today, not binge eating, but controlling my intake, i kinda can't even believe it, I feel HAPPY, yay. I'm enjoying my newfound freedom with food. Sorry all you raw folks. I'm having fun making choices. Everything is allowed, but I always check calories/fat. I'm always writing everything down. And i'm guilt free. It's pretty awesome.

I'm not counting points as i am supposed to with Weight Watchers because i tend to get obsessed with the counting and lose ME. You know, that actually began to happen on where it was like, i suddenly felt out of control, like, i start to see the CALORIES or the POINTS as being in control, instead of ME. My energy gets all misdirected. And then i ended up binge eating.

I do quite a bit of soul or tummy - searching now to ask myself what it truly IS i want to eat. That way, I'm in control. Not the points. Not the calories. Just me. It's truly empowering.

I also use hunger/fullness to guide me towards mealtimes, and i am really enjoying it. When i'm hungry, i go look for food. It's hard to believe there is another way to be, when this feels so natural. I feel blessed.

If i wasn't so fat right now and didn't look so bad and feel so heavy when i walk, and have freakin' swollen ankles, i'd say i was happy with what i'm doing diet-wise today.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My mom is going through something called "I.C.U. Psychosis." Basically, she's going crazy. It's only temporary, but it's horrendous to watch. My poor mommy. She's been in the hospital for 6 weeks, poked, prodded, operated on twice, in bed, the entire time. She's too weak to get up and leave, but all she wants is to get the hell out of there. She's inconsolably restless, angry, mean, not making sense, not coherant.

One good bit - she weaned off of the ventilator for 7 hours today, yay!

And sat up in the wheelchair, but, i have to say, what i imagined as sitting in the wheelchair is not really what she is doing. This is the first i saw it. It looks like she's laying in bed in the thing. It's like a bed/chair. And they have her legs propped up on a chair, so it just looks like she's laying. She can't find a place for herself and she's hitting and flailing and if she could speak, she'd be cursing.

She wore herself out in the chair and with the breathing on her own, and finally RELAXED and and was pleasant and coherent in bed before she zonked out. She settled down and wasn't nuts and psychotic. I had my mommy back for like 20 mins before she zonked out.

Unfortunately, this is just all a part of the process. According to the nurses, it's quite common, this psychotic state.

This 'psychosis' is caused by not being able to CONTROL anything in your life...and basically you go nuts.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Interesting how I am with the topic of control. I binge when i feel OUT of control, like I was chatting about above. A binge is kind of like a tantrum. It's irrational. It's completely emotionally driven. It's insane. It's kinda just like my mom in one of these states she works herself up into.

Look at what happens to us when we feel out of control.

What can we do to feel more in control in our lives?

With food, i'm learning ways / strategies to feel more in control - write my food down, listen to hunger signals, check calories, make choices, tune into my desires.

In what other ways do i feel out of control of my life?

This whole thing with mom has REALLY made me feel out of control of my life. No wonder i had constant tantrums. And no wonder why she's having them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Add to that - No wonder i always feel so helpless and so needing help and like i can't do anything on my own and like I don't have the power. My FATHER is just like that.

We see each other daily now at the hospital and all i hear is him complaining. He's lonely, he's got backpain, he's worried, he doesn't sleep.

"Hey, Dad, why don't you go get a massage, Dad? You'll feel so much better."

"Hey, Dad, why don't you go sit in the hot tub, Dad?"

"Go take a bath, Dad."

"Go walk in the pool, Dad."

"Go over to the clubhouse, Dad, and hang out with your friends."

Excuses. Excuses. "I can't." "I can't." Poor me. Poor all i hear from him.

See? I was raised like that. No wonder i often feel so helpless. The main guy in my life doesn't even know how to be pro-active in his own life or how to be responsible for his own suffering and how to make himself FEEL and DO better. His diabetes is out of control. His blood pressure is out of control. His blood count is outta whack. (he has a mild form of leukemia).

Yet, he doesn't do anything to make himself feel better. And he certainly never taught me to, either.

No wonder I struggle so. I learned that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've been resisting visiting because it just looks so darned complicated, even though my friend, Jan, is having such TREMENDOUS success using the site. Let's all give Jan a HUGE BRAVO for her weight loss of 30 lbs doing a mostly raw diet. YAY, JAN!!!!!

And she has really been at me to get on there. I went twice and, ehhh, it looked too hard to navigate. Penny and Raw Food Rehab are starting a new 11-week group, however, soon, and it would be GOOD for me to keep RAW in the forefront of my mind and good to get involved in this!!! That watermelon breakfast is making me feel GOOD, so i'd better keep it up with the raw breakfast at least and continue to partake of as much raw as i can.

I forget that not working at Arnolds Way has really BAD for my RAW MORALE. Having been away is taking it's toll. We, in this community, really need support to get more raw foods in. Otherwise, it's too easy to not.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So, that's the scoop, ya'll.

Love ya!

xoxo michelle joy
Or "" as Mikelle likes to call me!!! Hi Mikelle!!!

Sunday, June 27, 2010


Hiya Folks,

I had an exhausting day today with mom. She is doing SO much better, but suffering terribly with restlessness. She is just inconsolably restless. I massage her legs, her ankles, do little "physical therapy" type exercises on her legs and feet and arms... She smiles and blows me kisses and seems calmed...and then minutes later, she's flailing again, trying to pull her tubes out, scratch her head, trying to get her arm restraints off, flinging her legs off of the bed. She is just completely and totally restless.

She is having great difficulty lately, also, weaning off of the ventilator. She has a lot of congestion coming up, making it feel terribly difficult to breath (on her own). She is also just the kind of person who is completely prone to being extremely agitated, so trying to calm her feels like it's fighting a losing battle.

Mom can't progress unless she can calm down and allow her lungs to strengthen on their own without the ventilator. She is allowing discomfort to get in the way of her progress. She WANTS to go home ("Please i want to go HOME!," she mouthed to me today). But, until she fights past her resistance, she won't move forward.

Why do we so often fight what will make us better?


Fear of pain.

~ ~ ~ ~

I had a good day, i think, food wise. But, i guess it would depend on who you asked...if it was a good day or not. It's all a matter of perspective, and which persective you have.

Br: watermelon

Sn: lowfat yogurt

Ln: large salad with 1/2 cup chickpeas, some pickled beets, honey mustard dressing; regular (small) icecream sandwhich

Sn: 1 serving Snyder's Honey Wheat Pretzels

Dn: Macrobiotic "turkey" over fresh spinach, carrots, zucchini.

Sn: 1 raw corn on the cob

Sn: banana/strawberry/tahini/agave whip

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I pulled my back and am in some distress with it. I think i'll start exercising lightly again in a day or two when it is feeling better. I twisted today the wrong way and aggrivated it again. I had injured it by sleeping on the sofa. Exercise is what i desperately need, yet i resist. Why do i resist? Fear. Fear of discomfort.

But, i'm already in discomfort. And exercise will likely make me FEEL better.

Maybe i really don't WANT to feel better.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm doing BETTER with my food, and another reason is that I've stopped sleeping on the sofa downstairs (in front of the TV) (and also conveniently STEPS away from the kitchen fridge). I kept telling myself and Cliff that i was sleeping on the sofa so that the TV could lull me to sleep. I was extra agitated since all of this with my mom, and the TV helped stop the constant visions in my head of her suffering.

But, i was really sleeping on the be close to the fridge.

As soon as Cliff would go upstairs to bed, it became a free-for-all in the kitchen.

After my back pulled out from sleeping on the saggy sofa one day too many, Cliff finally put his foot down and insisted I sleep upstairs with him again and ban myself from sleeping on the coach. I resisted. I fought him - "But i'll wake you with my snoring!!!!! I'm doing this to help YOU sleep so you won't have to listen to me!!!" (Since eating regular food, i snore again. On raw, i stopped snoring. He fought back - "I don't care! You are NOT sleeping on the sofa anymore!") I resisted terribly, but finally submitted to his command.

That night, upstairs next to him in bed, i felt a tremendous 'withdrawl' from the fridge....I cried and cried like a baby without a bottle. I felt a tremendous NEED to be comforted by Cliff, which was answered by his loving touch. For at least 30 minutes, he rubbed me and hugged me. I cried. And finally, i felt relaxed and fell asleep.

Moral of the story: I don't NEED food to comfort me at night today. For that i'm grateful.

LESSON: So much of what we do are learned bad habits that don't really work, yet we get caught up in these destructive behaviors and actually fight breaking free of them, when breaking free of them is so desperately what we need. What holds us back from breaking free of them?


Fear of discomfort. Fear of FEELING awful...without stuffing it down with food.

I'm glad i finally did push through. I love sleeping with my babe. And his comfort is calorie free. And with the A/C on, he can't hear my zzzzz's too much.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Cliff questioned my icecream sandwhich today. "Do you really think that's going to help you lose weight?," he asked.

"Well," I answered, "it only has 180 calories and it helps me not feel deprived. It will help me stop binge eating."

He retorted, "For three years, you ate only raw, lost 175 lbs, didn't eat any icecream sandwhiches, and didn't feel deprived."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had to give it to him. I think he won that argument. At the HEIGHT of my WORST binge eating, i sent myself away to a raw retreat - Optimum Health Institute, not just to lose weight, but to STOP binge eating. And i did. For the 8 months that i was at the retreat, i think i binged there about 2-3x - not on cooked food - on raw gourmet food.

[I did eat gourmet raw food FREQUENTLY off campus, as it comforted me and was so extremely delicious, and with all of the exercise i was doing, i STILL lost weight. I lost 140 lbs in 8 months even with eating a decent amount of high fat gourmet raw. I didn't KNOW there was ANYTHING WRONG with gourmet raw. I really believed in it's magic to make me lose weight and stop binge eating. I really believed in it.]

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now i weigh 315 lbs. I've gained 65 lbs since turning from raw over the last, what, 8 months or so? Going off of raw and subsequently gaining all of this weight doesn't seem like such a smart move on my part.

"Aren't you sorry you went OFF of raw?," Cliff asked me today.

"Yes, i am," I had to admit.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I look at my intensely chubbed out face and body in the mirror and i hardly recognize myself. I have not seen myself this fat for almost 4 years.

For OVER 3 years on raw, i didn't go above 300 lbs. I went from 275 to 299.5 when i started to eat Rita's waterice before i ever tried 80-10-10. I began to GAIN weight, once i started to eat COOKED. I didn't really consider Rita's waterice any such huge derivation, but i also freely drank cooked fruit juice and ate roasted nuts. THAT's the FIRST i started to gain.

After that, i went on 80-10-10 and lost all the way down to 249lbs.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Cliff looks at me and says, "Why don't you DO again what worked??? You've TRIED Weight Watchers how many times?????? And you could NEVER stay on it."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He said today, "Don't you think raw was the best thing for you?"

I said, "Yes."

"But," I went on, "i can't get back on it. It's hard. When i first went raw, i went away. It was an effortless transition. Now, i got a taste of cooked, and everytime i go raw lately, i fall right off back into cooked. To go raw and have it stick, I'd have to go back to the retreat...for like a month."

"So you agree that raw was the best thing for you," he asks again.

"Yes!" i answer.

"So how is that icecream sandwhich going to help you?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When i went to O.H.I., i really BELIEVED raw was what i needed. I really believed it would stop the binge eating. And for the most part, it did.

When i came home from O.H.I., and started working in a raw kitchen (with the most incredible raw gourmet stuff available to me all day) binge eating went on overdrive, non stop. But i didn't gain.

For like a YEAR, i didn't gain. Go, ask my friend, Jan.

We talked on the phone weekly, and it always became a topic of conversation about how i would eat like a pig on raw, i mean, non stop all day, and still weighed the SAME for like an entire YEAR.

What the hell was that?

Was i working the Secret and 'believed' myself into not gaining a lb? Or was my metabolism kicked into overdrive from 8 months of walking like 10 miles a day???? Or was it the magic of RAW? Or was i actually taking in less calories than i was burning?

Whatever it was, it stopped working when i started on 80-10-10. I gained like crazy everytime i went OFF of that, 20-30 lbs quickly! But, then i'd take it OFF just as quickly. At least i was managing.

I really believed in raw then. No matter what, i knew i wasn't going OFF of raw.

Then, something changed, i started with beans, they made more sense - less FAT than nuts - but then i couldn't stop there....then it was bread, bread and butter, and the door was open. And everything i hadn't had in 3 years was all of a sudden appealing. I haven't been able to shut that door to cooked food since.


Well, i think i'm either BRAINWASHED, a COOKED FOOD ADDICT or i just plain WANT full FREEDOM with ALL food.

I'm trying to MAKE this work, eating regular food, but everytime i look at myself, i have a hard time believing i'm doing the right thing. It's just a real struggle to believe i'm doing the right thing now when i look so horrendous. I mean, what i'm doing didn't CAUSE me to look horrendous. Binge eating on COOKED FOOD, did.

I've had two experiences with binge eating on raw food. At one point in my journey, i never gained, no matter HOW much raw food i stuffed my face with. And at another point in my journey, i gained like gangbusters from raw gourmet.

No wonder i'm so confused.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It dawns on me that each plan has it's pros and cons, and i'll always be unhappy with SOME aspect of a new plan when the "honeymoon phase" wears off and self doubt sets in.

I want my cake and i want to eat it too. Meaning, i want what i want what i want. I want to eat cooked food. And i want the benefits of eating raw. And i want to be thin tomorrow. And i want freedom. And i want to stop bingeing. And i want to binge when i want. And i want to eat what i want. And i want to eat only raw. And i....blah blah blah.

Never satisfied. And exhausting being ME.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


ACCEPTANCE of where I'm at today (i question my judgement about the directions i choose and experience endless self-doubt).... I need to remember that if i really WANT to eat all raw OR more raw, i am FREE to do that on Weight Watchers.

And ACCEPTANCE of where my mom is at today... She's just fidgety, and i'm not sure there is much i can do about it. I talk to her, i try to comfort her, i massage her until i can't massage anymore...and she's still fidgety.

ACCEPTANCE of where Cliff is at with me today. He doesn't trust this direction. Well, I'm not sure if i do, either, and it's good to have his perspective. He is, afterall, the person closest to me. He either has amazing wisdom, or he's trying to sabotage my new freedom.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When we resist something, like my mom resisting being off of the ventilator because it proves so uncomfortable, it's because we're in FEAR. She's in fear of....choking or dying. The TRUTH is...she won't choke or die. She'll actually get BETTER and STRONGER even quicker - the more she pushes through the resistance.

So, i'm experiencing quite a bit of resistance to my new fabulous FREEDOM plan. What is that resistance trying to tell me? I'm afraid.

OKay, so, is my FEAR founded???

I mean, am i afaid because i'm doing a BAD thing and am OFF TRACK...?

Or am i afraid because new things are scary...and FREEDOM can be scary? Actually letting GO of my fear of food might cure me. Maybe i'm afraid to give up my crutch of binge eating?

Why do it resist going back on raw...if i wish i had never gone off?

Fear. Fear of Deprivation.

Maybe fear of actually getting THIN???? Maybe fear of letting go of SIN? Gluttony IS a sin.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On our journey, we often choose directions that may benefit us or may harm us. I believe we're always trying with good intention to help ourselves. But, we may be misguided.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

All I can say is: Time will tell.

Wish me luck.

xoxo michelle joy


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hi Michelle!

This is Andrea from I'm willing to help you in any way that I can, even if it is just through e-mail...whatever you are comfortable with. I am not holding the EATING DISORDERS ANONYMOUS meetings in Phila any longer, since there has been zero interest for the most part, since the old chairperson left. Oh well. I can't keep paying rent when no one shows up :-(

"Crazy abstaining diets" would be "yo-yo dieting." It goes like this, generally speaking. You lose thirty gain forty. You lose forty gain fifty. It really kills your metabolism, AND causes binge eating, since you are denying yourself comfort foods. That is the WORST kind of dieting for a binge eater!

A healthy diet and healthy lifestyle will cause you to lose weight...but it will NOT be rapid. You will need to be comfortable with progress measured in baby steps...not giant leaps. Really though, even e-mailing for help really IS a giant leap!

I'm sorry to hear you are going through so much right now. <3!! I hope it will all work out in the end...even if it seems so stressful right now.

Are you sure you cannot afford a nutritionist? I can help you work on a meal plan. I'm not an expert but I have been exposed to meal planning enough to know how to do it. You should also start an exercise routine. Nothing major, just 30 minutes of walking, three times a week to start :-)

I have to keep this e-mail short, since I'm having dinner with my mom, but I will e-mail you more info later tonight!

Stay well <3

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hi Andrea,

So sorry to hear that the meeting will not take place tonight. i was set and ready to go!

But, if you are willing to be my "email E.D.A. sponsor," i am certainly very very grateful!

It just so happens that your email could not come at a better time. i was just sitting outside eating my breakfast contemplating fast weight loss vs. slow weight loss, and here comes your email articulating it exactly.

i did join weight watchers yesterday and read through the paperwork carefully. with weight watchers you are expected to lose 1/2 - 2 lbs a week, which seems to me to be slow and a normal rate of weight loss. excrutiatingly slow, haha.

i'm expected to eat so many portions of fruit/veg, 2 servings of milk products a day, 2 tsp of olive oil, plenty of fluids, and it is fine to substitute beans, eggs and soy products for meat. Weight Watchers seems sensible.

we had a good meeting and the leader asked what would be my fears about staying on weight watchers this summer and i said, 'slow weight loss....and lack of motivation.."

yes, i can do a fast and lose 20 + lbs in one week, but you are absolutely indoubidably (is that a word?) correct - i WILL gain it back, plus some, because that is what i do. yoyo dieting is exactly what i do.

that you say "comfort foods are so important to us with eating disorders" is amazing to hear that confirmed. i guess i think i'm crazy or something is wrong with me that i can't stay on these crazy deprivation diets. i always break out.

It's going to be a relief to be able to eat small portions of binge foods, so i never have to binge again. I'll look forward to talking to you more about this.

Lately, before i contacted you, things got really out of control with my weight. I was 250 last summer and weighed in at 315 yesterday. i've gained 65 lbs this year, and at least 30 or 40 of the lbs has been within the last month or two. i can gain weight amazingly fast.

So lately, the scale has been goiing up, up, up, up instead of up and down, and up and down, and up and down like it was (last year i was between 250 and 280 for most of the year), and being well over 300 again is horrible (i feel like shit, huge, embarrassed, and ashamed). i used to weigh 425lbs and i've been so scared i'll get right back up to where i was. I was on my way.

i really came to the point where i thought it was preferable to yo yo instead of constantly gaining like i have been the past two months, and i wanted to go back on a deprivaton diet just to lose alot of this weight quickly, but i must say, you are right. i will binge again and in the long run, losing slowly is probably the best course of action. hard to make peace with and look at my chubby face daily and not fit in my clothes, but it is best. i have to just accept.

so, i 've been on a months long binge, almost non stop, with some doing very well in the middle, so returning to more normal eating after weight watchers yesterday felt good.

I stopped exercising this past week because i was so depressed. i generally walk at least 3x/week for 30 mins and i swim, too. i often walk for an hour more than 3 days/week. so i'll get back to it.

yesterday, i ate:

for breakfast, i had watermelon, 4 cups

for snack, i had a blueberry/banana smoothie with 1 tbsp of tahini in it (protein).

for lunch, i had 2 wraps made from: 2 jumbo eggs, 2 light whole wheat wraps, lots of veggies, parmesan cheese, salsa, and 4oz light cream cheese

for snack i had 2 cups of dry kashi cereal

for dinner i had a homemade cream of mushroom soup wth tons of veggies, 1 cup of rice. (i sauteed the veggies in 2 tsp of oil)

I didn't even count my points yesterday, I just wrote down everything i ate, and i am debating if i will count my points. I think the best thing for me to do, actually, is to just eat what i think is a good amount and then count up my points later, or at the end of the week, because i can tend to get nuts if i "go over" my points and i'll binge because i feel like a failure. it's better for me not to even know, and to just satisfy myself with a reasonable amount of food.

I can use Weight Watchers to my advantage - the meetings are super supportive, i can CHOOSE to get weighed MONTHLY if i want, instead of weekly, I can write my food down and not count points, etc...

As far as nutritionists goes, i honestly don't have the money right now to see one weekly. I'm not working. And after all of these years, i have a pretty good sense of what i need: protein, fat, fruit, vegetables, dairy. Weight Watchers is pretty well rounded.

Anyway, i have to run.

P.S. I used to go to O.A. for many years so i am very familiar with the steps, etc... I'd like to work them.

xoxo michelle joy

Saturday, June 26, 2010



Mom is doing well! She even stood up yesterday and sat in a wheelchair for several hours. They continue to wean her off of the ventilator, and her drainage is draining well. They determined that the fevers were coming from a small pocket of bile collecting in her stomach that none of the drain tubes was accessing. They inserted another drainage tube to access that area and are hopeful the fever issue will no longer be an issue as all of the bile will be completely draining. She now has 5 drainage tubes coming from her stomach! Her overall demeanor is pleasant, and aside from being annoyed and frustrated at times, she is progressing in the right direction. I know i sound very clinical...and i still have that same fear that the other shoe might still drop...but i am really, well, not just me, everyone is really, really THRILLED with her progress. I don't think my mom's gonna die!

Thank you for all of the prayers. I KNOW they worked. God bless all of you :-)) Keep 'em coming!

Tomorrow i am set to attend my first meeting of Eating Disorders Anonymous. The website is neat and talks about BALANCE as the main goal. There is a meeting down town tomorrow, not too far from me. I already corresponded with Andrea, the leader of the group, who is a bulimic in recovery, and she offered to be my sponsor. She no longer binges, but eats in balance.

I'm pleased that i'm doing this for me. I think it makes ALOT of sense.

I also joined Weight Watchers this morning. Weight Watchers seems to have really changed and focuses more on whole foods and less processed foods, although 'everything' is allowed, you're really encouraged to eat low fat, low salt and high fiber. Sensible.

The meeting was actually entirely motivating and supportive and i feel blessed to have happened upon such a wonderful new leader in my old meeting. I was skeptical at first, and dissappointed the old leader was no longer here, but found this one to actually be way better. Instead of it being a LECTURE, it was more like GROUP THERAPY. Everyone got to talk. Meeting goers and the leader shared support and tips. The new leader, Carrie, was not so much teaching, but responding to what she heard. I was really impressed. She really HEARS you when you speak. I feel very lucky. Several of the people in the meeting were there as returns, since having gained weight back, so i didn't feel like an outcast, and just another sufferer looking to get her life/weight back on track and in control.

What's cool about Weight Watchers is that i get to determine whatever i want to eat - be it all raw or high raw or no raw. That feels like perfect freedom.

I'm excited about the possibility of weekly support with these two new ventures, and getting back into exercising again after almost a week off.

My coworker, from Arnold's Way, is also doing Weight Watchers using high or mostly raw. I'm going to connect with her right now.

So, that's the scoop, chickadees! It's all GOOD.

Thanks for being here for me.

Much Love,
xoxo michelle joy

Thursday, June 24, 2010


Okay, mom's temp went down last night to 99 and this morning is 99.3. I have a big smile on my face and light in my heart!

Mom is still getting another CATSCAN this morning to see where the fever might have been coming from, and to check the status of the bile "pockets" in her gut. Are the drainage tubes accessing the pockets and is all of the bile fluid free flowing and coming OUT? Otherwise, if it's not, that could cause worse infection, and fever.

The body produces fever when there's something bad in it that it wants to infection. The immune system turns up the heat in your an kill whatever's ailing it.

I can't tell you how THRILLED i am that her fever went down. That means the fever either did it's job...or that whatever was causing it has moved out...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Brad of Brads Raw Chips got in contact with me yesterday about assisting him with some new information and offerings on his website. He is going to be offering LIFESTYLE COACHING and asked for my assistance formulating his plan. Since i'm not working at Arnold's Way until my mom gets out of the hospital, i thought it was a good opportunity to do a little work, but from home. I did quite a lot of writing for him this morning, and heck, it reminded me of how great raw food is!

I kind of feel recharged and regenerated by this, and grateful to have been asked!! I DO love to write, you know!!! haha.

Now, I feel like i want to do like a little cleanse today. I feel empowered by this. And RELIEVED about my mother's turn around.

Wish me luck! Keep praying for her...and me!

Your prayers are working...for both of us!!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

FOOD/ACTIVITY - Thursday, June 24, 2010

Br: RAW blueberry, banana, strawberry, raw tahini, agave shake.
Sn: RAW Gaspacho: tomato, onion, garlic, cucumber, celery, ginger, water, orange juice.
Ln: RAW Strawberry, banana, tahini, agave smoothie


xoxox michelle

Wednesday, June 23, 2010



It's quite early on Wednesday morning.

I've been in a "relapse." Old O.A. terminology, but it fits.

What do i want? What do i want? What do i want?

Every morning I awake with new resolve, and then succumb to binge eating. What I want at those times is to eat. Alot. And not stop.

Just days ago, i was doing and in control. I got frustrated. I threw a fit by stuffing my face and now i weigh much more than 292. This all doesn't make 'sense.' It's way beyond making sense.

In a very big way, i feel, emotionally, alot of fear right now. My mother is so much better, but has a fever again. And fever means infection. And the last time she had a fever, her drainage tube was clogged and she almost died. I'm so scared. It's like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, i can't allow myself to be happy that's she's doing so much better, because i'm scared it won't last, again. This would be the 4th time for her nearly dying in 5 weeks if something goes wrong again. Mom's still in I.C.U., she's completely awake, out of the induced coma, she's smiling, she's mouthing words (can't talk yet with the trache in). She weaned off of the trache for 4 hours yesterday. I should be happy for the progress, but i can't stop being scared about the fever. What does it mean? Is she clogged again?

... I just called there. She has a fever of 101.

I'm crying and I feel desperately scared.

Please pray for me. Please pray for my mom.

xoxo michelle

Sunday, June 20, 2010


"I used to be somebody
But now I am sombebody else
I used to be somebody
But now I am sombebody else
Who I'll be tomorrow
Is anybody's guess

What was thought to be the right way
Turned out the wrong way afterall
What was thought to be the right way
Turned out the wrong way afterall
What i took to be the high road
Was only leading to a fall"

"SOMEBODY ELSE," sung by Jeff Bridges, from the movie "CRAZY HEART"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Man, I just can't stop listening to my favorite CD from "Crazy Heart", the movie, LOVE IT! I don't even LIKE country music, but it is the most fabulous CD. The songs really talk to me. I've referenced them here before. I suppose that's because Jeff Bridges character in the movie is an addict and I just really relate.

I feel like a certifiable schizophrenic. Or is it someone with multiple personality disorder???? Every week it's another plan. I abandon every one i start. This one's better. No, this one's better. NO, THIS one. Wait, THIS one.

I guess you could say THEY all have merit. They ALL have pros and cons.

I do it only long enough to realize, "hey, this isn't all it's cracked up to be...." and abandon ship.

A few cons I noticed with my fabulous vegetarian moderation were low energy, consistently swollen ankles, greasy hair and skin (on raw i could go without washing my hair a week, now i'm back to daily, or i look like a grease pit), quick weight gain, and overall higher weight "set-point".

I know, I go over in my mind, over and over, and on this blog, what i've done diet-wise over the last (almost) 4 years, and re-iterate it alot here, but somehow it helps me and I think it's quite's proof...of what really worked, HOW it worked, what i did, what i didn't do.

  1. 8 Months at the raw retreat. I went weighing 425lbs and left weighing 285. I walked my BUTT off there, and swam daily. I ate the retreat food - VERY lowfat raw, with a focus on vegetables and sprouts. We ONLY ate fruit for breakfast (a huge slice of watermelon). While there, i ate frequently at the raw restaurants (but only ever 1 full complete meal a day). Sometimes i went 1x/week. Other weeks, i went 3-4x/week. The rest of the day, then, i usually didn't eat anything. I still exercised my butt off. Usually, for 3 days following eating gourmet, i would go salt-free and back to the saltfree lowfat retreat food before getting weighed. I lost consistently. I lost 140 lbs after 8 months. After eating gourmet raw, i always gained 3 lbs.
  2. I came home and got the job at Arnolds Way. My metabolism was still running HIGH, and I was still swimming and exercising daily. I weighed 285 lbs. I began binge eating at Arnolds immediately, only subsisting on gourmet raw. I happily ate like a pig all day, but somehow lost 10 lbs still over time. I was still exercising daily, and after a year, still maintained my weight at 275lbs for a long time. I really BELIEVED raw food was a miracle cure, that i could eat like a pig and either stay the same or lose slowly. I continued to have hemmorhoids (excrutiatingly painful), which were probably a detox symptom, or a symptom of overeating nuts. Betaine HCL helped them tremendously.
  3. I started adding in Rita's waterice and cooked seaweed salads and little "cheats" - roasted nuts and cooked fruit juices. Exercise died out and it was months since i'd moved. I gained up to 299.5 and said, 'this is nuts, i can't let this happen to me.'
  4. I went on 80-10-10 and lost down to 249. The 80-10-10 diet is hard, but while you're on it, you're strangely content and satisfied because of the quick results. I restricted bananas to 1 per day as i was instructed on But, I could never stay on 80-10-10 for too too long, and once I'd get a taste of gourmet, wo, i'd dive in face first. I'd gain 20, 30+ lbs and then re-lose it on 80-10-10. Nevertheless, i routinely re-visited the low 250's over and over and over again. I liked how i looked. I exercised crazy walking hills in Manayunk. I felt like i had a way to lose when i needed to, but couldn't seem to break the 250 barrier again. I also felt zero control over binge eating, but 80-10-10 was used as a respite from binge episodes. I only binged on gourmet raw, never cooked.
  5. At some point, i surmised it was all of the nuts holding me up from losing down below 250. I ate cooked beans at Susan's house and soon discovered Dr. Fuhrman's book (i lost 18 lbs) eating cooked vegetables and beans and thought this was "IT". You get to eat like a pig, as many veggies and beans as you want and still lose weight. No salt on his plan. The second week of the plan, i got bored and discouraged. I didn't lose anymore. I was not exercising.
  6. Soon, i binged on regular cooked vegetarian and gained it all back. Things kinda went nuts after that binge eating regularly on cooked vegetarian.
  7. I tried Carlene's program eating low fat with eggbeaters and cooked veggies but still alot of raw. It seemed like a pretty good plan. I was exercising daily. I hated that i looked so puffy in pictures, though. I liked how lean i'd looked on saltfree raw. Anyway, Carlene was nuts and i got turned off to her and continued binge eating vegetarian.
  8. For like 8 months, i binged regularly on cooked gourmet food. I gained up to 311 lbs.
  9. I called Arnold and did the green smoothies feast for 2 weeks. The first week, I lost like 20+ lbs of water weight and food in the gut, used bananas freely in my smoothies, and then the 2nd week, lost nothing. I wasn't exercising. And bananas (caloric 100 cals each) are not great diet foods for people with slow metabolism like me. Eat 20 bananas and that's 2,000 calories. Wiry types like Arnold can eat bananas out the wazzoo and still lose weight.
  10. I abandoned the smoothies and tried eating vegetarian in moderation using to count my calories, and exercising. I lost down to 292-ish. It felt like the perfect solution, until i got discouraged with the slow pace of the weight loss and my inability or resistance to eating less than over 2,000 calories. I was enjoying what i was doing and wanted it to work. I chose low fat foods, and on one day, when i wanted something high fat and didn't allow myself to have a small portion, i binged.
  11. That was 3 days ago, and i've just had two days of binge eating with no exercise. I weigh 305 again. I've still lost 120 lbs, but don't feel like a big success. I don't know what to do now. Go back to the slow vegetarian way??? The one GREAT thing about it was how food started looking...not so frightening to me. We had all of this shit in the house and it never appealed to me until i was hungry. Even now, my binge eating yesterday was not even that BAD because nothing really looked all that attractive. Loaves of bread in the fridge? Big deal. I've been eating bread, so i wasn't so 'hungry' for it.

So, here i am questioning, "Who the hell am i today?" The raw foodist? The cooked foodist? The girl who wants to lose weight quickly? Or slowly? The girl who can't live without treats, icecream bars and chips and wants a little of everything? Or am i the dieter who thrives on deprivation and quick weight loss, who won't touch a THING off of her program, knowing that if she did, she wouldn't be able to stop? Am i the 80-10-10'er abandoning salt to lose quickly, or the Nigella-Lawson-fan who adores her butter and salt? Am I in control using fitday and writing down my food, or am I the rebel who binges out of every plan, abandoning exercise and fitday???

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I think the only thing that's remained a constant on every plan I've been on, is: 1) i lose consistently when i exercise 2) i'm still a binge eater, basically no matter what plan i'm on (i didn binge a few times on gourmet at the raw retreat) 3) i have multiple "diet" personalities and seem to swing back and forth. Maybe that's just ME? Angela Stokes does weeks/months of juice feasting. And then she's eating more gourmet. And back to juicing. But, she never finds FAULT with it, like there's something WRONG with her that she can't maintain juicing or maintain her weight loss on alot of gourmet. She seems to just go with the flow. Why can't i do that?

Maybe i just ACCEPT ME and just try to do the best i can for my health and weight?

I do know I don't particularly enjoy weighing 300 again, oops, 305. And not being able to fit into my pants really SUCKS big time. I don't even recognize myself anymore when i look in the mirror when i'm out at the hospital or in a store and look in the bathroom mirror. I'm like, "Who IS that fatter lady????"

I haven't been this the 300's since the raw retreat almost 4 years ago. I don't LIKE it.

YES. Eating whatever I wanted had it's merits. Believe me, it felt great to be relatively 'normal.' To go to the hospital cafeteria and just be semi-normal like everyone else.

But, walking my ass off and getting little outcome didn't feel that great. Now if i would have stuck with it, i'd have lost, probably, v e r y slowly, ultimately, and weighed soon in the 280's, probably. But, something in me doubted it, like i enjoyed eating the amount i did. I didn't want to EAT LESS to lose more. I really had a melt down about the whole concept.

All i know is, i feel like SHIT today. My legs feel like they weigh 2 tons. I could barely get my big load of a body up the steps to go to the bathroom. And I have to wash my hair again and i just washed it yesterday. Ridiculous!

Anyway, pray for me. I hope i make a good decision for myself today. I made a big green smoothie for breakfast and am just trying to go with the flow.

"I used to be somebody, but now i am somebody else. Who i'll be tomorrow, is anybody's guess." SOMEBODY ELSE from CRAZY HEART

xoxo michelle joy

Friday, June 18, 2010


TODAY'S STATEMENT: Patience is a virtue and something some of us have to learn. Walked my butt off yesterday and still didn't lose a lb today!! In fact, i gained 1/4 lb back!!! But, I look alot better to myself, so i'm sure i'm losing inches. And anyway, I'm sure all of this work/exercise and overall reduction of calories will add up. It's a possibility I may have to eat less. Holy crap, that would be awful, because i'm having fun.

BR: CEREAL N MYLK - kashi go-lean cereal, soy milk, lots of fresh strawberries chopped up in it and 1/2 banana

SN: YUMMY TASTE TESTING - 1/4 cup macaroni salad, tasting, while making fresh for cliff, a higher fat version with real mayo and fresh herbs from our garden, delish.
SN: FRUIT SOUP - frozen blueberries and strawberries, blenderized with fresh mint and dannon lite yogurt (80 cals) - scrumptious.
LN: HOMEMADE BUTTERNUT SQUASH SOUP - 1 butternut squash (2.5 cups, veggie broth and veggies)
DN: SALAD AT THE HOSPITAL - lotsa lettuce, 1 h.b. egg, 2 spoons of sunflower seeds, honey mustard dressing; 1 slice bread with 1 pat butter and packet honey

  • small fries, mcdonalds (250 cals)
  • vanilla cone, mcdonalds (150 cals)
  • slice pizza, italian joint (256 cals, appox?)
  • bag baked chips (210 cals)
  • snapple iced tea, 20 oz, 100 cals for 8 oz (240 cals)
  • veggie hoagie with mozzerella cheese: hoagie roll, 377 cals, mozz cheese, 350 cals, veggies and sauce, 150 cals (870 cals total)
  • Wawa buttered shorti roll (350 cals)
  • Wawa small mac 'n cheese (300 cals)
  • Wawa cheese hoagie, junior (350 cals, approx)
  • 5 skinny cow icecream bars (730 cals)

CALS before binge: 2, 067 cals
Binge CALS: 3, 521 cals
CALS after binge: 5, 588 cals

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Okay, um, need i say that yesterday was NOT a good day. I wrote the thing about patience early in the day when i saw i gained weight after walking my butt off yesterday. That was supremely dissappointing.

First of all, according to Dr. Fairburn (Overcoming Binge Eating), i have to stop weighing myself daily. WEEKLY only.

FACT: i have an eating disorder.

FACT: that means i have distorted thoughts about food, shape, weight.

FACT: gaining weight, overeating, etc... can all trigger my 'insanity' about food.

Well, foodwise, up until about 9p.m., it was, okay.

FACT: i was discouraged yesterday about my newfound diet, that it wasn't working quickly enough. We had company over, someone who hasn't seen me in a while, and i am fatter now that when he last saw me. I had a hard time, emotionally, coming to terms with that. Feelings of failure, discouragement.

I was on the 2nd shift for my mom and got there about 4pm to relieve Dad. The whole morning, before our company came, i felt like crap. (All of the soy????) I had little energy. And felt very depressed and unmotivated. I have alot to do around the house and was productive, but didn't accomplish what i wanted to (cleaning the hallway and putting the laundry away upstairs). I also didn't exercise.

All of the lack of accomplishments weighed on me like a ton of bricks. I can't detach my mind from my mother. How can i wimp out on exercise or putting clothes away, when she's fighting for her life and will have to bear such discomfort, such suffering, learn to walk again, learn to breath again. When she is suffering so, how can i NOT do what i need to??? What excuse do i have?

Suddenly, being the lazy ass i can sometimes be, doesn't just impact ME, it impacts how much i'll be able to help and be a support to mom. "Mom, if i can do it, so can you!!!" won't be as easy to say if i can't do simple shit myself.

I was so weak yesterday. I cried all day.

Not that weakness is crying. It's hard to explain. I've been overly emotional my whole life and i'm trying to IMPROVE that.

When i got to my mom's, she was still sleeping (semi induced coma). The nurse explained more fully about her septic situation (it's a horror) and looked like she didn't know when i asked, "Is my mom gonna make it?"

I was completely discouraged yesterday, not only in myself, in what i'm trying to accomplish and how i'm going about it, but in my mom's recovery, and in myself for being weak, when i want desperately to be strong, emotionally, physically, spiritually.

Being strong takes WORK. Work to stay positive, WORK to see the bright side, WORK to do what i SAY i'm gonna do. I wimped out yesterday.

After the hospital, i headed to the "gym," but, obviously, in the back of my mind, i never really wanted to make it, and i thought i'd just have a little "snack" to make me FEEL better.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was incredibly emotional yesterday. I cried and cried. I think the whole "reality" of the situation with my mom was just pummelting me. The reason I say "reality" is that I think we CREATE our own reality. I don't think FEELING your emotions on days like this is all it's cracked up to be. First of all, before we even HAVE an emotion, they are preceeded by THOUGHTS. This is classic cognitive behavioral therapy. HOW YOU THINK AFFECTS HOW YOU FEEL.

Isn't that what the SECRET is all about?????

I say it all of the time, but it is a lesson that the Secret teaches that i OBVIOUSLY need to re-learn and re-learn.

FOCUS NOT on the reality of the situation (because that's usually horrible, be it my mom, or my weight problem), but on WHAT YOU WANT.

OKAY: I want my mother's infections to heal. I want my mother's swelling to go down (as a result of the infections healing). I want my mother to be calm and peaceful when she wakes up (they are reducing the meds that knock her out). I want my mother to be calm and peaceful when she can understand her situation. And to be calm and peaceful about her tracheotomy.

I am at peace about my mother's healing. I fully believe she will get well, no matter how long it takes. I am able to be strong for her and support her in what she needs to accomplish. I am able to comfort her and calm her and teach her to be less reactive, in a negative way, to her situation. I allow the Diving Light of God to pass through me. I am a channel.

I want to have more energy. I want to be less bloated today. I want to learn from the calories (above) that any of the things i ate would have been FINE as a snack in the correct proportion.

If i had eaten mac'n cheese for dinner, like i WANTED to, i probably would NOT have binged. I felt deprived at dinner. I've been trying to DIET, you know, because i didn't LOSE anything this morning. I was discouraged and TRYING harder. And sometimes the more FALSE WRONG EGO effort you use, the WORSE things get.

I'm re-thinking fitday. It might be preferable to just WRITE what i eat down, make healthy choices when i want something healthy and practice good portion control when i want something fatty. Not allowing myself binge foods like fries and pizza and mac 'n cheese and junior hoagies (calorically not that high) really set me up to go off of the deep end.

Now, that, mind you, is typical binge eating disorder treatment thinking. Psychologically, we have to not feel deprived.

Nutritionally, too much fat or processed foods don't really come into the picture. When healing a binge eating disorder, typically, it's more of a PSYCHOLOGICAL healing around food, as opposed to a nutritional one.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Anyway, that was my day. Moving on. Today is a new day. I don't know WHAT i'll do foodwise today. I'm going to ask God to lead me. I'm certainly going to do whatever i can to avoid binge eating, even if that's eating mac'n cheese for lunch or a peice of pizza, small portions. I mean isn't a few hundred calories extra preferable to 3,500 extra????

When i woke up, i thought i'd do a green smoothie fast, and nutritionally, that probably makes the most sense, but i usually set myself up for failure when i think like that. I don't know what i'll do. Wish me luck and send your prayers my way and my moms way.

xoxo michelle joy

Thursday, June 17, 2010


FOOD/ACTIVITY for Thursday, June 17, 2010

STATEMENT: After 3 years raw, I'm eating Vegetarian now to cure my binge eating, and it's working!; No more extreme dieting, just living; I use to calculate my calories, write down EVERYTHING i eat, eat about 6x/day, use a pedometer to calculate my steps, and I'm losing weight slowly, yay! I've lost about 16 pounds over the last weeks with barely ANY effort, and weigh 292.5 now. I'm only 7.5 lbs from what i weighed when I left the raw retreat in California!!! I'll have lost 140 lbs then, yay! :-)) I'm on a journey now away from raw, but hope to make my way back some day...and still maintain my newfound binge-free lifestyle!! All of the processed soy crap and the multitudinous dairy products i'm blissfully ingesting many times daily might just kill me, (or i'll grow giant breasts on my ass!), and I know they're genetically modified and have hormones and pesticides in it, but, hell, i really LIKE it...!!! Talk about yummo! And at this point in my journey, it's a preferable choice for me as eating moderately is so much SANER and healthier for me than binge eating EVER was!!!! Sometimes eating what you LOVE (even if it's crap) with joy is actually HEALTHIER for you...than TRYING to be on the most PERFECT diet...and then rebelling to HORRENDOUS NON STOP BINGE EATING, and then swinging back and forth and back and forth, like i have been for the last 6 months. This happy joyous surrender to crap is apparently a part of MY process, and, even though it may not be nearly as HEALTHY as raw, I feel FREE, I feel liberated, and I love it!

BR: Berry Berry Smoothie! - blueberries, strawberries, 1/2 banana, apple juice and water

: Mexican Corn/Black Bean Salad! - fresh spinach topped with corn, black beans, lots of veggies, dressed in tofu mayo/vinegar and herbs (DELISH); skinny cow fudgey bar

: Whole Foods Feast! (Starving!) Wheatmeat Macrobiotic entree (550 cals), supplemented with lots of veggies (spinach, celery, peppers, mushrooms, onions; lightly sweetened tea

: Weight Watchers Icecream bar, 130 cals

: Veggie Hotdog Meal on the Porch - (hungry!) 1 tofu hotdog, whole wheat bun, sauerkraut, ketchup/mustard; medium potato, 1/2 Tbsp butter, parm cheese; 7 oz lemonade

: Aunt Jemima Treat! 1 small pancake, 1/2 tsp butter, 1/2 Tbsp pure maple syrup

TOTAL CALORIES: 2,031 cals

: (759 cals burned); 6.4 miles walked or 12, 834 steps today, wow!!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mom had the tracheotomy today. She did well. She's stable and a tiny bit better everyday.

My heart was filled with a lot of joy today. I spent the day with mom, walked to Whole Foods, walked around Manayunk, and ate well.

I feel positive. The nurse said mom should do fine tonight.

I had a little scare when her blood pressure was very low, but they intraveneously gave her more fluids and her blood pressure went up over 20 points within 5 mins, yay. Low blood pressure (and paleness, she was pale today) are symptoms of her "septic" state in her stomach, (or actually all through her body). That's a scary word to hear from them, "septic," but unfortunately she is. Her bowel surgery leaked. A second surgery to fix the first was not completely successful. And a clog in her drain sent her reeling backwards 2 days ago.

But, they are fighting the infections with anti-biotics, and they say she is responding appropriately. I'm very hopeful. They say she should be in I.C.U. for 6-8 weeks longer.

But, it was a good day. Any day that she is alive and responding a little bit better is a good day.

My heart still breaks...often...throughout the day...when I think of mom and the situation she is in right now. I am so utterly sad for her, but try to tear myself away from those thoughts and focus on the positive, on her positive steps forward, instead of dwelling on the sad tragic part of the whole thing. Honestly, it feels surreal.

Nevertheless, I sincerely hope your day was good! Thanks for hangin' in there with me!

TIP OF THE DAY: Remember, baby steps of improvement are what we shoud aim for. Even the dr. mentioned baby-steps today about mom, and i loved hearing that, it was so confirming of my new viewpoint. "You're mom's taking baby steps. Every day she's a tiny bit better." The baby-steps concept is so helpful for me, a serial dieter/binge eater attracted to crash dieting (but i always rebound into binge eating). No more!!! I'm just living now!

And thank GOD, so is SHE!

xoxo michelle joy

Wednesday, June 16, 2010



BR: 2 glasses of R green smoothie (R spinach, R banana, R grapes, R blueberries)
SN: cereal and milk: 1/2 cup granola, 1 cup kashi go-lean, 1.5 cups soymilk
SN: 2 non fat yogurts (80 cals each) HUNGRY!!!
LN: 2 boca burgers, 2 slices sprouted grain bread, tofu mayo, R lots of lettuce, R tomato, R onion, ketchup, mustard; 3 rice chips; 1 spinach Dr. Praeger veggie pattie; 1 lite skinny cow ice cream sandwhich
DN: eggbeaters, lofat laughing cow cheese, 1 tbsp parm cheese, ketchup
SN: 1 cup R blueberries, 1/2 cup R strawberries, 1 lofat yogurt

CALS: 2,395 cals
EXERCISE: 7, 814 steps (3.9 miles) (386 cals burned) which included a 40 mins walk

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Today is the first day (since i've been doing and eating vegetarian) that i really felt like i overate, and it freaked me out. I just finished lunch and i've had almost 1800 calories, and it's not even 3pm yet. [And here i am writing and i've had almost 2400 cals and i feel like eating more.]

So, i have to ask myself, 'What's going on?'

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[Written earlier] Well, at the moment, i feel amazingly depressed. I came back home from the hospital to exercise, but now that i'm home, all i want to do is mope and vegetate.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mom is improved today, but the dr. said that if all goes well from now on, and there are no more setbacks, she is still facing 6-8 more weeks in I.C.U.

I'm feelin' a little weak emotionally at the moment.

This morning, i felt so strong. I even gave my dad a pep talk. And i felt much closer to him. We talked things out. I explained I never tried to hurt mommy. I explained the Dr. never told us the surgery was life or death and that it needed to be rushed.

Still, feelings of guilt rush in. A dear reader, Glenda, asked me to stop feeling guilty. She assured me that I intended to help my mother and strengthen her using raw foods. Thanks, Glenda.

I even received the following note from Dr. Brian Clement and his wife, also a physician, in response to my letter to him asking for his feedback on the situation. (Dr. Clement is the head of the Hippocrates Institute in Florida, a very respected raw retreat.)

Dear Michelle,

As a loving daughter, you should not be blamed for trying to help your mother CONQUER her disorder. With the proper living raw food lifestyle that is administered by an experience practitioner or organization, there has certainly been abundant proof that people like your mother can gain enormous benefits. With that said, she already had her condition and it is highly unlikely that changing to a nutritious diet had anything to do with her bungled surgeries. Remain committed to loving your accusers. Please do not hesitate to write if you have any further questions.

Be Well,

Drs. Anna Maria and Brian Clement, Ph.D.,L.N.
Hippocrates Health Institute

Perhaps i didn't do the diet right with her...and she needed an "experienced practitioner"??? She had green smoothies, salads with raw dressings, beans and rice for dinner. It was not all raw, it was mostly raw, but i thought it should have been healing. She was feeling so much better.

Yet, did it 'weaken' her?

In a conversation this morning, my boss, Arnold, admitted that after water fasting to rid himself of pnemonia, he was incredibly weak. He wasn't strengthened.

Anyway, Mom still did pop a thousand pills while doing the diet, so we'll never really know how that affected what might have been a better outcome. Pills can't be strengthening to the immune system, even if she was on a 'better' diet.

My father said they couldn't believe how low her electrolytes were before the surgery. I asked him, "If her electrolytes were so low, and she wasn't fit for surgery, why did they do it?" He didn't have an answer for that.

Who dropped the ball????

My father said he didn't blame me today. My father also asked me to move in with him and take care of him.

[My father is not easy to please, nor easy to get along with, so I am sincerely hesitant. If I took such bad care of my mother, why does he want me to care for him?]

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Going to see my mother every day fills me with such anxiety before we get there. Cliff feels it, too.

But, once i'm there, we're there, being with her, talking to her, comforting her, that all dissapates.

She urinated good into her little baggie while we were there today and it made me feel like she knew we were there and felt relaxed enough to let go. She's in an induced coma. Apparently, she can hear us, but just can't respond at the moment. But sometimes she shakes her feet or grimaces. I know she's IN there. It'll be a matter of days before the swelling goes down again, and before they wean her off of the meds that put her temporarily to 'sleep.'

Tomorrow she'll get the tracheotomy, so she'll be more comfortable and won't have to swallow with a tube shoved down her throat.

Distressing news to find out that she won't be able to speak with the trache in her for 2-3 weeks. I'm so distressed about how she will cope with this. But, if this is the worst of her problems, we'd be lucky.

~ ~ ~ ~

I don't want to move and exercise today, but i feel i have to. How can i not push myself when we're all going to expect mom to push herself...harder than she ever has? [I did walk.]

This is so hard on all of us, but such a growing experience.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My father seemed so much less angry at me today. We had a good talk. He's struggling with his own faith that mom will get better. One dr. tells you prepare for the worst, the next says, she'll be fine. "Who do you believe?," he asked.

I answered him with the same things I say here to him. Every little teensy bit of progress, we have to rejoice for.

And we're responsible for our outlook. We can CHOOSE to be optimists or CHOOSE to be pessimists. We choose WHO we believe.

And how WE feel affects how mom will feel AND how she'll do.

I said, "If you're running a race, and everyone is cheering you on, you run faster. if you're running a race, and everyone is telling you you're doing horrible, you might as well give up, you do." People INFLUENCE each other.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Am i worth not binge eating? When i did my cals today on fitday and saw how much i already ate today, i really felt like binge eating. A kind of a 'what the fuck?' kind of attitude. Like, "I already went overboard, so, why the fuck not...?" And now, after my snack, i feel i screwed up today, ate too much, i feel like binge eating. Dr. Fairburn's book DOES state that overeating CAN trigger the binge impulse. I have to be REALLY careful. And I know something must be going on. ALOT of emotions. Fear, trepidation about the tracheotomy procedure tomorrow.

I've gotta FIGHT to stay positive. It's a struggle.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm looking so much better in the face, (so is mom), so i really can't give up right now on me, even if i wanted to. She's certainly gonna wanna give up on herself, daily.

The other day when she had the pain attack in her stomach (which was the clog, those frickin' medical idiots missed, which sent my mother reeling backwards), she kept saying to me, "i can't do this. i can't do this." [I didn't KNOW she had a clog. i kept telling her she could do it. It wasn't until the next day that they realized her drainage tube was clogged.] Her tolerance had been reached, and she felt like giving up.

There will be plenty more times when she is going to look me in the eyes, look to ME for strength and say, "Michelley, i can't do this!," and i'm going to say, "Yes, you can, mom. You CAN do this." I just pray that those times when she is just weak in spirit, it's not prompted by being truly physically ill, like she was this last episode of 'weakness.' Most of the time, when someone is feeling 'weak,' they really CAN do what they think they can't.

Hell, do you actually THINK i felt like walking today?????????? Yeah, right. But, you know what? After i started, i actually thoroughly enjoyed myself. We project what we think will be horrible distress. I actually couldn't believe what an enjoyable walk i had today. Looking at people's gardens, all of the beautiful flowers and plants, filled me with such joy.

We HAVE to push ourselves, or we miss these kinds of moments to say, "Yes, i CAN do it. And i'm so glad i made myself do it. Look at how good i feel!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It occurs to me just how much we ALL need each other. We can't DO this alone. (Whatever we have to do.) I can't stay on track alone. She won't make it alone without support and great care. You can't make it alone.

A baby who is left alone....will die.

We're all still babies and we need each other. Mikelle and Cosmos and Jan and Glenda and so many others have kept ME going.

We ALL doubt we have what it takes, at times. We all feel weak.

But, rest assured, we're all more powerful than we know.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

This is my life right now. And it's not easy, but i'm certainly growing alot. I need to share my pain. And what i learn daily. I hope you get something from all of this. It can't be easy to read for you. I sympathize with you!!

I'm grateful to have this forum to process my life right now. Because if i couldn't write, and process my life, i'm sure i'd weigh 500 lbs if my tendencies were to go unchecked and I wasn't on any kind of a "program" to reign myself in.

I just want you to know that i love you all, whoever is reading this, and thank you for being there for me. i really need you. This is hard. I couldn't do it without you.

Please continue to pray for my mom, Ruth.

Giant hugs.

xoxo michelle joy

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


FOOD/ACTIVITY: Tuesday, June 15, 2010
BR: 3 cups watermelon
Sn: Large Green Smoothie: dinosaur kale, 3 small bananas, 1 peach, 1 cup strawberries
Sn: 2 (80-calorie) lite Dannon yogurts
LN: Quizno's veggie sub meal: small veggie sub, light on the dressing and guacamole; bag of Lay's Baked Chips; diet mountain dew soda
DN: Veggie Hot Dog Feast! 1 Tofu pup in whole wheat bun with ketchup, mustard, onion; homemade potato salad (1/2 med potato, tofu mayo, onion, homegrown parsley, mustard, raw honey, sea salt, raw vinegar); 2 tbsp baked beans; sauerkraut (sauerkraut, applejuice, fresh homegrown sage and mustard); small plain corn on the cob
Sn: Skinny Cow Fudgey bar; eggbeaters, veggies 'n cheese (eggbeaters, 3 cups spinach, 2 triangles laughing cow lofat cheese, parm cheese, ketchup) HUNGRY!
TOTAL CALS: 2,190 cals

Exercise: 9, 942 STEPS, 5 miles total (570 cals burned) which included a long over 3 mile walk home from the gym. Plus: 15 minute hard swim, laps, at the pool

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mom's improved today. She had a good day. Her blood pressure is stablized. Her pulse is good. Her urine output is improved. Her drainage tubes are draining. Her color is improved.

She doesn't look good, you know, all of the tubes, all blown up again, and it's hard to see that, but i force myself to SEE PAST that, to see how I WANT her to look soon, to see the potential, to focus on the the little steps forward, instead of wallowing in the pity of the situation. Yet, it sneaks up on me, often, and i have to try to stop dwelling on the horror, but focus on what i want for us for the future - you know, working the Secret - trying to manifest her health - i play visions of mom at home recouperating in my mind, us walking together, mom with short grey hair walking me down the aisle at my wedding (we can't wait to give her a make over), all of us celebrating and dancing the Hora. When i think like this, my mind stops whirling, I stop crying, my sorrow is lifted and my heart is hopeful.

Thursday they are give her a tracheotomy. They say it will help her healing. A person cannot stay intubated for too long before there are issues with the esophogus eroding. I'm scared for how she might react to this, when she discovers it (you can't talk or eat without closing over the opening), but it will help to save her life and encourage her recovery. Again, trying NOT to focus on the scary, uncomfortable side, but on it's ability to bring my mommy back. If it will save her life, i hope she will be amenable. The trache, of course, is reversable, as the nurses keep assuring us.

Mom slept all day. She's in the induced "coma" again, sedated. On the one hand, i'm grateful. She's not aware of her suffering today. On the other hand, i wish she'd open her eyes and say, "i love you" and kiss me, as she had been just days ago when she was doing so well, before this last unfortunate setback.

But, today is another day. She's not where she was. And i must accept. And have peace about it. Take THIS day for what it offers. No comparing. No complaining. Just gratitude she's still HERE.
I'm so relieved that she is not declining, but stablized. I pray she can continue to make progress forward...and do like she did steps....and then shazamm, she had the ventilator out and she was talking and joking and working her way out of being in I.C.U.

"You just gotta do it, Mom. Do you know how many people are praying for you? You just gotta do it, just gotta hang in there, daily, and just make a little progress forward every day."

"You know, i'm going to accept God's Will, whatever that is for you, but I gotta pour all i have into convincing him of a miraculous healing for you. I love you, mommy."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm hanging in there. Praying all day with every breath i have for my mother's recovery. Trying to do good with myself as a way of living and breathing HOPE.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Our tomato plants are producing babies! We feel like proud parents. Soon we will be happily eating our children! Our first two tomato buds, we named Ruthie and Bernie, after my parents. We now have at least 20 buds between our three giant tomato plants on the patio, but Ruthie and Bernie are the biggest :-)).

The MIRACLE of Life, the miracle of love, continues to amaze me. A little water everyday, a lotta sun, some dirt, a little baby plant.....and now we have these HUGE plants with babies.

Thank you, Creator, for the miracle of LIFE. Seeing new growth and new life daily sustains us and gives us hope.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Each day that God gives us - is a gift. I'm so grateful to still have my mother. I'm grateful to feel closer to my brother, who visits her daily and who i run into every night there. I'm so grateful to my beloved Cliff for his amazing unwavering love and support. I'm grateful my dad seems less angry at me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Did you ever hear the one: "How do you eat an elephant?"

"One spoon at a time."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If we looked ahead at what we need to accomplish, be it losing a hundred pounds, or getting out of I.C.U., or coming home after surgery, or climbing a mountain, or stopping binge eating, or just going for a walk, or doing our exercise, we can't IMAGINE often that we can accomplish it.

But, day by day, minute by minute, with each choice we make to take ONE STEP forward, if we just put ONE foot in front of the other, all of those steps add up to big progress forward, and what we can accomplish is amazing. We may not see our own progress, but every baby step adds up to big steps.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Never give up on you. Never give up on people you love. Keep praying. Keep moving forward. Keep making healthy choices. Keep focusing on what you WANT and not on the misery of the situation - or the misery that is LIFE around us every day. There is SO MUCH suffering.

But, suffering is sometimes necessary to get to the next step. It's painful, but we have to be strong.

Everyone has their own version of my mom's situation. We all have BIG JOBS ahead of us. We all have to CHOOSE to see the positive. We all have to accept some amount of pain in the process of growth, and CHOOSE to treat ourselves as well as we can and do the very best we can. And CHOOSE to do a little every day in the right direction. Walk. Write down your food. Drink a green smoothie. Listen in. Process your feelings. Eat when you're hungry. Be grateful for any and every success. Focus on the positive.

When someone is sick, it changes suddenly how you look at the world. Every day is a gift.

Make yours a good one.

xoxo michelle joy

Monday, June 14, 2010


Good news, i lost another pound. I weighed 292 3/4 this morning. Slowly, but surely, this vegetarian diet to conquer my binge eating is working to also produce very slow weight loss.

: 2 cups watermelon
Sn: Large green smoothie - pineapple, banana, dinosaur kale, water
Ln: 2 tofu hotdogs, whole wheat buns, ketchup and mustard and a skinny cow icecream cone
Sn: 1 english muffin, 2 tsp butter, 2 tsp jelly
Dn: eggbeaters, tons of spinach and mushrooms, 1 tsp olive oil, 2 tsp parm cheese, 1 medium baked potato, ketchup

TOTAL STEPS: 5,286 STEPS, 280 cals burned, 2.6 miles total, including walk from the hospital to the shopping center

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My mom has experienced a major setback. There was a clog in her drainage tube and it made her whole body sick again. Her kidneys slowed down, her body filled up with fluid again, her blood pressure went down. They had to put in two more drainage tubes into her surgery site, a total of 4. My father said, "She's back where she was 9 days ago."

How do we deal with setbacks? Can we overcome them? Can mom overcome this?

It seems ridiculous to talk about weight and what i ate and how much I weigh when my mom is possibly dying in the hospital.

Yet, this is what I wrote yesterday, so I'd like to share it with you. As always lately, i'm going to ask for your continued prayers for my mother's miraculous healing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Having Oprah on today, i noticed that she's put on weight. That's a her world.

What's so cool about Oprah is that she's up front about her struggles. She may not be happy with where she's at, but she accepts it, she shows up to the world for her public job no matter what she weighs. She makes herself look good. She has self respect. She knows she's still a force of nature...even if she IS a little fatter. Oprah will overcome her setback with weight, i'm sure. She's a mega powerful lady and she always seems to rebound.

Whether mom is strong enough to overcome this last setback is the question. Is she strong enough?

What caused the setback haunts me. They missed the clog in her drainage tube. For at least a day, they were telling us the drain had stopped draining, and what good news that was. But, it wasn't, it didn't stop draining. It was clogged, backing up into her system, infecting her whole body with bile.

Just the other day, she was fabulous, working on getting out of I.C.U., off of the ventilator, talking, joking, sitting on the side of the bed for the first time, urine flowing well, her vitals all good. And then this. A major, major setback.

I'm going to keep positive and believe that mom will overcome this. She did before. She can do it again. "Go, Ruthie, Go!" "You can DO this!" That the doctor told us to prepare for the worst and that she may not be able to overcome this, i'm going to TRY to wipe from my mind.

I layed hands on my mother last night, issuing all of my energy and love into healing her. I asked God to perform a miracle and work through me, to heal her colon, to heal her whole body, her mind, her spirit.

From her sickbed, mom was always routing ME on. Before the 2nd surgery, I was crying to her, "Mom, I gained so much weight! i can't stop eating!" She got mad at me and said, "Stop doing that to yourself. You can DO it! You did it before!"

And people on this blog were so supportive of me. A faithful reader, Mikelle, said, "I have total faith in you!." That blew my mind. I felt like there was NO way i was going to get better, but SHE thought i could.

The support of others helps us believe the best about ourselves, helps us raise up to BE our best selves.

And I am doing much better, maybe not fabulous, but much, much better.

As mom struggles, I struggle. I've been vegging out today. For me, that's a setback. I haven't exercised yet, again, today. And I didn't yesterday. I don't "feel" like moving. I 'know' that I 'can' do it, i just don't feel like it. [subsequently, i did take a walk.]

What produces inaction? Fear of pain. Why are we so scared to hurt, a little, if it will make us BETTER????? And when you DO do it, it doesn't even cause that much discomfort.

I have to PUSH myself. Mom has to push herself.

I hope and pray that my mother does not give up the fight and that SHE pushes herself. I hope that deep inside of her, there is something fighting to push forward, to get better, to overcome. She has too much more life to experience. She has my wedding to attend. She's just gotta do it. If I can do it, she can do it.

Your positive actions forward, your energy moved forward, and of course, your prayers issued forward, will help, i believe. Not just for you, but for her and for me. We all gotta move the energy. We all gotta not give up and we all gotta keep hoping. So, please continue to send out postive vibes and prayers and energies and actions for her healing, that she will fight through this latest setback and overcome this. Do this for HER and for YOUR own progress forward. I hope we all use this opportunity to push ourselves alittle. If we can do it, so can she. If she can do it, so can we.

"Come on, mom, you did it before, you can do it again. Just like you told me. You can do it, mom!"

Thank you.

xxoo michelle joy

A Day In The Life Of A Vegetarian - Eating Binge Eating Disordered - Raw Food Chef Whose Mom Is Still In I.C.U.


: Watermelon, 91 cals
SN: Small Cheesy Veggie Wrap - lite wheat wrap, 2 triangles lite laughing cow light cheese, 1 fresh tomato and spinach leaves, 214 cals
LN: Mock Tofu Eggsalad Salad - mock tofu eggsalad from Whole Foods, large salad of romaine, carrot, cucumber, celery, onion, 305 cals
SN: 1 Skinny Cow Ice cream: 170 cals
DN: Spelt Spaghetti Dinner - spelt spaghetti, lots of veggies, marinara sauce, 1 boca burger, 1 tbsp parm cheese, 1 tsp olive oil, 1 slice whole grain bread: 798 cals
SN: 4th Meal - 1 tofu hotdog on bun, 2 skinny cow icecream sandwhiches (was hungry): 480 cals
TOTAL CALS: 2,174 cals

: 4,087 steps (no formal walk yesterday) 165 cals burned and 2.0 miles walked entire day.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yesterday was a hard day. My mom took a turn for the worse and they didn't know what was wrong. They finally discovered only today that the terrible pain she was experiencing in her stomach may have been due to a blockage in the drainage tube from her surgery. It's flowing again, her blood pressure is back up and her fever broke. Unfortunately, they had to intubate her again, as she had evidence of a lot of fluid in her lungs. They're still trying to determine the exact cause of her setback.

I'm hopeful, however, that she'll bounce back. She had been doing SO well, and this episode came on her suddenly. Perhaps now it's resolved and she'll move in the right direction again, as she had been.

Please continue to pray for my mother's full recovery. I appreciate your support so much.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was hungry last night and ate what amounted to a 4th meal, really, but it never went out of control, and when i was done eating, i felt satisfied, and i didn't eat any more calories than i have been, so, all in all, i'm getting by. Maybe no incredible strides were made yesterday, but i'm ok with it. It would have been nice to have made it through the day with less calories since i didn't do a formal walk yesterday, but, I had hunger and chose to eat. If i look at what i'm doing as a 'lifestyle' instead of a 'diet,' i did fine. At least i didn't binge. I'm still doing fitday, i'm still writing down everything i eat. I'm eating a moderate amount of calories compared to my binge eating days. I'm going in the right direction for curing my eating disorder.

As far as my "health" or my "weight problem," I'm not so sure how i'm doing. I'm eating vegetarian, lots of evil soy products that i love, and lots of dairy treats. It's definitely tons better than how i was doing only weeks ago.

I'm on some kind of a journey. I'll let you know what happens when i finally reach my destination!

Vegetarian does not come without it's consequences. I'd mentioned a strange lump on my calf i noticed recently. With all of the sodium and processed foods, i'm pretty sure my blood pressure is still up. And my energy is not soaring. I still look like I weigh the same everytime i look at myself which i try to make peace with. I'm not eating 'diet' caloric amounts, afterall, so i'll probably only lose if i vigorously exercise daily.

The one good thing is I have a ton more peace around food these days. Lots and lots of junk in the house and constantly in the hospital cafeteria, yet, i don't eat it emotionally, only when i'm hungry, make good choices now, and I've stopped binge eating. So, for today, this is worth it. Perhaps a necessary stone to tread on along my walk.

xoxo michelle joy

Saturday, June 12, 2010


FOOD TODAY Saturday, June 12, 2010

R means raw food; calories were calculated using
  • BR: R Big green smoothie - R spinach, R mango, R grapes, R 1 banana, filtered water: 355 cals
  • SN: Lowfat yogurt and a R pear: 256 cals
  • LN: Whole wheat wrap with 1 peice of baked tofu, R lots of spinach, R tomato, R onion, ketchup, mustard and "Nayonaise"; 9 rice chips: 515 cals
  • DN: white rice, string beans and carrots, asian dressing and tofu chunks at the hospital: 828 cals
  • SN: "skinny cow" ice cream sandwhich, and one "skinny cow" fudgey bar - HUNGRY!!! : 240 cals
  • TOTAL CALS: 2,296 cals

    EXERCISE: Pedometer steps: 12, 660 or 6.3 miles, which included a walk up hill and back from Hospital to Whole Foods and back (738 cals burned!)

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hi Folks,

Mom had a really CALM, SERENE day. My heart should be happy, yet i'm melancholy. I'm struggling with being very emotional.

I need to start doing my meditation daily again, i think. It helps me overcome my nature to just be overreactive and overemotional.

I use a meditation I learned years ago by Roy Masters, a jewish/christian spiritual/psychological guru I used to listen to regularly on the radio and have heard speak live many, many times. Roy's website is Roy Masters is where I first learned about RAW FOOD!!! Roy wrote a book tauting raw, as Adam and Eve ate it, called "Eat No Evil."

I can honestly say that Roy Masters has been one of THE biggest influences on my life.

I need to get back to my meditation. The meditation (actually an excercise in awareness) teaches you to live in the moment, stop living in the future (fear, usually) or the past (depression, regret, etc...). You learn how to step outside of your 'thinking' self...(intellect) and your 'feeling' self (emotions) and just 'be' this present moment...where no past, no future exist.

It's VERY powerful, just learning to BE, and to detach from the emotions, detach from the constant whirl of obsessive thinking.

Detaching from emotions sounds like it would be a bad thing, but actually it's a really GOOD thing. It enables you to take action, to overcome yourself and do things you didn't think you could do. For instance, let's say there's a fire, and you're so overcome with fear, you can't think straight and you die in the fire. Or you're supposed to exercise, but you don't FEEL like it. Giving into those "feelings" of fear (fear of discomfort, etc.) does you no good. People who have their head screwed on straight and can operate under pressure and stress and overcome how they 'feel' about things, obviously have an advantage. They may not 'wanna' do something, but they do it. I'd like to be one of those people.

Constantly REACTING to stress is EXHAUSTING. How could a surgeon operate if everytime he went to cut someone, he cried for their pain (or something, you know what i mean....). Or how could a police officer arrest someone if he felt "badly" for them.

I'm exhausted, depressed and melancholy from this whole thing with my mom. Cliff keeps reminding me to keep my chin up. "I know it's hard to see your mom suffer, but she's doing so well!" I'm stuck in reacting to the suffering.

I can only be good for mommy if I'm in good shape myself. My strength will enable her strength.

Take my dad, for example, he's a mess. He can't sleep. He's overeating. Eating all of the wrong stuff. He's reacting to the stress of my mother's absence at home. His reacting to the stress only makes him more and more stressed out. It doesn't work.

Did eating over the stress of my catering gigs make them go better...or worse???

When i had the catering stuff, i was like a nuclear reactor. It was SUCH a stressful event, i really got sucked in to reacting, big time. I couldn't do my best work. I was a MESS.

I'm better now, but not good enough. I feel bad too much. What good does that do ME OR my mom??????

I need to work on learning to live in the moment. Mommy is not here with me, (I'm home.) so why should i be fretting so about her???

I had a HUGE lesson this morning. I was awful with guilt that i had gotten to mom so late, 1 pm. I KNEW she would be awful, in terrible pain, squirming all over, restless, and that she would be missing me.

I had prayed a prayer over her the night before that she rest comfortably. And in the morning had worked the SECRET on what i wanted for her that day: that she be comfortable, that she be calm.

She couldn't have BEEN any calmer today! My worst fears were NOT realized.

So, right here, here and now, I let that melancholy GO. GO!!!! I remain positive. I live in the moment. And I TRUST that God and the nurses will take care of her. I pray and manifest for my mother a night of sleep and glorious rest. And for tomorrow, another day of peace, comfort and freedom from pain (or acceptance with her level of pain, perhaps i should say, as some pain may be needed to move forward). I ask for another day of progress forward in her recovery that is nothing more than she can handle.

I love you, mommy.

xoxo michelle joy