Alot happens in one day to change a persons plans.
Isn't Meredith cute? I've decided ultimately to start another 3 week round of raw and to forget the cooked beans and veggies for now. And Meredith is going to help me.
All of this will be GOOD for me, in due time. I'm going to study more and get prepared, but with the binge eating on cooked food having continued, unplanned, TODAY, and my weight is up an astounding 20 pounds since i last checked on Halloween, 10 days ago, I've decided to take drastic measures again and go back on 80-10-10 for the next few days and to continue to include limited raw gourmet in my plan, aided by Meredith.
I actually feel much much more comfortable about this plan right now as i KNOW it and it feels familiar. Giving it all up to make baked eggplant rolletini and baked stuffed peppers as Dr. Fuhrman suggests feels foreign and frightening to me at the moment, and i fear for my ability to stick to just that and not veer off into scrambled eggs and a half of a loaf of bread and a stick of butter again.
On Saturday, I'm due to receive the first of three small shipments of raw gourmet foods that i had pre-ordered from Meredith.
I've spoken of her many many a time. I'm sure you all know of her right now, but if you don't, please check out her websites. She is marvelous. http://www.therawseed.com/ and http://www.poppyseedtree.com/.
I realized these little shipments i had preordered might actually be a little blessing in disguise and just the thing to help me get back on track.
This is, afterall, 'pure-RAW-joy' and the whole point was to stay raw for the advantages it had to my weight and my binge eating. The cooked food binges the last few days were just AWFUL, i mean, deliciously awful, but WAY WAY W A Y W..A..Y..more out of control than even my VERY WORST raw binge, and the weight gain seems more extreme. I'm sure at least 10 lbs of this gain is all water weight, anyway. The rest of heavy grains. You'll be shocked how quickly they'll clean through.
Meredith understands my predicament and offered her support to get me through this latest slip. What divine providence! Meredith will be my sponsor for the next 3 weeks. I will continue along in the same path that i have been, and i will do a mixture of 80-10-10 and gourmet raw, using her packages, reporting daily to her.
The opportunity to get back on the raw path, supported, under Meredith's guidance, is intensely appealing. Meredith is a special person, a very insightful beam of light, positive and in the zone. And I need a friend now. I need a hand to hold. And honestly, she feels like an angel right now. And i feel blessed to be steered back onto the raw path by a strong raw foodist.
I called to inquire about Dr. Fuhrman's services. $580 an hour to see him in Flemington, NJ and follow up visits are $250. Well. That's just not something i am able to do. And i'm scared transferring over to an alltogether new diet. Cliff said, "So, you're going to abandon what's been working for you for 3 years???" He's been so concerned about me.
I have to admit, a cooked food addict cannot be trusted sometimes, unaided, with the cooked food, no matter if it is pasta or toast, or legal lean cooked beans and cooked veggies. Best to just let go of the notion for now and revisit it at a stronger moment for me, when i have more confidence in my ability to be successful at it.
So, for the next 3 weeks i am going to be under Meredith's tuteledge! I'm actually really excited! After that, we shall see.
Look, i haven't been doing GREAT since i started the blog, but i haven't been doing disasterously either. Maybe day to day i seem like a crazed lunetic, but overall, though i've made some progress, at least i haven't gotten WORSE. I mean, i don't weigh in the 280's. I did see in black and white just how useful 80-10-10 could really be, if i would just LET it be.
The preverbial shit really started to hit the fan when i opened the door to cooked food. Well, i think the worst decision was when i ate bread. I'm like that alcoholic character Nicholas Cage plays in Leaving Las Vegas. I started...and it snowballed and I had 3 horrendous huge wheat and fat centered binges within 1 week, way bigger than with raw, and I'm having great difficulty stopping. I NEVER planned on eating cooked again today. But i succumbed. It's a slippery slope out there and i need a hand to hold to get me back on track.
Meredith said, "I will help you in any way i can. Dustin and I have been concerned about you."
I'm so grateful for the support.
Meredith gave me a homework assignment already, which i am happy to share with you:
THREE things i did that are steps in the right direction today:
- i drank a green smoothie for breakfast even though i didn't 'want' to
- i ordered vegetarian binge foods, yay! veggie lomein, brown rice, mozzerella sticks and did not eat meat.
- i threw out the cold sesame noodles in peanut sauce after 1 bite because they were revolting and i didn't finish the broccoli pizza because it tasted like citric acid coated veggies.
- i purchased 2 raw themed health books by Dr. Joel Fuhrman "Eat to Live" and his book on fasting.
- i wrote to you and asked for help and accepted it when you offered it.
oops, that's 5! do i get an F for this assignment? or an A+???
THREE things i love about myself:
- i love that i want to sing and that it's important enough to me that i am practicing what i was taught at my last lesson even though i was discouraged and that it seems to be working. I love that i love to sing.
- i love that even though i was bingeing today i was NOT filled with self loathing, but had a rather relaxed attitude about it, not shame based, because i knew i would not let it go further.
- i love that i have good friends that can help me get back on track, and that i've been honest to myself about what's happening, to cliff and to friends, honest on the blog, and that i've been seeking solutions.
ONE goal for tonight:
- do the dishes and straighten up the downstairs.
ONE goal for tomorrow: i am off tomorrow, so have plenty of time to accomplish all three of the following goals
- Plan my food and follow through 80-10-10ing to recouperate from this last tremendous abuse to my body until Saturday.
- Make headway in straightening/cleaning/organizing the upstairs dining room and kitchen
- Take my first walk in over 2 weeks.
If i seem like a ship without rudder, flitting from one idea to the next, believe me, i feel like one, and I agree with you. But, I can't even look back now, just trust this next phase is pre-destined, and where i'm meant to be. I'm happy to kind of shut out the entire idea of cooked, at least for a few weeks.
Please, please keep in touch. I need you, too.
xoxo michelle joy