Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I bare it all....


It's frightening to be where I'm at right now, AND to be forthright and honest about it.

I'm sick with a cold, AND I binged again today on bread, bagels, pasta, rice, butter, milk, eggs .

Well, at least I'm still a vegetarian.

This is the third cooked food binge episode I've had in the last 2 months, the second i've had in the last week, and in total, the third i've had within the last 3 years as a raw vegan. In fact, I celebrate my 3rd anniversary as a raw vegan on November 15.

I just need to back up a little. To kind of clarify where my head is.

So much has been going through my head lately. As i contemplate it all, i see a pattern of being influenced towards incorporating some cooked food into my diet over and over and over, and finding interest in this as a possible way for me to go.

Cooked beans and vegetables have been a part of my diet for the last few days, and i was thrilled with it. I woke up energetic, having eaten almost no fat, basically green smoothies for breakfast and cooked veggies and beans for lunch and dinner. I felt wonderful, other than the fact i had gotten a cold a few days earlier. I thought this would help me recover, cooked soup being not only soothing to a cold, but nutritious.

My voice felt better (low fat helps with reflux laryngitis), i lost the bloat from excess salt, and i really felt hopeful that i could embark on a new path of losing weight and getting healthier, and enjoy some comforting foods that just so happen to be zero fat.

I've not been able to lose any more substantial weight from the initial huge weight loss of 140 lbs in 8 months 3 years ago, although i have lost 35 more since doing more 80-10-10 and exercising. (Although now it might only be 20....)

All in all, what i've been doing isn't working for me. The insanity of swinging from 80-10-10 to gourmet. Then feeling like gourmet is my savior. To feeling like gourmet raw is my addiction. You know when an alcoholic finally takes that first drink the intense euphoria, "Oh, god, this is it! it's so wonderful! Of course i can control it!" only to watch themselves be dragged into the gutter carrying empty bottles. The alcoholic eventually loses control. Just like i do.

I can't seem to make peace with gourmet raw. I can't seem to control my fat intake in that diet. Plus, I don't feel well eating it. And 80-10-10 doesn't seem like the answer, either. After many months on that diet, just waiting to get off of it to have some gourmet raw, it just doesn't seem to appeal to me anymore.

So, what IS the answer?

I've been eating cooked beans the last few days, and cooked vegetables, and i really like them. Wooooo, scary.

The fact that i binged on cooked bread and fat and lots of it is kind of, sort of, insanely, besides the point. I know that road is hopeless. Cooked bread and butter is too insanely delicious for me to even contemplate maintaining that in my diet. I think these episodes have been growing pains. Painful, scary ones, but they are more out of frustration and boredom than anything else.

Emotionally, the only thing bothering me now is that my voice is in a sucky place, I want and need to sing and want and need to find a diet that supports my vocal health. Unfortunately, gourmet raw does not. As certainly butter and milk and anything cooked fatty does not. I think that was just a little rebellious detour.

I had a sucky singing lesson the other day after high fat raw swelled my larynx. I swear i feel like an alcoholic with fat. I had been low fat raw with no salt for days to ready myself for my singing performance on Halloween. If i tell you i was PHENOMENOL, believe me. I RARELY say i was any good at all. I was FABULOUS.

And then i came home immediately and treated myself. To fat. And more fat. And more. And then i couldn't stop. And then it became cooked fat. A big snowball that rolled out of control. And my voice is awful. And i'm a singer. And 'purerawjoy' was supposed to be about losing weight and recapturing my singing and living in joy.

I'm not living in joy with reflux.

I do think, from a purely, nutritional standpoint in going lowfat to benefit my voice AND my weight, that there is hope in the direction of cooked beans and veggies in that i can eat these foods fat and salt free and they STILL taste good. It's almost impossible to eat a salad with no dressing on it, at least it is for me.

I'll tell you where this headspace all began. I think it all started with Rebecca walking in to Arnolds Way. Check out her incredibly inspiring story here.


Rebecca is a vegetarian following Dr. Joel Fuhrman's Eat to Live program, a salt free low fat program of 50% raw veggies and fruits, nuts, seeds, avo and 50% cooked veggies, beans and some starchy veggies. Since i last saw her, Rebecca has lost another 100 lbs, whereas I have not.

I'm still stuck. I'm still trying to eat fattening raw stuff in moderation and miserably failing, and getting nowhere.

Then Dr. Manguzzi walked into Arnolds Way. His clients eat a mostly raw diet with beans, no starch, very low fat, and continue to lose.

And Susan, my catering partner, eats about 5-15% of her diet cooked (beans, veggies, bread, some fish).

It's all been working on me, mentally.

I'm balding, i have reflux, and i can't lose anymore weight.

The online binge eating program has been good, but i've been perplexed about what to do with food. At work, i fail, falling under the spell of the gourmet stuff i make for people. At home, i started eating cooked starches and eggs. Snoring returned. Reflux is awful. I'm bloated. I'm confused. I'm a mess. I refuse to allow myself to spin anymore out of control than i already am. I need to find something that will work for ME.

I turned raw to 1) lose weight, 2) stop compulsive eating. I've done both, but my results have not been as successful as i would like. i binge on gourmet raw (fats, nuts/seeds), and i have another 100 lbs to lose. Gourmet raw seems like a healthful option for people who 1) can control their intake of it 2) don't suffer from reflux. I think for me it's a never ending battle and it's going no where for me.

Everyday on this blog i'm in a different head space trying to find my way. One day i'm touting the orgasmic qualities of the gourmet raw diet, the next i'm bashing it. I feel like Sybill with 20 personalities. I can't go on like this anymore.

I never wanted to pick up cooked food because i was afraid it would lead to binge eating out of control. Well, i suppose in a way, it has. These cooked food binges have been way way worse than any raw binge i've ever had.

But i don't see hope on the horizon with raw, especially raw gourmet. I can't lose weight eating tons of nuts, yet, i can't seem to control them, especially when they're mixed with salt and oil and it's so yummy.

Perhaps beans and cooked veggies I can handle. And i can put all of the other stuff behind me (bread, eggs, etc...)

I'm going to look into Dr. Fuhrman's diet, "EAT TO LIVE." Rebecca lost 330 lbs eating this way for the past 5 years. If cooked beans and veggies can benefit my health, my voice and my weight, why the fuck not?

Perhaps i can grow some hair back, start losing weight again and not swing back and forth between two radically opposed plans anymore, nor give into insane cooked food binges, but just stick to a commn sense vegetarian low fat at least 50% raw diet that i'm committed to that will work for me.

I sincerely welcome your comments.

xoxoxo michelle joy


Debbie said...


I'm sorry you having such a hard time. Do you think you gave 80 10 10 enough time?


Laura said...

Oh sweetie, hang in there. Fuhrman is great. I think he's got the sanest and my scientifically balanced approach out there.

I've given copies of Eat to Live out to many people I'm so impressed with it (except the recipes suck. you're creative and a chef and I know you'll be able to adapt them to be flavorful).

It's a very high raw diet and shouldn't aggravate any physical conditions.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that Fuhrman will provide the peace you seek with food.