Monday, November 23, 2009

Intimacy = Into Me See

Hiya Folks,

I wrote this the other day....i think it's referring to Monday...

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Today was a good day. Chocolate Banana Shake for breakfast, Fuhrman soup for lunch and the rest of the chocolate banana shake for dinner. Wasn't too hungry today.

And was productive. That's a good day for me. I vacumed and set up what will now be my and Cliff's "closet room," an extra bedroom that we have in our big big old house that will function as our walk-in closet since these 100 year old houses in Manayunk were built WITHOUT closets! Needless to say, we've had organizational problems since we began living here. It doesn't help that Cliffy and I are both packrats prone to getting out of control with messes!

Now that Cliff's handicapped mom is thriving in a nursing home, we've finally tackled the huge job of getting this place organized, painted, and decorated just for us. Megan's been coming weekly and it's been immensely helpful. She's due here Wednesday!!!!

Just as things are percolating in our home life...moving and are things moving and shaking in our personal life. Lots of realizations and discovery of the real issues of our relationship. I'm thinking it may all be related???

Did anyone see Oprah the other day about sex addiction? Being an addict in general, i really related to it. The real issue with sex addicts, Dr. Drew stated, was that they can't form close bonds and they have great difficulty with intimacy. The seek the "drug" of sex as a substitute for intimacy.

My Clifford is the farthest thing from a sex addict, but sometimes opposites are twins. I think he struggles with intimacy greatly...and avoids it. He is afraid i'll "see into" him something weak and no good that i don't want and that i'll reject. So he tries to act tough like nothing bothers him.

For me, i'm also afraid of someone seeing deep inside of me that i'm no good, that i'm damaged goods. I think the state of my skin from all of this constant weight gain/weight loss, which has done so much incredible damage (very hangy, cellulite, stretch marks) is an expression of my fear of what i really am. No good. Unworthy. Ugly.

When i think of trying to find another partner/lover, i immediately fear rejection. I don't look good, therefore i am unlovable, undesirable. A woman's appeal lies in her physical perfection.

Intellectually, I know i'm loveable. I have friends and family and clients and fans who adore me, but there's something deep, deep inside that lives in me that says, "You're just not good enough."

I judge myself harshly on the state of my skin. If i were single and had to reveal my naked self to potential lovers? I've done it before and have been rejected. I can't handle it. Too painful.

Cliff and I don't have a HOT relationship, but he accepts and loves me unconditionally. It's a SAFE relationship, one i've grown so attached to. With all of it's faults, it still offers me so much that makes me feel SAFE, LOVED and PROTECTED.

I often, however, feel conflicted about how the relationship does NOT serve my needs, yet, all in all, i don't WANT to leave him. I may fantasize about it, but i haven't yet.

I know Cliff struggles with believing he is lovable too. That's one of the things that makes me love him so much. Because he NEEDS my love, and because he truly does have ALOT of wonderful qualities that i value.

Being adopted, i know what abandonment and rejection feel the core. Someone gave ME away because they didn't want me. It aches me deep inside. Still. Having to face constant rejection out in the single world? A very unattractive proposition.

There have been times in our life when we've been more attuned intimately than others. When we take the time to massage or caress or dry brush each other. He loves it when i cut his hair, pluck his ears, groom him. He feels neglected when i don't do these things that show my love. I feel neglected when he doesn't hold me, kiss me, tell me he loves me, take interest in me sexually.

Today we were back in love again. I felt heard, seen. It made me wonder if all of thing binge eating is something i just do for attention.

When Cliff is feeling 'less than' or frightened for the future, he has a hard time sexually. It's a confidence issue. And I seem to always want it, sex, am more dominant sexually, and have found a partner who almost never wants it.

After watching the Oprah program on sex addiction, i have to ask myself, 'what does this mean about me that i constantly try to get blood from a stone? Why have i partnered myself with someone who has problems with or just does not desire physical/sexual / sensual intimacy?

Dr. Drew said that people who don't get what they want feel they don't deserve it.

I suppose i never felt good enough.

I can't tell whether to view our relationship as a good thing that i cherish. Or a bad thing that I need to turn from.

I guess like ALL relationships, it's a mixture of both.

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I subsequently had another cooked binge last night, but woke up and was straight up with Cliff and told him everything. His support is immensely motivating to me. So far today i've been raw and haven't taken action not to be, although i've thought about it, i ultimately chose not to indulge. It's an internal very subtle inside thing. Something in me felt heard and doesn't NEED it today.

I think i crave attention.

Eeek. That's frightening. Like a Liza Minelli or a Marilyn Monroe or Robert Downey Jr. Talented people need an outlet, though, and if they don't do their art, their addictive life can dominate.

I worked today on a new vocal program for the retirement homes and also contacted some of the opera singing restaurants to sing there.

My addiction is complex to unravel, but different aspects of it become clearer daily.

xoxo michelle joy

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