I slept in today, like ALL day. I had a bad food day yesterday. I binged on cooked food.
But, i promised myself i wouldn't talk about the food, and would instead focus on the issues.
Here's a snippet of a letter I sent to Meredith, but i actually made some clarifications for the purpose of the blog and to explain my feelings, so here you go:
"well, today didn't go well at all. i awoke very emotionally and physically, sensually needy. i was aware of it, but i didn't know what to do with it. i was obviously unskilled enough or unable or unwilling to get those needs met without food. it all went out of control. badly. real bread and pasta. the butter is the worst part. kills my singing voice.
i touched on the issue in my blog entry in the morning, and it seemed to never get resolved and the needy feeling was never fulfuilled.
cliff sensed there was something wrong and tried to engage me in conversation about other things, i don't know, whales, animals, i don't know what he was talking about. he likes to talk about things, not us. i withdrew. i cried instead. we were in the car together and i was crying and he never asked why. what he wanted from me, and what i wanted from him were two different things. it was a perfect example of conflict. he wanted mental stimulation and i wanted emotional or physical or sensual. i craved connection one way, he another. we were both feeling unfulfilled. i said, 'i'm sorry we're so incompatible today' and we held hands the rest of the day. it was sweet, but obviously not enough for me later when i was alone and food looked real good.
from my end i was needing warmth, connection. to be asked what was wrong. imagine sitting there crying and the person you love never asks why.
i felt like i had no other 'choice' but to gravitate toward food later as there was no one physically or emotionally there to relieve it.
i guess i checked out also. it was a challenge i was unskilled to overcome. i understand now it was my CHOICE to do that. i could have taken a walk. called a friend. i chose food.
nevertheless, it is apparent to me that cliff is emotionally and sensually or sexually unavailable, often. he always has been. but, usually, i get by. i guess with food. today for the first time in a long time i thought maybe i NEED a different partner, and it scared me very much.
thinking about writing on the blog, i thought to myself how much better it would be to talk about how i FEEL instead of always focusing on food, or presenting food (dr. fuhrman or raw or gourmet or whatever) as the answer to my binge issues.
then i received a message, a comment, from a reader confirming this intuitiion.
thanks for that comment! i really should be working on these issues with a therapist or with the help of a book the reader suggested instead of focusing on food.
i'm aware i'm all over the place. i try this. i try that. everyday it's something
different. i can't follow through. whatever i try doesn't 'work'. it's not that i don't have good intentions. at least i'm trying. the difference is, most people don't have blogs and report daily to the world.
i've been spinning my wheels and making no real progress for a long time i think.
I ate up most of what you sent allready and it was so wonderful, but i think what's ailing me is deeper than solving this with food. raw food is awesome and gives me more energy, but it doesn't take away my emptiness, my pain, my feelings of emotional, sexual, sensual abandonment. I have emotional work to do.
i suppose i'm really in charge of those feelings and if i chose to stuff them with food, it's really MY issue and not cliff's. i could go have an affair, get a massage, take a walk. i choose food.
anyway, cliff is out getting some movies for us. he's making an effort. and now it's too late. i'm numb now. and i feel so entirely stuffed. empty and stuffed all at once.
we're just so incompatible sometimes especially when i am feeling very needy, very sexual, very intense. i feel i need passion, great intensity, great emotional connection. i crave it. he is incapable of giving this, or unwilling, especially the more intense i am.
it's not that i'm totally blameless. often he feels controlled by me. i'm a strong personality. so the only way he knows how to rebel against that control is to withdraw, which he does so well. it's his modus operandae. he doesn't discuss, communicate, he just withdraws. emotionally, physically, sexually, sensually.
plus, he is just a cerebral person and that's how he operates and i know that. and i've loved him so long knowing that. and it works as long as i keep losing control with eating. but i don't think the relationship works for me without food. I need much more. otherwise food looks real good.
i need to sing monday and i just did it to myself again. reflux central. tomorrow, and tonight, i'm back on track, getting over this latest hump. i'll be in touch tomorrow.
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this morning i told him i was mad at him because he was 'asexual, not passionate, not emotional, not giving, not warm,' and that i didn't want to go down the shore with him today. his response was to say, 'fine. i'm going out by myself' and he got up and left. that he engaged in no conversation, no communication left me reeling, made me feel abandoned and like dying. i went to sleep. until 3pm. i said to myself, 'you see? this is the reaction i get. it's not all me. i need communication, and what do i get?'
when i came down at 3pm, he was back, but getting ready to leave again. he wasn't talking to me now. now he's mad at me. he said, 'i'm leaving, i'll be back later.' i didn't expect HIM to be angry at ME now. i followed him out to the garage and knocked on the window of the car he was in. 'can i talk to you for a minute?' he said no and backed up slowly, leaving me in the garage. a very bold move on his part.
now i'm alone in the dark at home and feeling badly for 'making him angry at me.' it's not that he doesn't try. he takes GOOD care of me. pays for me. does for me. cares for me. loves me. he's just who he is. and i'm just who i am. and we have different needs. he needs alot of mental stimulation. and i HATE talking about things. i need a lot of emotional and sensual and physical stimulation and CONNECTION. basically, we're just incompatible, though we've made it work all of these years because i wanted him. i've always been the dominant one in the relationship. i've always been the 'leader' of sorts. i loved him. and that was that.
revealing all of this to strangers is not really comfortable. i guess i'd much rather talk about food. but that's the problem, i think. and food is not the answer. i used to think that the food is what made me binge, but i think it's a mental choice colliding with very strong internal needs.
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i dont' feel particularly obsessed or addicted to bread today because i ate it yesterday. i have to sing tomorrow and i know better. something stronger than food is keeping me in line today. in fact, i haven't eaten a thing. i'm not even hungry. i'm aware of what i'm going through and i'm here. i'm present. i'm chosing not to binge. i'm chosing not to even eat.
i called him and he's not answering his phone.
i feel like i can't live with him sometimes, but i can't live without him. we definitely, i definitely have loved him, have wanted this relationship to work. i've been pulling it along all of these 10 years. if i stopped pulling, what would happen? what happened today. he's gone. we've talked about breaking up before many times but usually it's me who is begging to keep us together. i have always wanted that. to feel loved. to be in a relationship. to show what love can do. i never wanted to be one of those girls whose relationships don't work. i don't want to be alone.
one of my coworkers broke up with her boyfriend who she felt wasn't right for her only to immediately find someone who fulfilled more of her needs.
I've always felt like 'the grass is always greener.' best to stick with what you've got and make that work. i never wanted to sacrifice my relationship for my own needs. i thought that was selfish. all of these years loving each other to just have it end. for what?
anyway, that's where i'm at. i think it's a lot more honest than talking about food. but i'm not real comfortable with it.
i don't know what's going to be with cliff and me. i don't know if i'm going to continue to fight for 'us' or if my energies should go towards fighting for ME and what i apparently need. but, you know, plenty of people live in incompatible relationships, but they don't choose to binge. i think it is a choice. and it's defintiely a choice, a habit, that is not serving me. i've been binge eating WAY before Cliff and i'll binge after him. it's not HIM. It's ME. It's filling something in me that i have to learn to fill without food. And i have to learn to fill it myself. It's MY responsibility.
xoxo michelle joy