Monday, August 30, 2010

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW


I've lost almost 40 lbs in the 30 days I've been following a custom plan by Dr. Douglas Graham and emailing him daily and receiving email counseling by him daily.

I'm super enjoying it.

Month #2 is coming up in 2 days!

Dr. Graham, or "Dr. D" for Doug as he refers to himself, is suggesting our next course of action - opening up the food playing field a bit to include raw corn and avocado (eh, perhaps, it's in discussion, not sure what his determination will be), with one week per month of WATERMELON ISLAND to excelerate weight loss. He asked, "Are you up for it?" Well, it sounds hard and challenging, but like it would be worth it!

I am close to getting out of the 290's again, yay.

I can't believe just 1 month ago i was in desperation and hopeless and was so bloated and fat that my bras didn't fit anylonger, nor did my underwear. I felt hopeless that i would ever get back to where i was - below 300 lbs...and last summer weighing my lowest raw weight of 249 lbs.

My eating and weight totally spun OUT OF CONTROL. I was in shock over my mom and not coping, just stuffing, numbing. And once you get on that roll with binge eating, chemically, it takes on a life of it's own. The cravings take control of you. The sick, twisted mind that thinks food is actually HELPING you is in control. You're out of the picture. You're lost. Gone.

The fact that i was able (at a high cost, hiring Dr. D) to turn things around after only (ONLY) an 80 lb gain (in one year) is actually miraculous. I am the QUEEN of re-gaining all of my lost weight back PLUS MORE. When i was 21, i weighed 299 and lost 149 lbs, and weighed 150 lbs following OA HOW, another completely restrictive program i thrived under. After I went off of it, "it was as if a dam let loose." I never stopped gaining until i weighed well over 300 lbs. I gained ALL of it back, plus more.

This time, i didn't.

Today, with raw, thank GOD, i have MORE control, MORE ability to get back on track.

I'm so grateful to be back here.

I still have serious food thoughts daily. I imagine and dream about the day when i can eat "normally" and have pasta with parmesan and olive oil in Tuscany, and corn tortillas and guacamole and fresh salsa with salt and garlic in Tijuana. (I watch alot of cooking shows.)

Food is one of the GREAT pleasures of life....

For normal people.

I wish i was normal.

Maybe some day i can be? I think i'd need to pray and meditate NONSTOP, especially before eating to get "over" food's enormous all encompassing appeal to me. I'm am still obviously so caught up in it. I think of food still.

What's amazing to me is that on Dr. D's plan, i feel so entirely FREE of the clutches of food and binge eating. Like when i go to the market, i never get swayed to buy something i "shouldn't." I never compulsively pull over into a fast food restaurant and ask myself afterwards how i got there. I don't get EXCITED by food anymore. I'm FREE.

But, i still dream....

I LOVE that excitement over food!

Dr. D's plan was a quick fix in a way to rescue me from myself, from eating myself to death, and maybe it is the medicine i need today, to be severely restricted.

But, I yearn to break free. Break out. Crusty bread with butter. An off the cuff meal at an indian restaurant. A quick veggie burger and fries when i feel like it. Like NORMAL people do. Eat when you're hungry. Stop when you've had enough. Stay thin. Like normal people do who aren't obsessed with food, who just enjoy food when they're hungry, and don't think about it again until they are.

Could i ever be restored to that kind of a freedom within food? Ala Geneen Roth? It would be so nice. It's such a nice dream.

In that dream, there's no cancer or swollen feet or hemmorhoids or greasy skin and hair and armpit and vaginal odor and wierd rashes and reflux laryngitis. There's just wonderful food, glorious food, eaten with intense pleasure whenever i'm hungry...and never getting fat!

Maybe it's just a dream. Maybe it's just a fantasy like one drink is to an alcoholic.

I have a spiritual mentor, Roy Masters, http://www.fhu.com/, who was the FIRST person to ever tell me about raw. He wrote a book, "Eat No Evil," which i still have and should re-read. A very telling part of the book is when he describes what WE do to an apple to create an apple strudel, degrading it into something so enticing that people can't keep their hands off of it, when the plain, simple apple, from God's bounty is what was provided for us by our Creator. Masters explains that the apple is less-ego gratifying for us, that it doesn't HOOK us in...and addict us. What do they say, "A man's heart is through his stomach?" How many mamas rope their children into food addiction using matzo ball soup or a big bowl of pasta and meatballs or fried chicken? Cultural food is particularly addictive.

Nevertheless, Roy also insists that alcoholics CAN drink ONE glass of wine and learn to not abuse alcohol, but only if they are intensely centered and spiritually constantly aware and actively meditating and not acting from their "lower man," but from their "higher man."

We all have a gluttonous, sex addicted, drug addicted, lying, cheating "sin-self," which we can learn to keep at bay, with God's help, teaches Roy.

The Human Man, i think, is the only creature that needs to actively be connected to God in order to tame himself. We have free will, whereas the animals live on instinct. We have conflicting drives within us. One that will force us to eat or drink ourselves to our demise. And the other, which wants to save us from ourselves. The Devil and the Angel, one on each shoulder. It is human nature. It is the human condition. No wonder why alot of Christianity seems to make sense, even if we're not Christians. We all want to be saved from ourselves, especially when we have very out of control "lower selves."

Everygal writes: "I just come across your blog because I too have just read the Diet Alternative (bought an old copy on amazon). Although I am NOT a Christian I am a spiritual person and the book really strikes a chord with me! I have had a long history of bingeing and compulsive eating and that book (and Weigh Down) http://www.weighdown.com/ are the two that have come closest to describing my experience with that kind of uncontrollable eating. Ironically, they are both written by and for Christians. My faith in being able to overcome this is just a mustard seed but I am starting to pray everyday and begin all my mornings filling up on spiritual food before turning to physical food. GOod luck, blessings!"

Karen also stated that her "windows of peace," moments of time that she "sews to the spirit instead of to the flesh" have been intensely helpful to her, though she also does not consider herself a Christian.

Here's an amazing youtube video from the Weigh Down Workshop. Pretty convincing!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD45ICXtwhk
Masters himself is a Jew, but he says he understands what Jesus was teaching, and calls this thing within us that we need to develop "the Christ-light." He doesn't believe in going to church, or synogauge, but rather to contacting this light all day via mediation, and living from that. In that light, there is no food addiction. There is no alcoholism. There is awareness and self control.

I so resonate on a good day with good religious concepts. They really make sense to me.

Maybe Banana and Watermelon Island are learning experiences for me, as is eating raw, and maybe someday, somewhere over the rainbow, I could be restored to normal...and enjoy pasta and pizza in Italy like Julia Roberts...in EAT PRAY LOVE.

I'd need to do some SERIOUS spiritual work, intense and constant mediation and prayer, to be focused enough and non-emotional enough to overcome my pull toward food. Maybe, somewhere, over the rainbow.....

But, for today, this is it! Raw is a respite from that Devil, that "monkey on my back" as Dr D puts it.

Yes, it is. A very effective one.

I look forward to my next steps...avo, corn, watermelon island.

I'm committed to THIS direction for today, but what the future holds, no one knows!

xoxo michelle joy

3 comments:

Karen said...

Excellent insights in your blog today, as always, and so helpful to me. Slowly I become less desirous of being like "normal" people eating "normal food" because I do see so much physical and mental/emotional/spiritual sickness in SAD society, and the opposite in people who are on the raw path (which I think is different for different people) that works for them. Yes, I think the spiritual part is so key for those of us with addiction. Before I went to Germany earlier in the summer, I told myself I could drink a beer and eat a pretzel when I was in Bavaria. Once I got there, I just didn't want it any more because I really felt like making healthier choices. It wasn't a sacrifice at all, I truly didn't want that stuff. So maybe your food fantasies will dissipate as you continue to make such great progress and feel great with the way you are eating. As you said, you are not swayed by anything in the market or ending up at the fast food place, you feel free of the clutches of binge eating (SO awesome!) Maybe stop watching the cooking shows for a while? I too envy slender people who enjoy their food and are not obsessed, but I just have to accept that I am not one of those people. My path in this life, if I am to get better and stay better, is definitely one that requires a deep spiritual connection, and that is what I am just recently incorporating in my daily life in a more concrete manner.

mikelle said...

lovely mjoy~ once again, thank you so much for your beautiful post. i am thrilled for you that you are doing so well with dr. d and excited for what is to come. i want to respond to what you said about "normal" people. i have no idea who those people are because i have never met one! personally, i believe that we are all working towards breaking free from our addictions - they all come in different forms. i am addicted to negative self-talk and obsession with past conversations. i get stuck in the whirlpool of my mind. i know it is bad for me but i keep doing it. i think the "normal" people are the ones who can see their addictions and are working towards healing...like YOU. so in my world, you are the normal one AND ever since i have started reading your blog, i have actively begun the healing process for myself. maybe that is a fortunate coincidence or maybe i have been led to your blog to learn how to be more open and honest with myself. what i do know for sure is that the path to healing is beautiful, definitely winding and most likely the best part.

anyway, hugs to you and i hope that you have a beautiful day. i will be rooting for avocado :)

Debbie said...

If you around the United States you will see that there are fewer and fewer "normal" people able to eat "normal" food. 60% of adults are obese. Obviously, something is not "normal". I have to agree with Dr. D that we are eating normal, not them.