The Issues!

Hi Folks,

Today will be the beginning of "BANANA ISLAND," as Dr. Douglas Graham referred to it!

Banana Island???? I'm a little perplexed at what "Banana Island" will be!!!...

Dr Graham asked me if i wanted to go "there," and without even knowing really what or WHERE it is, i said, "OK!"

I actually think i'll only, ONLY, only be eating BANANAS for an entire WEEK. Yikes. I mean, i LIKE, LOVE bananas, but....ONLY bananas...for an entire week????

Luckily, i MIGHT be wrong...or i might not be! I'm waiting for further instructions from my latest guru.

Dr. D is fond of sending emails that are very mysterious, such as: Buy a case of organic bananas and report back to me for further instructions.

Which I did.

So....nu? I'm waiting to hear my further instructions.

Wish me LUCK!!!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

THE ISSUES

A dear friend of mine, who is a practicing Therapist asked me to talk to her about the issues underlying what has been going on with me, in the hopes that talking about them would diffuse them...and maybe i would EAT less.

I wrote to her that i didn't really THINK there were many underlying issues, other than the fact that i am a food addict, and food just obsesses me to the point where it spins out of control and i am literally unstoppable.

But, it dawned on me tonight, that something VERY powerful has been at play in me...that i hardly noticed.

Talia, when i was writing you, it didn't dawn on me. I hope you don't mind if i write it here. It feels pretty important for me, and like something i need to share to move me forward.

! ! ! ! ! ! !

Tonight, i think i actually uncovered an issue, a BIG GLARING issue has has been under alot of this recent eating.

Surprisingly, it has LITTLE to do with the stress of taking care of my mother...and EVERYTHING to do with ME and my ART.

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I have a singing engagement coming up mid August at a raw festival in Perkasie, PA (www.VibrantLivingFestival.com).

After that, i have a retirement home concert in Germantown, PA, and a huge new concert in Virginia of movie music.

And I've started taking lessons with a new singing teacher, who is unlocking me from my various tensions and misuse.

Our last lesson was MIRACULOUS. I was singing notes easily with such richness and full bodied beauty. My teacher called my singing "on the verge of being sublime."

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So, what has all of this eating been about????

MUCH OF THIS EATING has been about surpressing FEAR, has been about FEAR of SUCCESS and FEAR of FAILURE, and about surpressing my CREATIVE ENERGY...i suppose...for FEAR of I don't know what....

I've talked about this before, so it may seem like no big deal to you, but to me it feels huge!

I talk to this teacher about wanting to audition for America's Got Talent, because people who've heard me sing often compare me to Susan Boyle, an undiscoverd "gem" of a voice, and I talk with my teacher about wanting to audition for the MET. And, well, she's NOT discouraging me from thinking about BIG GOALS. Rather, she's doggedly working on me to LET GO of ALL of my singing faults and finally learn HOW TO SING correctly, easily and naturally.

And p.s. - if i say my voice is a 'gem,' it's really with ZERO EGO that i write that. It's actually frightening for me to possess something so possibly powerful and marvelous. For an out of control person who often thinks of herself as pure shit to be the possessor of something so AMAZING is scary.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dolores is NOTHING like my other teacher, who spoon-fed me singing, so that i needed her and was dependant on her.

NO, Dolores says, "Don't leave here without understanding EXACTLY how you did something so that YOU can repeat it on your own without me. You need NOT to need me. If you need me, I've failed you as a teacher."

Dolores is guiding me towards INDEPENDANCE.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I didn't realize just how powerful these lessons have been. Not only on my SINGING, but on my SOUL. Something is opening. Something is blossoming. Something is growing. A tiny little bud is about to bloom.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I had probably THE BEST SINGING PRACTICE of my entire life tonight. Like from 1am - 3am!!!!! One hears of writers getting inspired at odd hours, but singers??? Luckily with the A/C on, Cliff can't hear me upstairs sleeping, and our 85 year old neighbor, Rose, is deaf.

So, tonight, everything Dolores has been teaching me:
- how to allow myself to sing freely on the breath
- how not to stop the flow of the breath before i begin a line
- how to let the tone flow and spin on the breath
- how to allow support to happen naturally and organically
- how to focus on what and how i WANT and DESIRE to sing (a line, a phrase) and to CREATE it, DIRECT it, LEAD it
- how to help allow the larynx to go down naturally to produce the fullest, richest tone....to the smallest slip of a sound....to be IN CONTROL of dynamics

....ALL come together...TONIGHT!!! On the dawn of "Banana Island..." of all times.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I GET IT.

I GOT IT.

I KNOW how to sing. I know the secret. I know it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And tomorrow, (actually today) (it's almost 4am and i've not been to sleep yet) i'll start my new life of health, to help unlock me from months of destructive EATING Behavior.

Singing freedom coming together with freedom from binge eating.

It's ALL coming together!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Suddenly, singing full and huge...is EFFORTLESS. Well, it's EFFORTLESS EFFORT. It's using myself CORRECTLY, instead of ABUSING myself.

Just like i'll do with food.

Or, uh, bananas, i guess!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two FORCES are coming together at once - learning to stop ABUSING myself with FOOD....and MY ARTISTIC SELF is on the brink of OPENING WIDE OPEN, like a big blossoming ROSE.

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My cousin recently sent me information on singing opera on cruise ships.

WOW.

That would be A Dream come true! Traveling...and singing? Oh my GOD.

My teacher said my singing was verging on "sublime." I am fucking GOOD ENOUGH to do this, Michelle. I am a professional level singer!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

If i get my shit together, i could be really good. I could be working. Singing.

I could be auditioning for cruise ships....and getting months-long jobs cruising around the Greek Isles singing "O sole mio!"

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Sine I've been acting as my mom's private duty "nurse," i've been questioning if going into NURSING might actually be an option for me.

At the hospital daily, I do alot and often MOST of what the nurses do, except i'm there, so i do it...instead of waitng 30 mins to get some service. I get my mom on and off of the bedpan, or on and off of the commode, apply ointment to her bedsore, undo her cords and wires, turn on and off her food/feeding tube, turn on/off her breathing treatment, etc...etc....etc...., give her physical therapy, cheer her on, etc...etc...etc...

The only difference is....i'm not being paid!

Being a nurse doesn't seem ALL that hard. "I might as well get PAID for it,"i started to think!

So, i've been saying to my ma, that maybe i'll go back to school for nursing..... ?????

It seems, that merely asking this QUESTION, about nursing, has opened a DOOR of my soul to what i SHOULD, or what i'm MEANT to be doing with my life. It's like.... I had a question.... "What do you think, God?" And, i actually got an answer.

Tonight.

If i'm not making raw food at Arnold's now, or i'm not meant to be a nurse, perhaps now is THE TIME to purse my TRUE talent.... SINGING.

Maybe all of that GOD stuff with the Christian book wasn't so dumb afterall. Maybe i actually tapped into something.

ME.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've been surpressig it. Denying it. Denying who i am. My gift. My calling. My dream.

Binge eating gives me reflux laryngitis. Its STOPS my singing by swelling the throat. No wonder i do it. I'm SCARED of being ME, scared of the IMPLICATIONS.

It's more powerful than i am.

I'm SCARED of FREEDOM. Of ADVENTURE. Of SUCCESS.

By eating, i make my world VERY VERY SMALL.

~ ~ ~ ~

INSECURITY is a force at work in me, that strangles me and squelches who I AM.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Singing tonight, i was able to sing "through" the reflux. And singing FREELY following my teacher's instructions...which actually WORK and are SO FREAKING EASY...feels INCREDIBLE.... My God, to sing FREELY, finally, after all of these years of suffering, of mis-using myself, of being terribly hoarse after singing, or left with muscles wound into hard balls of tension, of of being cut off from the source of my power, struggling. Years of constant frustration and struggle with my talent.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I read OPERA NEWS when i sit on the toilet.

I dream one day it'll be ME on the front cover.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Tonight i sang for hours effortlessly with no stress, no strain. I did whatever i wanted to do. Pianissimo, Forte, diminuendo, crescendo. Suddenly, i could do ANYTHING.

I'm in CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think i'm on the brink of an important time in my life.

Who would think that all of this WEIGHT GAIN was hiding/covering something GREAT about to burst forth and GROW?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In this NEW time in my life, my journey, I'll be in control of my voice. And in control of my appetite. In control of my weight. In control of my binge eating. In control of my LIFE.

I get to say WHO, WHERE, WHEN, WHY.

I get to make the choices.

~ ~ ~ ~

If I actually ALLOW ALL of this powerful energy to flow....and don't constantly STOP it or PLUG it up, WHO KNOWS what future fulfilled dreams lie ahead? Who KNOWS what music i can make? Who KNOWS what adventure is out there waiting for me.

The world is my....OYSTER...!!!!

Uh, I mean, my BANANA!!!!

xoxo michelle joy