Tuesday, August 10, 2010


Dr. D loved my little story about Ricardo, the fried onion ring, and Benny, the banana. He is going to feature it in his newsletter!

Yesterday i had 7 bananas for breakfast, 4 for lunch, 2 stalks celery for snack, and 6 bananas for dinner.

Yesterday I did 35 mins of walking at a good pace.

Yesterday was a challenging day!

I really need to vent.

I'd been up since 4am, i awake very early now on bananas.

I was at my mother's rehab since 9am, and left at 7pm. A LONG day.

And even though i wrote that fabulous little ditty about Ricardo and Benny, and how much better Benny really is than Ricardo, i had the worst food thoughts yesterday that i've had these 9 days. I suppose it was the stress of the day.

More on that soon, but it was also something else. It was my banana sitauation causing me to feel unhappy. I have about 1/3 of a case of too ripe bananas, which i am not enjoying eating. I'll get a fresh case today and some ones that are ready to eat, too. Having my only sustanance in an unappealing state caused me distress.

Also, things are the rehab are not great - mom is doing well, it's the place that's not great. It's supposed to be 'top of the line' but unfortunately it is run very poorly. I had collected a list of complaints and i met with the administrator to voice them yesterday. I hope my mother can stay there because she is settled and the physical therapy is very good, but the aides are horrible, continual problems.

My mother, who is on BuSpar, an anti-anxiety med, is so calm it's bizarre, so i am left with the burden of freaking out over everything unsatisfactory.

I'm usually a very non-confrontational type person. i don't enjoy making waves. And still don't, even though i complained about a long list to the administrator.

And there are still things i'm unhappy with that i never voiced. The administrator was making excuses. 'i can't be here 24 hours a day.'

Unfortunately, i need time usually to process and feel confident in what i want to say...i need to mull things over....they don't always come in the moment. They come in my head, but i'm afraid to say it.

Most of what i wanted to say yesterday, i did, but I knew the administrator was making excuses, i wish i could have said it. "Hey, buddy, you are making excuses!"

I think he's pretty lame, actually, and a very poor manager. It came in my head to say it, but i didn't let it come out of my mouth.

Anyway, during lunch with my mom, i had some bananas in the room i wasn't too thrilled about eating (too ripe), and everyone at lunch was talking about food... it was challenging! i felt interested in their food! One patient's daughter had some avocado and tomato to put on her sandwhich and she was announcing and describing each action she was taking, 'And now i'll put on a little avocado....!" It was really hard. I felt very sorry for myself. I wanted the avocado. I wanted the tomato. Uy uy.

I had to go out to the store for my mom to buy her smaller bras...she's lost 30 lbs....and i "saw" fast food places, noticed them. I noticed Burger King, which has a veggie burger sandwhich. I know it doesn't taste good, but under different circumstances, i would have driven right in there, into one of my pleasure palaces..., ordered it, and begun the deed...french fries, coke, the whole 9 yards. And it would never end there.

Then there's icecream at McDonalds....

No, i didn't, but i thought about it.

And when i got home, i was having thoughts like, "when cliff goes upstairs, i'll go make some toast." I was still hungry after my unsatisfying meal of overripe bananas. And i was tired.

The fact that it would never stop with toast, i know. I talked myself out of it. "You're spending 4,000$ that you don't have to fuck up and eat bread and start binge eating again?"

I was exhausted from the long, LONG day, and tired physically and emotionally.

This whole thing with my mom is VERY exhausting. i've got to be her advocate, and usually gladly do it, because i am free of most responsibilities right now, i've taken off of work to do this, but it's a fulltime job.

And just recently, I do have other responsibilities, i have music to learn for upcoming performances, and Cliff wants to be taken care of as well, and i really felt pulled in many directions. I was crying earlier in the day about how overwhelmed i felt. Toward the afternoon, i felt emotionally better....but then later had those annoying food thoughts.

I know from my days of meditation that thoughts are thoughts and have no power, unless i give them power, so i just see them, and let them go without reacting. But i didn't particularly appreciate that i even had to see them in the first place. I'm glad I never gave in because everyone who was talking about food today and eating it was skinny and obviously doesn't have a problem with food like i do. It would have never ended with whatever i would have picked up.

Physically, i felt on edge again today. Everytime i was hungry, i felt miserable and irritable. Maybe it's me, but i swear since i've added celery, i don't feel as good. Does celery affect your blood sugar? Or maybe it's the too ripe bananas? I am edgy and iritable.

I urinated well today and drank water.

I have a break from mom today...i have a singing lesson and chores and responsibilities to do at home this morning, and won't go to the rehab until dinner time, so the break will be nice.

I slept more last night, from about 10pm to 5:45. i must have needed it.

i'm sure i'll have a good day today if i want to, you know what i mean? There is ALWAYS that potential for me to binge, but it's a mental decision first. A person doesn't do something they don't decide to do first. I'm sure when my banana situation is improved, i'll be happier as well. If the only food i have is not tasty to me, who wouldn't be slightly unnerved????

And emotionally, i had to discharge a lot. Usually, i STUFF it. So, being emotional, angry, confrontational, assertive, is not something i love. I suppose i love to supress it and numb it instead. But what does that do to me? It makes me fat and unhappy, becuase then i'll need to eat.

But, i did well, i spoke up, i was assertive. I should be proud of myself for getting through a challenging day without getting off track in what i ate.

xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

Karen said...

You should be really proud of yourself for getting through a long and tough day without getting off track with your food. That is so great you spoke up to the administrator, even if you didn't say every last thing on your mind (I can sure relate to that). You can always go speak to him again if you want to. Congratulations on venting instead of stuffing. Keep up the great work. As I've heard it said, nothing worthwhile is ever easy. You are an inspiration to me :)