Sunday, August 22, 2010


Good morning, dear people!

I'm happy and cheery this morning!

I had such a wonderful day yesterday at the Vibrant Living Festival!

I did get lost getting there...but, the ride around Sellersville finding my way was awesome! Being in the 'boonies' when you live in the city is so refreshing! I can't wait to explore the area soon. So many farms and roadside stands. And the Harmony Hill a lovely beautiful place. It was the perfect spot for the festival!

My singing was, eh, not sure. I'm working with a new teacher and still have a long, long way to go. I felt alot of unnecessary tension that i have to learn to keep at bay. But i received lots of wonderful compliments, so it was a pleasure knowing i supplied some joy :-)) The music i sang are all favorites and I was blessed to share them with you!

Some highlights!
The singer, Jessy Tomsko, was fabulous. HIGHLY recommended if you ever get the chance to hear her.

And the space rock violinist, Cyndee Lee Rule,, is jammin! Wild, wild stuff. I really rocked out to it!

It was so wonderful to catch up with my friends i haven't seen in 4 months since my mother's illness. It was wonderful to be back with my people again.

Man, am i glad i'm back on track with my diet. It felt so RIGHT being there. I'm back, baby!!! I'm a raw foodist, like it or not!

A real highlight yesterday was meeting with PureRawJoy readers! I had some wonderful conversations dealing food, 80-10-10, Doug Graham, binge eating, food addiction, processing pain.

One conversation revolved around wanting to be like everyone else and not be addicted to food.

Heck, i wish i wasn't. Do you think i'd be eating BANANAS by CHOICE?? Pfft. I'd rather have pizza, onion rings, boca burgers, cheese, chinese food, basically anything fried in MASSIVE quantities all day, and never gain a pound. If i could eat all day, that's what i would do with my life.

We discussed that normal people eat normally...whatever they want...and don't become obsessed. And even, some raw foodists, who eat some cooked, don't get compulsive. But for people who are addicts, not becoming obsessed with food, be it cooked, or gourmet raw, can, shall we say, very challenging.

How do you know if you're an addict? Well, everyone needs to know what they themselves can handle and can accomplish and can do. It's not for me to say.

I, myself, I'm one of the hard cases, a real addict, i think.

We agreed that Geneen Roth's books are GREAT and the answer for many folks, but that they never worked for us. My guestimation is that they don't work for ALOT of women. Like, you KNOW it's the answer..."just eat whatever you want whenever you're hungry and process your emotions." It seems to simple. So right.

But, what do you do when you constantly have issues, and cannot detatch yourself from the drive for food long enough to have long term success with this way of eating? How many pounds do you have to gain failing at it before you realize that this route is not really working? How bad do you have to feel being bloated from salt and gassy from cheese and have atheletes foot and reflux and realize that eating cooked food may give you alot of endless pleasure, but it doesn't make you feel good, ultimately.

Eating bananas is not always fun, but i'm yelling from the rooftops right now (inside) because at least i'm FREE from binge eating today (with fruit i never become obsessed, i eat when i'm hungry like normal people), AND, my face is looking like my face again thanks to the saltless way of life and reflux is no longer a concern. Thank God.

But, it's true, this is a VERY difficult lifestyle. It is very...what's the word? It cuts you off from being like normal people and feeling comfortable around normal people. Excluding. Alot of feelings of deprivation and wanting to enjoy pleasurable foods like everyone else constantly come up. What about me? Why not me? What's wrong with me?

But, you know what? Diabetics can't eat sugar like normal people. Cancer patients can't have full heads of hair like normal people. Quadrapligiacs can't walk like normal people. Blind people can't see like normal people.

Addicts, maybe, can't eat like normal people. Maybe we have this burden for a reason. Maybe God gave it to us for a reason, to teach others. Maybe we have to embrace it and use it to our benefit. And maybe we just have to feel the pain of being "other"...and hopefully someday, we'll feel grateful to be different. Someday we'll have a lot to share with the world about our way to live, our way to cope with food. THEY'll look at US and say, "man, i wish i could be like you!"

On a side note, I've always admired people who can be so in your face about fruit. I'm always apologizing. "I'm sorry i'm different and i'm sorry if it upsets you. This is what i need to do for me. I know it's radical. I'm sorry to make you feel bad." I wish i could just be like, "BANANAS ARE THE BEST!!!!" (Haha, yeah, right.)

Speaking of addicts, if you haven't seen Jeff Bridges movie, Crazy Heart, i really recommend it. I've written about it on the blog before. I just love this film. AND, i relate. "Bad," Jeff's character, is an alcoholic, who goes in recovery, and then has to feel the pain of rejection from his lady love, now sober. Whew, that would be enough to send anybody back to the bottle.

The music in the film is AMAZING. "Fallin or Flying" has become an addicts anthem for me. "It's funny how fallin' feels like flyin'...for a little while." That means to me that eating cooked food feels like flyin', but the pleasure lasts only a little while. Because i'm an addict, and it always turns ugly on me. I totally relate to "Bad" in the film. Check the song out. Listen here:

I also had a wondeful conversation about those painful negative emotions and how they can drive us 'food obsessed people' to eat. One reader has discovered a place she can go to, a mental spiritual respite from the obsession that she calls her "windows of peace." These are foodless segments of time, an hour or longer, or even just a few minutes, where the food obsession is put to rest. How marvelous. Just think how wonderful it will be when these short segments can grow into hours and hours of peace from the food obsession.

The concept of sewing to the spirit instead of to the flesh made a big impact with her, too. That's when we give up strengthen our spirit. Instead of feeding the flesh (our body) with food it doesn't need, we feed our spirit with self-denial of compulsive food (eating when you're not hungry). You know, this concept really helped me, too. The concept is from Diane Hampton's book, The Diet Alternative. Especially when i was trying to handle cooked, this concept of sewing to God, was indispensible. I did, however abandon trying to deal with least for the next 3 months!

I'm sure if i worked at it long enough and really gave it my full attention, i might be able to overcome food addiction using this method. With God's help, anything can be cured, even food addiction!!!

My new friend and I both wish we could eat cooked food like normal people, and heck, maybe someday we can when we have so much faith in God and are so "run" by him, instead of "run" by that "thing" in us...controlling us... Is it evil? it is the devil? Probably. Whatever it is, it is an obsession for food that is more powerful than us.

But for today, since we're still not faithful enough to eat cooked in control, we both agreed that raw serves us best, especially when you still binge. Heck, when i was binge eating gourmet raw, i was 10,000, no, 10 million times better off than when i started up with cooked food again for those long 9-out of control months. With gourmet raw, I never gained excessive weight, it never got excessively out of control, and even when it did, it was NEVER as bad as it gets with cooked food, and it was still better for my body. Raw is more practicle for us at this point, being that we're still food obsessed people.

Cooked would be nice. Maybe some day. When we're so spiritually and emotionally in touch that just food...and not love, and not comfort...and not relaxation...and not total sensual pleasure, but just sustainance.

And, you know what? We can embrace where we are today...and be grateful and glad for it. We can do the best we can today with the skills we have today.

Every day is a learning experience.

Everyday is a BLESSING.

When your mom gets sick, you learn that, too. Every day is a blessing.

xoxo michelle joy


Karen said...

SOOOO well written, Michelle. Besides your vocal gift, you also have a gift with writing - you put words down on "paper" that are floating around in my head as vague concepts but I can't seem to verbalize them, until I check in with your blog and say "Yeah - that's it!" It was great to meet you yesterday and to hear you sing. Keep up what you're doing - you look and sound fabulous. And kudos, kudos and more kudos to you for doing the hard emotional work, and thank you for sharing everything you are going through - it helps me enormously.

Debbie said...


Why would you want to eat cooked food like normal people? Then you will get cancer like "normal people" and high blood pressure like "normal people" and aches and pains like "normal people".

Anonymous said...

Hey Karen and Debbie,

So great to hear from you. Michelle here...there's a problem with me commenting, so i'm "anonymous" in order to get it to function.

So GREAT to meet you yesterday Karen, my soul sista!!!!! Thank you SO much for all of your support!!!

So the question is why do i still want to eat cooked food...even if i acknowledge it makes me sick, bloated, snore, smell, obsessed.


Isn't that sick, the power of the addiction? To be SO STRONG that the desire overrides everything we intellectually "know" about cooked food.

Still, i can't help but ENVY ENVY ENVY folks who love food and enjoy it...i'm particularly obsessed with cooking shows...and most of the hosts...aren't FAT! How the HELL do they DO that???? How do they never become OBSESSED with food...and just take a little...and have that be 'enough'?

I still wish...and hope...i could be like that some day.

Julia Roberts new movie opens a can of worms. Look at her enjoying that pleasure of pizza and pasta in Italy...and tell me you don't feel envious.

Even with all of the physical negative side effects, i still want it!!!!

xoxo michelle joy

Debbie said...


I watch cooking shows too and you are right, they are not fat, but they don't look healthy. Look at their skin, that's what gives away health. Of course, stage makeup can go a long way towards this as well.