Friday, August 27, 2010


Dr D: The period is a great time to cleanse. I would expect your period will get easier in future.
MJ: Oh my, yes, i hope so.

Dr D: Those contractions really cleaned you out. That is a good thing, I think. Trust your body.
MJ: Yes, intense contractions! i'm glad now that i didn't take the ALEVE like i usually take. It makes my face swell up but takes away my period pain. Instead, I trusted. I lived. I survived :)) And now i feel like i've come over an important hump. I'm beginning to feel good, energetic! (I'm getting over the diarreah i've had since my first day of my period. For 3 days, my bowel movements have been watery and fibrous...and look like colinic elimination, like i see fibrous tomatoes and watermelon peices - it's not brown and solid like a normal dood.)

Dr D: Google: Outpockets. Mega colon. See if you come up with anything. You are seriously getting rid of crap.
MJ: Wow, OK!

~ ~ ~

Br: 1/2 very large casaba melon
Ln: 6 large bananas with spinach.
Sn: 3 purple plums
Dn: 3 nectarines.

~ ~ ~

I'm looking alot better. I'm feeling energetic. Everyone can really notice the weight i've lost - I think around 36 pounds so far! I see it when i look in the mirror. Today i surprised myself in the mirror, "Wow, you look GOOD!"

I really like being 'here' again. I feel like i'm back in the swing again. There's an amazing freedom in all of this restriction. What a paradox and so hard to explain!

I'm still struggling a little with food thoughts, especially when i'm hungry, but not like before when i was crying non-stop daily. I'm liking the way i look so it's making all of the suffering worth it.

There's this bible passage I love - "God loves a contrite heart."

When we suffer for righteousness, we receive rewards.

Driving past the chinese restaurant or the pizza parlor, my old binge hangouts, causes me real pain, but i feel that pain, and do the right thing anyway...and just drive by...because i know the consequences of that behavior - out of control eating and weight gain. I'm sad for the moment, but ultimately happier.

Dr. D is right - it's better to live for HAPPINESS than for PLEASURE. It's a much more fulfilling way of life.

When it comes to food, I'm preferring to think of myself as a cancer patient or a diabetic - meaning, i am akin to "someone who has an illness, whose illness needs to be managed by a special diet."

My illness is binge and overeating. No less serious than cancer or diabetes.

This way of thinking of myself helps me feel alot LESS sorry for myself.

For example, here's me talking to myself:

ME: "Poor me, why can't i eat crisp hot pizza, oozing with melted cheese...and savory chinese food...fried eggrolls and crunchy shrimp and slurpy spicy everyone else?"
Me: "Because you're sick. And you have to manage your illness like this - you have to eat fruit to live in recovery today."
ME: "I do?"
Me: "Well, it seems to be working, doesn't it?"
ME: "I suppose so. I hate to admit it, but fruit does taste REALLY good, and it satisfies my hunger, and it makes me look good, better, much better."
Me: "That's awesome!"
ME: "Yeah, it is....
Me: "So, why do you sound so sad?"
ME: "Because it's hard often. I suffer. I deny myself what i want.
Me: "And instead you eat what you know is good for you, what is making you healthy."
ME: "Yeah."
Me: "But, you look so much better! You're DOING so much better!
ME: "I know!"
Me: "Seems like it might be worth it...all of the sacrifice?"
ME: "I am grateful to be in recovery. I really AM."
Me: "Even if you have to give up so much?"
"The choice seems alot simpler when I realize how grateful I am to be in recovery, even if i have to eat just fruit to get there. It's GOOD for me. And it's not THAT hard."
ME: "I'm proud of you."
Me: "I'm proud of you, too."
ME: "I can live like this!"
Me: "Heck, so can I!"

~ ~ ~

I had a singing lesson today and my new teacher keeps pointing out how hard i unnecessarily make things for myself. Singing can be so easy. Why do i want to feel pain and use so much tension and effort?

And I have the parallel feeling that LIVING like THIS, as hard as it is, is actually easier than how i used to live obsessed with food and constantly gaining - just grab some fruit and go...and look better and lose weight...and feel good...and be a good daughter...and overcome depression and food thoughts and binge eating.

Why do i want to feel pain from getting fatter and fatter and why do i want to experience the pain of being constantly out of control, when living with food like this can be so easy?

Why do i want to sing with pain and struggle and tension, when singing with freedom and ease is so much easier? And so much nicer? And so much better?

Why DO i want pain?

Because I got used to it. It became familiar.

I don't want anymore pain today.

~ ~ ~ ~

How do i reconcile the intense pains from my menstruation....?

How can i welcome THAT kind of pain?...but not the pain of being fat or gaining weight or binge eating? What's the difference? Pain IS Pain.

The pain from my period (the first on 80-10-10)...was a growing pain. It made me healthier, cleaner, stronger. I survived it. I feel better now!

The second kind of pain..., the one from binge eating or gaining or singing horribly and the pain of stagnating. It's a self-inflicted pain that keeps me stuck. This kind of pain is a vicous circle. The more I feel it, the more I get used to feeling it. I don't realize there's another, a BETTER way to live.

Today, i welcome growing pains because i know that every time i overcome those, i'm getting closer and closer to my goals. The pains of stagnating never got me anywhere except more and more miserable, fat, and unhappy.


Which one gets you where you want to go???

xoxo michelle joy

1 comment:

Cosmic said...

I'm so grateful for you're blog Michelle. Thank-you for this inspirational and insightful post(lovely:)- you've come a long way and we're all proud of you si*star(you are a credit to your parents:0)
Love and blessings:)