Sunday, August 29, 2010
I'M WORTH WAITING FOR
I woke up today not really feeling great again, very thirsty, haven't had a bowel movement. I feel very detoxy again today, after feeling good for maybe...1 day?
This journey is certainly a new "adventure" every day.
When i think about Dr. Graham's question, "what do you want?," the answer comes to me, "i want to FEEL GOOD."
And then i realize that that's precisely why i binge. Because i want to feel good...in the moment...when i feel badly...and i want pleasure and excitement and taste and texture and aroma and fullness from cooked food. I want to feel GOOD.
So, not to beat a dead horse, but i really want to ask myself again and again - Does binge eating REALLY ultimately make me feel good?
Laughably, it does NOT.
Walking, which is strenuous to do and a pain in the butt to get motivated, makes me feel GOOD. So, why is that so hard to do sometimes? Like NOW?
Is one about the EGO feeling good? And the other about something else, something natural and authentic and health-based feeling good?
There's an UNnatural way to make onesself feel good...from drugs or compulsive food or sex...and then there are Natural ways, like exercise, like friends, like good work.
And there's an UNnatural way of feeling bad, from overeating or eating the wrong stuff that makes you sick or not doing your work or being lazy...(you're covering something real up with like a fake way of feeling bad), and then there's a Natural way to feel bad - like feeling bad BECAUSE you're doing the right things and you're healing and you're moving and doing...you're cleansing, you're mourning, you're growing.
Wo, I just said eating/binge eating is an UNnatural way to make ourselves feel good OR bad. So, overeating/binge eating - is a cure-all for all ills...if you're up, it'll bring you down. If you're down, it'll bring you up. But, you only ever end up married to it and unable to break free of the vicous cycle.
I think we would all agree that it doesn't REALLY work. Maybe only temporarily.
So, what do i want? I want to feel GOOD from the RIGHT ways of feeling good in an ultimate way - from exercise, which feels bad for the moment but is ultimately good for you - from eating what i'm supposed to, which in the moment is hard and feels bad, but ultimately, it is supposed to make me feel good - and now, it makes me feel bad because i am in detox, but i feel good ultimately AFTER the detox.
How do we choose to make ourselves feel good today?
From the false high (or low)? The instant gratification that makes us feel GOOD in the moment, but BAD afterall...?
Or from the REAL things...that take TIME to develop permanent life long GOOD FEELINGS..., which may make us feel BAD in the moment?
Why is that so hard for us to do...to wait?
Well, i think precisely because when it comes down to it, we never give ourselves a chance to THINK about it. We just DO, EAT, REACT. We're excited by the food and we say, "YEAH, GIMME MORE! Chomp, chomp, chomp! Man, i feel FABULOUS!!!!!" It's afterwards, when we're fatter and sicker and feel like shit that we say, "What the hell did i do to myself?" It's the wolf in sheep's clothing.
Let's think about these things NOW. Before we do something we'll regret.
Let's feel BAD and LOVE IT...exercise and eat fruit and mourn and cry and have dry mouth and have horrendous cramps and shit out colonic-like craps.
Maybe "feeling good" is something we're just gonna have to WAIT for.
xoxo michelle joy
Posted by MICHELLE at FREEDOM FROM BINGING at 5:55 AM