Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Morning, Folks, Here's my update to Dr. Douglas Graham:

Good Morning, Dr. D,

I got up to urinate (2x tonight!!!), so i thought i'd write now, since i may want to sleep "in" in the morning. It's 3a.m.

What you wrote last email really hit home....
"Michelle, you will eat what you truly want. But always, you must think of consequences. Look at where the food will take you. Is it where you want to go? If you want to "go to health," stick to the Island plan. :)"

I am on the island and there's only bananas there... I made peace with it today and didn't even think of stopping anywhere before or after work to eat, but, still, it wasn't easy. I was tempted while i was in the hospital to get something to eat from the cafeteria. That hospital cafeteria is like a bar is to an alcoholic with me. A pleasure palace. I am so insane about food. When i was raw for 3 years, cooked food NEVER tempted me. When i began to eat it again 8 or 9 months ago? Forget it. I was hooked again from the get-go.

Today was stressful. My mom was transferred to a new room, downgraded from the unit she was previously in, which is great news and means she is improving, but the new unit has alot less help, and today was stressful, very stressful.

"Help!" my mother yelled suddenly. "Mom, what are you doing??? I'm right here." She answered, "Just practicing." My mother suffers from anxiety and anxiety about her pain. She gets herself pretty worked up about things and doesn't know how to calm herself, "Nurse, i need something to relax!!!!" I said, "Mom, you have to learn to relax yourself."

It was very telling about why i "use" food. My mother uses pills. I use food.

When i look at myself in the mirror these days, i can't believe i let things get so out of hand with my weight, and eating, and many times today, i cursed myself that i am unable to eat like a 'normal person' and now have to give up EVERYTHING (except bananas) as a means out of the mess i created for myself. In other words, i felt sorry for myself. When i would see people carrying delicious plates of cooked food in the hospital, i begin to think, "What's wrong with me that i can't just eat normally like everyone else and now have to give it ALL up?"

When i am healthy and trim and gorgeous, i will look at my addiction to cooked food and say, "Thank you. Having my addiction to food and cooked food was a gift. It helped me become the person i am today." But, for today, i felt sorry for myself.

I carried my bag of bananas around with me all day, eating from them, and feel committed, and know this is in my best interest, but, it's not without some struggle. I suppose nothing worthwhile is...

How many bananas did you eat in total for the day? How many at each sitting?

I fear i really overdid it and feel guilty for eating a few times when i didn't necessarily feel "hungry," i just felt empty. For instance, before i went to bed, i wasn't hungry, but wanted something...i can't explain it, it feels like a stomach that is empty, but not hungry. Why is that not okay with me?

When i am binge eating, i never know when to stop because i never began eating from hunger and there is no signal when to say to stop. I only stop when i am so insanely full, i'm going to burst. Feeling empty but not hungry is strange. I will try to adjust to it better. It kind of freaked me out and i ate to fill myself, but at least it was bananas!

I lost track of my banana amount today. i will mark down on paper what i eat today to keep track better. It was over 30 bananas, not big ones, but still, alot more than yesterday, when i ate 18 for the whole day. I had had 6 for breakfast, and ate about 15-18 during the day from my bag at the hospital, and then about 9 more when i got home, 6 of those before bed when i was perplexed that i didn't feel hungry but felt empty.

I hope that maybe today i'm just feeling and finding my way and will soon be more in tune and eat only when i'm hungry.

It was small meals again today, 3 or 4 bananas at a time, but for breakfast, i did have about 6. I will try to space out my meals more and eat more at one sitting, rather than 2 or 3 at a time, very frequently. I probably ate at least 10x today. I'll work towards eating 3-4x a day instead as you suggested.

How many times did you urinate in total for the 24-hour day?

Probably 12x. I'm letting go of a lot of water. And drank a fair amount today of water, as well.
On another note, I got my mother some cranberry juice today and really wanted some.

Oh well... in another lifetime.

How do you feel: physically, mentally, or otherwise?

Physically, i felt tired. I should have slept in in the morning, but didn't and then my mother's room was moved and i needed to go to the hospital. I was tired much of the day. I left the hospital early and let my dad stay with my mom longer. I napped in the evening while watching TV and then fell asleep early.

Mentally, i think i addressed above - somewhat depressed, feeling sorry for myself. I'm trying to watch myself and the reasons i eat or want to eat and see that often they have zero to do with hunger, but much to do with just wanting some pleasure or to be full. Bananas are boring and i like to be excited by food. Look where it's gotten me...

It's distressing to recognize these things about myself. And also distressing to not have my 'fix,' at times when i see other people able to enjoy food without going overboard. I could rarely do this in my life. I always overdid it.

But overall, i'm thrilled i'm doing this and really happy to be supported and on track back on raw. Raw is what rescued me before, and it is rescuing me again.

Eventually, fast food places will not seem alluring. But that may take some time. For now, you are on the Island, by choice.

Is there anything else you need to tell me or ask?

I hope i don't gain weight from overeating bananas today. I hope i don't. Afterall, i was hoping to let go of some weight before the raw festival. What about exercise? Maybe i should just rest the next few days... I'm just worried about losing weight...

I know i'm letting go of water, whew, lots of pee-ing today.

I'll really try and space out my larger meals today, and allow myself to get good and hungry before i eat.

Are you sure it's just bananas this week?

You are on Banana Island. Eventually, you will "find" other fruits there, but this week, you are eating bananas only. It is important that it be ONLY one food, Michelle. I want you to really clean your palette, really get in touch with hunger, really discover the reasons you eat. This is not a quick fix. This is a shift in perception, so that you can live healthfully for a lifetime.

That sounds good. i need to remember this. It's not a quick fix. I often seek those out.

BTW, Day 1 is by far the most difficult. Well done.

Thank you.


xoxo michelle joy

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