Yesterday was an odd day. A mix of absolutely wonderful, mixed with not such great behavior on my part.
First, all the wonderful parts:
-We visited the Carrollton Park, a wondrous park of various museums and houses and outdoor exhibits dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright and all of their amazing successes. Got lots of pics and may speak more about the Wright Brothers at some point. They're so inspiring. For now, i'll just say: What tenacity. What dedication to success. What persistence. Failure after failure...and yet, they never gave up. They wanted to fly. They tried and tried. And failed and failed. And tried again. It's very meaningful to me, especially today. I'll explain later.
-We also visited a lovely wondrous park with a butterfly house. We saw lots of butterflies having sex! Also, the most beautiful trees and plants and flowers. But the butterflies mating was....special. Here they are!
-I visited a health food store with Debbie's sister, Sherrie, and got a Super Mega Double B Complex shot. I've always wanted to get a B-12 shot and a doctor there was offering them. Why not?!!! This is the kind of adventure vacation is all about. Here is Sherrie getting hers!
An absolutely Great day!
Now for the other parts of the day, when i didn't have such great behavior:
-I ate raw cheese for the first time in my 2.5 year journey as a raw 'vegan'. I've been wanting to try it. Dustin and Meredith eat raw cheese. How did it taste? Well, i'm not sure what the hulabaloo is all about. It doesn't taste any different than regular cheese. And you would think that after not having had cheese for 2.5 years it would have made me insane with desire to go get a McDonalds cheeseburger or something....., but it didn't. I stayed aware as i ate it. I finished a peice later that had sat out and wasn't hard and cold from the fridge. That tasted much better. (I think the best way they say to eat cheese is to eat it at room temperature. They're right. It does taste much better.) A not so lovely part of the raw cheese experience was that i was too fearful to be public about eating it. So it was ingested very much like a binge. In the bathroom. Hiding. Sitting on the toilet. It was a secret, but it's not a secret anymore!!!
I often panic what people reading this blog might think, and i toy with not coming out with everything to 'save face' or to maintain some kind of 'authority' as a perfect raw foodist. But i can't do that. I'm just me. I'm imperfect. I'm on a journey different than your journey, and your journey, and your journey. I may be failing in your eyes. I may be succeeding in your eyes. I'm not sure how i always view my behavior.
I do know one thing. I may not be where i want to be, but i'm a heck of a lot better than i used to be!!!! And to me, that is success. Sometimes it's best not to freak out over every little blip and bump in the road and to look at the overall picture. As long as i don't weigh 425 again, i'm a huge enormous success. I may not be the paradigm of rawdom, i'm just Michelle Joy, and i'm just trying, everyday, to do my best. Some days are better than others.
This was a hard one.
-There was also an incident with roasted nuts yesterday. This i'm fearful to write about as i neglected to fess up about eating roasted nuts occassionally on my 'acceptable fudges for ME' discussion yesterday. I HAVE had roasted nuts before. I avoid them. I don't make it a practice. They do taste really good. Too good. Yes, they are devoid of enzymes and nutrition. Yes, they're dead. But, they're still vegan and i never really thought it was a humongous deal. I would maybe eat them once every 6 months.
So yesterday, we were out to eat. Everyone is like concerned that there will be something for me to eat on the menu. I think i succumbed to some peer pressure. "Oh, there's a salad here with mandarin oranges and pecans! You can eat that!" "Well, i said, the oranges are usually canned, so i'll ask if i can get raw tomato instead."
What about the nuts? Nuts are always roasted. I KNOW because they always are. So, why did i not ask for extra tomato instead of the nuts? i HAD raw germinated nuts in my purse. I think i was afraid. I don't know why. I felt silly, intimidated by my friends presence. i don't know why. i had spoken to them about roasted nuts being dead and how much better germinated dehydrated nuts were for you. I think i was afraid of looking fanatical.
NOTE: Best to make your order fit your needs and not worry about how others will take it. Best to ask them, 'Hey, guys, i feel a little awkward doing this, but do you mind if i take out my nuts and eat them with my salad since they're raw?" I think people respond better if you kind of alert them that you feel wierd. Also, best to avoid having anything iffy on your plate, otherwise, you might give in.
The salad arrived. I ate the lettuce and the tomato, which was delicious and i avoided the nuts most of the entire way through. I half expected somebody to say something. "Why aren't you eating the nuts?" i think i was half hoping they would. Cliff doesn't realize nuts are always raosted, so he was happy for me i was doing so well. "Wow, pecans!" "yeah!" i answered back. "Uyyyyy" was what was REALLY in my head. Lots of mental debating what to do with them. Should i? Shouln't i? I felt like everyone was watching me. I gave in and ate them.
Roasted pecans taste a lot more pecany than unroasted. They were yummy, yes. But i felt like a criminal eating them. I don't think my non-raw friends realized. I don't know. I was half hoping they would say, "Aren't those nuts roated?" And i'd wittily answer feigning innocence, "Oh, is THAT why they taste so good?!"
At the register, paying, i whispered to Cliff. "I just ate roasted pecans." "Oh," he replied. No biggie to him. At least they're vegan.
In the car, our friends drove in their own, i felt free to dig into my bag of raw almonds now that noone was 'watching' me. I told Cliff i was eating them to "override the roasted nuts." haha. Who was i fooling. I was no longer hungry. Just guilt ridden. And i proceeded to eat the entire 3 oz bag.
When i saw the raw cheese in the market later, i was like, 'oh, what the hell, i've already stepped over one line, i might as well do this since i've been dying to.' A very eating disorder thing to do, but i really tried to remain present. Eating the cheese in the bathroom was a bad choice as an eating disorder person recovering, but i still tried to really tune in. Taste it. Be WITH it. At least it was raw! I guess in that respect, you could say i turned myself around. I was not a vegan yesterday, but i don't think it'll kill me.
-Very sewery smelling gas.
I do worry a bit that i'll want to eat the raw cheese more. I'd NOT indulged earlier for fear i wouldn't want to stop. And i'm surprised I don't feel particularly obsessed about it or desirous of getting more raw cheese today.
This will be something i'm going to have to cope with. My decision to try it. I'll have to cope with the consequences of wanting it again.
I do know this. If i decide to partake of it again, i will have to choose a reasonable amount, not an entire block. Was it 8 or 16 oz? i'll have to check. Frightening if it was 16 oz.. And i will have to remove it from the sneek eating arena to the table. No more eating cheese in the bathroom. No more eating in the bathroom! :-))))
My eating habits have somewhat degraded on this trip. I've had two small raw meals i was frightened to eat publicly with my friends sitting down because i wasn't hungry and was fearful of looking bad. i was sneaking. This is not beneficial for me.
Of course, eating when i'm not hungry is not beneficial for me either, but sneaking is the eating disorder at work. Overeating is one thing, but hiding is another. Eating something sitting down publicly when not hungry is better for overcoming my eating disorder than eating that same thing not hungry and hiding. It's the hiding that is so shameful.
It's not a crime to eat something when you're not hungry. It's certainly not good. But, taking the shame and the secret out of it is crucial to overcoming my eating disorder.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Now that my soul is purged and cleansed i can move on... There is aLOT to say for honesty and forthrightness. It's freeing. Taking this all OUT OF THE CLOSET and exposing LIGHT to it can be extremely healing. Just like that little potato in Robert Paschell's poem. He opened the bag exposing the potato sitting in the dark to the light and the little feller raised his arms up to the light. The light feels good.
Physically, I'd have to say, most definitely, fruit and greens and low fat 80-10-10 feels better in the belly and doesn't produce stinky foul gas and bloating as roasted nuts, too many raw nuts and a whole block of cheese do.
And i sleep usually a full night 80-10-10ing. I find the higher fat i eat, the less i sleep. I don't know why that is. You'd think it would be the opposite. But i think when i'm 80-10-10ing, my body is in cleanse mode and needs the rest.
It's nice to know that my BODY can help guide me, if i choose to listen to it.
Testing limits is not a crime. It's human. I'm not perfect. And Rome wasn't built in a day!!!
One last note. To help me digest everything during this trip, i've been taking the Betaine HCL after every heavy nutbased meal, and took extra after the cheese. I know it helps me because i wake up with a clear voice after taking the HCL. A froggy morning voice to me is a signal i've had reflux laryngitis. The Betaine HCL is awesome. Highly recommended. I wake up with a clear voice even if eat a lot of nuts, and even after the raw cheese.
I gave Cliff a few after he ate a big beef steak the other night and he did not get heartburn. It is an excellent enzyme.
Much love to you all.
Know this. Just as the Wright Brothers failed and failed again, they NEVER gave up. Success is the result of many failures.
How can we learn to fly high....if we never fall? It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you pick yourself back up. Let Wilbur and Orville's hard work mean something.
And those little beautiful butterflies flying around. Do you know how hard they had to work to free themselves from their cocoons?
Failure after failure, yet they never give up. And look at them fly. Look at their beauty. Look at how oogy oogly they were as caterpillars/larvae...actually they're kinda cute. Just like us. We're kinda cute in our complexity. We're good and bad, all at once.
Someday, we'll fly and never stop... Someday we'll be so gorgeous like this butterfly... Fly, fly, Fly!!!
Never give up.