Monday, August 10, 2009

Fun with the camera in the car. Intuitive Eating. Happiness. Raw Cheese. Raw Chips. Self Parenting. B-12. Betaine HCL....

Hello, dear people,

[This blog was written Sunday night]

Sometimes a girl just likes to break out the camera and practice her acting, while her honey is at the Pep Boys doing some automotive shopping. This was much earlier in the day. I'm surprised i look so awake...i was pooped!

It's now 5am. I fell asleep tonight at 8:30pm - absolutely zonked - i could not keep my eyes open, and re-awoke at 11pm. I've been up ever since!!! It's now 5am and i haven't slept a wink since i woke up.....slightly disconcerting....but I might as well blog!

I haven't talked lately about weight or food or binge eating. And that's been on purpose. I've been enjoying taking the focus OFF of that for a little while. But, it seems like a good time to revisit that topic.

When i was on vacation in Ohio, i was absolutely amazed to walk around everyday feeling like i was doing 'badly' with my food, but when i came home and weighed myself, i discovered i must NOT have done that badly at all because i did so great with my weight. I kept telling myself every day on vacation. "It's a vacation...what are vacations for, but gaining weight?" At our friends' house, I didn't weigh myself at all all week, but everyday FELT as if i had gained weight. But i didn't.

I DID exercise quite a bit, but overindulged in nuts DAILY. I even ate roasted nuts once. By all accounts, based on what i've known of myself in the past, i SHOULD have gained a lot of weight. I even ate an entire 8oz block of raw cheese hiding in the bathroom of the Christmas Shoppe Store in Dayton, Ohio!!!! (yes, i paid for was a purchase from the previous store.) I also ate olive oil and celtic salt almost daily.

What was going ON here??? Gourmeting and NO WEIGHT GAIN?????? You have all known me to gain 8 lbs in only a few days of salty fatty eating....

It was too good to be true!

Am I really so DELUDED as to how i am doing? Is my body image really that distorted? Or Is my metabolism finally picking up...without me realizing it?

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I decided i would try it again this what i did that week: live in the unknown, not weigh myself, eat what i want, eat when i'm hungry, and sometimes when i'm not, use salt, use oil, and see what happens!!!

Maybe i can repeat the MAGIC once again!!

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[Monday night]

In fact, something IS going on here. I weighed myself this morning, feeling like i was 260+ and was thrilled to discover i actually LOST weight since my last weigh in. I was 252.5 this morning. This is fantabulously wonderful and i can't quite believe it. Something is wonderfully different...and

But, what?

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I've been eating ALOT of raw chips. OH, my god.

Hm, but not many nuts, like i did on vacation.

But alot of raw flax chips. Maybe 7 oz a day for a few days in a row. (I think you know who's raw chips i've been eating.) They are so good! Oh, Brad!!!

Chips have never made me lose weight before.

I've also been eating raw cheese. Daily.

I determined that the brand i've been eating is fully unpasteurized raw milk cow's cheese, the real deal. A reader, Debbie, alerted me that most so called raw cheeses begin their cheese with raw milk and then cook the cheese. One must be certain the cheese is really raw. Anyway, I am so enjoying this complete departure from 2.5 years as a raw vegan. What a total surprise.

(I suppose now i am a raw foodist only, or a living foodist and no longer a raw vegan. Who woulda thunk it!???? Are there raw vegetarians? But i don't eat eggs raw...)

So far, I've had ZERO negative consequences of this new practice. In fact, i feel good. I feel happy. Everyone keeps complimenting my skin. Is it the raw cheese???

Also, is THIS the new magic element???? Is raw cheese making me LOSE weight? All of the enzymes in it?????????

There are a few other things I'm suspecting as to why i didn't gain weight in Ohio.


Walking the dog. Walks. Playing Disk Golf.

Yes, i did alot of exercise in Ohio, but....there is one really new complete departure.

I had gotten a super mega double strength B-12 and B complex shot! The internet, i am discovering, is TEEMING with information about B-12 shots helping BOOST METABOLISM, protein and fat digestion and WEIGHT LOSS.

How did i NOT know about this???? Wow. I might have stumbled onto something here....

It was noted on the internet that if you want a B-12 shot, go to any diet doctor. Diet doctors and B-12 shots? I NEVER knew there was a connection with B-12 assisting weight loss. I'd have been bathing in the stuff had i known!!!!

The Dr. at the Health Food Store in Ohio recommended a course of 4 shots once a week over 4 weeks, followed by 1 shot monthly. Well, i'd BEEN a vegan for so long that thought it was totally necessary to get a shot, and a great opportunity. I've always wanted one and Debbie's sister Cheryl was going. I'm now SO GLAD i got that shot!!!! I actually THINK IT'S WORKING!!!!

I've since contacted my holistic practitioner who has agreed to give me the 4 weekly shots, so I'll be updating you. I had my first in Ohio and plan to get the next here very soon.

What else has been new or different? I don't know. I haven't even been doing PERFECT or even GOOD, i thought, with the food. I'm just kinda eating what i want. Salty or fatty. And for a few days now i've overdone raw chips and raw cheese, bigtime, but i wake up the next day feeling great. That's kinda been different. And after i lose a bit of morning bloat, i look good in the face to myself. My skin is glowing. I'm happy all of the time. I'm joking a lot. I feel sexy. I love Cliffy. I feel so good! I'm also not sleeping much!

I'm thinkin' it maybe COULD be the B12 shot????

Maybe it's the raw cheese???? I'll figure it out.

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Tonight my dinner was an attempt to fully legalize Brad's Chips and raw cheese. Since total denial of these items creates in me a binge eating response, I've decided to fully legalize them. I tried telling myself to NOT EAT THEM that they were bad for me, and i was off and running eating 2 bags in a row and another 8oz block of raw cheese.

I decided i would ALLOW myself to eat them everyday if i wanted in a controlled manner for as long as i want to! Wouldn't you know...this 'legalization' completely took away their charge and i was perfectly in control with them today?????

[Monday note: i didn't even WANT THEM today! Plus, when i stopped at Whole Foods, i actually TURNED DOWN an opportunity to BINGE on Awesome Foods like i routinely have done millions of times in the past....and bought a few avocados instead....because...i was listening to myself...and that's what i wanted... Something radically GOOD is at work here.]

I recognizing and realizing just how BAD it is for ME when i tell myself something is 'bad' for me and that i shouldn't eat it. That rebellious little girl inside then yells, 'But i want it, i like it!" and she says F.U. to the overly strict parental control, and overdoes it instead.

I am learning that the more i allow myself to eat 'bad' things, the LESS of them i eat. Or i realize i don't even WANT it.

Legalizing for me also entails buying a binge item now in bulk. For instance, i bought 5 blocks of raw cheese. Instead of eating them up in a binge (because i told myself i couldn't have them), they're sitting there in the fridge waiting for the time to arise when i DO want it and will enjoy a reasonable amount. You know what? They don't even seem appealing now!!!!

Maybe raw chips and cheese ARE indeed bad for me. Maybe i SHOULDN'T eat them. But i need to SEE that for myself. My little girl needs to grow up and take some responsibility, and in allowing her to decide for herself, she's free to turn it down now if she doesn't even want it. This is an amazing process. This is so much better than total self denial.

In telling myself i shouldn't eat things, i end up eating a LOT more of them, than when i tell my
self i CAN eat it.

Today as the parent and the child, i said to myself. "Okay, honey," i spoke to my inner child, "You can have a normal serving. You're permitted. You're completely welcome to it. Enjoy!"

I didn't even THINK about overdoing it. THIS IS THE REAL DEAL. Wanna stop binge eating? ALLOW yourself what you so vehemently deny yourself.

Were your parents controlling with food?

MINE WERE, BIG TIME. EVERYONE in my household denied me food. It didn't work and made me want it even more. My mother used to hide goodies all over the house. I sought them out and binged on them. I used to get punished for eating food my mother had hidden from me. My mother bought diet foods for me and regular foods for my brother. I binged on my brother's foods because i wasn't allowed them.

Why didn't anybody ever try to teach me to control food and eat and enjoy everything in moderation?? I was set up from a very early age to become a binge eater. All of the constant dieting just strengthened the response. Go off of a diet? Even a teensy bit? KAPOW!!! BINGE!!! In my college days, bingeing really took off. I think it was the stress. Also, about 2.5 years ago before i left for my 8 mo stay at the raw retreat, binge eating had become a way of life. The back of my car was littered with at least 50 fast food bags a week. It was SO bad.

I could never moderate fast food. I could never eat just a little. I guess what i'm trying to do NOW is legalize all foods like the binge eating books tell you to do...except i'm doing it in the raw/living food realm!

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Maybe i'm doing some unhealthy things by 80-10-10 standards, i admit that, but, you know, Rome wasn't built in a day, and no one says you have to achieve 80-10-10 perfection overnight. We all come to this with different issues and we all may need to approach our diets differently.

As long as i'm making improvements, things are rosy. Dr. Graham doesn't mention eating habits OFF of his program. No one i know on 80-10-10 who goes off can control their food off of the program. Is he creating little binge eaters????

This is my goal now - to stop bingeing completely and to eat in moderation if i have to to do that. Look, if i can't do that NOW, what am i going to do when i lose all of my weight and have to just learn to LIVE then, and enjoy eating? By doing it NOW, i'll know what to do...THEN! I'll NEVER have to regain my weight back...because i'll KNOW how to maintain it!!! Which is exactly what i'm doing!

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I thought to take a 2 oz block of cheese for dinner, but wanted more. I felt like i was being put on a diet again and instantly felt like rebelling. The parent in me decided that a 4 oz serving was perhaps excessive, yes, but a lot LESS than 8oz and actually a normal 'protein' serving size in SAD standards. I decided to give myself a 4oz block. Was that so horrible? Yes, maybe to you. But, I felt good about that decision. It wouldn't leave me feeling like i needed MORE. Baby Steps. Plus, I felt good about this decision because i had eaten very sparingly 80-10-10 all day - raw tomatoes and plums and peaches the entire day and nothing more. I was hungry and it was 6pm.

I cut up the raw cheese into alittle pretty slices, and arranged them beautifully on a plate. I was taking good care of me.

I allowed myself one 2oz bag of Brads chips as an accompaniment. No, I didn't eat 2 of the BIGGER SIZE bags like i did yesterday, because today i was telling myself that i COULD ENJOY THE CHIPS IN A REASONABLE SERVING SIZE...that it was ALLOWED, that i was permitted. It felt so good to be controlling something i couldn't even control yesterday.

I sliced up a big fat ripe red organic farm grown tomato, sprinkled the sparkling cut red circles with forbidden celtic yum, and went to town with my cheese and crackers and tomato.

What a delight. I totally enjoyed. I was present. I was there. I listened to my hunger/satiety cues. I focused on tasting. i focused on when the food started to lose it's flavor. These are signals one is getting satiated. I listened for the 'sigh' that accompanies becoming satiated. I felt myself getting full and satisfied as my serving nearly dissappeared. I might take 3 oz next time.

I stayed with my gut, instead of listening to my head. Often our heads are the ones we've become attuned to listening to as binge eaters. It's like this stereo track always running, " Eat that. eat this. eat now. Now you overdid it, you fat pig, finish it, eat it all up, go get more." I'm learning to tune it out completely and listen only to my belly. Am i hungry? is now the mantra. Insane rambling thoughts are replaced by joy, by the joy of eating and tasting and i listen to my satiety cues. Is this ever a new experience.

With a big happy smile on my face and a fully belly, i left the table happy. No, i didn't go back and get more. Why??? This was pure pleasure eating. This is how eating is supposed to be. Binges are not joy and pleasure filled. Binges are secret, scary, shameful, headtrip events that roll out of control into disasters. The more i deny myself, the worse i binge. There is a lot of headtripping in a binge. It's all about the thoughts. The thoughts say to keep on eating. It's like the devil's voice. Don't listen to it. Listen to the belly. To the mouth. Listen to those cues. And most of all, ENJOY!!!!! That's the real ticket.

This was bliss. This was perfect.

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I don't know what will happen with my weight this week. [monday: my weight is GREAT!!!!! 252.5? I'll take it.]

But, I keep catching glimpses of myself in the mirror and i'm surprised by my reaction, "You look good!" Maybe not super skinny in the face, but still good.

I do know this. The better and better i become attuned to my hunger/satiety and continue to exercise, the better and better i will get. Maybe i won't be doing those recovery diet days so much. I'll just be eating less by being more in tune. That's so cool. Sometimes delaying quick weight loss is just what a person needs to do. What's the use of losing fast, eating like an ascetic, only to rebound into binge eating and weight gain???? Isn't it better to learn to eat more moderately and to actually ENJOY one's food??? The more i enjoy it, savor it, sit with it, the less i want. Maybe i'll want less and less, and will begin to lose THIS WAY, instead of dieting and constant self denial.

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Oh, this is different, too.

I'm taking the BETAINE HCL everytime i have a protein meal (nuts or cheese), so perhaps THAT is really helping me, too!

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I worked last night preparing food for the tasting for the catering job on Wed morning. When i came home, i had food thoughts. i kept asking my belly, "Are you hungry?" The answer was no. You see, usually i would respond to the food thought. This is what binge eating is all about. Food thoughts. And responding to them. We have to learn to be aware of when we're thinking about food. And learn to be attuned to that.

Time to make Cliffy breakfast.

xoxo michelle joy

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