I woke up this morning with an amazing realization. It's not STRESS that has been causing me to eat voraciously again. It's the FOOD.
Ask yourself this -
What was more stressful than FLYING to Oregon to sing in someone's WEDDING who I'd NEVER met before...stay in a person's home whom i'd barely met before...AND singing several songs which were COMPLETELY new to me????? Plus, not knowing until 30 minutes BEFORE the actual wedding ceremony WHAT or WHEN i was singing?????
WHY was i NOT stressed then??????????????
I was on 80-10-10.
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You know what? Working in the raw kitchen, allowing myself to eat salty fatty foods has been like allowing an alcoholic to work in a bar. Sure, for a few days, he could convince himself he's got it all under control, and even ENJOY the alcohol once or twice and think he's cured. But, eventually, he would show his true colors.
I think i can safely say that i am a FOOD ADDICT and this little experiment of trying to moderate has gone miserably wrong. I am mortified to admit that i have gained at least 18 lbs. I weighed myself yesterday and it was +14.5. In how long? A week and a half? Two weeks? Today i look like i'm pregnant. And my face looks like someone i don't recognize.
Emotionally, i'm so ready to make a change that i'm not crying anymore as i have been for days.
Yes, much of this insane weight gain is water weight. So, i'm thinking 1o lbs of water will probably come off very quickly.
Did i ever tell you all about the time i did a juice fast and lost 12 lbs in 4 days???
The heavier i get the last few days, the more i eat. The worse my reflux gets, the more i eat. The more fat and salt i eat, the more i want.
So, yes, jubilantly successful raw foodist friends of mine can eat gourmet moderately. I wish i could. I hope some day i can. I've had some lovely glimpses into life in moderation and how delicious and satisfying and easy it could be. I remember that time out on the patio enjoying a small slice of raw cheese with raw green crackers and fresh tomato with celtic salt. I don't think i've ever tasted anything so good. Unfortunately, i'm not THERE right now. Now, i'm in the pit, in the hell of binge eating. It all turned ugly. How can something so beautiful...turn so miserably wrong in my hands?????
The difference between me and my friend is: i don't know how to STOP...yet. Like an alcoholic who is driven to consume more and more and more and more alcohol once they begin, i am like that with salt and with fat, today. Maybe i can teach myself to be more like them at some point, but, it's failed miserably today.
At work yesterday, I literally ate something every half hour. And then i ate a jar of olives before i came home. Was i hungry? No. I was absolutely obsessed.
Arnold asked me if i wanted to join his 80-10-10 documentary and i actually hesitated. Why? What about my gourmet treats????
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I read a book at work yesterday entitled, "I eat fruit." The South African woman in the book admitted to the very same things happening to her that happen to me. When she ate other foods (besides raw fruit, vegetables and nuts/seeds), she would binge, eating uncontrollably as if there was no end in sight. Returning to eating in a basic 80-10-10 manner, the binge eating ended.
I recall when i was doing my "recovery diet days" how much saner i actually was and how much better i was able to control my weight. They weren't DIET days. They were SANE days.
Now that i kind of brainwashed myself to believing gourmet was a goal, i got worse and worse and heavier and heavier.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH GOURMET. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH "ME" AND GOURMET.
Okay, i actually think it MIGHT be possible to train onesself to stop binge eating by learning to eat in moderation. But i have NEVER in my lifetime had ANY long term success with it.
I recall an anti-diet i was did called "Overcoming Overeating." You were supposed to fill your house with every possible junk food you ever wanted and tons of it. Say you liked potato chips. You were to buy, say, 8 giant bags. In this way, you felt you always had enough and were supposed to be calmed by this, only eat a little, and ultimately, lose weight. You were to learn to eat from your hunger, learn to stop when you were full.
I gained miserably on this plan. I ate like it was going out of style. But, i wouldn't give up. The book said that no matter HOW MUCH you gained to just keep trying to attain the goal. I just kept buying those bags and bags of junkfood, replenishing what i had binged on, i kept bingeing, kept replensihing, because i knew i would eventually succeed at overcoming overeating in this way.
You know when i overcame overeating fast food? When i gave it up totally.
Why is it i've never eaten another hamburger again???
BECAUSE I'VE NEVER EATEN ANOTHER HAMBURGER AGAIN.
It is a pitiful thing to be an all or nothing person like me. I don't wish it on anyone. I feel like I can't enjoy the simple pleasures of food like other people can, just get up from the table, contentedly full, rubbing my belly, emitting a pleased, "Ahhhhhhh" and that being the end of it.
I recall one of the times i went off 80-10-10 by eating out at "All the Way Live," a phenomel raw food eatery close by. One meal there became 3, in a row. I became absolutely obsessed. I sat outside on the patio miserably downing the 2nd and 3rd huge platter of food i took home, and the two desserts, not enjoying any of it. Where was the pleasure? It was fleeting. There was none. It had become a sick thing.
Read the following email from a friend:
I am obsessed with raw bread, too! I ate a few tastes yesterday, but after that...it didn't end there. That taste for salt was awoken. I ate a lot of salt last night...and awoke with dark dark circles/marks under my eyes this morning....and as if I didn't learn my lesson, made a tomato salad, and heavily salted it today. Also, when I woke up this morning, my mouth was bone dry....it was horrible!More from friends - Debbie comments:
This just goes to show you that I cannot even go there!!!!!!! An addict is an addict, but an addict is 1/2 way cured when we admit that we have a problem. And I have a major problem with salt...the funny thing is...salt didn't used to effect me the way it does now. I don't remember having dark under eyes if I ate a lot of salt in the past. Maybe my body is becoming too sensitive?
Either way, salt is just like raw goat cheese for me. I shouldn't even touch it in the first place because I know myself well enough, and respect myself enough, to know that I won't be able to make it a "short affair!!!"
I so agree with you, Megan and Susan [referring to yesterdays post]....I feel that I can better control stress on 80-10-10...and I am more productive, energetic and positive. And I am not obsessed with "what am I going to eat next"...I also cannot stop when I start on raw cheese so don't even start it in the first place. The same will have to happen with salt. I have to stop numbing myself and just feel my emotions and embrace them instead of hiding them!
Today I had a little cantelope in the morning and the rest of the day had salty tomato salad with onion....I feel like crap now and am ready to get in bed!!!
When I eat salt, I am so thirsty and wake up so parched in the morning.
When I am 80-10-10ing, I am not obsessing over food....and I barely drink any water because I am so well hydrated.
Guess what, tomorrow is a new day and can be considered a new start or a clean slate.
I will be back to 80-10-10 because I know that is the best for me!!!!! Come join me on 80-10-10!
Michelle - Don't wait another day to go back on 80 10 10. It's much easier for me, too, to just stay away from all the spices, salts, and oils. I ordered a book called, Excitotoxins, The Taste That Kills, and can't wait to start reading it for encouragement.You know, it occurs to me that Angela Stokes-Monarch, who eats gourmet occasionally may never have been a binge eater.
I remember when i was on www.rawfoodbootcamp.com how my days were at work - productive, completely unobsessed and even uninterested in food, until i got hungry. It was such a pleasure. I told everyone i felt, "FREE." I did.
Paradoxically, in being actually FREE from any food rules now, i feel horrendous.
Some people NEED structure. Some people like ME.
Isn't it a pity that a person such as me who ENJOYS food so much can't learn to enjoy food in moderation?????
There are those of us who when we allow ourselves an inch, we take a foot. And then there are those us of and that can live contentedly in the world of pleasure and can enjoy it and not go overboard. I wish someday i could be one of those people. I think someday i can be. I think spiritually and emotionally i might have to grow. Maybe it's still a possibility. But, not today.
For today, i'm giving up that wish. I just want to return to the way i looked and felt not too long ago. I want to lose these 18 or so pounds and get back to 250.
Why did i stop there, anyway? Remember i was trying to learn how to moderate?
I think i must have been just scared, emotionally, to really break 250. To say goodbye to 250. Okay, so i tried to moderate and now it's 268 or higher, probably.
I think also FOOD has been my MAJOR SOURCE OF PLEASURE in my life. Without pleasurable food (fat and salt), my life feels sadly empty of pleasure.
There should be no reason to hold off further weight loss past 250. There should be no reason why i couldn't go on 80-10-10 for the next year and forego all of the gourmet eateries, all of the gourmet treats at work. It's a sad proposition, but, you know what? It's only food. What's more important? Restoring sanity and health or persisting in a goal which is at this point, unreachable?
Maybe when i reach 200 lbs, i can teach myself to eat gourmet moderately.
Until then, i think i need to seriously turn my back on fat and salt.
When i did www.rawfoodbootcamp.com i ate 1/4 of an avo a day, no salt, and lost weight, again, for the first time in a YEAR.
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At OHI, I lost 140 lbs in the first 8 months of being a raw foodist.
I've been raw now for 2.5 years, 3 years in November. After those initial 8 months, the rest of the time, i've been basically hogging out on gourmet and gaining, or finally losing again on 80-10-10, then gaining it back everytime i indulge in gourmet.
It is sad to say that some of us, cannot just take a taste, and have it stop there.
Intellectually, i KNOW it is possible to learn to control food, good food, i KNOW that. I just don't think i have the resources to do that right now. Maybe another time.
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I'll be returning to 80-10-10ing. I'll return to writing my food down. And i'll tell myself the following, "You can work on enjoying gourmet raw food again in moderation when you weigh 200 lbs."
I think it is a good goal. There is no reason i need to be this heavy. The only reason i HAVE been is because i've been so insistent that i can control gourmet. Well, i keep trying. It ain't working.
There are more ways than one to skin a cat. Some folks can do Weight Watchers and eat 1 oz of potato chips and 1/2 cup of icecream and lose their weight and live blissfully forever eating moderately. I could never accomplish that. I always lost control.
Blessings to you on YOUR journey. We ALL have a different one. This is going to be MINE for the next.....hm......7 months. 10 pounds a month. 7 months. That is actually a very reasonable goal! I am probably close to 270 now. Maybe i'll weigh myself later this morning and make it official, my official weigh in of the new plan.
Cross your fingers. Pray for me. I think i'm making the right decision. How long can a person go on gaining and not say, "STOP THE INSANITY!"
P.S. i'm not going to the Raw Spirit Fest. I need to work on my opera. And get sane again. Watermelon, here i come!
I'll write later what i plan as a new food plan. I'm thinking unlimited bananas, no salt, low fat, but not insanely low. I'll need to set up some serious parameters for fat that are reasonable. Of course exercise.
xoxox michelle joy