DIZZY GILESPIE...I'M A DIZZY BROAD!!
I had hurt my ankle yesterday missing a step going downstairs and my achiles tendon ouches. Can THAT cause dizziness????
I called Arnold to explain i'd be late to work, and called the Doctor. I see a holistic practitioner.
The Physician's assistant was able to see me and determined my blood pressure was very low. 105/60. She suspected i was severely dehydrated from the diarhea i had for 2 days.
Luckily, my coworker, Megan, was able to get another coworker, Kim, to come in early to the cafe' to rescue my shift, so thankfully, i am able to stay home and rest, which is what i'm doing.
I still feel 'off kilter'. The doctors assistant explained that the 'd' could have been a stomach virus, that there has been one going around, and that dizziness following a virus is common. Maya, Arnolds daughter, was sick with 'd' the other day. Did i catch a virus?
Arnold doesn't believe in viruses. Along the same lines, i tended myself to believe the 'd' was from the binge at work on Friday. The body tries to rid itself by whatever means it can of whatever it doesn't want in it! But, whatever it is, or was, I don't feel good. :-(((
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PRE-BREAKFAST: 3 peaches, 1 handful grapes, 1 large herbal tea unsweetened.
LIQUID: The dr. suggested Gatorade to replenish the fluid. I know it is not raw, containing corn syrup, but, i was hoping it would help, and it was a suggestion from a holistic dr. I knew it wasn't ideal, but also wouldn't kill me. 1.5 large gatorades.
BREAKFAST: chocolate "icecream": 4 frozen bananas, cacao, agave, 1 tsp cashew butter vitamixed
LUNCH: 1 salad of: red leaf lettuce, fresh jersey tomato, crisp cucumber, cilantro, red onion, 1 heaping Tbsp nutritional yeast, juice of 1/2 lemon, 1 tsp olive oil, 1 tsp tahini, water, a little tiny bit of sea salt, fresh chopped garlic. This was tasty, and leaning towards the gourmet, but not entirely 'dark grey zone'. There was minimal salt in it and very little olive oil.
Yet, my tummy doesn't feel that great after eating it.
Fruit DOES always make my tummy feel good. It's so easy to digest. I suppose fattier things are more challenging to digest. I must remember to take some enzymes later. i have to sing tomorrow.
SNACK: 1/2 medium watermelon. Was hungry.
DINNER: 1 salad of red leaf lettuce, fresh ripe tomato, 1/2 crunchy cucumber, red onion, chopped fresh garlic, chopped cilantro and fresh basil, 1 Tbsp of cashew butter, 1/2 lemon's juice, 4 shakes of sea salt
SNACK: strawberry banana shake with agave. was NOT hungry at all. cliff wanted one and i wanted it, too. i don't think this is working. there are going to have to be SOME boundaries. Hunger, at least.
SITTING WITH THE GREY
Leaving the door open for 'gourmet' is scary. I'm afraid i'm being 'bad' all of the time. I wanted this salad, so i ate it. [for lunch] [i also wanted it for dinner....and felt so scared afterwards...what am i doing to myself? i think i'm going to gain weight.] I had initially made the raw tahini dressing for Cliff, and served him 1/2 of it yesterday on a falafel. But decided i, infact, wanted the other half today. [i made more for dinner] I was genuinely hungry and yes, it was all raw, and yes, it did taste good. Not mind blowing. [i was not really hungry for dinner] It didn't have nearly enough salt to blow my mind. [the dinner one had enough salt...it was good...but i'm terribly troubled by my attempt at moderating, and i feel i'm stepping over boundaries left and right and, though, yes, it tastes good, what good am i doing to myself if i gain weight?]
But, still, i feel guilty for enjoying a little bit extra fat at lunch, and extra bananas and agave at breakfast. [and dinner and the snack i had no hunger for]
Plus, I don't really feel good, dizzy still, and am a little worried about that, too. [i feel better now]
AND no walk. [no walk still] [this definitely won't work without walking. i can't just eat because and expect to lose weight...and add in more fat, salt and even more bananas and not expect to gain.]
Being on the straight and narrow is much easier to cope with. Being in the grey is....complex...and not here and not there. I don't know if i'm gaining or losing. [i think i'm gaining]
That's WIERD. [that's awful and i feel out of control. it's total insanity to look at my meals and see meals and snacks and to feel out of control. i really have an eating disorder]
Maybe i'm not doing EITHER. [i think i'm gaining]
Maybe i'm just BEING.
THAT is Ultra Le Strange. [i'm not sure it's good]
Am i a dissappointment? [i feel dissappointed in myself. i'm confused and feel out of control]
If i'm not losing, who am i? Am i boring? Where is the drama of losing? Or the drama of gaining? Do i just miss THE DRAMA???? THE EXCITEMENT? [all i feel is fear and worry]
Grey is an awful BLAH color! [this doesn't feel very good]
ONE BIT OF EXCITEMENT
The last time i was weighed at the drs office i weighed 398. Today i was 255 dressed. Very exciting.
More later. Don't get bored - something wowy kazowy is bound to happen!!! Maybe Chicken Little is falling from the SKY!!!
Heck, if i'm not losing 15 lbs in a week or my hair is falling out in clumps or i'm gaining 23 lbs in 2 weeks, what am i, like, ....invisible??? Maybe life doesn't always have to have such DRAMA!
xoxo michelle joy