Beginning Raw Vegan Weight: 425
Beginning Blog Weight: 277
Weight Yesterday: 257 1/4
Today's Weight: 257 1/4
Todays Loss: O
Level of acceptance of the third day this week I lost nothing: ehh, well, what can i do?
Total Blog Loss: 19 3/4 lbs in 13 days, yay! That is pretty awesome still!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It's raining out, so i'll be heading to the gym today for my walk....
So, i didn't lose today.
I need to remind myself....I'm still a winner! I've lost nearly 170 lbs!
I see that pretty girl in the blue hat, smiling, above, and it's still me, only a lot bigger. I suppose I still experienced lots of joy being really big, too. I'm always smiling in those pictures that Cliff shot of me. Most of them are from us on vacation. Good times.
I experienced a lot of pain then, too. Alot of physical pain. And the devastating effects of being so big. I couldn't fit in regular chairs. Through turnstyles. In bathtubs. In regular size restrooms.
Now that I'm smaller, I have a lot of joy, too, but also a lot of pain. But, it's not really 'physical' pain anymore. It's more internal. Emotional pain.
Come to think of it, losing O is an emotional pain, an emotional pain in the ass! Hard work should be rewarded, Mr. Scale, you (^#%&%(#*!!!!
Success will be easy some days, and hard won on others. I strive to keep the faith that with sticking to this program, I will ultimately have the success I'm looking for. So, I keep on keepin' on!
I suppose we chose our pain. Now my pain is of a different sort. (Sure, I look better. I squiggle around in the bathtubs with plenty of room. I never worry about fitting in seats at the movies or in restaurants anymore.) I just FEEL alot of stuff I used to be NUMB to. Emotions are....not always fun.
We make trade-offs in this lifetime, though, don't we? Cliff is fond of reminding me what a famous pianist he loved once said, "We can't feel great pleasure unless we can experience great pain."
I suppose to reach 'pure raw joy,' there will be emotional mountains to climb, there will be lots of tears on the pillow. But when i get there? Pure raw joy looks like that picture of me in the dessert at the top of my blog. Only i'll be a lot skinnier.
As a 425lb person, pleasure used to mean 10 hamburgers in a row followed by the worst misery of immobility and the despair and hopelessness that came with that.
In the recent past, pleasure meant 100$ raw binges at Oasis Living Cuisine in Frazer, PA http://www.oasis-pa.com/ and the pain of being unable to pay off my considerable debt. Pain also meant physical pain from hemmorhoids that i developed when I ate too many nuts.
Now, pain has become more emotional. I feel surges of anger when an injustice is done to me that doesn't always dissipate immediately. I feel discouraged or dejected intermittently by working hard and not getting rewarded on the scale. I get over it. I feel great, happy at work now by being productive and getting things done. Only to feel angry again later when i can't find something. It is a rollercoaster of emotions. My friend, Sheryl, was right. I am a 'sensitive'. Like her, I feel things, maybe more, than regular folks. I think i need to get back to that meditation I used to do.
Joy now is the thrill of accomplishing a long, challenging walk. The feeling of 'flying' when i'm singing well. The satisfaction of knowing i helped someone else.
So, really, I still enjoy pleasure, I still feel pain. They're both just a little different. Pleasure and pain have changed their faces. And I'm just still getting used to knowing them in their new forms.
I know I'm accomplishing alot more in my life. As I accomplish more and more, pleasure and pain change, again, too, i think.
If you're on a weight loss journey, let's experience these pains...and pleasures together! We'll get through this, together, I hope! Please keep in touch!
Beginning Blog Weight: 277
Weight Yesterday: 257 1/4
Today's Weight: 257 1/4
Todays Loss: O
Level of acceptance of the third day this week I lost nothing: ehh, well, what can i do?
Total Blog Loss: 19 3/4 lbs in 13 days, yay! That is pretty awesome still!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It's raining out, so i'll be heading to the gym today for my walk....
So, i didn't lose today.
I need to remind myself....I'm still a winner! I've lost nearly 170 lbs!
I see that pretty girl in the blue hat, smiling, above, and it's still me, only a lot bigger. I suppose I still experienced lots of joy being really big, too. I'm always smiling in those pictures that Cliff shot of me. Most of them are from us on vacation. Good times.
I experienced a lot of pain then, too. Alot of physical pain. And the devastating effects of being so big. I couldn't fit in regular chairs. Through turnstyles. In bathtubs. In regular size restrooms.
Now that I'm smaller, I have a lot of joy, too, but also a lot of pain. But, it's not really 'physical' pain anymore. It's more internal. Emotional pain.
Come to think of it, losing O is an emotional pain, an emotional pain in the ass! Hard work should be rewarded, Mr. Scale, you (^#%&%(#*!!!!
Success will be easy some days, and hard won on others. I strive to keep the faith that with sticking to this program, I will ultimately have the success I'm looking for. So, I keep on keepin' on!
I suppose we chose our pain. Now my pain is of a different sort. (Sure, I look better. I squiggle around in the bathtubs with plenty of room. I never worry about fitting in seats at the movies or in restaurants anymore.) I just FEEL alot of stuff I used to be NUMB to. Emotions are....not always fun.
We make trade-offs in this lifetime, though, don't we? Cliff is fond of reminding me what a famous pianist he loved once said, "We can't feel great pleasure unless we can experience great pain."
I suppose to reach 'pure raw joy,' there will be emotional mountains to climb, there will be lots of tears on the pillow. But when i get there? Pure raw joy looks like that picture of me in the dessert at the top of my blog. Only i'll be a lot skinnier.
As a 425lb person, pleasure used to mean 10 hamburgers in a row followed by the worst misery of immobility and the despair and hopelessness that came with that.
In the recent past, pleasure meant 100$ raw binges at Oasis Living Cuisine in Frazer, PA http://www.oasis-pa.com/ and the pain of being unable to pay off my considerable debt. Pain also meant physical pain from hemmorhoids that i developed when I ate too many nuts.
Now, pain has become more emotional. I feel surges of anger when an injustice is done to me that doesn't always dissipate immediately. I feel discouraged or dejected intermittently by working hard and not getting rewarded on the scale. I get over it. I feel great, happy at work now by being productive and getting things done. Only to feel angry again later when i can't find something. It is a rollercoaster of emotions. My friend, Sheryl, was right. I am a 'sensitive'. Like her, I feel things, maybe more, than regular folks. I think i need to get back to that meditation I used to do.
Joy now is the thrill of accomplishing a long, challenging walk. The feeling of 'flying' when i'm singing well. The satisfaction of knowing i helped someone else.
So, really, I still enjoy pleasure, I still feel pain. They're both just a little different. Pleasure and pain have changed their faces. And I'm just still getting used to knowing them in their new forms.
I know I'm accomplishing alot more in my life. As I accomplish more and more, pleasure and pain change, again, too, i think.
If you're on a weight loss journey, let's experience these pains...and pleasures together! We'll get through this, together, I hope! Please keep in touch!
FOOD/EXERCISE:
BR: 1 really big green smoothie: 3 bananas, 1/2 head kale, 2 kiwi, 1 peach, ice, filtered water
EXERCISE: 33 min walk on treadmill at gym
SN: 3 grapefruits
LN: Spicy Spaghetti - this was so good - recipe below
H2O: 2 Ayala Waters, I love these things (calorie free, essential oil infused water) www.herbalwater.com
DN: Another really big green smoothie: 1/2 head kale, no bananas, peaches, pineapple, raspberries, filtered water. Ugly color, like baby poop, not sweet, bitter, and seedy from the raspberries, but tolerable! Funny how food is about feeding my hunger, and about chosing what i think will be best for me, and not so much about satisfying my tastebuds at every meal.
SN: 5-banana whip with cacao and shredded coconut. Was so hungry. Irritable. I wanted it. I ate it. I enjoyed it. This meal was about satisfying my tastebuds AND my hunger. I had tried to limit my bananas today...SPICY SPAGHETTI - really fresh tasting. didn't miss salt or oil at all! this was particularly delcious.
3 small zucchinis spiralized in bowl
Sauce: use cuisinart w/S blade for a chunky satisfying sauce
- 2 roma tomato
- 1/2 red pepper
- small peice beet
- 1/2 tsp fresh ginger
- 1/2 tsp fresh elephant garlic, so much sweeter
- 1/2 small lemon's juice
- 1 squirt cayenne juice
- 3 shakes turmeric
- 5 shakes chili powder, salt free
- 2 shakes coriander
Top spaghetti in bowl with sauce, add 1/2 cup fresh chopped cilantro and 1 tsp. fresh chopped red onion. YUM!
Today was a HARD day emotionally. LOTS of uncomfortable feelings surfacing. Anger, frustration, discouragement. It's alot more fun being NUMB, actually. Is this how normal people live? Whew.
I said to Cliff this morning dejectedly, "I didn't lose anything for 3 days this week." You know what his answer was? (It really touched me and made me realize what a lucky girl i am.) He said, "So what. It doesn't matter. You're getting in shape and you look great! If you stay the same weight you are now, and you just keep getting fitter and fitter and healthier and healthier, and keep staying on your path, who cares what you weigh? It's not about the weight, it's about getting healthy. Weight is just a freakin' number. It's the quality of the weight."
I love you, Cliffy. I had to admit, this kind of knocked me out of my duldrums. He really made me realize that I may not be losing pounds daily, but I'm gaining FITNESS and HEALTH, revving up my metabolism, i'm getting stronger and i'm making progress, regardless of what the scale says. My heart is getting stronger, my bones are getting stronger, my muscles, my lungs, my legs. The scale is not everything.
Today at the gym on the treadmill, I was able to set the tempo of the machine faster than i ever could. That really showed me how much fitness I've gained. Yay!
xoxox Michelle Joy
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