Out of Prison!

Beginning Raw Vegan Weight: 425

Beginning Blog Weight: 277

Weight Yesterday: 258 3/4

Today's Weight: 257 1/4

Today's Loss: -1.5 lbs

Total Blog Loss: 19 3/4 lbs lost in 12 days! Only 4 1/4 lbs to go to meet my 23 lb goal!

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Here I am on the Philadelphia Zoo Balloon 2.5 years ago. I was still about 30 lbs shy of my highest weight here, so i had still gotten much heavier.

What's amazing to me is how my perceptions have changed over time, with experience. I now see these old pictures of myself, and find it hard to recognize myself. My perception of what is a normal weight has adjusted more towards...normal, I think. I look really big to myself here, yet, at the time, i didn't realize I was that heavy. I walked around the world looking out of my eyes, and not looking at myself much. What others saw was a very very heavy person, but my self perception was distorted. I didn't 'know' i was that heavy.

This is extremely powerful work for me to be able to look at these pictures daily and realize how far i've come.

Today should be a day to rejoice! After two days of no loss, i have lost a nice amount. Yet, I feel down in the dumps, discouraged. I'm a little melancholy today. I think i'm in a little state of mourning.

You see, detox can be more than a physical reaction to raw cleansing food. Detox can be emotional. I'm sad because i'm mourning for my lost love, fatty salty food. As i get closer to my goal of 23 lbs lost in 2 weeks, i expected to be 'happier'. Yet, having that goal in sight, means i have to start looking toward the next goal. Being so close to 250 behooves that my next goal be to get under that. That means more 80-10-10ing to get there. 80-10-10 has been so good for me. So, why do i feel so sad this morning?

I do think about getting a gourmet raw meal out. That would make me feel really happy! Well, temporarily....

Heck, after all of this hard work, there really wouldn't be anything wrong with that, I used to do it at the raw retreat, were it not for my tendency to become easily obsessed with gourmet raw food. Now that it's a lot more available to me, I have more tendency to go hogwild. Working in a raw cafe, not being under the strict watchful eyes of a raw retreat, I can easily let myself go overboard. If I knew it could be a one time thing, and i could get right back on track, i'd be less apprehensive about doing it. Unfortunately, things spiral very quickly out of control for me. I sound like an alcoholic. Do they have RGA for raw gourmet addiction??????

Since 80-10-10ing, i've eaten from hunger, i've lost those insane compulsive cravings, i haven't binged once. What amazing freedom I have discovered. And really, what did i give up?

Yet, with the pleasure of freedom that i've experienced in this diet, there is also the surfacing of pain. My tendency is to want to numb that with fat and salt.

Best for me to just FEEL it, let it work through me. It will dissipate.

I used to love this Bible passage, "God loves a contrite heart." That means, that God loves it when we allow ourselves to experience our sadness. In experiencing our sadness, it has a chance to wash through us, like a wave, and on the other side, is renewed joy. Pure raw joy.

This diet makes the most sense for me. Unfortunately. Fooey for me.

More insane planning of a raw gourmet meal: Wait a minute, after this intiail goal of 253 is met...and i then break 250 and get to 249.......and go out for a gourmet raw meal, wow, that will be exciting. But....i will weigh at least 253 the next morning (water retention), so that will not feel really triumphant, will it? If i do do it, best to wait until i reach 240, then i can have some leeway if i do put on a few water weight pounds from a gourmet raw meal, and i will still be under 250, permanently!

So...it looks like i'm in this for the looooong haul. About 4 more lbs to go on this goal...and another 13 to reach 240.

It's all just a little sad. But in giving up something, i do get so much more in return. Loss of a love/Gaining of freedom. Loss of pleasure/Gaining of more important pleasures. Look at me behind those bars in that picture above. I was in a prison. And i'm free now.

Perk up, chickadee! Hey, I'm going to go try on my old tight pants and see if they fit! if they do, i'll wear them to work!

Wish me luck on continued 80-10-10ing at work today. Work is my biggest challenge, but i feel confident to succeed. I will set my mind on what i WILL eat there, not on what i WON'T. The Secret says to focus on the POSITIVE, not in the NEGATIVE. Don't say "I won't eat this." Say, "I will eat this." When you tell yourself, "I won't eat this," you are actually attracting yourself to eat those foods. I will attract myself to eat today: raw fruits and veggies, exclusively.

P.S. I am consulting with Dr. Graham of 80-10-10 diet regarding my ideal fat levels. I will update you.

So, off to work. No time to walk this morning, Yoga tonight. I'll try to eat lighter today as i have not walked. Thank you for listening. Please keep in touch. LaSoprana@aol.com. I could really use some support. Or leave a comment!

FOOD - What i ate today at my job at a raw cafe' (Arnolds
Way Raw Vegetarian Cafe' and Educational Center - www.arnoldsway.com)

BR: 4 grapefruits cut up, yummy

SN: some left over green smoothie 2-3x while prepping smoothies for customers

SN: small banana whip with carob and raspberries, yummie

LU: zucchini spaghetti with no fat/no salt tomato sauce. This was good. I'll try to write a recipe tomorrow. Too tired tonight.

SN: 1 small banana

DN: 2 grapefruits

SN: 1 mango

SN: 2 big mugs full of double thick banana 'snickerdoodle' smoothie, almost whip-like: bananas, organic vanilla, cinnamon, water, vitamixed. yummo.

Today was a hard day emotionally. I felt a lot of stabs of emotional pain. I felt vulnerable and wounded much of the day. I wanted to eat a burger, an avocado, raw bread. I think i'm really saying goodbye to fat and it hurts. It really sucks. I have had such pleasure-filled 80-10-10 honeymoon days. Today i felt sorry for myself a few times, and it wasn't fun. Yet, i didn't give in. I remain strong.

On the subject of fat, though, i am constulting with Dr. Doug Graham of the 80-10-10 diet http://www.foodnsport.com/ about how much fat i should be eating, if this 0 overt fats plan is bad or good for me. As an all - or - nothing person, it's been easy in a sense because with no fat, i dont' have to moderate it then. We'll see what he says. I had a lot of cravings for fat today. But i'm hanging in there!

Oh! I wore those old tight pants to work today!!! They fit and they're a little baggy!

xoxo michelle joy