A Hard Day. Reflections on Reflections.

Beginning Raw Vegan Weight: 425

Beginning Blog Weight: 277

Weight Yesterday: 252

Weight Today: 252 1/2

Today’s Loss: +1/2

Total Blog Loss: 24.5 lbs in 3 weeks and 2 days...and a LOT of inches!

NEW GOAL: 249 - only 3.5 lbs away!!

TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS: 172.5 lbs

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SHORT HAIRCUT and MY NEW SHIRT
There's my new short haircut and the peekaboo spot of thinning up top. It's good i'm smiling, though. These pictures were taken yesterday.

That's the new white pretty top Cliff bought me for my birthday on May 12th. It is a 1x and it actually FITS now! I was so joyous wearing that during my walk. Cliff was so thrilled he could go into Kohls and buy off the rack in a 'regular' store for my birthday. It was tight when i tried in on on my birthday. Not anymore! No more "Catherines" or "Avenue" or "Fashion Bug Plus" necessary in order to buy a birthday present!


TODAY AND YESTERDAY
I awoke this morning feeling blah. But i actually am feeling better now. I gained a half pound this morning, but i understand it, it's okay.

FOOD/ACTIVITY FROM YESTERDAY
I fell asleep early as Cliff and I were watching 'Gran Torino' last night. (Wake up at 4:15 a.m., to sleep by 9p.m.!!!) Missed writing my food.

EXERCISE: 30 minute hard walk uphill alot while Cliff showered after his bicycle ride.

SINGING PRACTICE: 5 minutes, went through new songs to learn words.

BREAKFAST: Made a big jug of smoothie and drank half in the car: strawberries, 4 bananas, coconut, water.

Trip to Adamstown, PA! The fridge was bare, had to resort to extra bananas as i was caught unprepared with not enough produce and no greens.

SN: The rest of the smoothie above.

SN: Adamstown's STOUDTS Brewery has a farmers market/natural health food store on the top floor, completely unbe-knowst to me with all of these health food products we sell at arnolds way....and get this, they carry: RAW CHEESE!!!!! My friends Dustin and Meredith, and Rebecca enjoy this treat. Let me tell you, I was TEMPTED!!! My only fear was that i would like it TOO much, and since it's fatty and not vegan, i opted out. But they had 6 flavors!!!!! chedder and swiss and it just kept going on and on and on. It's a little company outside of Lancaster that makes it.

I chose fresh shucked peas from fresh raw pea pods in a container, a tasty crunchy nice snack! And i got about 3/4 of a cup of sunflower seeds and snacked on 1/2 of those.

All morning sunflower seeds were calling me, i've not eaten them in weeks, but i really wanted them and so, there you go. I knew i was eating too many, but i had been feeling HORRIBLE, and i wasn't sure why. I thought they would make me feel better? I don't think they did. But i think i feel better this morning, so who knows????

Cliff ate two hotdogs with sauerkraut, and let me tell you, i had a serious case of the poor me's yesterday and really felt sorry for myself. i love (love-d) hotdogs. and i still LOVE the smell hotdogs and could just imagine how good they would taste. We walked around and had fun shopping for antiques. i got a pretty necklace and ring from my honey!

SN: 1 large water and 1.5 oranges

LUNCH: 2 corns on the cob, more of the raw peas.

SN: 1/4 of a medium watermelon

DN: 1 cup of green grapes and a huge salad, i was really craving greens. Whole head of red leaf lettuce, shredded beets, carrot, purple cabbage, tomato, red pepper, long green pepper and purple onion, 2 Tbsp of nutritional yeast, juice of 1/2 lemon, 2 Tbsp of apple cider vinegar, a sunflower seed cream dressing: blenderized the rest of the sunflower seeds, water, 1 clove garlic.

The salad came out coated in a pink cream that bled off of the beets. It was huge and actually yummy and so creamy. It was the creamiest thing i've had in over 3 weeks. It would have been killer with salt. I couldn't get over the fact that there was no oil in it and i liked it.

* * * * FAT ALERT: Yet, this little sunflower seed party turned my day into nearly 60% fat according to fitday.com. 3/4 of a cup of sunflower seeds have 616 calories and 53 fat
grams.

* * * * *CANDIDA ALERT: I am still itching and burning and i don't think the sunflower seeds helped. It is discouraging, but yet, i go on.

RAW EMOTIONS - MIRRORS - WHAT YOU SEE, WHAT YOU HEAR, IS WHAT YOU GET!

• Yesterday was one of the hardest days emotionally i have had. I looked at myself in the mirror naked, noticing all of my cellulite and stretchmarks and hangy hangy hangy skin and cried. Cliff comforted me, hugged me, kissed me, and told me i was beautiful. He is my darling. I couldn't stop crying. Losing weight is wonderful and i look better in clothes, but i am scarred for life by the damage i have done to my body over 20+ years of yo yo dieting.
  
  When i lose all of my weight, i'd like to get plastic surgery to pull everything UP and tight.
  
  Angela Stokes says the skin will go back with raw. I think that's really a myth unless you have never lost and gained before like i have my entire life. Stretchmarks are scars that don't go away. I hope the hair regrowing is not a myth as well.
  
  I couldn't stop thinking about the recording session i had and how unhappy i was with it. The recording session was a mirror of a sort, too. And I'm not happy with that either, and don't want to put it out there.
  
  I felt badly about my singing. Badly about my body. Badly about my hair. I tried to work the secret and detach from those negative thoughts. I can't do much to change things, i can just work on accepting them....and making them BETTER.
  
  But Cliff comforted me again. No, it was not my best, he agreed after listening to the recording, but said, "You are wonderful. I hear alot of nerves. You were restricting, you weren't letting your voice flow."
  
  I explained i could hear myself in the headphones and heard every flaw and it was freaking me out and i couldn't 'let go'. He told me about Brian Wilson, the lead singer of AC/DC who NEVER
  listens to his own voice in the earphones. GOOD TO KNOW. The microphone and the earphones really stifled me. I had pitch problems repeatedly and i rarely have pitch problems, well, that i KNEW of anyway.
  
  
  CONFIDENCE IS EVERYTHING
  This experience really threw my confidence before the big wedding union i will be singing in. And i cried alot yesterday. I was irritable and miserable much of the day. I will hold off on adding those recordings to a myspace.com page, until i get better material i am proud of. If i put something out there that i am not proud of, i'll lose my confidence.
  
  
  MOVING ON
  This morning, I actually feel better, renewed, ready to move on.
  
  And that is what i will do!
  
  I'll take my walk and I need to go to the studio to have some backtracks copied from youtube for the raw wedding.
  
  I teach singing today and have a singing rehearsal tonight for a show i do with my accompanist, Alex. We will be singing, "From Opera to Broadway", a show pianistic and vocal gems of Gershwin, Puccini, Lloyd Webber and Rodgers and Hammerstein" in July.
  
  Onward and upward.
  
  Wishing you a blessed day. We can get through this....together.
  

FOOD/ACTIVITY

• EXERCISE: 30 min walk, half all uphill.
• BREAKFAST: I made a green smoothie that filled to the brim of the vitamix cannister. I drank half for breakfast. Carted the other half in the car.
  
  BEST INVESTMENT TIP: a big igloo jug for drinks. It keeps them cold and fits an entire vitamix cannister worth of smoothie in it. and this was a good one!
  
  Green smoothie: Swiss chard, 1 1/2 banana, 2 cups red grapes, 1.5 cups grozen strawberries, water. Was sweet from the grapes and the chard is yummy, not as bitter as kale.
• SN: Rest of green smoothie
• LN: BIG salad - red leaf lettuce, red onion, red pepper, tomato. Dressing: 2 tsp raw tahini, 1/8 cup water, 1/2 large lemon's juice, garlic powder, 2 Tbsp of nutritional yeast, black pepper. This was good!
• DINNER: Zucchini spaghetti (2 big zucchinis spiralized) with a very simple sauce or 1/2 red pepper and 3 red ripe tomatoes blenderized. this was actually GOOD!
• TAUGHT SINGING LESSON: Man, you know how they say that sometimes the student teaches the teacher? This lesson was filled with such awarenesses for my students (a couple) AND me. What an inspiration.
  SN: Alot of watermelon. I cut a big one in half. Cut that part in half (that's a 1/4th of a large) and ate 3/4 of that. Man, it was goooood.
• VOCAL PRACTICE: unbelievable practice. i'm going to be good! I was not 'connected' to my diaphragm/abdominals. I got it now!!! I'm back, baby!!
• SN: 2 raw corn on the cob. sweet. yum.
  
  xxooxo michelle joy