Monday, October 19, 2009

Binge Eating - At WAR with yourself....or at PEACE??

Good morning, dear Folks,

I am headed off for my first walk in 5 days. It's been raining here non-stop and it's been cold. Okay, lame excuse. I do have a gym membership. Point taken.

Nevertheless, i am walking to the hospital to get some blood drawn. I had the DR write me up a script, since i am a vegan, most of the time when i don't submit to raw cheese, not that there's anything wrong with that...it sure tastes good! I'd like to see if i am low on B12 or IRON. For years, i've been ANEMIC and i've not been supplementing my iron recently. I'd like to see how my overall bloodwork comes out.

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I feel good about my eating. I'm eating when i get hungry, eating what i want, raw vegan, and i think this is the course i am going to follow for right now. 80-10-10 was an external measure taken to lose weight quickly. The only problem was, since I wasn't willing to stay on it forever, i always went off into gourmet-binges and gained everything back i just lost anyway. So, you could say that 80-10-10 for me is a WEIGHT GAINING DIET...because eventually, i'd gain the weight back. This is just MY reaction to it.

What i'd like to do NOW is become more attuned to my body, not care so much about percentages of what i feed it, ENJOY MY FOOD MORE, AND ultimately eat LESS because i won't be binge eating anymore. SUCCESS!! After THAT is achieved, maybe i WILL move to a cleaner raw diet....BUT, i'll no longer binge when i decide to eat something a little heavier. I will be in control, intuitively, naturally. WOW!!!

I'm working my new program online to heal binge eating and i'm LOVIN' it!!! Here's what i've been reading and writing on:

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LESSON 2 - THE POWER TO HEAL
www.breakawayprogram.com. I cut and pasted this lesson here from the website. I try to read it over and over again, because some of it is a little cryptic and hard for me to understand, but the more i read it, the more i see what a disconnect there is between my body, my conscious mind and my subconscious mind. I wanted to share this with you. What's been powerful is the website's positive influence over my subconscious mind. My eating is ALREADY vastly improved, probably because my subconsicous mind knows there is hope on the horizon now. Below is my homework assignment from this lesson.

Binge Eating Disorder can be healed. In fact, you can heal yourself starting this very second. You have had the power all along and always will have the power to self-heal. It’s what your body does best under the right conditions.

Let’s say you broke a bone in your body. Instantly, your body swells in the area of trauma to prevent further injury. Your blood increases in the area to provide more oxygen to the cells in trouble. The bone will begin to automatically repair itself over the next few weeks until it has healed itself. You didn’t have to sit on your couch and mentally think about healing the broken bone 24 hours a day because your subconscious mind did it for you.

The subconscious mind does a lot for you that you just don’t think about. It basically runs your system or body and wants everything to run optimally and smoothly. Your belief systems are stored in your subconscious mind and are held there like a sacred shimmering treasure pot of gold. Your subconscious mind has no ability to censor or reject information.

Your conscious mind makes decisions about every day life such as where you want to go to dinner or what shopping mall to go to and how much fun you are going to have today. It is the part of you that thinks and reasons. Your conscious mind decides what food to eat throughout the day. Your free-will lies in this part of your mind. All of the pain, pleasure, abundance or limitation is either originated in your conscious mind or is accepted uncritically from an outside source as a “belief”.

Any thought that you continuously impress upon your subconscious mind will become fixed and habitual. In other words, if you are constantly saying to yourself that you are a terrible person for binging and that you have no control and this is the way you are, your subconscious mind will accept that and those thoughts will become a belief system imbedded deeply in your mind. Thoughts have no power over us unless we give in to them.

We must get into the belief systems that you hold and examine if those beliefs are true or if they are not true. Something interesting to think about here is that the subconscious mind cannot understand a negative thought. For example, if I were to say “I don’t want to binge anymore”, the only thing my subconscious mind hears is the word binge. If I were to change that sentence by saying “I want to eat healthy moderate meals”, my subconscious mind will hear healthy moderate meals. It doesn’t understand the words don’t, can’t, shouldn’t, won’t, haven’t or any other negative word. Put your thoughts into the positive.

What you might not be aware of is the inner struggle between the conscious mind and the subconscious mind. Here lies the trouble and the powerful source of binge eating. There are disconnecting thoughts between the two parts of the mind. Binge eating has nothing to do with willpower or forcing yourself to “be good”. So drop that belief right now.

Binge eating happens when the struggle is so great that there is never a cease fire between the body and the mind. When you have this kind of inner struggle you are sending a message to your body that you don’t like it, and intend to hurt it by starving it or stuffing it so full of food that it hurts. You are saying that you don’t understand its needs, and are ashamed, embarrassed, and unhappy with it. This is not good! You must make peace.


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Here's my homework on this teaching:

INNER STRUGGLE

Do i feel a war going on between my mind and my body?

VERY MUCH SO! My mind tells me to eat things that i don't necessarily WANT to eat because i know they are no good for my body. Recently, i had a slip into cooked foods that i had not eaten in almost 3 years. In the car taking home leftovers from my aunt's meal to bring to Cliff, i succumbed to eating real bread. I KNEW intellectually that i shouldn't because i feel very much like a WHEAT ADDICT and once i would eat bread, what would stop me from eating pasta and potatoes and mounds of butter on it, etc... So, intellectually, the voice of reason said, "DON'T DO IT!". But, there was another voice i heard, saying, 'what's the big deal? once you ate bread at the raw retreat and got right back on track the next day. susan eats bread.' So, i did it. I don't think i was necessarily hungry, so this was not so much a war between my mind and body, but between my mind...and my mind. One was subconscious and one was conscious. Not sure which was which yet!

The war between my mind and my body seems to occur with gourmet raw. My body craves delicious gourmet raw food, mmmm...salt and garlic and nut pate and raw bread and chocolate sauce and chocolate milk, but my mind says," Don't eat it, you'll gain weight! You won't be able to stop! It's DANGEROUS! You need to go on a diet!" My mind rebels, i want what i want, and when i give in, i hear powerful messages of how weak i am and how i can't stop and how it's so good it's dangerous and then i have great difficulty stopping. I have lost control over it and only want it now. I'd better eat it up now, because i know i'll be dieting again and won't be able to have it. How did food become a dangerous weapon?

My mouth and my mind craves fatty foods, but they are not GOOD for my body. Or should i say, they are not good for my body in the way that "I" eat them. I go hogwild. From fear. From desire.

My mind thinks thoughts of binge eating constantly, sometimes, i suppose when i deprive myself the most, and i listen and follow. Everytime i do it, i'm programming myself to do as it says. My belly, my body, is supposed to be the thing to tell me to eat. How did it switch to me hearing little voices prompting me to eat and i follow like some crazed person hearing voices and commanding?

It makes me think of serial killers. They think horrible thoughts...to kill for example, and then they FOLLOW those thoughts into ACTION...because they feel helpless to say NO to their thoughts. I feel EXACTLY the same when i binge. I have ALWAYS felt terrible sympathy for criminals because of this. We are the SAME. We are COMPELLED to act.

DO YOU HEAR VOICES YELLING AT YOU TO STOP BINGE EATING BUT THE BINGE EATING JUST CONTINUES? WHAT DO YOU HEAR?

Well, even before i hear voices to stop binge eating, I definitely hear a voice that says it wants something, and then something else and then something else. This is the binge voice. It's a free for all at that point. Every THOUGHT, "OH, raw carrot bread." "Oh, raw corn bread." Each thought is answered by my hand going to my mouth. It feels like being under the control of hypnosis or something. It seems impossible at times to NOT obey. Especially at work when i am stressed and not focused and am working with delicious food, it often feels impossible to not listen to that voice.

Once i give in, the voice talks and commands me more and more. And i fall victim to it again and again and again. And that makes my ability to say NO to it weaker and weaker and the habit is formed.

As far as a voice telling me to STOP binge eating, yes, i have this too, but i'm more aware of the voice that just tells me what it wants and i obey, like a robot. I suppose after i am done and my body is so sick and stuffed and full and bloated that the messages to stop binge eating and the remorse really kick in. That's when i go back on 80-10-10, cut out all salt and fat and DIET. The only problem is, i can never stay on it and i always return to binge eating.

WHAT KIND OF THINGS DO I TELL MYSELF AFTER BINGEING? DO I BERATE MYSELF?

Oh, god, yes. i feel hopeless. I feel like a failure. I'll tell myself i can't work with raw food anymore because i can't control myself around it. Or i tell myself i'll never be able to lose more weight. Or when i gain weight, i tell myself i'm an embarrassment and a failure. Mostly i just feel hopeless. And mostly i tell myself it is the FOOD that is to blame, such as i am addicted to fat or salt or whatever and then i restrict myself terribly and then there is no other option but to binge out of that.

WHAT DO I WANT TO SAY TO MY BODY THAT IS LOVING AND CARING?

I would like to say to my body: "Body, you know how much to eat and what you want. I would love to honor your hunger signals and give you enough food to fill your belly and enjoy eating without overstuffing you or without eating when you're not even hungry. I'm so sorry i've been abusive to you by listening to my distorted mind...instead of YOU. I feel badly when I don't honor you. You are my best friend, you want me to enjoy life and food, and you know what i need. I just need to learn to trust you, and listen."

HOW DO I THINK MY BODY WILL FEEL WHEN MY MIND IS LOVING AND CARING TO MY BODY?

I have listened to those distored voices in my mind for so long that my body has suffered through binge after binge. I'm so sorry! I think that when i stop obeying the insane thoughts in my head to eat at all costs....my body will feel so much better, lighter with less food and more enjoyment and satisfaction. When obeying my obsessive thoughts is not controlling my food intake, my body and mind will be at PEACE.

DO YOU CONSTANTLY SEND YOURSELF NEGATIVE MESSAGES, LIKE "DON'T EAT THAT!"?

YES! Food has been dangerous to me. "Don't eat that!" Well, of course i do. And i eat the whole thing, instead of allowing myself to enjoy one portion.

You and the "secret" have taught the mind doesn't understand messages in the negative. I "know" this, but i forget!!! If i say, "I don't want to binge anymore," my mind hears only "binge!" and it obeys!

I must flood my mind with positive messages, such as "I eat when i am hungry and i enjoy my food and stop when i've had enough."

xoxoxo michelle joy

2 comments:

sanmay said...

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Joy Winner-or-Whiner said...

There is hope. Find solace in knowing that undesirables do not have to be forever.