Wednesday, September 1, 2010

30 DAYS...30 MOODS!!


I was very interested to go back over my daily logs during the last 30 days losing 40 lbs eating 80-10-10 and working with Dr. Doug Graham to see my progression emotionally & physically through the month, and share snippets with you. It hasn't been an easy month, but now on Day 1 of the 2nd month, i can exuberantly report that IT WAS WORTH IT!! I'm looking great, and last night i received such a gift, you have no idea - i sang fabulously, and i had my first fat-free /salt-free salad of the month, which i thought would be vomitizing, but i LOVED it! My tastebuds have CHANGED! My reflux is GONE. Dr. Graham says, "Banana Island changed you as i hoped."

It did!

I'm so happy i got through the last 30 days, and my heart goes out to the people I hear from who struggle or try to do the banana thing but have a hard time. I'm hoping this little overview will inspire you that if I can do it, so can YOU!

Pre Day 1
I suppose i've let things get so seriously out of control that my urgency to regain control is pretty strong. I've gained 80 lbs since last summer when i was 80-10-10ing.... My downfall is obviously FAT. It's what i WANT and crave, and when i start to eat it, I become insatiable, but my body hates it. I stop losing weight, and i get reflux laryngitis.

Day 1
Bananas all day. It was not easy, whew, but i did it. Lots of food thoughts, but i know this is all part of the obsession/compulsion/disease. Driving past all of my old "pleasure palaces" (fast food places) made me feel like my gut was sinking and something was dying. The good news is, it is, the old me.

Day 2
I made peace with bananas today and didn't even think of stopping anywhere before or after work to eat, but, still, it wasn't easy. I was tempted while i was in the hospital to get something to eat from the cafeteria. It is like a bar is to an alcoholic -a pleasure palace. I am so insane about disgusting cafeteria food. Ohhh, oooh, oooh, what do they have TODAY???!!! Physically, i felt tired, somewhat depressed, feeling sorry for myself, trying to watch myself and the reasons i eat or want to eat and see that often they have zero to do with hunger, but much to do with just wanting some pleasure or to be full. Bananas are boring and i like to be excited by food. Look where it's gotten me... It's distressing to recognize these things about myself. And also distressing to not have my 'fix,' at times when i see other people able to enjoy food without going overboard. I could rarely do this in my life. I always overdid it.

Day 3
Several times today i had a feeling of great joy, of great hope for the future, and i even felt like i was back to my old self, who was raw for 3 years and losing weight and feeling so much belief in raw. I really lost that over the last 9 mos when i started eating cooked food and things got quickly out of control for me. I'm very hopeful again that raw will save me....from myself.

Day 4
I was so hungry alot today, but it passed because i didn't respond to it - I tried to eat within meals, but was hungry in between. I drank water or just let it bypass, several times. In fact, last night, i became hungry at my music rehearsal, but was busy practicing. By the time i got home, late, i wasn't even hungry anymore, but ate 4 bananas anyway because, "just because." Physically, i felt tired. And i generally feel "dizzyish" all day - it feels like how detox used to feel, so i suppose i'm in a detox.

Day 5
When i think of food as a relationship, as if with a man, why would i keep one around that enticed me alot, but made me feel bad, like cooked food does? For now, you say bananas love me like nothing else can? What exactly are the bananas doing? I certainly do feel better. And i've lost alot of water weight. And i'm not depressed anymore, or hopeless feeling. And my hunger is managed by the bananas.

Day 6
Today was a tough day! i knew instinctively that i would be held up today and would find it hard to eat lunch. Today we were moving my mom to the rehab. So, this morning, after i had like 6 bananas, i felt like maybe i should eat more so i wouldn't get hungry in 2 hours. i wasn't hungry again, i just thought i would prevent a premature hunger later when i'd be busy. So i ate 6 more small bananas, and man, did i feel sick, like i wanted to lay down right away, but i felt better within 15 mins.

Day 7
I felt energetic. It was a beautiful day in Philadelphia today, and I desired a walk, which i took, this morning, which was very nice. The need to rest alot, that phase, i think may be over for now. Now i'm feeling good. It's exciting. I feel like the old me last summer when i was doing 80-10-10 and had energy and so much hope for the future.

Day 8
Today didn't go so hot, i really felt crappy. I mean, i did everything i'm suppossed to, so i don't know why i felt poorly, i just did. Also, i have gas...for the first time. Maybe the celery? I woke up feeling fatigued as well...but had a busy day and wasn't able to rest.

Day 9
This was a challenging day. I really need to vent. i had the worst food thoughts yesterday that i've had these 9 days. I suppose it was the stress of the day. It was also my banana sitauation causing me to feel unhappy. I have about 1/3 of a case of too ripe bananas, which i am not enjoying eating. I'll get a fresh case today and some ones that are ready to eat, too.

Day 10
This morning i was very thirsty! Must be all of the moving around and the hot weather. I walked 35 minutes this morning, I had a very busy day. i'm TIRED!

Day 11
I waited too long to eat lunch and felt pretty rotten, but after eating, felt better within 30 mins. I'll work on exercising more. I walked for an hour today.

Day 12
Exercise: none, felt tired. Emotionally: discouraged, depressed.... Physically: dizzy again, low on energy, VERY VERY thirsty all day. I drank and drank and kept feeling thirsty. I must have really been dehydrated, unless it's a detox thing?

Day 13
Under a lot of stress. Have a singing rehearsal tomorrow I don't feel ready for. Had two horrible singing practices over the last two days, leeaving me feeling awful physically and emotionally. I'm struggling emotionally. I'm discouraged and disheartened. And i'm not coping well. Obviously, being a binge eater, i have SEVERE problems coping. So, i'm just left to feel everything...i'm frustrated, discouraged, depressed. I'm really struggling with prioritzing my life. Physically: my tounge is coated white. What does this mean?

Day 14
I had a MARVELOUS singing practice this morning, yay! I got "it" back. Alot of what happens to me has to do with misdirected energy. The energy yesterday was stuck using the wrong kind of effort. Today i allowed myself...or let myself sing, instead of trying so hard using force... My energy is great today, really flowing, i feel very good today. Took a great walk.

Day 15
Depressed. I must be going through an emotional cleansing. I keep feeling badly i have to report not feeling well, but i can't pretend to be happy and joyfilled when i'm not. When i am, you'll know it. I'm sure i'm in an emotional detox. That wouldn't be too difficult to understand for a person to go through who routinely stuffs her emotions and is being restricted from eating excitotoxic foods. Now everything is coming out. I don't think i should plug it up, but just accept it.

Day 16
I seemed to feel better today.

Day 17
Horrid. I have a mouse in the kitchen. I don't know how to set the traps i just bought and i'm in the kitchen crying. When i drove to the market, i passed the chinese restaurant and pizza restaurant i used to binge at. What a pull i have to these places, yet i resist, though it pains me. I'm in severe need of comfort....and am not feeding the monster, so i just feel raw and vulnerable and cry and cry. I'm just having a tough time and i know it will get better.

Day 18
Got busy and missed lunch. And my bananas are too ripe....not appealing. Felt miserable and irritable later as i was so hungry, but just ate a few and feel quelled for the moment. Never walked today. Feeling pretty depressed. I just vegged and took and nap and went to my moms. Tomorrow is a new day.

Day 19
Such a horrible dad, on his birthday, wouldn't get out of bed, he was depressed. It was a family drama. I was running all over getting birthday stuff for him and then he wasn't going to show up for his 'party' at the hospital. Everyone was calling me that i had to go over there and cheer him up. For god's sake, i have my own problems. My singing practices have been going horribly. There's been ALOT of crying. I don't know what you think of me, i'm some kind of drama queen or emotional basket case or something, but i don't think i've ever gone through such a slump/depression as this. I's awful and feels like a breakdown. Im crying alot. Physically, i don't particularly feel energetic or good at all, so even trying to feel happy doesn't work because i don't feel great physically. Iguess it's detox????

Day 20
The new plan sounds frightening...a salad with no fat based dressing....eek. But i'll be glad to have watermelon in the morning again.

Day 21
I managed today to escape fat, but was not able to stay on the old or the new plan or even to the larger meals. I ate every time i was starving, which was 7 times today. I was happy at the festival even without eating any "goodies." It was wonderful to see all of my old friends that i hadn't seen since my mother became ill 4 months ago. I got compliments on my singing, but my singing technique is immensely fault filled and filled with tension. Starting lessons with a new teacher was like the WORST idea. I don't know how to sing anymore. I'm quite hoarse afterwards, so I know i sang poorly, but, i did the best i could trying to incorporate what i'm learning in my lessons. I totally failed at it, but until i know better, i have to accept it.

Day 22
What's really unbelievable is that at the time i have zero reflux, i have the worst case of stress/tension-related singing. Things usually hit me right in the throat...and it has. The throat is my gift and also my most sensitive area. My throat right now feels as bad is if i'd been binge eating....and have the WORST case of reflux.

Day 23
Dinner: 8 garden picked home grown tomatoes - I never tasted anything so good in my life. Now i understand what you meant about the world opening up to me. They tasted SALTY and like they had garlic IN them!!! AMAZING!

Day 24
I ate early before noon when i got hungry again and it worked well. I like to eat substantially before i leave the house so i don't have to get annoyingly starving when i'm out. I ran out of lettuce and only had kale. I do enjoy the greens blended in with the banana. I fear it may be my main source of lettuce because the salad idea for later is grossing me out, just the thought of it!!! Don't get me wrong, i ADORE salad...with 5 pounds of fat laden dressing poured over it.

Day 25
I have my period and i feel like i'm dying...the worst cramps of my life...sweating, can't get off the toilet...

Day 26
I had cramps in the morning yesterday, not bad, but still crampy, and wasn't hungry. Afraid to eat, that i'll get sick again.

Day 27
I'm still struggling a little with food thoughts, especially when i'm hungry, but not like before. I'm liking the way i look so it's making all of the suffering worth it. For example, driving past the chinese or the pizza parlor, my old hangouts, causes my pain, but i still do the right thing...and just drive by...because i know the consequences of that behavior - out of control eating and weight gain.

Day 28
I don't seem to have much appetite anymore. Isn't that wierd???? Oh, god, what's going to happen, soon i'll only want one tomato a day...

Day 29
Struggling with the optional after dinner salad thing. I really WANT to eat a salad, but cringe when i think of fruit based dressing. I did the banana/spinach thingbecause it's like the only way that appeals to me to get in greens at this point. Any chance of avo 1x/week, so i can make a big salad and make a dressing of mashed avo with lemon juice? i really enjoy that.

Day 30
I'm cheery and busy this morning. It's a beautiful day here in Philly and i did some watering and pruning of my patio plants which is very joyous and rewarding. I'm very happy because i just had my first salad...sans dressing...sans corn....sans avo...sans salt...and i loved it!! I hope you will celebrate along with me for what feels like a major, major accomplishment! I feel more able to experiment with fat free salads and feel more hopeful now i might even enjoy it!!!

Day 31
Good Early Morning! I awoke at 5am after that light dinner of fat/salt free salad of chopped cuisinarted veggies over lettuce, and a meal of heirloom tomatoes last night! It's a big happy fest here today! This has been really wonderful for me. Not easy, but wonderful. I guess banana island really did do a good thing. Imagine eating a salad without dressing and ENJOYING it.

xoxo michelle joy


Anonymous said...

You probably don't remember me but I corresponded with you a couple of times last year in my first attempt at Raw. I just last week started again.. Today I remembered you and went to find your blog in my old notes! Wow I can't begin to tell you how excited I am to read your success on 80/10/10. I just bought the book and really needed to see this post. I am so afraid of all the fruit and was happy to see your success!! Have lots to read on your blog now to catch up on the last year of your journey.. I am making your Mumbai Spaghetti (made it a couple of times last year) this weekend. I love it! Wow, I just am so glad to have found you again.

Cosmic said...

Congrats Michelle!