Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Anger, Helplessness, Insecurity, Blame

Anger - Guilty.

Helplessness - Guilty.

Insecurity - Deeply Guilty.

Blame - Guilty.

Guilty of it all.

I wish i could just snap my fingers and be cured, rely on myself and my own instincts, not need help, and really believe I CAN conquer this on my own. But every time I try, I fail myself so miserably that i teach myself I can't trust myself.

I feel like maybe there's this Spirit of destruction in in Robert Downey, Jr. And just as talented and able he is, I really believe I am. I really believe I have this special, special talent in me, and there is this horrible force that wants to crush it, crush me. As big as my operatic voice and talent are, that's how big my appetite for self destruction is.

I don't like to feel angry, feel helpless, yet it plagues me. Help me, i don't know what to do, where to turn. Help me. Help me!!

I do struggle tremendously with taking responsibility and blaming diets or coaches when i'm not able to accomplish the plan, even if i asked for it. I sign up to be kicked in the ass, and then when i get my ass kicked, i say, "how dare you!"

I constantly feel helpless and hopeless.

I've never lied and said I wasn't deeply flawed, and suffer greatly, much from my own doing. I have great degrees of probably many forms of mental illness. On my worst days, i feel like what's the use of living. On my best, i feel like the sanest, most empowered, most self-actualized person around. Maybe i'm a manic-depressive.

Some times in my life, like my 3 years raw, I was more in control, more confident, more able. I was filled with so much belief in raw and belief in myself. I was proud of myself. I felt like a big success!

Over the past year, I've felt loads of failure regarding my diet. Maybe I've achieved short spurts of success, but overall, things have gone badly. And just as desperately as I call for help, I destroy myself. And then call for help again.

Since I'm a little girl, I've always been attracted to religion and meditation and prayer. I hope that I can continue to do more of it, become more centered, more balanced, and begin to develop the attributes and skills needed to "do it" on my own some day. Really grow up. On good days, i feel connected to something greater and bigger and more powerful than myself. On bad days, i feel so lost and alone.

I'm finally having success with my singing lessons. I finally found a teacher who is teaching me NOT to need her and to know exactly for myself how to sing...without her.

I've not found that yet with food. I was discussing it today with my friend, Jan.

There are 5 million plans in my head all of the time. Learn how to eat anything i want as Geneen Roth teaches? Maybe I need that. Follow Overcoming Binge Eating, which worked for me before? Maybe i need that. 80-10-10? Gourmet? Vegetaran? Vegan? Maybe a little fish? Maybe I need that. No, that. No, THAT.

Complete and utter lack of committment. I don't know what i need. I don't know what i need. Tell me what i need. Tell me who i am.

Am I at fault or are the diets/plans at fault? Should i happily be a gluttonous food lover and just "accept" myself and wallow in pleasure like a fat Nigella Lawson? She gets to do it by just being a little chubby. Or do i turn from my evil gluttonous ways because my desires for food are sinful?

I don't know what to do. Still.

I try. I call for help. I write. I share.

I succeed sometimes.

Lately, I fail alot. At least that's how I've been feeling this past year. My weight is higher now than it's been in 4 years. I've still kept off 100 lbs of weight loss, but something is driving self destruction. I just can't stop binge eating.

I don't know if it's something left over from being adopted - never feeling good enough. I started this blog to motivate me. It worked. Then it became a way to express myself, the good and the bad. Now that everyone is intimately aware of the bad, i feel even WORSE about me. Not my intention. I've layed my dirty laundry out for everyone and their grandmother to see just how crazy i am. Everyone else can control what they eat. What's wrong with ME?

Maybe it's because i don't know who I am or where I come from because i'm adopted. Feeling rejected or fearing rejection always because somebody didn't want me and discarded me when i was a baby maybe left me with such emotional scars that i can't overcome.

Or maybe it's the way I was raised - given everything, spoiled. Life skills weren't necessary when your parents do everything for you. My parents raised us to not believe we could do anything on our own - that we needed their help, constantly. My enabling mother used to do my homework for me, and clean out my school locker for me when school was let out.

Maybe it's from the mental and sexual abuse i withstood growing up. I was invaded and felt worthless and that what i said, no matter how many times i said, "no," or what i liked or didn't like didn't matter. I didn't matter.

For as long as I can remember, I never felt good enough. I never felt lovable for just being me. I never knew how to say "no." I never trusted myself, my opinions or desires. I never felt in control of myself. I never felt I could take care of myself.

I need help. Help me. Support me. I need you to be strong for me because i'm so weak.

I learned to rely on food for support from a very, very early age. My weight has fluxuated up and down for as long as I can remember. My life has been spent either dieting or gaining weight, not really dealing with my issues.

Yes, I too hope that someday I can achieve peace with myself...and with food.

All of this makes me constantly question if I just need to get an Eating Disorders Therapist and work on just accepting myself and learn to eat to satisfy my hunger, instead of using food emotionally.

Raw is really more for HEALTH, maybe? Maybe you have to have those skills already...eating from hunger, etc..., and then raw will up the anty and just make you that much healthier. Maybe i'm barking up the wrong tree again, hoping to gain these kind of skills (feeding my own hunger, self reliance) from a diet.

I'm hoping that maybe this is all part of the process, and that someday, when I figure it all out, I can help other people still suffering to figure it out, too.

The sad part is that you have to be along for the ride, ripe with bumps daily.

It's always been my intention to inspire, ultimately, but I've been lost most of the time lately. I hope for more and better.

I do appreciate your feedback.

Dr. D thinks i just need to eat more fruit, that that will solve my problems. We'll see.

xoxo michelle joy


Cosmic said...

You are not a failure! You've got to be positive(our own state of mind creates:)for your own sake alone.


Julie said...

You are so brave for putting your story out to the world! You are on a journey. If we all started out perfect, life wouldn't be as interesting, would it? I hope you find what works for you. :)

max said...

darling MJOY~ first of all, it is an absolute honor to be along for the ride. as i have read over your posts from the past few days, i have thought about how you have tried so many ways to deal with the problem of emotional eating. you seem to try so hard and then fall off and then the blame comes rushing in - blame for yourself, blame for your coach, blame for the situation. that all seems pretty normal to me. but when i think about what blame is, i realize that it is a lack of forgiveness. so perhaps emotional eating is NOT the problem. perhaps it is a overly-magnified symptom of the real problem. and since you are tackling emotional eating as the problem itself, of course you would not be able to solve it because it is something else. maybe it is forgiveness. you talk quite a bit in this post about things that have been done to you - terrible things. feeling rejected, abuses, even being spoiled can all take away your power and if you do not forgive the people and situation that took your power, then THEY STILL HAVE IT. that is your power to reclaim but you must forgive.

as you know, i believe in you. i know that you can do this. my opinion (since you asked!) is that you need to look at it from a different angle, from a broader perspective. take some of the energy away from the emotional eating situation and give it to forgiveness. those people who wronged you don't feel hurt because you haven't forgiven them...only you do. you deserve to be free from this. the rest will fall into place, whether you are on watermelon island or not.

you mentioned that you have always been attracted to spirituality. i came across a guided meditation just yesterday that i want to share with you:

your friend,

Pat said...

I agree with all the comments Michelle and I believe in you. Many of fall several times before we get our real footing. I personally agree strongly with Max forgive the pass so that you can stop reliving it. I do believe that prayer and meditation is the answer beg for help, understanding and the ability to let go.

We are here for you.

I'm sending you a big huge hug