Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Hi there, Folks, [i wrote this the other day]

How are you all today? It's an absolutely gorgeous day here in Philadelphia. I've been up since about 4:30a.m., busy with dishes, straightening up, laundry, emails, etc... and my zoom-zoom is wearing off. Yet, i have the desire to write... So, write i will do.

I ate breakfast this morning - a typical binge meal, but it did not lead to a binge - a large peice of bread, 3 eggs, the equivalent of probably 4 slices of cheese, all melted into a fabulous omelettey type of thing. I know it probably sounds disgusting. The 4 slices of cheese part is frightening. I'm freaked out as i write this.

What's amazing is - i didn't binge afterwards. Instead, i cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. Wild!

Now, granted I don't feel fantastic. I have gas, my feet and ankles are swollen, i have reflux, but I keep choosing to eat cooked, so maybe i'm just going to stop fighting myself already and go with the flow.

Yes, it would certainly benefit my weight and everything else if i could learn to eat LESS, smaller portions and less fatty foods. But, i didn't binge...and that is really NEW. Fattening fattening food that doesn't lead to a binge? Something has really changed on the INSIDE of me to make that possible.

More on that in a sec. First, let me tell you about yesterday. What a wacky wild bizarre day. I binged...about all day. I know, i know, i thought i wouldn't, but i did. I thought and meditated on it. Did i feel shame? Did i hate myself? Did i feel driven by the abusive parent within?

I didn't. You know what it was? ANXIETY. Why are there so many reasons for eating?

I had my first opera rehearsal for my new opera last night. So, i ate, from anxiety, all day. I knew it, i saw it, yet, i decided to continue.

I was dissappointed in myself, like, geez, every new insight i come up against doesn't HOLD or STICK. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought i rid myself of shame...and it would be gone, but i'm still binge eating?

The little voice inside spoke to me and said, "Dear, no one, not any of us can expect to incorporate a new concept into their lives without a little trial and error. You need to stay COMMITTED and TRUST the process."

So, here i am, on my raw blog, talking constantly about eating cooked food.

I'm really sorry to be doing that, really sorry to find myself in this predicament, really sorry especially when i see pictures of the 250 lb me and know i'm so so much heavier today, really sorry when i barely fit into the patio chair at starbucks, really, really sorry.

But, all i can say is - something inside of me is telling me I need to be right here today.

I don't know if it's denial. Or a little blossoming bud of a new concept taking hold.

This little picture of a baby grabbing an adult finger makes me feel like maybe the little recovering child in me needs to take baby steps in her recovery and that it's okay. Fall down go boom? Get right back up!

Maybe someday I will realize i need to eat lighter and better, and actually WANT to do that.

What was so incredible about yesterday, was that even though i had horrible reflux, i had probably THE best singing rehearsal of my life. The singing continues to just get BETTER and BETTER!

Why? Why? Why? When i was on 811, i had ZERO reflux (swelling in the larynx), but i was filled with fear, anxiety, whew, i was a basket case. I guess in the midst of detox, everything "coming up," it was too much to expect myself to sing well?

And now, I eat all of this fatty shit all day...and i'm singing amazingly???

First of all, i think it has something to do with feeling in control. Even if i overdo it, i'm somehow in control right now, instead of say, Dr. Graham. There is a level of peace and calmness about that. And confidence.

Second of all, the "inner parent/child concept" has really been extremely powerful for me and incredibly motivating to worry less and to effortlessly DO better. It's affected my eating, and most miraculously, my singing.

Somehow, when i think and meditate on the fact that inside of me live two people - the PARENT AND the CHILD, suddenly, so much of my life comes into focus and makes sense. No wonder i often have such anxiety about singing. The child part of me is scared and in control then, and the parent is having a coffee break, unaware of the suffering child. And, no wonder i'm such a mess and have such a sloppy, dirty, disorganized house. The child is acting out her pain, and the adult in me is not taking control. The child is in charge. What an irresponsible parent I have living in me! And no wonder I binge. The child, again, is acting out, and the adult in me is not taking control again, turning a blind eye, letting the behavior go on, unnoticed. No wonder Cliff and I both have a hard time controlling each other. He can't control my food, or that I don't clean house. I can't control that he doesn't fix things he says he will. No wonder. There's no parent living here! Just two rebellious children.

So, just the sheer act of meditating on this concept, of mulling it all around inside of my head, has apparently created within me a self-directed motivation - to NOT binge, to CLEAN, to EXERCISE, even. Yesterday i took a walk with Cliff, even in the midst of binge eating. Why? I suppose the parent was being loving and kind to her baby. So what she overdid it with food, again. The parent remembered what she had written in a previous blog about how exercise should not be connected solely to dieting, how exercise should stand on it's own, no matter WHAT is eaten. The parent heard that and in her wisdom, acted accordingly. She coaxed the child into wanting to take a walk.

Before last night's rehearsal, I had an amazing vocal warm up. The parent must have been in charge. Gone were the nerves, the fear, the tightness, the anxiety, the effortful trying without succeeding. I was calm, i remembered what i'm being taught, i felt my way through the session doing what felt right and familiar from the lessons i've been taking. Using my new technique, I had a good warm up, crucial to good singing.

And when i sang at the rehearsal, i was calm, i relaxed my tounge, relaxed my gut, my mouth, the parent was in control - and she knew what she was doing and sang beautifully! I heard hushed whispers from my colleagues of, "beautiful!" I received many compliments after the rehearsal, "You have SUCH a beautiful voice! It's so strong! You sound so much better, so much FREE-ER than in the last opera!" Wow, did THAT feel good. I was ON TRACK and knew it. You know how you know your own name? I just knew it. The proof is in the pudding. Low notes, high notes, high piannissimos, runs, fortes, they were all easy. Yay!

Someone was in charge...and it wasn't the nervous irresponsible fuck up irresponsible child. It was something strong in charge. It was my adult. She was competent and in charge.

And today, who the hell starts cleaning after a breakfast like THAT??? Most of us would take to our beds and nap off all of the cheese. But, something strong in me just KNEW what had to be done.

Who is this lady, i like her! [It's ME, why can't she direct my days ALL of the time?]

P.S. The DIATOMACEOUS EARTH also helps me tremendously in digesting all of this crap. If it wouldn't be for the D.E., i wouldn't be feeling so energetic. That shit WORKS. I should sell it on here and make a commission, i believe in it so strongly!!!

The inner parent/child concept feels so right. But, it will take some time to get it consistently. Look, anything we have to work at.

I have a feeling that if i can learn not to binge after eating anything, i'll soon move back to raw foods, naturally. The parent will want to feel BETTER and BETTER and the child will say, "OK!"

I think right now the child is in charge of the food choices..."more cheese, mommy, more, you never let me before!" and the parent is saying, "Okay, honey, if you want it." I think there is a testing phase going on. Will the parent REALLY be kind and loving, even after 4 peices of cheese??? And after eating, the child looks up at the usually shaming parent to see a reaction and she's only getting hugged and loved. Soon, she will not want 4 peices of cheese, on her own.

Something about this feels very organic and healing.

The swollen feet and huge ass don't feel great, but maybe i've been putting the cart before the horse all of this time, trying so hard to lose weight quickly, without developing skills to keep it off, namely, eradicating binge eating. How can i ever hope to get thinner if i never learn to stop binge eating? Whatever extreme program i go on, i inevitably go off of and gain the weight back. So, why not just make peace, work towards better and better habits, and accept myself and the slow progress i'll need to make to really get this?

For today, parent and child are holding hands and at peace.

I think it will only get better the more I work on it.

~ ~ ~ ~
Wednesday eve, Sept 22, 2010

God, reading what i wrote the other day i feel so stupid for doing so badly today. Where was that parent in charge today? The CHILD was IN CONTROL TODAY, BABY. Self will run riot. Though i ate and ate and ate today, i still went for a fantastic walk and even considered taking a swim today. Something still is at work good in me, it's just not all there, by any means.

I wrote this earlier.

I'm not doing so well, at all. I am so fat. Eating like crazy. I don't feel depressed though, isn't that wierrd? All of that writing on shame really did do something, the only thing it didn't do is stop the eating as i had hoped.

Today i felt like going back on raw. I'm embarrassed and scared to go to Arnolds tomorrow. I think i'm fatter than i was last week. I don't know what to do about the diet. If i do go back on raw, i have to work in some treats. I was even thinking maybe i would go back on the bananas for one more shot. I don't know what to do. Cooked food is so delish.

I'm really at my wits end. I know it's emotional. I know it's physical. I know so much. Yet i just eat and eat. It's fun. Then i look in the mirror and i'm like, 'holy crap'. It's like i'm totally disconnected from my body. It's just a fun pleasurable activity.

It also doesn't help that i'm not working full time. I have too much time on my hands and that's my worst problem. I had been going to my mom daily and then my eating got so bad i'm totally slacking off, wasting time, just eating. I'm in a bad way.

Anyway, you know what i was thinking today? I was thinking of this bunkmate i had at OHI who kept eating cooked food even at the retreat. I was like, 'huh? what IS she here for?' I was SO convinced that cooked food was poison for me and that belief was the only thing that got me through those 8 months. For several months, this bunkmate and I roomed together and she kept eating cooked food when she would go out and she'd inevitably overdo it and would come back, saying ' i don't know why i can't control cooked food, why do i always overdo it?' and i kept saying to her, 'because it's addictive,' like i was so sure.

Then we go home, and of course still keep in touch. We became so close and so fond of each other. And, in a few months she had gained 1/2 of her weight back already, and miraculously, i had not. i kept saying to her, 'that's because of the cooked food. i never went back and you did.' So now, she gained everything back, and look at me, on a raw blog praising cooked food daily, i'm well on my way to it, to gaining it all back.

I must be in some serious denial. All because of cooked food.

For 3 years my weight would go up and down like 30 lbs sometimes, but never more. Even when i binged on Brads Chips, i never gained like this.

I just keep thinking back to those blissful raw days and saying to myself, 'man, i was BETTER then.'

I think about what Dr. D said, "Are you happier?"


Where has cooked food gotten me? Sure i've had some pleasurable meals, felt normal eating at Friendy's, but so what? The magic always breaks down.

Last night i ate the entire huge tub of greek yogurt, awesome stuff by the way, and 4 slices of toast with butter. I have finished a lb of butter in just a few days.

Should i go to weight watchers, should i get an eating disorder therapist, should i go back to dr. d, should i just eat regular raw, should i do modified 811, should i just keep eating cooked and working on my inner child/parent, will I gain everything back?

I don't know what to do.

I know i don't like the way i look. And it's unfortunate that the fun activity of eating leads me to looking gross. I wish it didn't.

Any advice, i will gladly consider.

xoxo michelle joy


Debbie said...

Please don't get too mad but everyone's encouraging comments are not working!! So mine will not be so encouraging. It will be truthful.

You are going to kill yourself with what you are eating. Seriously, this is the fast track to diabetes, heart disease, cancer, etc. The psycho babble stuff is ridiculous. Go back on 80 10 10 and heal yourself with healthy food.

I really do like you and love to read your blog but it is so sad to see you in such denial.

Anonymous said...

before i say any of this i just want to let you know that i absolutely don't want to offend you.

when i was younger i had an eating disorder (not binge eating, but i still feel like it's applicable), and although i don't feel perfectly "reformed" i do actually feel rather "normal" (this is a few years later). after i recognized i had a problem i tried dealing with it on my own which didn't work, no matter how many ways i went about it. i'm convinced the only thing that helped me heal was seeing not only a dietician but a therapist.

you've obviously realized you have a problem, michelle, and you've been dealing with food not only on your own but you have reached out to specialists (carlene, dr. d, etc). i think you should seriously consider seeking help for the other half of the puzzle. i hated going through therapy (hell, i even feel embarassed typing the word "therapy") but it really did make it easier to help myself. you've hired people to help you with the physical food that you are putting into your physical body, but i needed someone to help me with the emotional reasons WHY i was killing myself via my diet, and i just am seeing so many paralells...

like i said, i mean absolutely no offense. i read your blog every day, cheer when you do well, and hope you do better tomorrow if you do not so well. there is absolutely no shame in reaching out for help. some of us just aren't built to handle feeding ourselves without letting emotions take over, you might as well consult an expert to help you not only control these horrible painful feelings that make you want to eat to stifle them, but to help you understand WHY.

just something to consider. i wish you the best, lady, no matter what you decide to do or not to do.